


Bacon and Morning Afters

by BlamScilesShipper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-09-01 08:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 143,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8617738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlamScilesShipper/pseuds/BlamScilesShipper
Summary: So this is a Destiel fic that I wrote for my friend Michelle, whose birthday is today. Dean wakes up in a strange apartment and it has changed his life forever. It's completely AU, and it's human!British!Cas. This has turned into a major WIP, and I hope ya'll are hanging in. It gets angsty, that's what I do best, but Destiel is going to remain solid. Dean has a heart problem, there's Destiel with a child, and Cas has a past that he doesn't exactly want to tell Dean about. It's my first Destiel WIP fic and I hope ya'll enjoy.





	1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. This is a fic I wrote for my friend’s birthday. It just came out of me pretty quickly. XD. I was trying to update one of my Blam fics before I wrote another Destiel fic. But here we are. This might have more to it, but as of right now, this is it. I hope you like! Dean runs into a British!Cas at Harvelle’s and things happen.** _

 

Bacon and Morning Afters  
By Julia 

 

The smell of bacon filled Dean’s nose, and he didn’t know why he was able to smell that and where he was. He wished that he could figure that out without his head pounding. Dean sat up slowly, nursing his hangover. He didn’t know how he’d been dumb enough to get one of those. He was able to drink and not get a hangover the next day. He rubbed his head, as if he could make the hangover go away that way. He knew it was impossible. He barely remembered the night before. It was a lot foggy. 

 

He moved his hand experimentally under the covers, and found that he was naked. Oh great. So he had hooked up with some chick last night. He looked around the room he was in. It was pretty masculine for a girl. He turned his gaze to the clothes on the floor that littered the bed area, and he found it was all male clothes. Dean searched his foggy mind, trying to remember what might have happened the night before. He barely remembered getting to Harvelle’s, the bar he’d gone to, and as far as he knew, it hadn’t suddenly turned into a gay bar. Jo! It could have been Jo, she’d been working the night before. 

 

He swung his legs out from under the covers and located his underwear. He slid them on, and then found his jeans. He put them on and searched the room for his shirt. Sadly, he couldn’t find it. He looked all around the bedroom, and then hurried out the door, following the hall and then he noticed his shirt at the bottom of the stairs. He groaned audibly and went to grab it. He pulled it over his head, and took another look around. This didn’t look like Jo’s house. He’d been friends with Jo and her mother Ellen for a long time. They were even sort of related, because Ellen was dating John Winchester, his father. 

 

Before he could deduce anymore, a man came out of the kitchen and into the hallway. “Morning, sleepyhead.” Came the soft English accent. Dean looked at him with his eyes wide. Who was this…. Man? Had Dean slept with him? He was quite handsome, black hair, scruffy face, bright blue eyes that reminded Dean of the sky….. And he was English? Dean was still in America, right? In his hungover mind, nothing was making sense. 

 

“I thought you were never going to wake up.” 

 

Dean took in all of that, and tried to form an intelligent reply when he spoke again. “Um, hi.” He said, not sure that that counted as intelligent. He wished he knew where his shoes and socks were, those hadn’t been in the bedroom either. “I don’t seem to be able to remember much of last night…. Can you tell me what’s going on?” He asked, standing there awkwardly as he stared at the other man, taken aback by how gorgeous he was. 

 

Castiel Novak stared at the man who was standing in his hallway, and his heart melted all over again. They hadn’t slept together, as much as Dean might think that they had. Castiel hadn’t wanted to take advantage of him when he was so drunk. He brushed his hand across his scruffy cheek and stepped forward, surprised that Dean didn’t back up when he saw the other man stepping closer to him. “My name is Castiel Novak. You are in my home. We met last night at Harvelle’s.” He said. He knew that the bar was a familiar place to Dean, and Cas was glad that that knowledge was enough to get Dean to calm a bit. 

 

“I didn’t want to take advantage of you while you were drunk, so we did not sleep together. It wasn’t for your lack of trying though.” Castiel added. “We made out quite a bit, as I believe the young kids are saying these days. I slept in the guest room and you took my bedroom. I have prepared breakfast, and your shoes and socks are by the door. I like people to take them off upon entry to my home.” He said, wishing he could help more than he was, Dean looked panicked about something. 

 

Dean took in this information and let it simmer as he followed Castiel to the kitchen. What kind of name was that? He was relieved to find out that they hadn’t slept together, but was this man serious when he said that they’d made out? Dean wasn’t…. He wasn’t…. Was he bisexual? Was that a thing? He knew it was a thing, but could it be applied to him? He couldn’t take his eyes off the other man, who was gorgeous. He really was. Dean didn’t know what to do with himself. He sat down at the kitchen table, where an elaborate breakfast was laid out. Eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns, fresh fruit, and cottage cheese. Dean’s stomach rumbled. He was starved. 

 

“Dude, you cooked all this? That is righteous.” Dean said, mentally hating himself for using such a dated word. He was sure no one used that terminology anymore. He reached for the eggs, to start filling his plate. He should have asked if it was okay before digging in, he knew that, but he was going to do it anyway. He was trying to find the way to ask more about what had happened last night, but he was flipping out about it enough as it was. He looked up when Castiel put a cup of coffee in front of him, This all felt very domestic and it was freaking Dean out. What was going to happen now? 

 

“So um…. I have to know, what happened last night?” He asked, looking into Castiel’s blue eyes. As soon as he’d asked, the other man began to tell the story. 

 

_The night before:_

 

Dean walked into Harvelle’s, looking for a good time. He headed straight for the bar. He saw Jo and gave her a grin. Jo was dating his brother Sam. “Hey, Jo. Set me up?” He asked, not even noticing the other man at the other end of the bar, in a beige trench coat and his blue eyes sparkling prettily in the light. Dean accepted the bottle of Jack Daniels she’d pulled out, he tended to drink it straight, no Coke for him. He filled the shot glass she’d also set in front of him and downed that too. 

 

“Where’s Sammy?” He asked her, as he downed another, it would be easier from the bottle, but Dean wanted to do it this way, it was easier for him. He didn’t want to look like a pathetic loser who drank straight from the bottle. That was for at his own place. He looked into Jo’s eyes. She seemed quiet tonight, and he wondered why that was. “Did you and Sammy have a fight?” He asked. He had always seen Jo as a little sister, and he was sure that that had hurt them when they’d first met, but she was in love with his brother now and that was what mattered. 

 

Jo had been watching Dean come in here night after night and hitting on girls and drinking too much and it was breaking her heart. She didn’t know what was going to have to be done for him, but it had to be something. She shook her head. “No, I didn’t fight with Sam, Dean.” Dean was the only one who called Sam ‘Sammy’. She liked to let him keep it, just something that was between the brothers. 

 

Should she tell him what was on her mind? She wasn’t sure that would be a good idea. Dean could take things bad. She didn’t want to tell him that she thought he was living his life all wrong. Jo wasn’t one to be scared of things, but she didn’t want to upset Dean anymore than she had to. Dean could get standoffish and pull away, and that wouldn’t help either of them. Especially with Sam being her boyfriend. She didn’t want to cause discourse between the brothers. 

 

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just quiet.” She finally said, as she wiped down the bar. 

 

Dean didn’t seem to notice she hadn’t answered his question about where Sam was, and he was busy scoping out the room. He didn’t see any females he wanted to talk to, but his eyes fell on the beautiful man who had noticed him when he first walked in. Dean offered his hand. “Dean Winchester.” He said, There was something about the man that drew him in, he wasn’t sure what it was. He was staring into those blue eyes and almost didn’t hear that the other man’s name was Castiel Novak. 

 

“Castiel, that’s a different sounding name.” Dean mused, testing it out on his tongue. “I’m going to call you Cas though. I never do the whole name thing.” He wondered what it meant that he could feel a deep down tingle in his stomach at the sight of the man’s blue eyes. He had never seen such beautiful eyes before. They were sucking him in. Dean wanted to know all that he could about the other man. He took another shot, he was getting increasingly drunk. He didn’t seem to notice that Jo was watching as she wiped down the bar and shaking her head in disbelief. 

 

Cas looked at Dean, he was so handsome. There were handsome men, and there were pretty men, and there were men who were both. Dean Winchester was one who was both. Castiel could tell that this man was into him. He wouldn’t have to do anything much, just let Dean’s natural instincts take over. Castiel was gay, and had been out for most of his life. Cas didn’t believe in hiding who you were. He didn’t know what to say to him. He was so beautiful that Cas was losing all of his speech function. Although he could tell that there was something in Dean that was broken. He just had to figure out what it was. Whether it was too much to handle or if he could handle it. 

 

“You may call me Cas, if that suits you.” Castiel said, he didn’t want to change Dean or make him act differently than he normally would have. Cas sipped his water, he never drank alcohol when he came in here. He felt it was a bad idea to lower his inhibitions. He could tell that Dean didn’t feel the same way that he did. But that was fine with Cas. If Dean wanted to get drunk that was fine with him. He wouldn’t take advantage of him. He looked back at Dean, who, to his credit, was looking back attentively at Cas. He was doing his best to pay attention to him. Cas decided to ask him about his life, strike up a conversation. He wanted to know what made Dean tick. He supposed asking him about it would be the best way. He could use his excellent people skills to figure things out, but this was just better. 

 

“What brings you into Harvelle’s tonight?” Cas liked to come in and people watch. It also didn’t help that he was looking for new friends, that might turn into something more. He wondered if that was something that Dean was also here for. 

 

That was certainly a question that Dean hadn’t expected him to ask. He hadn’t taken his eyes off the other man the entire time they had been interacting. Dean wasn’t sure why he was so focused on the other man. Dean hadn’t ever felt a pull towards a man before. There were pretty girls in this bar. Just because Dean didn’t think they were his type didn’t mean that they weren’t attractive. So why was he focused on this man? Dean couldn’t find the answer in his heart. He didn’t know what he was going to say, what he’d been looking for was kind of shallow. 

 

“I’m afraid to say. I don’t want you to think that I’m shallow.” Dean finally said, there was nothing about him that was shallow. Dean supposed some of it could be, like his love of Asian anime porn, but he wasn’t exactly going to bring that up with Cas. He was a bit embarrassed about it, although he wasn’t sure that he believed in guilty pleasures. He thought if you couldn’t say you liked a thing, then you shouldn’t like it. But that was just his way. 

 

Dean brushed his hand over his hair, he didn’t want to hide any of himself with this man. He didn’t know why, but a part of him trusted this man completely. He looked into Cas’ blue eyes. “Truthfully? I’m here to drink and get laid.” He said, not sure why this man had made him be so honest and forthright. Dean filled his shot glass again, taking a long sip. He was going to be drunk pretty soon, and he wasn’t sure that he liked the idea of him being drunk and Cas not. He didn’t know that he wanted to examine that too closely though. 

 

“It’s not something I do every night, the getting laid part, but I am in here quite a lot.” 

 

That was something that Cas had been able to tell, that Dean was in here a lot. He was sure that Dean’s formula had worked for him before. Cas was going to be the one who broke the pattern. When he slept with Dean, he wanted them both to be sober. He was fine with them making out though, he couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like to have Dean’s lips pressed on his. He watched as Dean took another long sip of his Jack. Cas wouldn’t have chosen that for his own drinking. Cas liked fruity drinks, no pun intended. 

 

He didn’t know why Dean thought that that was going to work, especially if he was focus on Cas. He cast his blue eyed gaze around the room, he was assessing the attractiveness of the girls in the bar. Castiel knew that Jo was taken, and he could tell that Dean hadn’t even had her planned for his amorous activities. Cas was sure it was because of her being like a little sister for Dean. Cas wondered if that meant that the Sam Jo was always talking about was Dean’s brother. 

 

“I like that you were honest with me, Dean. Not a lot of men are honest anymore, and that really hurts them more than it helps.” Castiel said, giving a nod to Jo, which meant that he wanted a ginger ale. Cas preferred to drink at home. Here he would have to call a cab. Not to mention, he wanted to have all of his faculties about him while he was here. 

 

There was something about Cas that made Dean be honest. He didn’t know what it was. He wished that he did. He said, “There’s something about you that makes me tell the truth. You look like a human lie detector.” Dean said. He worked construction, so it’s not like he’d been around lie detector tests all that often, but it was something that he knew. Cas was just someone that people wanted to tell the truth to. He wasn’t going to be any different. It was just how it was going to be. 

 

“I didn’t see the point of lying. It doesn’t really matter why I came here, what matters is I met you.” Dean said, and as he was saying the words he realized how true they really were. Dean was just glad that he had met the other man. Why he wasn’t sure. He didn’t think that he could put it into words. He wasn’t exactly good with words as it was. He had never been good at words. It was all something that Sam was better at than he was. Dean looked at Cas. “What is it about you that makes me want to tell you things?” He asked, wondering if Castiel would actually tell him. He wasn’t sure that he would. 

 

Cas mused over this question as he looked back at him. He didn’t know what it was, but he was glad that Dean had chosen to tell him the truth. He said, “I don’t know what it is. I wish that I did. If I did I could get more use out of it than I do.” He chuckled. Jo set his ginger ale down in front of him. He didn’t know what Dean was hinting at. He wished that he did. He was having a hard time sussing out what Dean’s intentions were. Cas was sure of what he wanted them to be, but that wasn’t exactly the same thing. Cas had never felt so drawn to someone before in his life. It was actually a bit refreshing. 

 

“I feel I should fully disclose that I am gay.” Castiel said, taking a sip of his ginger ale and looking at Dean. The other man’s eyebrows raised, but he didn’t interrupt Cas. “I wanted to get it out in the open, because I wasn’t sure what angle you were working and I wanted you to know that if you were trying to pick me up, as the saying goes, it is possible.” He said, very calmly. Cas wasn’t one to be unsure, usually. He wished that he was sometimes. It felt odd to know exactly what you wanted 100% of the time. He shared a look with Jo, who was being more quiet than he was used to her being. They usually talked when Cas was here. And he knew that she knew Dean, so you would think that she would chime in and join the conversation. Cas was a bit curiously surprised about that and didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t want to pressure Jo but he didn’t want her to think that he didn’t care either. 

 

“Were you trying to hit on me?” 

 

That was something that Dean hadn’t been expecting. For Cas to come out like that to him. Dean was glad that Cas had shared that with him, but he couldn’t pinpoint as to why. He didn’t know what he was going to say. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Cas just yet. But he knew that it was something more than he just met this guy and he seemed cool. Dean had thought he was straight, but there was this feeling in his stomach, tight with desire. He didn’t know what it was and it was scaring him a little. Was it the alcohol he was consuming? Or was he actually attracted to Castiel? He didn’t know and that was tripping him up. 

 

“Um, I don’t know what I’m doing.” He said, truthfully. He forgoed the shot glass and just took a sip of Jack right out of the bottle. He didn’t want to hide anything from Cas, and he wasn’t sure why. He didn’t know why he was wanting to lay it all on the table. Dean found himself sliding onto a stool next to Castiel, needing to sit, his knees were wobbly from drinking so much so fast. He was unable to keep the laugh out of his voice. He didn’t know what it was about Cas that made him so forthcoming. He liked it though. 

 

“Can I be really honest with you?” He asked, and when Cas inclined his head a bit, he took that as a yes. Dean said, “I’ve never picked up a guy like this before. I mean, if that’s what I’m even doing.” He said, shaking his head. He didn’t know if he should call it that. Dean wasn’t sure. But he could feel the desire tight in his stomach, and he could feel his heart pounding a mile a minute. Not all of it was the alcohol, he could tell. Some of it was that he was attracted to Cas. Oh God, that was something he was going to have to deal with. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to analyze it right now. 

 

Dean leaned a little closer, his face was inches from Cas’. “I want to kiss you, is that okay?” He asked, the alcohol was making him braver than he usually would be. He knew that he shouldn’t look too closely at what that meant. He just wanted to go with it. 

 

Cas’ eyebrows raised, and he gave Dean a nod. Then Dean was kissing him. Cas kissed back, with a fervor that he had never known before. This felt really good. He didn’t know why, but it did. He kissed him deeply, reaching up to cup Dean’s head, his fingers moving through the hair at the nape of his neck. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve this, but he was going to go with it. As long as it was just making out. He didn’t want to have his first time with Dean to be a drunken time. He wanted him to be able to remember it. He knew that Dean was close to being drunk enough that he was going to forget. 

 

The kiss lasted for what seemed like forever, and then Dean was whispering to Cas if he wanted to get out of there. Cas nodded, putting down some money for the ginger ale and stood, his hand moving down to take Dean’s by reflex. They both looked down at their joined hands, a bit in shock. Cas wondered if Dean would take his hand away. Cas hoped not. He didn’t want to let go. Dean not only didn’t let go, he tightened his grip. Cas blushed deeply, and he held on just as tight as they walked out to Dean’s car. Cas assured Dean that he would bring him back for his car when he was sober. Dean drove an amazing ‘67 Impala. Cas wondered if it had always been his car or his dad had given it to him. He knew that their dad was dating Ellen, Jo’s mother. Cas didn’t know how they felt about it, Sam had always been quiet about it when Cas brought it up to him. 

 

In fact, Cas thought it was strange that they hadn’t met before. Cas was in Harvelle’s a lot of the time, and he knew Jo and Sam very well. Cas was sure that it was fate, but he believed in that kind of thing. He knew that Dean might not. Dean seemed more of a practical man. 

 

_Present time_

 

Cas wrapped up the story by telling Dean that they had come back to his apartment and made out, until Dean proceeded to pass out, and Cas had undressed him and made sure that he wasn’t going to drown in his own vomit if he woke up, and then he’d gone to bed. He had wanted to make sure that he got up to fix them a good breakfast, Cas kept his gaze on Dean the entire time that he was talking, and Dean seemed a bit shell shocked. Cas was wondering if Dean was regretting the whole thing now, and he really hoped not. 

 

Dean had listened to that whole thing with Cas’ English accent and it kept making his cock twitch in his pants. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He wasn’t sure that he was going to be able to not kiss Cas again. He licked his lips, and stood. He walked over to Cas, and wrapped his arms around him. “So from what you’re saying, we didn’t do anything but grope like teenagers.” He said, and Cas nodded into Dean’s shoulder. 

 

He wondered if he should remedy this situation, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to take it too quickly with Cas. Dean, for some reason, thought that if they were going to do this, he wanted to do it right. He looked at Cas, who was looking at him with a sunny expression on his face. “If we’re going to do this, babe, I want to do this right. I want us to really be together. I have never felt this with anyone else in my life, and I want to do this so that we’re both happy.” Dean said, watching Cas’ eyes light up. He was so glad that he was happy about it. 

 

“Then that’s what we’ll do, Dean.” Cas agreed, looking into his eyes and kissing him deeply. They would take things slow. 

 

_**Author’s note: So….. Idk where this came from, other than my friend Michelle asked me to write something for her birthday, which is today. I totally got the idea for this fic and ran with it. It might have more chapters, we’ll see, but this is it for now. I hope ya’ll liked!** _


	2. 1000 Times

Chapter Two: 1000 Times

 

Dean was hanging out in his apartment, and he decided to call Sam. He wanted to tell him about him and Cas. He was nervous about what he was going to say. He knew that Sam would always love him, no matter what, but this was something that had never even been an inkling before. He didn’t want to lose Sam out of his life. He wanted Sam, it was the only family he had besides John. And possibly Ellen and Jo. There was the other mechanic that worked with John that they were friends with, Bobby Singer, but he didn’t want to take liberties with him that weren’t really there. 

 

He picked up his phone and dialed Sam’s number by heart, and waited while it rang. He took another sip of his beer. This was going to be okay, right? Please, it had to be okay. He waited with bated breath, and then he heard his brother’s voice saying his name in his ear. “Oh, hey, Sammy. I have something….. There’s something…. I need to tell you something.” Dean said, his voice shaking a bit with nervousness.

 

Sam was shaken. “Dean, tell me it’s not…. Dad’s okay, right? And….. and Jo?” 

 

“Oh of course, Sam, they’re okay. I just… there’s something about me that you need to know.” Dean could hear Sam’s audible exhale of breath. He ran his hand over his stubbly chin and said, “Sammy, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just say it. I’m….. I’m in a relationship with a man.” He said. He could have heard a pin drop Sam was so quiet. “I’m…. I think I’m bisexual, Sammy. You might even know him, Castiel Novak? He comes into Harvelle’s sometimes. Doesn’t drink when he’s there?” It had been a couple of weeks since the night that Dean had met Cas. He and Cas had been dating since, it was a new relationship but they were already exclusive. Dean Winchester, womanizer extraordinaire, was bisexual. And dating a man to boot. He knew it had to be a lot to take in. 

 

Sam listened to his brother’s story, and he was shell shocked Sam was definitely accepting, if Dean wanted to be with a man, that was fine with him. He was just….a bit shocked. He didn’t know what to say. He sat there for a moment, and then finally said, “So….. when did this happen? When did you start dating Cas?” Sam did know Cas, he hadn’t been formally introduced yet but he did know him. He was surprised that this was the man that his brother said he was dating. Sam didn’t want to offend Dean with a lot of questions, but he’d never met someone who was bisexual before, and he didn’t know what went along with being one. He wanted to ask all kinds of things, Sam was a student of life, of nature, of learning. He wanted to know all he could. But he also knew that Dean might not have the answers to some of those questions yet himself. This was completely out of the blue. 

 

Dean let out a sigh of relief as he replied. “It’s been about two weeks, Sammy. And…. I’m really happy. I can’t imagine ever being so happy in my entire life. It feels…. I know I just met him, but it feels like I could have met the one I’m supposed to be with. Forever. I want us to have a dinner together, you and Jo, Dad and Ellen, and me and Cas. I want you guys to meet him. I think he’s gonna be around for a long long time.” 

 

Sam listened to all that Dean was saying. It was….. This was incredibly surreal. To Dean it may feel right, that he had found the love of his life, but who came out of the closet when they were 35 anymore? It was always in their teens. Shouldn’t Dean have already gone through this with someone else when he was a teenager? Sam was afraid to ask those questions though. He didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask questions. “So…. um, Dean, what is it like? I have so many questions but I don’t know what’s okay to ask and what’s not.” 

 

Letting out a sigh of relief, Dean said, “It’s okay, Sammy, you can ask me anything you want to know. I am still figuring a lot of this stuff out myself, but I want to be able to help you understand too.” He said, nodding to the empty apartment. “For your first question, which I know you haven’t asked but are dying to, is I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come out. I wish I did know. I think….. It sounds completely scary and new territory, but I think it was because I hadn’t met Cas yet. I just…. I think if I had known before now, I would have just had a disastrous string of flings with men that would have just gotten me broken, even more than I already am, before I got to Cas.” 

 

Dean wasn’t sure that he could make it any easier than that. Dean felt like it had hit him like a brick with Cas, and he felt that if he had met him when he was younger, it would have done the same thing, He would have known. He was destined to meet Cas. As much as he wasn’t even sure that he believed in God, or fate, or any of that other stuff that he had always called bullshit. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost Cas already. Dean loved him. He knew how it sounded, he really did. But he did, he loved Castiel Novak so much. Dean had never believed in love at first sight, but he did now. 

 

“I know it seems crazy, especially from someone as suspicious and paranoid as me. But I love him, Sammy. I know that he’s the one. I just met him two weeks ago…. I should sound insane. But it’s true. I love him with all of my heart and soul.” 

 

Sam could hardly believe his ears. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with that. None of this sounded like his older brother Dean. He didn’t know for sure what John was going to say, but he knew it was going to be shock too. He cleared his throat. “So…. you think Cas is the one, then?” He asked, still shocked that Dean was dating a man and it was something that he was saying he was going to do for the rest of his life. He was going to grow old with this man. Dean hadn’t ever even had qualities that would lend someone to believe that he even might be gay, let alone bisexual. It was mind blowing. 

 

“Dad’s….. He’s gonna…. Oh Dean,” Sam said, not able to form a full sentence. It was too much. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He didn’t…. Sam was accepting. He still loved Dean with all of his heart. “Dean… I may not understand this, or why it’s suddenly now after all these years, but I’m not going to stop loving you because of this. You’re still Dean, you’re still my brother. I still love you.” Sam said, hoping that that helped relieve Dean of some of the worry that he’d had before this call. 

 

“I can’t speak for Dad of course, but I think he’ll be the same way.” 

 

Dean did indeed let out a sigh of relief. He had known that it would turn out this way, but it still felt good to have it confirmed. He didn’t know that he’d be able to make it through life without his family. They were all he had in life, besides Cas, and Cas was now a part of his family. He didn’t know how he was going to even contemplate losing John. John had to be okay too. He needed him in his life. He asked, “Do you think that Dad’s… I mean, you think he’s gonna be okay, right?” Dean wondered what his mother would have said. She died of cancer when Dean was just four and Sammy was a newborn. It was hard to imagine. He remembered her, but with each passing year, it was getting harder and harder. He hated it. 

 

“Cause I can’t….. I need him, Sam. He’s… he’s Dad. I need him.” Dean said. His voice was a bit rough with unshed tears, losing John was a worry. He couldn’t imagine having John being alive but not being in his life. He couldn’t handle it if John chose to disown him. He just….. That would be so wrong. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to have John in his life. He just didn’t know how that was going to happen if John wasn’t accepting about this. 

 

Sam honestly didn’t know what to say to that. He knew how close Dean and John were. They’d always been closer than John and Sam were. He didn’t really know why that was. He hadn’t ever really stopped to question it though. There was an unspoken truce between Sam and his father, it had been that way for years now. It was the way Sam preferred things, they didn’t ever have to have things get awkward. “I don’t know, Dean. I don’t know what Dad’s going to say. But I can’t imagine him having a problem with this. It hasn’t changed you, you’re still the same person you were before you told me. If Dad doesn’t want to accept you for who you are, you don’t need him in your life.” 

 

That was the wrong thing to say. Dean said, “Sam, Dad has lived his entire life for us. He’s made sacrifices so we could have what we needed, what we wanted. He deserves our respect, we don’t question Dad.” Sam sighed. He wasn’t sure why he had expected anything different. He knew that Dean was always going to do what John said without question, it had been like that for their entire lives. Sam just didn’t want to see Dean lose out because he was too concerned with what John thought to live his life. Sam wanted his brother to be happy, and if that meant he was going to be with a man, so be it. Sam just wanted his brother to be at peace, and he knew that that hadn’t happened yet in the 35 years Dean had been on the planet. 

 

“Dean, I don’t want to see you give up what you want just to please Dad, okay? Be who you are, don’t let Dad’s opinion change what you want, who you really are.” 

 

“I’m not going to talk about that anymore, Sam. I said what I needed to say. I told you about me and Cas. I’ve got to go.” Dean hung up then, not giving Sam a moment to respond. He didn’t want to argue with his brother. Dean wasn’t going to let John keep him from Cas, because he honestly believed that Cas was his soulmate, but he didn’t want to entertain the idea that he would possibly lose John out of his life. That couldn’t happen…. It wasn’t acceptable. Dean wasn’t going to think about it right now. 

 

That’s when the doorbell rang, and Dean wondered if it was Cas. He hoped so, they had plans to hang out, not a definite time, which meant that Cas could show up at any time. Dean got up and went to the door, opening it, and revealing Cas. He grinned and tugged him in immediately. “Mmm, hey babe.” He said, giving Cas a kiss. He wrapped his arms around his waist. He missed him so much when he wasn’t around him. 

 

Cas knew instantly something was wrong with him. “What’s wrong, Dean?” He asked, stepping back from Dean to take off his coat. To his credit, Dean looked upset that his arms weren’t around Cas anymore. He hung his coat up on the coat rack and put his arms around Dean again, causing the man to smile. “I know you, and I know something’s wrong.” Cas said, his soft British accent lilting as he spoke. 

 

“Did you have a fight with Sam?” Cas was actually willing to meet Sam. He hadn’t been formally introduced, just had seen him a few times at Harvelle’s. He knew how important Sam was to Dean. He didn’t know that he could understand, he wasn’t close with his siblings. But they weren’t really good people. He didn’t hate them but he didn’t like them either. Castiel lifted Dean’s shirt and let his hands stroke the small of his back. He loved doing that, and if Dean was upset it started to calm him down. Cas loved that he was learning all these things about him. He loved to learn things. Especially about Dean. Whom he was finding was a fascinating man. 

 

Dean loved and hated that Cas was getting to know him so well. He sighed and shivered under Cas’ touch. He loved having Cas’ hands on him. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he and Cas ever broke up. He was hoping that never happened, but honestly, it was a worry. He was always worried when he was in a new relationship that the other person was going to leave him. It was just the broken part of him. He was always paranoid. That wasn’t going to change. He sometimes thought of himself as a grumpy old man, without the old part. Dean sighed again.

 

“Yeah, I fought with Sam. God, I wish you didn’t know me so well.” He said, kissing Cas. He just wanted to be with him, he didn’t want to talk about his fight with Sam. It meant that he would have to discuss things that he didn’t want to discuss. He just wanted to spend a quiet evening with his boyfriend. “But I don’t want to talk about it. I just want us to have a good night together.” He said, kissing Cas again. 

 

Cas wasn’t sure that he liked that, but he wouldn’t make Dean talk about it if he didn’t want to. He wasn’t like that. He said, “Okay. We don’t have to talk about it. Let’s go order some dinner, because I know that you don’t have anything in the fridge. Except leftover Chinese.” He said, causing Dean to grin from ear to ear. He didn’t know what they would order, but he was sure that they’d have to order food. “What are you in the mood for?” He asked, stepping back from Dean and toeing off his shoes, he knew that Dean didn’t like to track things through the house. He took them and set them by the coat rack. 

 

“Order some Mexican, from that place.” Dean said, as Cas went to the kitchen to get out the takeout menus. He’d been here often enough in the time they’d been dating that he felt completely at home. He loved that he and Dean were already in that place. He called back, “Which place? The one that’s ten minutes away that has the taco salad you liked or the other place that’s across town?” He was struck by how much they were a couple already. He loved it. It was so nice. Cas hadn’t ever had this before. It was one of the happiest times in his life. 

 

Dean came into the kitchen, he’d finished pulling a tee shirt over his head. “I’m… the across town one, they have better burritos.” He said, going for a beer in the fridge. He was so happy right now. He had never thought that it would be possible to be so happy. He watched as Cas called up the menu for the place on his phone. He just… he loved him so much. How was this possible? It felt like one of those crappy chick flicks that Jo always made them watch when they all hung out together. He hated that he didn’t feel that it was wrong. He felt like this was incredibly right.

 

He couldn’t believe this was his life. He was more happy than he’d ever been. It was nice to feel like this. He took a sip of his beer. “I want to get three beef burritos and the taco salad.” Dean loved taco salad from anywhere it was from, and would eat it till he busted. Although he knew he didn’t have to tell Castiel that part, he knew that Castiel already knew that. Dean ran his hand over his hair. Should he tell Cas about his fight with Sam? He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it, but he knew that he should. He didn’t want to really talk about it…. But it was definitely a good idea. 

 

“Cas? You…. did you mean it when you said you’d talk about anything with me?” He asked, trying to keep the hope from showing in his voice.

 

Cas looked up from his phone. He had finished ordering, and he looked at Dean seriously. “Of course I did.” He said, he didn’t want Dean to think that he couldn’t talk to him about things. He stepped closer to him and took Dean’s free hand. He stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. “You can tell me anything.” He reiterated. Dean was needing to get things off his chest, and he knew that he was going to do what he could to help. “If you need to talk about the fight with Sam, I’m here.” Cas was just guessing of course, but he was sure that’s what it was. 

 

Dean sipped his beer and then took a deep breath. He didn’t know how to start. “Well… I called Sam to tell him about us.” He said slowly. He heaved a sigh. “It went okay at first…. But then we started talking about what is gonna happen when I tell Dad about us.” Dean didn’t know how to put his feelings about that into words. He was so angry that Sam had posed the idea that John might not accept him. It was… Dean couldn’t have that. He had to have John accept him. Before Sam had broached the idea, he hadn’t really thought it would happen. To be honest, he’d been worried about Sam, but never their dad. 

 

“I don’t…. If he disowns me, I’m going to freak out.” 

 

Kissing him, Cas said, “From everything you’ve told me about your father, he’s going to be accepting.” Cas wasn’t sure what to do here. He honestly didn’t know at all if that was true, and he hoped that it was. Castiel knew that’s what Dean wanted to hear, and he wasn’t sure if they were at a point in their relationship yet to tell him the truth. Castiel didn’t want to upset him. He also didn’t think it was necessarily a bad thing that he was trying to spare his boyfriend’s feelings. 

 

“What did Sam say otherwise? Did he say that he accepted you?” Cas asked, assumed that it was a yes, because Dean had said that the talk had gone okay at first. Castiel used their hands to tug Dean closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. He wanted to comfort him if he could. Dean seemed upset and he didn’t like to see him upset. Dean was looking down at their hands, instead of looking Cas in the face. He wondered what he could do to get Dean to look at him. “It’s okay, Dean. You can tell me. I will be here for you.” 

 

Dean let out a sigh. “He said he accepted me and he was happy for us. I told him I wanted us to go out as a family, with him and Jo and Dad and Ellen. I thought it would be fun.” Dean really did think that. He had been dying to have a real family dinner for awhile. Dean especially wanted to since he and Cas had gotten together. He wanted to see what it was going to feel like for the rest of their lives. Dean knew that was crazy, to be so attached already. 

 

“What do you think of that?” He asked, he wanted Cas to be into the idea. He didn’t know much about Cas’ family, he didn’t really talk about them. Dean wondered what they were like. “What did your family say when you came out?” He asked. He wondered when exactly Cas had come out. Dean finally looked into Cas’ eyes. He couldn’t help himself. He loved looking into Cas’ eyes. They calmed him when nothing else did. Dean hoped that those eyes would be around to calm him for the rest of his life. He couldn’t imagine what his life would be without Cas already, after only two weeks. 

 

Cas wasn’t sure which question to answer first. “I’m okay with having a dinner with your family, Dean. You’re important to me. I want to show them that.” He said, stroking Dean’s waist. He loved touching him. He thought about what to say about what his family had said. Cas didn’t have much family anymore. He didn’t talk to his brothers, and his parents had passed away a couple of years ago. He wished that he still had them, just because they might really love Dean, just like he did. And he did. He knew how soon it was, but he really did love Dean. They hadn’t said it just yet, but he could feel it coming. 

 

“My parents were very accepting, they passed away a couple of years ago… it was a car accident. My brothers weren’t so accepting…. We don’t talk anymore.” Cas said, he missed them quite a bit. He missed Gabriel and Michael so much that he didn’t know how to put it into words. His eyes actually brushed with tears. Dean reached up to stroke Cas’ cheek, having put down the beer. Cas said quietly, “They…. I never thought they wouldn’t be accepting. I came out in college, it’s been a long time since I talked to them. I miss them very much. I am jealous that your brother is so accepting.” 

 

He wasn’t able to keep the hurt out of his voice. How had this happened? He hadn’t meant to talk about his brothers, they haunted him a lot. 

 

Dean hated that Cas was so upset. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” He said, stroking Cas’ scruffy cheek. He was glad that he was there for Cas. “I’m sorry that I asked. But I’m glad you told me. I want to get to know you. I mean, better than I do now. We know each other a lot better than some people do who have been dating longer.” He was so proud of that fact. He wanted them to just get closer. He hadn’t ever been as close to someone as he was Cas. At least, not someone that he’d dated. 

 

“I am sure that they’ll come around one day. Do you see them at all? Like, at holidays or anything?” Dean asked. Thanksgiving was really close. He was excited to have their first family gathering that Cas would be at. Plus, Ellen was a really good cook and he was excited that he’d get to have her turkey meal again. Dean was hoping that she would teach Cas, he knew how to cook. Dean knew how to order food, and stop by fast food places. He knew how to cook eggs, toast, and bacon, though. He was good with breakfast. He loved oatmeal too, actually, as long as it had a lot of brown sugar. 

 

Cas wasn’t sure what to say, he never saw his siblings anymore. He didn’t know how to say that. He didn’t want Dean to think it was going to happen with him and John. Cas brushed his free hand through his hair. “I haven’t heard from them in years. I don’t see them either. I wish that I did. Gabriel… he’s my older brother. I wish that I still saw him, he has children, from what I hear. I have never met them. He has a wife, her name is Genevieve. I have heard something from my cousins, who actually accept me. I usually spend the holidays with one of them, of course, it always has to be one in which my brothers are not in attendance.” 

 

He hadn’t ever talked about his family like that with anyone before. He didn’t know how to express how much it actually made him feel better to talk to Dean about it. It felt so good to get it off his chest. “This year I’ll be alone for Thanksgiving, both of my brothers wil be at my aunt’s home, so I am not welcome.” Cas was of course welcome, but he stayed away out of desire not to ruin anyone’s holiday. It was just easier on everyone, including himself. He felt that he shouldn’t force himself on them if they didn’t want to see him. Cas didn’t want to be around someone who didn’t want to be around him. It was just easier. 

 

“I appreciate you listening and asking me, I’ve actually never talked about it with anyone before.” 

 

He was glad that he had been able to do that for him. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do to help that. He touched Cas’ cheek. “If I could do something to them to make them accept you I would. I hate that they made you feel like this. I can’t imagine having nieces and nephews that I’ve never met.” Dean couldn’t imagine that, honestly. He didn’t want that to ever happen to him. He didn’t want to even think about it. He understood exactly how Cas must feel. He didn’t know that he could handle it as well as Cas was. 

 

Dean tugged Cas a little closer. “Look, I love you, no matter what.” He said, and then he realized that he’d been the first one to say it. He froze, but he was sure he didn’t want to take it back. He didn’t. He meant it. “Look, I know we haven’t said that yet, but I love you. I do.” He said, glad that he’d been the first one to say it. Cas needed to hear it right now. He was so upset. Dean didn’t want there to be any weirdness. He wanted this to be real and honest, and open. He just hoped that it would be too. 

 

“I’m in love with you, Cas.” 

 

Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes were already brimmed with tears. Now they had said it out loud. He had never felt it this quickly for anyone else in his life. He could hardly believe it. He didn’t know what to do. Cas did know that he should at least say it back. “I love you, Dean. I love you so much.” He said, and kissed him, glad that they had stopped talking about the sad tragedy that was his family. He didn’t want to talk about them if he didn’t have to. Cas broke the kiss to breathe and looked into Dean’s eyes. “I am so glad that you told me. I was…. I knew that it was close, one of us saying it.” 

 

It was so beautiful. They were so happy. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do. He knew that he had to do something about the holiday, but he didn’t want to assume that he was invited with Dean to his family’s affair. He wondered, but he didn’t want to assume. He honestly wanted to spend as much time with Dean as possible, he hated going back home after one of their dates. However, as much as they were getting closer and closer, neither one of them had brought up moving in together. However, there was a lot of Cas spending time at Dean’s days in a row, he was sure that he wasn’t going to go home tonight. He was sure that he was already in for the night, where he was going to be. 

 

Dean tugged him even closer. “Come on, let’s go watch something, because honestly, you read so many books, you haven’t seen anything and I can’t have a pop culture illiterate for a boyfriend.” That was also the first time one of them had put a label on it. Neither of them seemed too concerned that Dean had used the word. Cas was surprised, he could tell, but he went with Dean willingly enough. Dean led them into the living room, and tugged him with him to the couch, settling Cas on his lap. 

 

He reached for the remote, and called up Netflix. He was going to find something for them to watch. He was working on making sure that Cas saw things. He was cycling through, and stopped on one of Ellen’s favorites. It was actually one of Dean’s too, not that he would actually say it out loud. “Look, it’s White Christmas.” He said. He didn’t know what he was going to do if Cas didn’t want to watch it, because he really wanted to watch it. It was one of his holiday favorites and he watched it quite often in the holiday season. Usually more than once, especially with Ellen and John. 

 

“What do you think?” He asked. 

 

Cas looked at Dean, amused. The movie was also one of his favorites, and he was surprised that it was one of Dean’s. He gave him another kiss and he said, “I love that movie, if you’d like to watch it then by all means, let’s do so.” Cas was delighted that there were so many facets to Dean, especially when he was opening himself up, and he seemed like such a simple man. And he was, Dean didn’t need much to be happy, but Cas was finding that there was more than met the eye. He was very glad that he was learning all these things about Dean. 

 

“I think you liking White Christmas is adorable.” Cas said, giving him another kiss, smiling into it. He wondered what other classic holiday movies Dean liked to watch. Cas was personally a fan of just about any holiday movie he could get his hands on. He hoped so. He didn’t know what he was going to do about Thanksgiving, but he really hoped that Dean would ask him to go with him to his family’s dinner. He reached out, stroking Dean’s arm. “You are gorgeous, I just want you to know that.” He said, very glad that he was here with Dean. It was just amazing. He hummed along with the opening music, causing Dean to blush quite a bit. It was really cute. 

 

Dean wasn’t able to keep the chuckle out of his voice. “You are just determined to think I’m adorable, aren’t you?” He asked. Before he could say anything more, he heard a key in the door, and John’s voice calling out to him. Dean’s face went white. He didn’t know what was going to happen. In a move that surprised even himself, he moved out from under Cas, trying not to look his boyfriend in the eye. He felt bad for what he’d done, and he heard as John came in the room, looking at them with an eyebrow raised.

 

“Hi, Dad.” Dean said nervously, his heart pounding out of his chest. 

 

John stared at the two men, who were both blushing. It was obvious that something was going on. He wasn’t sure what, and he didn’t like that he couldn’t tell. “Dean Winchester, what the hell is going on?” He asked, looking between the two men. There was…. Was that a sexual tension in the room? His eyes widened. “Dean, why……. Your lips are puffy.” He accused, and Dean’s hand immediately went to his lips. 

 

“You’ve….” John stopped. He came further in the room. They were wearing guilty expressions. John was a cop for a living, he was used to sussing out situations like this. “Fuck, Dean, you’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?” He asked, as he watched his son share a look with the other man. It was an obvious couple glance, he had been married, and he’d been with Ellen for two years. He knew how to notice a couple’s look. “This man, he’s your partner, isn’t he? That’s the right word, isn’t it?” He asked, folding his muscular arms. 

 

Dean shared a look with Cas, and then looked at his father. Even though he was 35 years old, he felt like a teenager who’d been caught necking by his parents. “Dad…. it’s…. It’s new. I was going to tell you.” He said, his voice wobbling as he spoke. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He hadn’t expected his father to find out this way. He didn’t want to lose him. “Dad, please…. It’s not like I was keeping this from you on purpose. I was trying to figure out what it was before I told anyone… I told Sam today. He… he accepts this, Dad.” 

 

While it was true, Dean still felt like he had to defend himself, even though he didn’t. It was his life to do with as he pleased. He had stopped being someone for John to control a long time ago. He stepped forward slowly, not sure what the protocol was. Cas was sitting quietly on the couch, not speaking, looking down at his hands. Dean wished that he could make him feel better. Fuck, they had just told each other that they loved each other, it couldn’t be over now….. “Dad, say something.” 

 

“It’s not that I don’t accept you if you are, Dean. I just… I don’t understand. This is coming out of left field. He didn’t know what he was going to say. It just felt like a bit of a betrayal. John shook his head. “I can’t do this right now, Dean. You just… you raise a child, and you think…. You have certain dreams for them…. And you go and… you turn out to be what? Gay? Bisexual? Bisexuals just don’t know what they want.” John couldn’t do this. He just…. It’s not that he didn’t love and accept Dean, but he wasn’t prepared to handle this. “I need to go. I’m not…. I need to prepare for this conversation.” 

 

John set the things he’d been bringing back on the table, and then turned and left, the door closing behind him. Dean just stood there, trying to catch his breath. He was starting to feel a panic attack coming on, it had been years since he’d had one of those. Was this seriously happening? He didn’t know what he was going to do…. His knees buckked, and he went down, hitting the floor, his eyes filling with tears. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of happening. He ran his hand through his hair, and Cas was on the floor with him in seconds, his arms wrapping around Dean’s waist, and Dean folded into him, glad that he had the other man. He felt like his heart was going to break in two. He couldn’t…. He felt his heart breaking. Literally breaking. 

 

“Cas….. he just, he left.” Dean managed to gasp out, he felt like the room was spinning, and all he’d had was one beer. He tried to keep his mind focused on the task at hand. If he wasn’t careful he was going to pass out. He took deep breaths, his head buried in Cas’ shoulder. “Cas….. he’s gone!” He gasped, his sobs racking his entire body. He felt like he’d just lost his father for good. He knew…. It couldn’t be true, right? Please, he had to be coming back. Dean didn’t know what to do. He was clinging to Cas like a lifeboat, like he was out in the middle of the water and he was never going to see him ever again. 

 

Dean buried his head in Cas’ neck, each breath a struggle. “Cas….. Cas… I can’t…. I can’t breathe….. There’s….. I have a heart condition.” He managed to get out. It was just a murmur, but it could be dangerous when he got upset. He had to watch himself. “In…. in my bag, the…. The epinephrine, you have to get it all the way through my chest.” He gestured towards the table by the couch. He couldn’t believe that Cas didn’t know already. They’d been spending a lot of time together. 

 

Cas hoped that he was strong enough to get the epi pen through to Dean’s heart. He scrambled to get it, and didn’t hesitate a bit, he jammed it into Dean’s chest, the other man gasping out as the pen hit him, and Cas released the medicine into him, Dean was gasping for breath and clinging to him, and it took a couple of seconds, and then Dean was coughing as he gasped for air and clung to Cas. 

 

“Dean, it’s going to be okay!” Cas said, pulling out his phone to call an ambulance, Dean was going whether he wanted to or not. Cas was concerned. He held Dean in his arms, as Dean struggled to breathe, and Cas pressed kisses all over his face. “Please, Dean, don’t die…….. It’s going to be okay.” He was completely out of his element, and he knew that he would die if something happened to Dean. He knew it. He was going to lose his cool. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t……

 

_It wasn’t. IT WASN’T._

 

_**Author’s note: AND there it is…… the drama. There’s always a bit of drama. I’m not good at the fluffy. So, it’s looking like this is going to be a WIP. Well, look at that. LOL. Anyway, I hope ya’ll liked, you can weigh in on your thoughts if you like. I swear, this might get angsty for a bit, but in the end, it WILL have a happy ending. I swear. The first TWO Destiel fics I read were ones in which Cas died, UGH, FUCK, TWIST AND SHOUT UGH. And I don’t want that to be this kind of fic. I am sure at one point I’ll write one of those….. It’s just what I do, but THIS one won’t be that. I SWEAR. The title is from a song called 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles, check it out!** _


	3. You Hold Me Without Touch

Chapter Three: You Hold Me Without Touch

 

Back of the room  
Looking at you  
Counting the steps   
Between us

 

A hundred and five  
Little blades in a line  
From your skin to mine  
And I feel it

 

Eyes on the ground  
But I can’t look up now  
Don’t wanna give it away   
My secret

 

In another life,   
My teeth and tongue  
Would speak aloud what until now  
I’ve only sung

 

Cause I would die to make you mine  
Bleed me dry each and every time  
I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it  
I would come back 1000 times

 

The hospital was full of people and busy when Sam got there. He couldn’t believe that Dean hadn’t told Cas about his murmur. He actually wasn’t supposed to be drinking so much, it was why Jo had been so worried about him lately. Sam totally saw why, Dean was acting insane. He hadn’t slept with Castiel yet, right? Sam was hoping not. He didn’t know, Dean hadn’t exactly disclosed that to him when he’d been talking to him on the phone. He was on his way to the fucking ICU…. that couldn’t be true, right? Dean was going to make it through this… he had to. 

 

Turning the corner, he found Cas and Jo waiting for him. He wondered what he was going to say. He had called Ellen and John of course, and they were supposedly on the way. He could hardly feel anything, he was in shock. Dean was on autopilot for sure. When he got to Jo, he put his arms around her, hugging her close. He didn’t know what he was going to say, he knew that she was worried too. They all were, it wasn’t fair at all. He let out a deep breath. What was he supposed to do? Dean was his fucking brother. The only one he had. He took a deep breath, trying to formulate thoughts. He couldn’t focus on anything. He wished that he could, he wished that he could take everything back that he had said to Dean on the phone. He…. Dean was going to be okay. Yeah, he had this heart murmur, but it wasn’t serious…. Not if someone got to him in time with his epi pen. That had happened right? Cas had been there. This was going to be okay. It was. It had to be. 

 

Jo looked up at him, not sure what she was going to say. She knew that Dean was being incredibly reckless lately. She hadn’t wanted to tell Sam. It was too much for him to handle, she knew that. It was just…. Dean was his only brother. They had been so close. Dean had had to raise Sam for most of his life, John had had to work very hard in order to keep food on their table. Sam and Dean’s mother had died when Sam was a baby, in childbirth. She hadn’t even gotten to hold Sam. Jo tried not to think about this most of the time, it was incredibly depressing. She heaved a sigh, wishing that she could do something to make it better. She knew how much that Dean and Sam loved each other.

 

“Dean’s gonna be okay, Sam.” She promised him, looking up at him. It blew her away how tall he was. She and Sam had been together steadily for about four years, it was starting to feel pretty permanent. Jo was actually expecting him to propose any minute. She didn’t want to pressure him, though, she wasn’t that type of girl. So she hadn’t, but she’d been waiting for the day it might come. Jo knew it was weird to some people, because John and Ellen had been dating for two years, and it was looking like it was pretty permanent for them too. Jo and Sam would be step siblings. However, that wasn’t against anything. She just thought it was going to be a little awkward maybe when the time came that one of the couples got married. 

 

She finally turned towards Cas, who was waiting over in the corner of the waiting room by himself. “Cas? Are you okay? What…. What happened?” Cas hadn’t been too informative on the phone, he’d been hard to understand with his worry for Dean. Jo had only been able to make out the words ‘Dean’ and ‘hospital’. 

 

That was something that Cas was afraid to answer. Were they going to be mad at him? He couldn’t handle that. He didn’t know what he was going to say. It was hard for him to even form the words. He hadn’t been the one to call John and Ellen, that had been Sam. He hadn’t felt it was his place. He was trying to find his voice in order to answer the question that Jo had asked. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. How was he supposed to tell them that this happened because John had walked out on his own son? Cas was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was hard to do that. 

 

He had been where Dean was, with the uncertainty that your family might not see you the same way that they had. Cas took a deep breath. “John walked in on Dean and I hanging out, spending time together….. And he figured out that there’s more between us than just friendship.” Cas said, wondering if Sam had told Jo about his conversation with Dean. It seemed a million years ago. Cas wasn’t even sure what they were doing to Dean, but he was in the ICU. His boyfriend was in the ICU. Cas was glad that they hadn’t slept together yet, Dean might have died. Cas couldn’t believe that this was something he hadn’t told Cas. And he was going around getting wasted and sleeping with people. Of course, he hadn’t been doing that last one lately. Cas could feel the bile building up in his stomach. He did his best to keep his face impassive, he didn’t want to discuss his feelings on this matter. He was also trying not to throw up, and he had nothing in his stomach anyway. He had thrown up before Sam and Jo had arrived. 

 

“Dean and I are dating, and John appeared to have an issue with it. It sent Dean into the panic attack….. I guess that was when he needed the shot.” Cas desperately wanted to ask Sam what was up with the shot, but he wasn’t sure what Sam would divulge and what he wouldn’t. Turning his blue eyes on Sam, he asked, “What is…… how bad is the heart murmur? Is he…. If we have…. Is he going to?” Cas could barely get the words out, his heart was pounding out of his chest with fear.

 

That was a hard question for Sam to even answer, let alone have to answer to Dean’s boyfriend. “He…. he was born with it. Most of the time he’s okay, but other times, he’s not. He…. he has to keep himself from getting too excited…. And too stressed out.” The last time this had happened, Dean had just gotten out of a serious relationship with a woman named Lisa. Dean had been far too in love with her for Sam’s tastes. Sam had been far too worried about him when he’d been with Lisa. He took his time before he said anything else. 

 

“Dean almost died the last time something like this happened. He’s of course on the list… but with the way he doesn’t listen to his doctors, it really hurts him. He’s going to end up…. End up….” Sam couldn’t even say it. His voice had gotten very soft. Sam kept his arm tight around his girlfriend as he struggled to say what he had to say. “He…. he can’t make it through another hard time like that was, Cas. He can’t.” Despite himself, his voice was sure. Sam didn’t want to be, but he knew that he was. He swallowed hard before he spoke again. 

 

“You’re…. You’re going to lose him this time.” 

 

Jo watched Cas get this news, and his knees buckled, and he actually fell to the ground. Jo wished that she could do something to change what Sam had said. Unfortunately, they’d all been his breakup with Lisa. “It’s… it’ll be okay, Cas. I promise.” Jo tried, but she knew that he wasn’t necessarily listening to that. Jo knelt with him on the floor, touching Cas’ arm. She wanted to change this. She wanted to have magical powers that would help Cas not be so broken. Jo understood why he was terrified, and he hadn’t even seen what it had been like the last time. She had been worried for Sam too, he had taken that harder than any of them had. 

 

She didn’t have any siblings, so she didn’t know what that bond was like. Jo wished that she did. She supposed that she understood a little because she looked at Dean like a big brother. Jo just didn’t know how anyone could be in Dean’s life and not care about him. It was practically impossible. Jo didn’t know what she was going to do. She didn’t and couldn’t know how to make this better. Jo rubbed Cas’ back gently, trying to comfort him as best that she could. “I don’t know what to do to help you. I’m sorry that I don’t. I just…. I wish that I could change things and make it easier. Sam took this really hard last time, and I’m worried about both of you this time around.” 

 

It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Cas was in love with Dean. She could tell by how worried he was. Jo wondered if Dean felt the same way. She wondered if Dean and Cas had slept together. It wasn’t something that you could ask delicately. 

 

“Cas…… what happened after you shot him with the pen?” Jo asked gently. 

 

Cas turned to look out of the window then, his heart pounding and galloping out of his chest. That was honestly not something he wanted to tell her. It was too much to handle. Cas sniffled, and tried to keep his cool. It was too hard for him to talk about. He had been so worried about Dean that he’d hardly been able to keep from breaking down on the way to the hospital. Before he could tell Jo what had happened next, John and Ellen arrived. 

 

As soon as he saw John, Cas saw red. He ran at him, his fists punching whatever of John he could reach. They all leaped into action, Jo and Ellen pulling at Cas and Sam trying to pull John out of Cas’ reach. Cas snapped, “This is all your fault! You….. you don’t know what it’s like to feel wrong in your own body. To feel feelings for someone that the world has deemed inappropriate for you! To have to walk down the street and not be able to hold hands with the one that you love because you’re afraid of what might happen!” Cas gasped in anger, and Ellen and Jo successfully managed to get him away from John. He stopped fighting them, so they could relax. 

 

“All he wanted from you was acceptance! And you couldn’t even give him that! Why couldn’t you just see that Dean is trying to figure things out just like everyone else?” Cas asked, his voice breathless with his rage.

 

Tears brimmed in John’s eyes as he looked back at Castiel. “Your name is Castiel, right?” When Cas nodded, John tried to catch his breath. “Look, as soon as I walked out, I regretted it. I want Dean to be able to tell me anything. I’m…. our generation didn’t talk about being gay. I always raised Dean to be who he is no matter what, but that doesn’t mean that I expected him to come out. I expected Dean to be…. Like everyone else. Not that being gay or bisexual is abnormal…. I just, I expected him to be someone who settled down, got married…. Had kids. “ John knew that he could do all of that with Castiel, but it was so much harder when you were in a same sex relationship. It made things so much more complicated. 

 

“And for the record, I don’t think it’s something that can be chosen. If Dean is bisexual, I know that he was born that way. I know that. It’s just… it was a shock to hear it like that. I wasn’t prepared. He didn’t know how to explain what he was thinking. John wished that he could change the reaction he’d had. “It’s hard to explain when you don’t have kids. I just., I knew that with this, Dean’s life was going to be so much more complicated. And he’s my son. I don’t want his life to be that way. It’s just… it’s hard for me to get the right words out. You have a right to be angry, and so does Dean. I wish that I could turn back the clock and react differently.” 

 

Sam understood what his father was saying, even if Castiel didn’t. “Dad, I know that you didn't mean to hurt Dean. But what matters now is that he gets better. We have to get along for him. He wanted us all to get along. He wanted us to be a family. He told me that he wanted us to go out to dinner, all of us.” Sam wished that he could find better words to express himself. He just hoped that these would be the ones that would help his father to understand. He had been afraid that this would happen. He honestly didn’t know how they were going to survive this. Especially with Dean being in the coma or surgery or wherever it was. He hadn’t really been able to focus on that part when Cas had left the message. 

 

This is when a doctor stepped up to the group. Castiel recognized him from when he’d first arrived at the hospital. “Are you Dean Winchester’s family?” The doctor asked, looking at each of them in turn. When there was nods, he said, “I hate to tell you this, but Dean is going to need a new heart as soon as possible. We got his heart going again, and we’ve got him on an LVAD. It helps his heart beat. He actually can’t leave the hospital for a few days. We want to monitor him and make sure that his heart adjusts to being on the LVAD. Lucky for him., he’s sicker so he got moved up on the list.” At his he paused, and they all looked at him with eyebrows raised. “He’s number three on the list right now.” 

 

With another pause, he said, “He’s asleep right now, and might be for awhile, sleeping off the anesthesia, but you can go and see him two at a time.” 

 

It was decided that Cas would go alone first, and he shot Sam a grateful look as he went to follow the doctor to Dean’s room. Cas could hardly believe that Dean had done this. Had kept something like this from him. It wasn’t like it was a list of his past sexual partners…. This was something that was life threatening, literally. Cas reached the door and stood there for a moment before he finally went in. He hated to see Dean like this. Dean was larger than life, especially his personality. It was hard for him to see Dean like this. He looked so fragile and small laying there. 

 

He went in, and sat by the bed, looking at Dean laying there so quietly and peacefully. It scared the hell out of Cas. He didn’t know if Dean was going to wake up and it was scaring him. Cas sighed as he sat and took Dean’s hand. His thumb stroked the back idly, wishing that he could do something more than just sit by his bedside. Cas worked as a writer, and he suddenly wished that he’d taken medical courses in school so that he would be helpful right now. All he could do was feel helpless and hold Dean’s hand. 

 

As he sat there looking at him, wishing he could change things, to his surprise, Dean’s eyes fluttered. Cas squeezed Dean’s hand. “Dean? Are you waking up?” Cas decided right now wasn’t the time to talk to him, about the dishonesty that Dean had put into motion. Cas felt it was more important that they spend the time together that they should while they should. Was he being too paranoid? He thought maybe, he wanted Dean to wake up from this. He supposed that he was going to have to learn to learn how to help Dean with whatever he needed to do. Cas honestly wanted to see the LVAD, but he knew that he couldn’t just ask to see it. It was as rude as calling someone a named like fag or nigger. He didn’t ask about it, just held Dean’s hand while he waited for him to speak. 

 

That was when Dean’s green eyes opened part of the way. He squinted a bit in the harsh light. He wasn’t sure where he was, and then he focused on the room. He was in the hospital. “Oh…… not surprised.” Dean said, his voice gravelly. He looked at Cas, who was, to his credit, sitting there calmly and holding Dean’s hand. Dean knew he was going to have to explain some things, and he wasn’t sure that he was really up for that. He knew that Cas was going to want an explanation. He racked his brain, trying to remember what had happened before he woke up here. 

 

That’s when it hit him, he’d told John that he was dating Cas, and then what happened after. Dean didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe that John had just walked out. Dean let out a sigh. “I suppose you have a lot of questions you’d like it ask.” He said, wishing that he could make things easier for Cas. He hadn’t expected something like this to happen, and he was sorry that it had. He squeezed Cas’ hand. “I know that I should have told you about my heart. But every time someone knows, they treat me differently. You were treating me normally and I really liked that. Everyone treats me like I’m glass and I’m going to break.” 

 

It was true, and he didn’t know how to explain that to Cas, how much that hurt. He didn’t want to be that guy, the one that everyone felt sorry for. “I don’t like being the guy that everyone feels sorry for.” 

 

That made sense when Cas heard it out loud. He didn’t know what he would do if it was him. He supposed that he understood that. “I think I understand that. I’m…. and we’ve only been together for two weeks… but this is a big thing, Dean. A big thing to keep secret. I mean, you could have died or had a an attack or something when I was with you and I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have known what to do. You should have told me. I don’t want that to ever happen again, not knowing what to do. I was worried about you, and it killed me to see you that way.” 

 

Cas didn’t know what else to say. He knew he should tell Dean what the doctor said. He knew Dean was going to hate having to be on the LVAD. He didn’t know what he was going to say. Cas heaved a sigh himself. “Dean, the doctor says…. That you have to stay in the hospital for a few days. You’re on a machine called an LVAD, it helps your heart beat.” Cas hated being the one who told Dean what was going on. He saw the look in Dean’s eyes, and he hated it. Cas had to take a second before he said the next bit. 

 

“He said that you have to have a new heart, Dean.” 

 

That was not something that Dean was surprised about, honestly. He had known that he would need a new heart somewhere down the line. He just wondered why it was now. Dean sighed. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I really am. But I was just enjoying not being the one who was sick for once.” Dean finally registered what else Cas had said. His heart fell. “I can’t…. I can’t believe that I have to stay here….” He said, groaning. He hated the hospital. He hadn’t had to be in one since he’d been with Lisa. He remembered how awful it had been then. He hated feeling like a sick person, and he knew that he was. It just felt like the worst feeling he had ever felt. He wanted to be well. 

 

“What I’m not surprised about is that I have to have a new heart. I always thought that I would have to at some point. What I never thought was that I would have to have an LVAD and stay in the hospital before that happened.” Dean sighed. “What I also never thought that was my dad would be the thing to push me into this.” Dean didn’t know if his dad was even here, he had to be…. He wouldn’t just not be here, right? Dean looked at Cas. “Is my family here?” He asked, he knew that Sam and Jo would be, and Ellen most likely. He was just unsure if his father would be there. He hated that feeling, of not being able to count on John. He had always been able to count on John for everything. 

 

“I can’t believe that I have to worry about him not being here…..” Dean said, not even sure that he’d said it loud enough for Cas to hear. 

 

Cas squeezed Dean’s hand. “For the record, he is here. We got into a fight…. But he’s here.” He said. “Also, to be fair, he says that he knew that he was wrong.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to say, but he was glad that he was able to tell Dean that John was there. He felt glad for that, because Dean’s face actually lit up. Cas felt glad that he’d been able to make Dean happy like that. He leaned out and kissed him. “I’m going to go so that Sam and Jo can come back and talk to you too.” He said, he hated to leave but he knew he could come back later. 

 

“And then John and Ellen can come in. There’s only two allowed at a time. I will come back later when everyone’s had a turn.” He said, wishing that he could stay the whole time. Cas kissed him once more, glad that he could be here for Dean. Dean wasn’t going to be alone in this. “I love you though.” He said, that caused Dean to smile again, and he felt good again. Cas loved that he was making Dean smile even during this terrible time. He was glad that he was able to do this. 

 

Dean watched as Cas walked back out to the waiting room, and it wasn’t long before Sam and Jo had come in. Dean accepted a hug from Jo, and then one from Sam. They had never been uncomfortable hugging. Dean hated that he was here. Dean watched as Jo sat down and Sam stood nervously behind her. He wondered what Sam was thinking. He didn’t want to ask him though. In case it was something that neither of them were prepared to deal with. 

 

He turned to Jo. “I’m gonna be okay, Jo. I know that I will. They’ll get me a new heart… I mean, I knew it was coming eventually.” He wished that he could do something about this. He knew that he couldn’t. He didn’t feel right about any of it, and he didn’t like not having control. He was used to it, having this heart condition, but that didn’t mean that he liked it. Dean didn’t like how worried Jo looked. He wondered now if this was why she had looked so worried about him lately. He had been doing a lot of stuff that he wasn’t supposed to. Dean had been wondering if that was why Jo had been so weird around him. 

 

“Have you been worried about me lately because I’m doing stuff I’m not supposed to?” Dean asked her, she was avoiding looking at him. 

 

Jo didn’t know how to tell him that that was the problem. She finally looked him in the eye. She brushed her hand through her long blonde hair. She nodded. “I’ve been really worried about you lately Dean because you keep doing things like getting drunk and sleeping with people you shouldn’t sleep with. You have a heart condition, Dean, you can’t just get blackout drunk all the time. Look where that landed you. I mean, part of it is the shock of what John said, and honestly, I don’t blame you, but you wouldn’t have gotten that upset if you hadn’t been doing things you shouldn’t have been.” 

 

She felt bad for telling him that, but she was glad that she’d gotten it off her mind. Jo knew that Dean and Sam were used to people shooting it straight to them. She didn’t feel super bad but she did feel a little guilty. Jo looked at him. “You are gonna be fine, Dean. I know it. I just… you have to do what your doctor tells you.” Jo really didn’t want anything to happen to Dean. It’s why she was so worried about him. “You have an entire family that loves you, and now you have Cas. I know that he loves you, I can tell. You can’t leave him. You finally found someone, Dean.” She knew that they were meant to be together. She could tell. 

 

Dean knew that she was right, but it didn’t make it sound any better. He sighed. “I know that you’re right.” He finally said, letting out another sigh. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to be here for days, and he knew that’s what was going to happen. He wanted to be home with Cas, and that was all he wanted. He knew that he was going to have to behave himself. Instead of keeping on that subject, he looked at her and said, “How far on the list am I for a new heart?” He asked. 

 

That was the thing he wanted to know the most, and he hoped that she would tell him the truth. He didn’t want to know if it was a bad number, but he knew that there were some things you just had to know. Dean brushed his hand across his chin, he had a bit of a five o’clock shadow. He needed to shave. But he knew that Cas liked him a bit unshaven. He had started to learn what Cas liked and what he didn’t. Dean didn’t know how it was possible to get happier than he was. Even with all of this stuff that was going on. Because he knew that he still had Cas. He could make it through this if he had Cas. 

 

Jo shared a look with Sam before she looked back at Dean. “You’re third on the list, Dean, the doctor says it’s because you’re worse than you were.” Dean didn’t want to hear that, she was sure. But she had to tell him. She didn’t like that he was so sick, but she was glad that it meant that he might get a heart faster and he really needed one. She didn’t like the look on his face when she said that. “I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.” She hated to make him upset, but he had asked. And it was probably better that he knew. She didn’t know that he could get better if he didn’t know what the real stakes were. 

 

“You won’t have to stay here forever, Dean. I know that you will get to leave here and eventually they’ll find you a heart.” Jo didn’t know how he could deal with all of this. And Cas was so great, he was willing to stick by Dean and they had only been dating for two weeks. She couldn’t imagine that Dean could do any better than that. Jo didn’t know that she was ever gonna think that anyone else was good enough for Dean. Jo touched his arm. “And Cas loves you so much. I have never seen someone take on John like he did. He went to bat for you. He’s going to keep doing that, I would bet money.” 

 

Speaking of John, he knocked on the door. He was alone, he’d left Ellen back in the waiting room with Cas. He didn’t know if it was a good idea, but he wanted to talk to Dean. “Guys, can I have a minute with Dean?” He asked, and Jo and Sam shuffled out. John wasn’t the kind of man you said no to. He went in as they left, and he sat down in the chair next to Dean’s bed. He didn’t know what he was going to say, but he wanted to apologize for the way he’d been acting. 

 

“Dean, I want to apologize. I know that this is my fault…. I know that I caused this. I don’t want to make things worse. I really don’t. I just… I want to tell you that I accept you for who you are. If that includes being with Castiel, then that’s what that includes.” John didn’t know how he could have been the way he was. He had always raised his kids to be who they were regardless of who didn’t or did like it. “Please forgive me. I am going to be here for you through this. I know that I wasn’t exactly the best father in the world, but I have always tried to love you kids as much as I can.”

 

Dean fingered the blanket he was laying under. “Dad, I know that you didn’t mean what you said. I know that you wanted more for me than Cas. I get all of that. I really do. However, what you said… I’m hurt. I know that you don’t know what it’s like to fall for someone that’s the same gender as you are. It’s never happened to me before, but I wouldn’t change this. I know that Cas is the one for me. I know it’s crazy, we’ve been together less than a month. However, sometimes, you just know. I need to know that you’re not just saying this because you’re afraid of losing me.” 

 

It was just how he felt. He didn’t want to let John off the hook too easily. He wasn’t blaming John at all for this, he really wasn’t. Jo was probably right, it was most likely his own fault for not doing what he was supposed to do. He didn’t want to make his dad feel like shit. He just wanted to get his father to understand that this wasn’t just a phase. “Me being with Cas isn’t a phase. It’s permanent. He’s not going anywhere. I just need to know that you know that. If that’s okay with you, then we’re all good.” Dean knew that his dad didn’t want to hear that, most likely, but he knew that he understood his dad’s motivations. It must be hard to have your kid that you had dreams for just change everything on a dime. 

 

“I may not know what you feel from experience but I understand why you said what you said.” 

 

John gave him a half smile. “I know that it’s permanent. I think that’s what scared me so much. And I know that kid loves you, you ought to have heard what he said to me when Ellen and I got here. You are gonna be in good hands, Dean. You are gonna be well taken care of with all of this. Cas is ready to take it on, and you. He’s been with you all of two weeks, and he’s going to stick by you. I am proud of you. You are going to be fine. I’ve been worried about you for awhile now, I was afraid you wouldn’t find someone great like Sam did. But you are an amazing person, and Cas knows it. This proved to me that you’re going to be fine. It’s nice to not have to worry about that anymore.” 

 

It felt good to get all of that off his chest. He touched Dean’s shoulder. “You’re an amazing kid, Dean, and I am very proud of you. I am not happy that you got yourself here, Jo told me what you’ve been doing…. But I understand why you’ve been so upset. You’re going to do what you’re supposed to do, and I know that Cas is going to make sure that you do.” 

 

Dean felt better. This may not have worked out the way he wanted it to, but this was going to be okay. He didn’t know how, but it was. He nodded, nothing else needed to be said at the moment, they were good. Dean felt much better about the whole thing. It was going to be okay, he was sure of it. Just had to be patient. 

 

You can make me wait forever  
Push me away and tell me never  
I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it  
I would come back a 1000 times  
Hey hey

 

Kiss me goodnight  
Like a good friend might  
I’ll do the same  
But won’t mean it

 

Cause love is a cage  
These words on the page  
Carry the pain  
They don’t free it

 

In another life   
I wouldn’t need to   
Console myself  
As I resign to release you

 

Cause I would die to make you mine  
Bleed me dry each and every time  
I don’t mind no I don’t mind it  
I would come back 1000 times

 

_**Author’s note: So, I hope you liked! This fic keeps coming out so quickly. I’m not sure what will happen next, but I do know that angst is what I do best, so there will definitely be some more. However, Destiel is together and I do not plan on them breaking up. I am also toying with Jo being pregnant, ya’ll let me know what you think of that. Anyway, review if you like, and I will be back with more soon, I am hoping!** _


	4. You Keep Me Without Chains

Chapter Four: You Keep Me Without Chains

 

_Something always brings me back to you_  
It never takes too long  
No matter what I say or do  
I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone 

_You hold me without touch_  
You keep me without chains  
I never wanted anything so much  
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain 

_Set me free_  
Leave me be  
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity  
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be  
But you’re on to me and all over me 

_Oh, you loved me ‘cause I’m fragile_  
When I thought that I was strong  
But you touch me for a little while  
All my fragile strength is gone 

 

The next morning Dean awoke in the hospital. He remembered how much that sucked, to wake up and know that you were still in the hospital. He let out a groan and turned to look around the room. Cas was asleep on the foldout couch, there was a couch in the room that folded into a bed. This hospital was very swanky. Dean had no idea what the hospital bills were going to be, but he was very afraid to see them. Cas had insisted that he was going to take care of it for him, but Dean had no idea how he was going to do that. Of course, they hadn’t discussed Cas’ finances, but he knew that Cas was a writer. Dean knew that he was at least comfortable, from the house that Cas lived in. It was much nicer than Dean’s place. Dean wondered if anyone else was still here, or was planning on coming back. He knew that they had made an exception for Cas, they’d told them that he was Dean’s fiance. It didn’t matter if it was true or not. They knew they were permanent, they didn’t need a piece of paper yet to prove it. 

 

Although Dean was thinking why wait? They could get married, and then Dean would be on Cas’ insurance. Dean knew that he was meant to be with Cas, and there was nothing that would prove to him otherwise. He knew his family was on board too, he knew that they had changed their minds on Cas when the man had been so adamant at staying at Dean’s side through all of this. Dean honestly hadn’t needed proof that Cas loved him, but it had definitely proven to him that Cas was the one for him. He had never been so happy in his life. He had thought he’d found forever with Lisa, but it had proven to be wrong. Not that he missed Lisa. He didn’t. The last time he’d had an attack like this had been because of her. 

 

Dean was going to call out to Cas to tell him he was awake when there was a knock on his door, and he saw Jo standing there. “Hey, Jo. You’re here early.” It was only nine o’clock. Dean set his bed up some as she came in the room, walking quietly to avoid waking up his boyfriend. 

 

Jo had come here to tell Dean something, something that she was afraid to tell Sam. She knew he’d be accepting, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t scared. Her news wasn’t exactly something they had planned. She sat down in the chair beside Dean’s bed. “Dean, I have some news… and there’s no one else to tell but you. I mean… I need to tell Sam, but I kind of want to tell you first. Mostly because this wasn’t planned and I don’t know what he’s going to say. I want to see what you think he might say.” 

 

She kept her eyes on Dean, who kept his green ones on hers, waiting for her to speak. Jo let out a breath, and then said, “I’m pregnant.” She waited with bated breath as Dean digested this information, and he smiled. “That’s great, Jo!” He gestured for a hug, and she leaned out, letting him hug her. She was glad that he was happy. When she’d pulled back, she looked at him. “What do you think Sam is going to say?” She asked, wincing at the thought. She and Sam hadn’t actually discussed kids yet, they weren’t even engaged. However, they had been together for a long time now, and it was definitely something that they could weather together. Jo wasn’t doubting that Sam would stay with her. They had been together for four years, of course. 

 

“I just found out a couple of weeks ago. I’m about two months along.” It was one of the reasons Jo had been so quiet also, besides her worry about Dean, she was pregnant and had been unsure of how to tell everyone. She was having her possible stepbrother’s baby. 

 

Dean was so glad that she had chosen to tell him. He gave her a grin. “Sammy’s gonna be so happy, Jo. I know that he’s been so happy with you. You’re the love of his life, Jo. He… there was Jess, in college, but she died unexpectedly, and he never really dated again till you. You’ve been together for four years, you shouldn’t worry that he’s going to go anywhere. He’s always wanted kids, Jo. This is going to be good news, I promise you.” He said, hoping that that reassured her. He didn’t want to alienate her, she was going to be family now forever. Dean was glad that it was going to be Jo, she was a wonderful girl and she had been very good to Sam. Dean didn’t want to see her go. 

 

“You’re always going to be family, Jo. You are perfect for Sam. I know you two haven’t talked marriage and kids yet, but I know that this is gonna be good news for him.” Dean was so glad that this was happening right now. The entire family needed some good news. Their family may be a bit unorthodox, but they were family nonetheless. Dean couldn’t imagine that they couldn’t deal with anything that the world wanted to say. He knew that some people might find it strange that Jo and Sam’s parents were dating also, but none of them had so far, and Jo and Sam had actually started dating first, and it wasn’t illegal so it’s not as if it was a real problem.

 

Before Jo could answer, Cas stirred. He opened his eyes and settled them on his boyfriend and Jo. “Good morning, Jo. You’re here early.” Cas said, his British accent coming out groggy with sleep. He didn’t know why Jo was here so early, but he kind of wished that she wasn’t. He didn’t know why. Cas ran his hand through his messy black hair. “I’m going to go and get some coffee, can I get either of you anything?” He knew that Dean wasn’t going to be pleased with his breakfast options, he was on a strict diet at the moment, and it didn’t include bacon. Dean would worship bacon if the opportunity would present itself. 

 

When they both declined anything, Cas decided that while Jo could refuse something if she so chose, Dean could not. He was bringing Dean some fresh fruit and cottage cheese, and maybe he could get some turkey bacon by Dean. He went to do the best job he could to freshen up in the bathroom of Dean’s room, he needed to shower but it could wait till he’d had some food and coffee. He knew that Dean was going to be disappointed that he didn’t also get coffee, but diet soda was just as good for caffeine. He was going to have to deal with that. Cas was determined to take care of him, regardless of whether Dean liked it or not. He could learn to deal. Cas intended to have him around for a long time, and that meant that he was going to make sure it happened. 

 

Stepping out of the bathroom, Cas leaned down and kissed Dean. “I will be back in a bit with breakfast, whether you like it or not you are eating something, Dean Winchester. It may not be what you like but it will be something that you’re going to eat.” He told him, smiling at Dean as he rolled his eyes. Cas cupped his jaw. “I do it because I love you.” He told him, and with one more kiss, swept from the room. He knew where the cafeteria was, and headed down that way. He didn’t know how he was going to get through this. He was already starting to feel the wear of the whole thing. 

 

To his surprise, upon reaching the cafeteria, he found John. Cas knew that the man had apologized to Dean, but he wasn’t sure that he was ready to forgive the man. Cas came to a stop in front of the man, his arms tightly folded. “You’re here early.” He said, not sure that he wanted to actually talk to him. Cas still didn’t think that John was really on board with his son being with Cas. Cas knew that there were motives that he might have, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to hear what they were. Cas didn’t have kids, but if he did, he would love them no matter what. And that included dating someone that he didn’t think they should be with. At some point, you had to trust your children’s judgment. 

 

When his son’s partner greeted him with such frosty attitude, John didn’t have any surprise at all. He didn’t expect the other man’s forgiveness at all. At least, not till he had time to prove that he was on board. John didn’t mind proving that he was on board with things, he knew that it was what he deserved after what he’d done. John was a cop. He was a practical man, and he knew that he was going to have to work to make up for what he’d done. John gave him a soft smile, trying to prove to him that he was here for both of them. 

 

“I know, I have a lot of ground to make up for. I came to get breakfast for Dean and you before I went upstairs. Ellen has some work to catch up on, and now that Dean is somewhat out of the woods, I need to get back to work. I have to be in this afternoon. I don’t mind, I want to do what I can to help Dean with the hospital bills which I know are going to be astronomical.” John said, pleased to see the look on Cas’ face change to add a bit of surprise. He was pleased he’d been able to elicit something other than anger out of the man. 

 

“Although I presume you are here for the same reason.” 

 

Cas didn’t want to acknowledge that John was right. He wasn’t coming up with a reason to turn the man away, also. He didn’t have something that would require the man to leave them alone for breakfast. Especially with his potential daughter in law already there. He unfolded his arms as they moved out of the way to accommodate some people that needed by. “I am here for Dean’s and my breakfast. I feel I should tell you that Jo is here also. She is upstairs with Dean.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to say to John, this felt awkward, although he hoped it felt that way for the other man, also. More so for John is what he was hoping. 

 

He started them towards the food, he knew what he was getting for himself and Dean, and he didn’t care much what John had intended to get for them. He headed for the fruit, grabbing some apple slices, some pineapple, and then moved to the cottage cheese. John made his own choices, and Cas also grabbed some orange juice for himself and a Diet Pepsi for Dean. Cas decided at the last minute to grab some bagels and some strawberry cream cheese. He wanted to have enough in case Jo decided she was hungry also. Cas grabbed another orange juice and then headed to pay, knowing that John was behind him with his breakfast also. Cas refused to give John the opportunity to pay, he pulled out his gold Amex card and paid. 

 

When John saw the Amex, he had to admit, he was surprised. He didn’t know that Cas was well off. John wondered if Dean knew that. Not that it mattered, Dean loved Cas regardless of how much money he had. John also wondered if that was going to factor into Dean’s hospital stay and operations. He had to admit, he wouldn’t mind if Dean got some help with that, although he knew that Dean was too proud to accept help from Cas. He was too proud to accept help from anyone. John had raised him not to be that way of course, everyone needed help sometimes. He paid for his own breakfast, an egg, bacon, and cheese sandwich and an iced cappuccino, which he had been surprised to find that he liked a great deal. John walked with Cas in silence up to the ICU, where Dean’s room still was. John had thought that Dean being in the ICU was over, since he’d been doing so well the past few years. They had thought he might need a new heart one day, but they’d never really thought that it would happen just three short years after he’d been in the hospital after Lisa. Dean had been in and out of the hospital when he was young. But nothing ever too serious, not like this. Dean had been around for most of Sam’s childhood, which was something that John wished he could claim. He’d been working too hard to make sure that there was a roof over their heads.

 

When they reached Dean’s hospital room, John let Cas step in first, and followed him in. John greeted Jo with a kiss on the cheek, and a pat on the shoulder for his son. He sat down on the other side of the bed, watching as Cas put the breakfast down on Dean’s attached bedside tray. John opened his sandwich, watching as Dean groaned over the choices he had to pick from and Cas’ gentle insisting that he was going to have to deal with it. It was what was healthy for him. John was blown away by how much Cas was stepping into the role of caretaker. John honestly was pleased that Cas was taking care of Dean so excellently. He knew that he could worry less with Cas in his son’s life. 

 

“Dean, I’ll have you know that your boyfriend is right, you shouldn’t put any more stress on your heart than you should right now.” John told him, taking a sip of his coffee.

 

Taking up some apple slices, Dean turned to look at his father. “I don’t know Dad, I see that sandwich you’re holding and I would much rather eat that than fruit and cottage cheese. Although I’d never turn down a bagel.” He said, Cas was busy spreading the strawberry cream cheese on a bagel for him. Dean missed the coffee he could have had, but he liked Diet Pepsi okay. It was better than no caffeine at all. He groaned when Cas slipped a straw in the can. He didn’t want to drink it from a straw. 

 

He was pleased to see that Jo had taken some of the fruit and one of the bagels. Dean had hoped that she would eat something. But then again, he knew about the baby. Dean wondered if Sam was going to be as happy as he’d told Jo he would be. Dean was sure of it, but he didn’t know for sure. Dean himself had always wanted kids, but he wasn’t sure that Sam had wanted them. Sam had never expressed an interest in having kids. Dean knew that he might feel differently though, there was a lot that went on in Sam’s head that he didn’t share with Dean. Dean wasn’t exactly going to press him about it, he didn’t want to force Sam to talk about things that were really none of his business. That was Sam;s job, Sam was the one who pressed Dean about things. 

 

“Cas, you are doing a great job of taking care of me though, I am super lucky.” Dean said, tugging Cas down to him and giving him a kiss. 

 

Jo was pleased to see that John had come to see Dean. She was also pleased that he seemed to be content to watch Cas and Dean interact and keep whatever thoughts he might have to himself. Jo could tell though, that he was regretting his rash words. He was definitely on board now, Jo knew the man well. He was a good man, despite what Cas may believe. Although if Cas did believe that he wasn’t, Jo wasn’t sure that he was wrong about it. John hadn’t exactly proven to him otherwise. Although he seemed to be willing to make up for what he’d done. That was what proved to Jo that he was a good person. 

 

It was something that she actually wanted that he might become her stepfather. He had been with her mother for two years. That was the longest John had been with someone since Mary. Jo was glad that it was his mother that had gotten him to settle down again. Of course, just dating wasn’t at all a commitment like a marriage was, but they knew it was a big step for John. Sam had told her that the entire time he was growing up, John hadn’t dated anyone with any kind of permanence. It was amazing to her that Sam was so well adjusted. She credited it to Dean, who had been the one to raise Sam for the most part. Dean had had to grow up much faster than other kids had. John’s friend Bobby Singer had taken care of the boys till Dean was 12, and then he’d taken over taking care of Sam after school. 

 

Thinking of Bobby, she turned to John. “John, where’s Bobby? I know it’s been awhile since we saw him, but he would want to know that Dean’s here.” Dallas was a big place, and Bobby still lived there, but they hadn’t really ran into him lately. Bobby’s wife had died in the last few years, and he’d taken to being a bit of a monk and a homebody. Didn’t leave his place much. 

 

When she asked him, John turned to look at Jo. “Actually, I called him this morning when I got here. He’s coming some time today. He said Ellen actually called him last night, but he wasn’t awake when she called.” John was honestly worried about Bobby. They hadn’t heard from him in two years, and John wasn’t sure that their letting Bobby have his space had been a good idea. The man didn’t lean on anyone anymore, and that wasn’t doing him any good. 

 

“He’s definitely not doing so well. I don’t know what to do to help him. Because while I know what he’s going through, I can’t tell him how to deal with it. Everyone deals with it differently. It’s just something that he has to figure out for himself. I don’t know what to do. But I figure we have to figure out something, because Bobby isn’t the type to ask for help with something like that. He’s really old school.” 

 

Dean was glad to hear that Bobby was coming. He didn’t know when it had been the last time he’d spoken to Bobby. He’d lost count of the days. Dean loved Bobby fiercely. He had been there for Dean and Sam when they were growing up. He was like a second father to them. Dean didn’t know what he’d do without him. Whenever Dean had needed someone to rail about John and his choices, he’d had Bobby. Dean wouldn’t be who he was without him. He would forever be grateful to Bobby for being in his life. There was nothing that he would be able to do that would make it up to him.

 

“You’ve got a point, Dad. I’ve been worried about Bobby. I think us giving him space was the wrong idea. He’s just been doing the wrong thing for two years.” Dean felt very guilty, if the roles were reversed, Bobby would have been on him like white on milk. He wished that he could turn back time and fix it. Dean brushed his hand over his hair and reached for a spoon to take a bite of cottage cheese. He liked it, but he definitely would like to go without it. He was touched that Cas was trying to take care of him. Dean loved him just for that. It was just amazing how much Cas was willing to do for him. 

 

Dean looked at Cas, who was fussing with his blankets. “Hey, Cas. Will you marry me?”

 

As soon as he asked the question, everyone in the room stopped and looked at him. Including Cas. Cas looked at him, his heart pounding out of his chest. He knew how crazy it was to say yes. Cas had never been the crazy impulsive type, but he knew that they were meant to be together. He could tell by the way that he was so in love with Dean after two weeks together. He had never been more crazy in love than he was right now. It felt like he was where he was meant to be. He licked his lips. “Yes.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

 

Dean’s eyes brushed with tears. “Really?” He asked, and Cas nodded, and Dean grabbed him, tugging him down and kissing him. Jo and John shared looks, and Cas could feel his heart swelling in his chest. He pulled back to look at Dean. “Are you serious? You really want to marry me?” Dean asked, and Cas nodded. He leaned forward and kissed Dean again, being careful not to bump the LVAD wires. He couldn’t believe that this was happening. He was so in love with Dean. Dean broke the kiss and looked up at Cas.

 

“I want to do it today.”

 

That gave Cas pause. He couldn’t imagine waiting, he knew that Dean was feeling right about that, because he wanted to do it immediately too. It was both of their first wedding, and Cas wanted to do it right. However, just because they did a small ceremony here with someone officiating didn’t mean that they couldn’t do it right when Dean was feeling better. Cas looked down into his eyes. Those green eyes were going to be his Kryptonite. “Are you sure, Dean? I am sure it can be done, but I don’t want you to be doing this because you think that you’re going to….” He couldn’t even get the words out. Dean wasn’t going to die. He wasn’t. Cas wasn’t even letting himself think that. 

 

Dean looked into Cas’ blue eyes. He loved Cas so much. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He didn’t know how he was going to get by without him. He was glad that he didn’t have to. “I am sure, Cas, I love you, and I want to be with you forever. You and I are forever, and I know that we are. Sam is already ordained, he helped some friends of his get married in college. I know he’ll do it if I ask him. We will be happy together, Cas. We can do it up right when all of this is settled and I have a new heart. But in the meantime, I can’t stand to not be married to you. I want to be your husband. I have never wanted to marry anyone more than I want to marry you.” It was true, he had wanted to marry Lisa at one point, but it had been very ill advised to be with her, and he was glad in the end that they broke up. 

 

“You are my life now, Cas.”

 

When Dean said those words to him, Cas could feel his heart swell so much that he could barely focus on anything else in the room. He forgot all about his breakfast as he looked back into the eyes of the man that he loved. Cas couldn’t keep the tears out of his eyes. “I definitely want to be with you forever, and if you want to do it today, then we’ll do it today. You’re right, we can do a real wedding when you’re out of the woods.” Cas didn’t know what he’d done to get this lucky. When Dean had walked into Harvelle’s that night, Cas hadn’t seen this as what would happen. 

 

“You’re my life, too, Dean.” Cas said, wishing he could take him in his arms and kiss him like he’d never been kissed before. But with Dean’s family in the room, that wasn’t exactly possible. Cas wished he could so much. “I am proud to be with you.” Cas wiped his eyes. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He was so happy he could burst. “I love you so much.” He told him, cupping Dean’s jaw. “Call Sam right now, and Ellen. They should be here.” Cas said, and Dean nodded. “I’ll go find a bible. I know that people use it to condemn gay weddings, but I promised my mother that if I ever got married, I would use it to get married to my husband.” It had been very important to his mother. 

 

Dean wasn’t a God person, but he would do whatever Cas wanted. “Whatever you want, baby. I’ll call Sammy.” He said. He reached for his phone, and cycled through till he got Sam. He didn’t hear what Cas and Jo were going on about, but it sounded like they were both happy. Sam answered on the fourth ring with a hello, and Dean said, “Sam, I need you to come to the hospital and marry me and Cas.” Dean wanted to marry Cas immediately. He didn’t want to waste any more time, he knew that it was Cas for the rest of his life. 

 

“Please Sammy, I need you to do this. I can’t….” Dean didn’t want to say that he didn’t want to die without having married Cas, but he didn’t want to say that out loud. He didn’t want Cas to worry. Dean wasn’t worried, but he knew that it was a possibility. Dean didn’t want to deal with that if he didn’t have to. Dean just wanted to marry Cas. Focus on the good right now. “I just, I need to marry him, Sam.” 

 

It didn’t surprise Sam at all that Dean was asking for this. Sam was surprised that it was this soon though. At least, today. Sam was quiet as he mulled over this. “Are you sure you want it to be today, Dean? I am not doubting that you want to do it, but I just wonder if you’re not just doing this because you’re afraid of dying.” Sam didn’t think that they should beat around the bush, it’s not as if Dean didn’t know that was a possibility. “I don’t want you to regret doing this in a few months, Dean. You and Cas barely know each other. I know that you’ve thought about that. I’m not denying that you love each other. That is obvious to anyone who spends time with you for longer than five seconds.”

 

Sam was still worried that this was going to be the wrong decision. But he knew that he would do it. If this was what Dean wanted, Sam would do it. “But if this is what you want, then I’ll do it.” Sam said, he was getting ready to go to the hospital as it was. He’d gotten the note that Jo had left for him, telling him where she’d gone. Sam was sure that Dean was happy. That wasn’t what he was concerned about. “Is there someone there to be a witness? I can go and get the license before I get to the hospital, thankfully. You really know how to do something spontaneously.” He said, shaking his head a bit and laughing. 

 

“It means so much to me that you’re willing to do this, Sammy.” Dean said, he was so glad that it was going to happen. Dean looked over at Cas and mouthed that it was going to happen, and he was rewarded with Cas’ big smile. Dean could hardly believe that this was going to happen. It was starting to feel real. “Of course I have witnesses. Dad’s here, and Jo, and Bobby and Ellen are going to be coming too.” Dean said. He was glad that Bobby was going to be here. He felt bad though, no one was going to be here for Cas. Who did Cas have to lean on? He had no one right now. Dean thought he might have friends, but he’d never mentioned any of them. 

 

Dean went over the details of the whole thing with his brother, watching Cas interact with Jo and John. Cas was over the moon, and that was the important thing. Dean was glad that Cas was happy. When he hung up, he cycled through till he found Bobby’s number. He decided to call him, see if he was still coming by the hospital. Dean was worried about him quite a bit. It was remiss of them to never have checked in in the past couple of years. He hit the button to call him, hoping that Bobby would at least answer, but honestly, he most likely would, Bobby was old school, just like John. They both didn’t think about the concept of caller id and answered any ringing telephone. 

 

When Bobby answered the phone, he wasn’t thinking. He’d gotten the call about Dean about an hour or so ago, and he’d been mustering up the courage to go. Bobby had been staying away the past couple of years because he didn’t know how to act around anyone. Bobby had lost his wife, and he had lost his buffer. Bobby could be hard to get along with, and it just got worse after his wife passed away. Bobby said, “Bobby Singer, who the fuck is this?” It was just a habit, and it was one that he needed to break himself of. 

 

“Bobby?” Bobby heard, and he was taken back a few years. It was Dean. Bobby hadn’t heard from him in awhile. He adjusted his ever present ball cap. “Hey, Dean.” He said cautiously. He didn’t know what was going to happen. He knew how serious the situation was, John had been sure to tell him the truth over the phone. He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want to even think about the possibility that Dean wasn’t going to be there. Bobby had raised Dean, or rather, had helped John raise him. He knew that John had wanted to be there for Dean more than he had when he was growing up. Bobby understood why John had had to be away so often. He had been glad to be there for Sam and Dean. 

 

“I’m planning on coming over to the hospital today.” Bobby promised. 

 

“I know you are.” Dean said, sounding as if he knew exactly how Bobby felt. “I need to tell you some news, Bobby.” He didn’t know how to tell him. It was hard, when he wasn’t sure that Bobby was going to accept it. He let out a breath. “I know it’s been a long time since we talked. Well, I’m getting married today. To a man named Castiel Novak.” Dean said this slowly, wanting it to really sink in. Dean couldn’t handle it if Bobby was going to be out of his life. However, he wasn’t going to let it stop him from being with Cas. Nothing was going to stop him from being with Cas. Nothing. “I was hoping that you’d be here when it happens. Sam’s ordained, and he’s going to bring the marriage license with him when he comes to the hospital.”

 

That was… what? Bobby had to sit there and absorb that for a moment. He hadn’t expected that at all. “You’re… marrying a man?” He asked, he had known that gay marriage had been legalized, but he was sure that Texas was one of the states trying to get it overturned. He didn’t know why this was happening, but he wasn’t going to let it get in the way of being in Dean’s life. If Dean was marrying a man, so be it. As long as he was happy. Bobby didn’t know what to say, but he knew that he would find the words.

 

“You’re marrying a man… okay. I will be there. Whatever you want that makes you happy, Dean, I want for you.” Bobby knew that Dean might not have long. He had to stay hanging in there until he could get a new heart. That might not be possible. Bobby didn’t know what he was going to do if something happened to Dean. He loved Dean like he was his own. Bobby licked his lips. “What time is this going down? So I can be there. I want to be there for you, Dean.” Bobby didn’t even hesitate. He had helped raise these boys, and he was going to be there if Dean was finally getting married. 

 

The relief in Dean’s voice was evident. “I’m so glad, Bobby. I didn’t want to get married without you here.” It was something that he would have done, but he wouldn’t have been happy about it. Dean said, “We’re fixing to do it as soon as possible, I just talked to Sam and he was on his way to getting ready to leave. I have to call Ellen and let her know.” Dean said, he wondered if the next wedding they’d be going to was John and Ellen’s or Jo and Sam’s. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping for. He knew they made an unorthodox family, but they were still a family. 

 

“So just get here as soon as you can. I don’t know for sure when this is all going down. But I want to get it done as soon as possible.” He didn’t want to wait any longer than he had to. It was just what he wanted. Dean knew that this sense of urgency was coming from a desire to do it while he had the chance, and that wasn’t something that he wanted to examine too hard. He sighed, trying to decide whether he wanted to say that out loud to Bobby. He had always been able to talk to Bobby about anything. He knew that John and Jo and Cas were still in the room though, and he knew that it would sound weird if he asked for privacy. He didn’t want to do anything that was going to make him seem weird. 

 

“I just hope that you’ll get here in time, Bobby. You helped raise me and you’re family. I don’t want to get married without you here.”

 

“I’ll be there, Dean. I promise.” Bobby said, and they hung up. Bobby was still in shock from hearing that, but he supposed that he ought to get ready. He even thought he had a suit somewhere, although if he knew Dean that wouldn’t matter. He let the information absorb, and then went up to get dressed. 

 

A couple of hours later, and everyone had converged in Dean’s hospital room. Sam had gotten the marriage license, and they’d all signed it. He’d gotten a notary, too, so it was all nice and legal. Sam was starting the ceremony, and they’d gotten through the first part, and now it came to the vows. Dean and Cas wanted to do their own vows. Dean was holding Cas’ hand, Cas was sitting on the bed with him. Dean was looking into Cas’ eyes. He didn’t know what to say, there weren’t enough words to say that meant that he loved him. “Cas, I am always going to be with you. This may be faster than everyone else moves, but we know what we want. We know that this is forever. I am going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you. We will be together for a very long time, Cas. For the rest of our lives. You’re going to be the happiest husband in the entire country. I promise you that.”

 

The tears gathered in Cas’ eyes. He loved the vows that Dean had said, but a part of him was worried that it wouldn’t be as long as Dean wanted it to be. He told himself that that wasn’t going to be true, and he let out a breath. He kept his eyes on Dean’s green ones. “I love you, Dean. I haven’t ever been this happy.” Cas said, he still couldn’t believe that this was happening. It was the best day of his life. Cas “I am going to spend the rest of my life showing you how happy you make me. I want you to be as happy as I am. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I just want you to know that. Sometimes you just know when it’s right. No matter how long you’ve been with someone.” 

 

They did the rings, and then Sam pronounced them husbands, and they kissed eagerly, Dean cupping the back of Cas’ head, his fingers moving softly in the hair at the nape of his neck. Dean felt so happy right now he could burst. The rings they’d exchanged had been Dean’s grandfather’s ring, (John’s dad) and Mary’s dad’s ring. They had wanted to get their own rings, but they knew that they didn’t have the time for that. These would do, and Dean was thinking that maybe it could be permanent. He liked the idea of wearing Henry Winchester’s ring. Dean had never thought that he’d be wearing it, but he liked the look of it on his finger. 

 

The hospital had let them order pizza for a wedding dinner, as long as Dean only had a couple of slices, and they had to be cheese topping and that’s it. Dean was bummed about that, but it was better than nothing. He was looking around the room, Sam and Jo were talking with Bobby, Ellen was sitting on John’s lap on the couch, which had been folded back up before everyone else had gotten there. It wasn’t a big family, and Dean wished that Cas’ family had been able to come, but it was what was his family. He loved that they had all been there. Dean was holding Cas’ hand, who was sitting on the bed with him. Dean played with Cas’ fingers. 

 

“This is it, Cas. This is our life.” Dean said, looking around the room. “It may not be what everyone else has, but it’s ours.” He was so happy right now. He knew he had to be careful, keep his heart rate down. The LVAD was still ever present, and he knew that he was going to have to remember constantly while it was in to be good. It was hard, he wasn’t so good at that. Being bad was his bag. At least, doing things that were bad for him. With Cas, he didn’t want to do that anymore. He wanted to do the right thing, for Cas. 

 

“We’re married, Cas. This is it, forever.”

 

Cas reached up with his free hand, cupping Dean’s jaw. “I know we are. Nothing is going to keep us apart, Dean. Nothing.” They hadn’t discussed last names, but Cas was debating hyphenating. He wanted to be a Winchester in name too. He looked around the room. This was his family now. He had a family. Cas had never thought that that would happen again. It had though. And he was going to do whatever he had to do to keep it. 

 

_**Author’s note: Well, we’ve reached the end of another chapter. I bet you didn’t see them getting married coming, did ya? XD. I cannot promise that it will be as fluffy going forward. But like I said, Destiel is going to be rock solid. I decided Jo was pregnant! I also can’t decide whether I want John/Ellen to be endgame or Bobby/Ellen. If you want to cast a vote, go ahead! I will take it into consideration. I hope you enjoyed! Not sure when the next update will be, but I imagine it’s going to be soon, this fic keeps coming out of me very quickly.** _


	5. In Your Love I Wanna Be Baptized

Chapter Five: In Your Love I Wanna Be Baptized

 

_It’s safe to say I’m lost_  
Without you in my arms  
So I call your name and I pray you might  
Come and watch over me like the pale moonlight  
Until the sun comes back around 

_Take me down, take me down by the water, water_  
Pull me in till I see the light  
Let me drown, let me drown in your honey, honey  
In your love I wanna be baptized  
Take me down, take me down by the water, water  
I wanna be baptized 

_And the days and nights are cold_  
Without your body to hold  
So I close my eyes hoping you’ll appear  
Cause it feels like grace everytime you’re near, yeah  
Don’t leave, until the sun comes back around 

 

A few days later, and Dean was allowed to go home. He was off the LVAD, but he had to keep still and calm, and not get stressed out. He was doing his best. Dean was getting packed up and ready to go, Cas was off signing his release papers. Jo was there to help get him home. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do when he got home, but he was hoping that he and Cas would get some time alone. His family had been there just about every day at the hospital, and he wasn’t sure that he’d seen Cas alone in awhile. Dean was longing to be alone with him. They had so much to talk about. Dean wished they could consummate their marriage, but he still wasn’t supposed to get too excited about anything. 

 

He cast his glance at Jo, who was packing up the few things he’d accumulated into a bag. It was a plan duffel bag, Dean didn’t do the thrills thing. It was just that simple. Dean was practicing breathing off the LVAD, and so far, it was okay. He knew that it was still really dangerous, but he was starting to think that he might actually make it through this. Dean wanted to ask what Sam had said when she’d told him about the baby. He knew she had, Sam had been acting strangely the past couple of days. Dean knew him well enough to know it was because she’d told him that she was pregnant.

 

“Jo? Can I ask you something?” He asked. 

 

That caused Jo to freeze in packing away some of Dean and Cas’ clothes. She knew what he was going to ask. She made sure to keep her voice as calm as possible when she replied. “You can ask me anything, Dean, you know that.” Jo braced herself, she knew it was going to be about Sam’s reaction to the baby news. She didn’t know what she was going to say, Sam wanted them to keep the news to themselves for awhile, and she also knew that Sam didn’t know she’d told Dean. 

 

“Although I know what you’re going to ask.” She said, finally turning her gaze to him.

 

Dean sat up in bed, he couldn’t wait till the breathing tube was taken out. They’d made him have it in, if it was his choice, he’d have gone without it. He watched her as she folded clothes. “I am just curious about what Sammy said about the baby.” He said, and he wondered if she would tell him the truth. “Although I know that because he didn’t tell the rest of us, he wants you to keep it to yourselves for awhile.” Dean said, still keeping his gaze on her. She was quiet, not just right now, but usually all the time. She was one of those observers. 

 

It was honestly so Sammy to him. Dean brushed his hand over his unshaven cheek. It had been a few days, he was already starting to get a beard. Dean didn’t mind, and he wondered what Cas would say. They hadn’t discussed whether or not Cas thought facial hair was hot. Dean was of the mind that a few days stubble was okay but otherwise he wasn’t so sure it was sexy. Whatever Cas wanted though was fine with him. Dean hadn’t ever been with a man before, so he only had a woman’s perspective on stubble or not. 

 

“He does, want to keep it to us for awhile.” Jo replied, finishing with the clothes and reaching for Cas’ laptop. Jo shrugged. “If that’s what Sam wants, it’s okay with me. I’ve….” She was about to tell Dean something that she’d never told anyone before, including Sam. “Dean…. When…. When I was in high school…. I had a miscarriage.” Jo managed to say, and her voice was shaking a little, but she managed to say it. It had been a long time since she’d been able to say it out loud, so that was progress for her. Jo didn’t know what she was going to say if Dean asked her questions about it. 

 

“Sam doesn’t know, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell him.” Jo said, keeping her voice low. She knew Cas was going to come back at any minute. He’d been gone for awhile, so she knew that the papers were most likely filled out, and he had had some questions for Dean’s doctor, but those couldn’t be taking too long. She didn’t want Cas to know this either. Jo trusted Dean, and she knew that he would keep her secret. “The doctor said…. The doctor said that whenever I got pregnant after that, it was going to be dangerous.” 

 

Jo looked down at her hands then rather than look Dean in the eye. It was too much.

 

That was the last thing that Dean had expected to hear. He also knew what Jo expected him to do. He kept his gaze on her, watching her stare down at her hands. “Look, Jo, you don’t have to tell Sam if you don’t want to, at least, about the baby you lost…. But you should tell him that the pregnancy is going to be difficult. He deserves to know. I know that it’s gonna be hard, but you have to tell him.” Dean didn’t even know how to contemplate that conversation, it was going to be hard, one of the hardest talks that Jo would ever have in her life, most likely. Didn’t make it any easier to hear that it was going to be hard, either. 

 

Dean was going to say more when Cas came back in, carrying some papers. Dean looked up at his husband. “What’s those, babe?” He asked, as Cas came to a stop by Dean’s bed. Dean wondered if he was all done and they could go. He so wanted to get out of here. It was the worst place. The hospital was not a place that Dean considered home, no matter how many times he ended up here. He didn’t ever want to see this place again, and he knew that he was going to no matter how much he might not want to. He was tired of fighting. He knew that he had to, there were others that would be affected, not just him. But he wanted to give up. More than he had ever wanted anything. It seemed like an uphill battle. His fingers stroked his wedding band.

 

Cas could tell that there had been something going on here, but he didn’t know what it was. He didn’t want to ask, in case it was something that Jo and Dean didn’t want to discuss while he was here. “They’re just some papers on your treatment while we wait for a heart.” Cas said, as Jo finished up with the packing. He looked at her. “Are we ready to go then?” He asked, wondering if Dean was okay. He could tell that something had gone on, but he didn’t know if it was Dean or Jo that was the one that was suffering. 

 

“All set.” Jo said, meeting Dean’s eyes. The man gave her a slight nod. Jo let out a sigh of relief, although not out loud. She did her best to keep it quiet so that Cas wouldn’t hear. Jo lifted the canvas bag, all their items were inside, and she’d already double checked that they had it all. Jo didn’t know what was going to happen when she told Sam the truth, but she knew Dean was right. She had to tell him that the pregnancy was going to be difficult. She wanted to be straight with him. She didn’t want to lie. It wasn’t what their thing was. They were always honest with each other. 

 

“What did the doctor say?” She asked. 

 

While Cas laid out what the doctor had said for Jo, Dean lay in the bed, watching them curiously. He didn’t know what was going to happen with Sam, but he really hoped that Jo would keep him clued in. Jo was family, and she had been for awhile now. Dean watched as a nurse came to help him into a wheelchair. Dean hated to feel helpless, and he knew that this was hospital policy. He didn’t even try to fight it, he just moved with the help of the nurse and Cas into the wheelchair. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and an old Columbia tee shirt. It was where Cas had gone to college. 

 

Dean reached up and took Cas’ hand. “If it’s okay with you, I want to go to their place. Sam invited us to dinner to celebrate me getting out of the hospital.” Dean didn’t know what they were having, but he was sure it was something healthy. Dean was just going to have to get used to that. He didn’t want to, but he knew that sometimes you had to do things you didn’t want to do. Dean was not a healthy eater. That was Sam. Sam loved salads. Dean’s favorite meal was a hamburger and fries. Better if it was a cheeseburger, or better yet, a bacon cheeseburger.

 

Castiel gave him a smile. “I know, I told them that we’d come.” He said, he knew that Dean would want to go, so he hadn’t asked him if it was okay. Dean was one who was easy to figure out, at least, from Cas’ perspective. He didn’t think that Dean was such a complicated person, although Cas knew that some people might think so because he didn’t lay out all of his feelings on the line. Cas brushed his hand through his black hair and let go of Dean’s hand reluctantly, he wanted to be the one to push him. Cas settled his hands on the handles of the chair and they left the room. 

 

By the time they left the hospital, Dean was asleep. He’d had his meds before they left, and they tended to put him to sleep. Cas followed Jo to her and Sam’s house, and Cas hated to wake Dean when they got there. “Dean? We’re at your brother’s.” Cas said, touching Dean’s shoulder gently. He knew that Dean was tired of being sick, and he wished that he could do something about it. Cas knew that Dean was going to make it through this. This was more than he could handle if that wasn’t true. 

 

Dean let Cas help him out of the car, and they headed inside. Much slower than Dean would normally have moved, but he didn’t mind. It’s not like he could change it. Dean went inside with Cas, holding his arm the entire time. Dean didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but he knew that he was going to have a lot of fun being out of the hospital. Dean settled into an armchair in the living room, Jo was helping Sam put the hor d'oeuvres on the table. It was finger sandwiches and cheese and crackers. Dean wasn’t a fancy eater, and they knew it. 

 

Reaching for a finger sandwich, which appeared to be tuna salad, he watched as Cas gave Sam a hug and then sat on the arm of Dean’s chair. Dean ate the sandwich in one bite and watched as Sam sat with Jo on the sofa. “What smells so good?” Dean asked, accepting a glass of sparkling grape juice. He was going to miss beer. He wanted to have some, but he knew that he had to watch it on the alcohol right now. Dean was determined to do what he was supposed to do, because he had Cas now. He wanted to be there for Cas. They were married and they were going to have a life together. 

 

Sam replied, “I fixed coq au vin. You can have that. It’s chicken and rice.” Sam knew that Dean wasn’t going to eat healthy without a fight, but Sam was going to work on him eating healthy. “We also have salad and strawberries and whipped cream for dessert. I know it’s not pie, but you like strawberries.” It was true, one of Dean’s favorite pies was strawberry rhubarb. Sam wanted him to see that you could still have some semblance of life as you knew it even when you had to eat healthy. 

 

He wrapped an arm around Jo’s shoulders. He loved her. Sam wanted to tell Dean about the baby. He really did. He just wanted to sit with the idea for awhile before he told anyone. It was a big thing, having a baby. Sam sighed and looked at Cas. “So, are you two going to live together at Dean’s or your place? I’ve got to admit, that your place is a lot better and a lot cleaner than Dean’s place tends to be.” Sam said, as Jo nodded. Sam was sure that Dean was going to complain, but honestly, he had to agree. It was just the truth. Sam didn’t know what he was going to do about the baby. He couldn’t take his mind off it for longer than 30 seconds. Sam had never thought that he would be a father. Now that it was happening, it was really freaking him out.

 

“We’re going to move into my place, Dean’s going to rent out his place till his lease is up.” Cas said, reaching for the glass of sparkling grape juice that Jo handed him. She was even quieter than usual, and Cas wondered what that was about. Cas didn’t want to ask her in front of the brothers though, he knew that she would act like everything was fine. Cas brushed his hand across his chin. He didn’t know what he was going to do about the stairs at his place, Dean was going to have problems with stairs for awhile. Cas didn’t want him to have to worry about anything till he got a new heart. 

 

Cas reached down and took Dean’s hand, holding it tightly. “I don’t know that I want to make Dean climb stairs though, so I am thinking that our bedroom will temporarily be in the study downstairs I think.” There wasn’t much room for the bed, but Cas could move things around. “Actually, Sam, I was hoping that you would help me get things settled at my place. I hired movers to move Dean’s things, and we’re going to sell what we don’t need. It actually wasn’t so bad, we talked about what we were keeping and what we weren’t.” 

 

Sam honestly was surprised, Cas was a good influence on Dean. Sam brushed his free hand through his long brown hair. Dean had been trying to get him to cut it for years. Sam didn’t know what to do. He really didn’t. It was going to be so scary, having a baby in the house. Sam knew that Ellen and John were going to be very happy though. It was their first grandchild. Before Sam could comment on that, there was the doorbell. Sam shared a look with Jo. They weren’t expecting anyone. 

 

He went to the door, and opened it. It was someone he hadn’t seen in years. It was Charlie Tucker, one of Dean’s old girlfriends. She was holding a toddler. She was looking at Sam with bright blue eyes. Charlie was short, only about 5’4, without her heels. Sam looked at her in surprise. “Um, hey, Charlie.” He said, it was short for Charlotte. Sam wondered why she was here, and with a toddler in tow. She had her mother’s blue eyes and brown hair, but something about her reminded Sam of Dean. 

 

Charlie looked up at Sam. She was holding her daughter Frankie and a small bag with toys. “I went by John’s and he said that Dean was here. I need to talk to him, Sam.” Charlie said. She tucked some of her brown hair behind her ear, with one of her hands. Charlie didn’t know what she was going to say to Dean, but the child she was holding was his. She hadn’t told him because she wasn’t sure that Dean was a kids guy. Plus, she hadn’t wanted anything from him at the time. Charlie had been hurt by Dean and had wanted to get back at him. 

 

“I know he’s here. I also know that he’s sick, and honestly, I don’t want to upset him. But there’s something that he needs to know.” Charlie said, bouncing Frankie on her hip. Frankie kept her eyes on Sam, and Charlie wondered if Frankie was wondering if that was the man who was her father. Charlie hadn’t ever really told her much. She hadn’t wanted to lie to Frankie if she didn’t have to. Charlie didn’t want to make her hate her father, either. Not that Charlie hated him, but she didn’t exactly think he was a good person. 

 

Sam’s eyes widened. He had gone to Stanford. He wasn’t a stupid person. “Is that his child. Charlie? What the fuck? How old is she, three?” He asked, he hardly could believe it. He didn’t want to tell her that was unfair of her, but it was on the tip of his tongue. Sam couldn’t believe that she would do that to Dean. It was the worst thing that one of Dean’s exes had ever done to him. Sam couldn’t believe that Dean had had a child out there in the world that he didn’t know about. 

 

“You promised Dean that you weren’t one of those girls, Charlie. You told him you’d never do that to him.”

 

Charlie knew they couldn’t have this conversation with Frankie in the hearing vicinity. “Is Jo inside?” She asked him, and when Sam nodded, Charlie said, “Frankie, come with Mommy a moment.” She glared at Sam till he’d stepped aside, and Charlie went into the living room. Jo was there, and so was Dean and someone that Charlie only vaguely recognized. She looked to Jo. “Jo, hi, it’s Charlie, you remember me?” When Jo gave her a nod, she set Frankie down next to the couch. 

 

“This is my daughter Frankie. Sam and I need to have a discussion, and I need you to keep an eye on her for a few minutes while we do that.” She said, and leaned down to look Frankle in the eyes. “Mommy is going to talk with Sam, okay? This is Jo, she’s Sam’s girlfriend. She’s very nice, and Mommy trusts her.” She said, and stood again, ignoring Dean and the man who seemed to be his partner….. They were both wearing rings, and what the fuck? They were holding hands…. Charlie was a bit taken back but the talk with Sam was more important than finding out the answer to that mystery right now. 

 

She went back to the entrance way, Sam was waiting for her with his arms folded tightly. Charlie took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. “Sam, I know what I said, okay? I know that. I know that what I did is horrible. But…” Charlie took a deep breath, this was going to be hard for her to say. “I’m dying, Sam. I have a brain tumor. It’s…. It’s inoperable. I have to go to this place in Switzerland for treatment, and they’ve told me that I most likely am not going to leave the place alive.” Charlie wasn’t able to get this out without tears filling her eyes. She didn’t know how else to put it. It was what was true. 

 

It was a wonder that she was going to be able to pay for it, apparently she’d had a rich uncle who’d died, and left her so much money that it wasn’t polite to talk about it in conversation. Charlie had put most of it in a trust for Frankie when she turned 18. Charlie didn’t want her to have to worry when she got to be an adult, she had papers that Dean had to sign promising he wouldn’t tell her about it until she was an adult so that she would still go through school and all of that. It may be wrong, but it was what she wanted to do. She wanted Frankie to be a person and not a trust fund kid. That was all things she wanted to tell Dean, not Sam. 

 

Sam looked at her, his eyes widening. It was still hard to believe that she had done this to Dean, and a part of him wasn’t sure that he could avoid yelling at her, even though it would be a crap time to do so. Sam didn’t want her to die, and it was obvious from her expression that that was a real possibility. “Charlie, I don’t know what Dad told you…. But Dean could die too. He has to have a new heart. What are you going to do with Frankie if he dies too?” It was the first time that Sam had said it out loud, and it felt wrong. Even if he knew that it was true. 

 

“Do you know Dean is married now? That man in there with him, that’s his husband. What are you going to do if Dean dies? You are essentially giving up your child to Dean. Is Cas going to have her taken away if something happens to Dean?” Sam was honestly worried that she hadn’t thought about that. Dean wasn’t going to like this as it was, he was really going to like it even less if Cas wasn’t going to get to keep Frankie if something happened to Dean. Sam was going to be their champion if he had to be. Dean wasn’t going to be a single parent in this, Cas was going to be Frankie’s stepfather. 

 

Honestly, that didn’t surprise Charlie, she had seen how close that Dean was sitting with the other man. She had seen the rings. “Sam, don’t turn this into some anti gay thing, okay? I hadn’t planned on Dean having a wife, let alone a husband. But I’m not going to let Frankie be taken away from Cas, if that’s what Dean wants.” Now that she had heard the man’s name, she remembered him from Harvelle’s. “Castiel Novak, right? I haven’t ever really talked to him, but I remember him from Harvelle’s. I always thought he seemed like a nice man. This isn’t some anti gay thing, okay, Sam?” 

 

She didn’t know that she blamed him for thinking so, Texas wasn’t exactly friendly to gays. Charlie hadn’t been raised here though. She’d moved here after college. She’d had some money to start a restaurant, which is what she’d always wanted. It just hadn’t worked out for her. Charlie didn’t even want to think about that failure. She folded her arms. “This is just, I want Frankie to have someone in her life. I was wrong to keep her from Dean all this time. You can hate me for that if you want. I can’t stop you. I’m not trying to. I just want Frankie to have someone when….” She stopped, it was obvious what she meant. 

 

They were stopped by Dean then, who had come out into the foyer with them. Dean looked at Charlie. He folded his arms. “Charlie, are you here because that girl in there is my daughter?” He asked, he may not have gone to college, but he wasn’t a stupid man. “Because you promised that you weren’t going to be that kind of girl. We talked about how I’ve had girls try and trap me before, and you promised that if you got pregnant, you’d tell me. That little girl is three years old.” Dean said, he and Charlie hadn’t been some great love, at least, he hadn’t thought so, but they had had fun together. Dean hadn’t thought they were forever, and he was pretty sure that Charlie hadn’t thought so either. 

 

“You did exactly what you said you weren’t going to do, Charlie. Did you even give her my name? Did you tell her that she had a father out there who would have wanted to be in her life? She’s three, Charlie. I missed three years of her life. I didn’t get to see her first step, her first baby tooth come in….. None of it. I can’t get that time back. I don’t want to sue you for custody, but I could. This isn’t right, Charlie. It’s not. And you know it.” Dean didn’t know how she could have done this. He knew that she wasn’t a bad person, at least, the Charlie he knew hadn’t been one. 

 

“You don’t have to sue me for custody, Dean. I’m dying, okay? I came here to give you Frankie. I have to leave for Switzerland in two days. I have some papers with me, I am signing away my parental rights. I wouldn't do that if I had a choice.” Charlie pulled some papers out of the bag she was carrying, and a set of keys. “I still live here in Dallas. Right downtown. I’m having my sister go by the apartment after I’m gone, she’ll bring by Frankie’s things. These papers have already been notarized, and I promise you, if by some miracle I live through this, no one is going to keep you from her, okay?” 

 

All of that was hard to say, and Charlie didn’t know how she managed to get it all out without tears. Charlie thought the more she said it, the more it would make it real. She met Dean’s green eyed gaze head on. He looked like he was going to start crying. At least she had made him feel guilty for yelling. Even if she did deserve it. And she knew that she did. Charlie handed him the papers. “I signed it already. You can have a lawyer look it over, but I assure you, it’s legal. I’m not going to try and steal her from you if I live through this. But Dean, this place in Switzerland…. They told me that I’m not going to leave it alive.” Charlie took a breath. “I have set up a trust for Frankie for when she turns eighteen. There’s papers there that I’ve also signed, and I need you to sign them. It just says that you won’t tell Frankie about the money till she’s 18. I don’t want her to take her life easy because she knows that she has all that money waiting for her when she’s an adult.”

 

Dean honestly agreed with her on that. He wanted the best for her, and that included her going to school and graduating. He wanted to add that they could change it for when she was 25, she’d already have graduated from college by then, if she chose to go, which Dean really hoped that when the time came she would, she would have something to fall back on. Dean didn’t want her to be a trust fund kid, and he knew that’s why Charlie had done this, she didn’t want that either. “Charlie… I’m sorry. I really am. I still think what you did was shitty… but I am sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t know that I agree that you aren’t going to make it…. But if this is what you want, I’ll go along with it.” 

 

He wanted to ask about Cas, and what would happen if he didn’t make it, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to open that can of worms. However, he knew that he had to. “I don’t know if Sam told you, but I’m married.” He held out his left hand, showing her the ring sitting on his ring finger. “To the man you saw with me in there.” Dean didn’t bring up how much Charlie had done to avoid looking at him. He wasn’t sure that that was a good idea to bring it up. Dean said, “I also don’t know if Sam told you… you know I have a heart problem. Well, it’s gotten worse. I am now on the list for a new heart. What if something happens to me? Is someone going to swoop in and try to take Frankie away from my husband?” 

 

Dean knew that Charlie wasn’t homophobic. Her own sister was bisexual, and last Dean knew, Lucy had been dating a woman. There wasn’t that much on Charlie’s side of the family. Her mother had left the family when Charlie was seven, and Lucy was 12. Charlie’s father had started to develop a drinking problem. He had died six months to Dean meeting Charlie. Dean didn’t know that he was going to not worry that someone would try and take Frankie from Cas. There was laughter coming from the living room, and Dean recognized one of them as being small and childlike. He knew that was Frankie. A small smile played on his lips. 

 

“I just want to be sure that Cas is seen as an equal parent.” 

 

Charlie watched as Sam left the room to go back into the living room, let them talk this out. Charlie was glad for that. She looked up at Dean. She set the bag of Frankie’s things on the table by the door. “I promise, no one is going to take Frankie from Castiel if something happens to you. Granted, Lucy still wants to be in her life, and she doesn’t want to accept what is going to happen, but she has promised to go with what I want. She actually said that if you were married, she would help your partner adopt Frankie so that if something happened they wouldn’t lose her. I know that it’s hard to accept, but nothing is going to happen like that.” 

 

It was hard to accept, she knew that. None of this was how these things went. “Just, sign the papers about the trust, and I will get out of your hair. I told Frankie that I have to go on a trip. I will keep you informed of what’s going on with me, and I have something in place that when…” She broke off a minute, and then when she was sure of her voice, she continued speaking. “When I… well, you know, someone will tell you. You can choose to tell Frankie whatever you want when that happens. She believes in God and heaven, thanks to my sister, so if you could tell her that I went to be with God, that would be best. However, I know that I can’t dictate that, so I’m not going to try.” 

 

Dean knew that there was no point in arguing with Charlie. She was her own person, and she didn’t like to be told she was wrong. He wasn’t going to fight her on this. It was all so mind blowing, but honestly, Dean had thought for years he might have a kid out there. He had always been safe, but shit happened and you just couldn’t plan for every little thing. He found the papers she was referring to, and signed them. He noticed that she had given Frankie his last name. That was something. 

 

After that was done, Charlie said goodbye to Frankie, managing to get through it without crying, and left. Before she left, she made Dean promise that he wouldn’t bring Frankie by the apartment in the two days before she left for treatment. She wanted this to be the last time she saw her daughter. Dean promised that he wouldn’t. Right now, he was staring at his family, they were helping Frankie into a seat at the table. It was time to eat, Jo had fixed her some mac and cheese, it was her favorite. Dean couldn’t believe it. That little girl in there was his. 

 

A part of him wanted to demand a DNA test, but he knew that Charlie was telling the truth. He hadn’t been with her longer than a year, but he knew when she was lying. Dean knew that she wasn’t doing this because she had another choice. Dean honestly was wondering if Cas was going to run. When they had gotten married, kids had been on the table, but not a reality. He honestly was scared to death that Cas was going to demand a divorce, and he’d be left to raise Frankie on his own. He didn’t want that. He wanted Cas there with him. 

 

Speaking of Cas, he was walking up to Dean. Dean gave him a soft smile. “So? Isn’t she gorgeous?” 

 

Cas knew what Dean was afraid of. He wanted to reassure him that he wasn’t going to leave him. “I’m not going to leave you, Dean. I know that you’re worried about that. I promise you, I’m not going anywhere. What’s yours is mine. We are married. That’s forever. I know that it’s scary, this whole thing…. But we’re together. I am not going anywhere.” Cas promised. He had already fallen in love with the little girl. She was so bright, and so funny. Frankie was a beautiful little girl. Cas didn’t know what they were going to do with a toddler, but they would figure it out. This was good news. 

 

“This is good news, Dean. I know that it doesn’t seem like it, because of the circumstances, but this little girl is yours. You have to be there for her. You can’t make up for the time that you lost, but you can get to know her now. She is so bright, and so funny. We’re going to be amazing at this.” Cas hadn’t even had to tell Frankie that she had two dads, she had guessed. “She asked me if I was her daddy too. She is very astute.” That honestly didn’t surprise Cas. Dean was that way, she was just taking after her father, even if she didn’t know him just yet. Cas thought she was going to be an amazing person. 

 

Dean’s eyes brushed with happy tears. He looked into his husband’s eyes. “I love you, I love you so much.” He said, and wrapped his arms around him, pressing his face tightly into Cas’ neck. He sniffed, he loved to smell Cas’ neck. He took another deep breath. He knew that they could do this. They loved each other. There were couples that had been together for ten years that weren’t as rock solid as they were. Dean didn’t know what he would do without Cas. “I don’t know what I would do without you. I really really don’t.” He said, into Cas’ neck. He pulled back and looked at him. 

 

“Come on, let’s go eat. We have our whole lives together.” And as Dean reached down to take his husband’s hand, he knew it was true. He was going to beat this. It was going to be alright.

 

_Take me down, take me down by the water, water_  
Pull me in till I see the light  
Let me drown, let me down in your honey, honey  
In your love I wanna be baptized  
Take me down, take me down by the water, water  
I wanna be baptized 

 

_**Author’s note: SO. That came out of nowhere. The characters of Charlie Tucker and Frankie Tucker are mine, although in this fic it’s Frankie Winchester. XD. I didn’t see that coming, and I’m not sure what will happen with Charlie. But, I wanted to see Dean with a kid, so TA DA. I promise again, Destiel is gonna be rock solid, no matter what happens. And I also promise that Dean WILL NOT DIE. No matter what I have to do, he won’t. Let me know your thoughts, and next chapter we’re going to meet Lucy, Charlie’s sister. Lucy’s pb is Jordana Brewster, and Charlie’s is Anna Kendrick, if you need faces to put to them. Anyway, that’s all for now, and REVIEW AWAY!** _


	6. I Won't Let Go

Chapter Six: I Won’t Let Go

 

Two weeks later, and they really felt like a family. Dean was fully moved into Cas’ place, and so was Frankie. Her aunt Lucy had helped get all of her things there, and they set her up in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Cas had converted the office downstairs into his and Dean’s bedroom for the moment, so Dean wouldn’t have to climb the stairs as often. Dean could not believe how happy he was. This was the first time in his life he had a real family. Dean was currently cooking something for dinner, Cas was working on the latest article he’d been working on for the newspaper, and Frankie was eagerly trying to help Dean in the kitchen. 

 

Dean was making pork chops and mashed potatoes, and at the moment he was letting Frankie mash the potatoes with the potato masher. She was having the time of her life. Dean was smiling as he watched her. She had taken to him and Cas quickly. Dean was surprised. But he was glad that he was getting along with his daughter so well. She called him Daddy and Cas Papa. They both had let her choose what to call them, they wanted her to be comfortable. Dean was marinating the pork chops in a brine that he made himself. He was brushing them with it, and he turned to look at Frankie. 

 

“How are those potatoes doing, sweetheart?” 

 

Frankie set her blue eyes on her father. “Good, Daddy.” She said, she was standing on a very tall stool, she was short like her mother. Although Dean thought she would grow. She was only three. Frankie looked at him. “Can I go tell Papa that I mashed the potatoes?” She asked, the pork chops were already cooked, it was time to eat. 

 

“You can, make sure to knock on the door before you go in.” Dean said, Cas worked out of their bedroom, since it had already been the office. Dean watched as she climbed carefully off the stool and took off running for the bedroom. Dean chuckled as he watched her. They hadn’t heard from Charlie lately, but Dean had called the place yesterday and asked after her and they said that she was hanging in there. But it didn’t sound good from what the nurse had said. Deah hadn’t decided what to tell Frankie about it when it happened. So far she hadn’t asked about her very often, but Dean just thought that was because of all the new in her life. 

 

Dean went to get the dishes out of the cupboard. He couldn’t believe how much his life had changed so quickly. It was surprising. Dean reached for some water out of the fridge and then some milk for Frankie. She liked chocolate and he just couldn’t tell her no. So far that had been Cas. Dean needed to learn how to say no more often. Kids needed structure and discipline. Dean didn’t want to turn out one of those participation trophy kids. He had raised Sam and Sam had turned out just fine. Dean didn’t want to have one of those bratty kids that people hated. 

 

As he was putting the food on the table, Cas came in carrying Frankie on his hip. Dean watched as Cas went to help her into her booster seat, and Dean was blown away by how much he loved him. They were so happy together. Dean couldn’t believe it most days. He leaned to kiss Cas as he finished setting Frankie in her seat. “I love you.” Dean said, this might not be what he had envisioned for his life, but it was what made him happy. Dean let Cas pull his chair out for him, since he knew that Cas liked to do that, and sat down. They all had a family dinner like this every night. Dean was a construction worker, but he wasn’t working right now due to his medical problems. Dean missed work, but he wasn’t complaining, Cas worked from home, and he got to see Cas and Frankie every day. 

 

Cas didn’t know when Dean had learned to cook, but he liked it. Cas was the one who cooked the most often, and now that Dean was learning how he didn’t have to be the one who cooked a lot. They could share in the work. Cas liked that a lot. He was reaching to cut Frankie’s meat for her. He had taken to being a father well. Cas had never thought that he would have kids, and he loved that Dean just considered Cas her father too. He didn’t stop Cas from being hands on with her. Cas loved that. Dean made her mind Cas just as much as he did himself. It felt amazing to be trusted like that. 

 

He turned to Dean. “This smells amazing, Dean.” He said, as he finished cutting up Frankie’s meat. She was happily stirring the gravy into her potatoes. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do when Charlie passed away. They didn’t know what to say to Frankie about it yet. Cas had decided though that he was going to tell Dean what Charlie had said to tell them was the best thing. Cas believed in God and heaven. He wasn’t one to say that Charlie was going or not, that was up to God. But Cas thought that that was going to be the best thing to say. It was going to reassure Frankie the most. When she was older they could tell her the specifics. 

 

“Thanks, babe.” Dean said, as he reached for some chocolate syrup for Frankie’s milk. She gave him a sunny smile. “Thanks, Daddy.” She said, and Dean gave Cas a sheepish smile when he gave him a look. “She likes it, she takes after me.” Dean said, laughing. He took a spoon to stir it up. Dean loved making Frankie happy. They didn’t let her have a lot of sweets after six, or she would be too hyper to sleep, but they didn’t limit her too much. She was a kid. Kids ran and played all day. Especially when they were too young for school. Dean was already looking into preschools for her though. She would be ready to go next year. Dean hadn’t found one he liked yet but he knew that he was just being picky. 

 

Cas gave her a smile. “Daddy knows just how to spoil our girl.” He said, making a face at her, causing her to laugh. She was totally enamored with Cas, she could spend hours playing with him. He didn’t know what he was going to do when she got to be a teenager and grew out of that. Cas didn’t want her to grow out of it. He wanted her to love him no matter what. Cas reached for the gravy to put on his own mashed potatoes. It was from a jar, that Dean had warmed up on the stove. Cas preferred to make it from scratch, but this was good. Frankie liked it, and that was the important part. 

 

He was quiet as he watched Dean interact with their daughter. He didn’t know what he had done to get so lucky. The only thing that would make it better would be if his brothers were talking to him. Cas definitely wanted them to meet Frankie. He missed them a lot. Cas wanted them to meet Dean. He wanted them to accept him for who he was. He didn’t like that they had cut him out of their lives. He wanted to know his nieces and nephews. Dean had assured him that his family was Cas’ family now, and that was amazing, but he still wished he had his own family in his life. 

 

After dinner, they gave Frankie a bath, and she made them watch Frozen again. Dean grunted, but Cas knew that he secretly loved it. Cas didn’t know why Dean pretended to hate it. He knew that Dean would sing along with Let It Go along with Frankie loudly. Cas always promised not to tell anyone, but he thought it was adorable. Dean had a beautiful voice, too. Cas loved to hear him sing. Dean liked to sing in the shower, lots of Metallica. It wasn’t Cas’ taste, but he loved that Dean loved to sing like that when he thought no one was listening. Cas thought it was a waste of his talent. 

 

Cas was typing on his laptop while they were watching. He knew that Frankie hated that, but he was in the zone with his story and he wanted to get it done. Cas was writing about the Cowboys, they had asked him to write about their winning streak lately. Cas wasn’t usually the one to write about sports things, but he had been glad to agree. It had been the first time that he’d be in Dallas’ paper. A lot of people were going to be seeing his name in the byline. Cas was excited about that. It had been a long time since he had seen his byline in the paper. He was living off royalties from some of his old stories. Which was fine, he made a good living. But Cas wanted to do something new.

 

Frankie was sitting between them, and she looked at Cas. ‘Papa, you aren’t watching the movie.” She told him accusingly. Frankie loved sitting between them, she could see both of them that way. Frankie was wearing her Snow White nightgown that Dean had bought her. It was the first thing that he had gotten for her and she loved it. Frankie folded her arms tightly. She hated when Cas didn’t pay attention, especially to Frozen. It was her favorite movie. She wanted all kinds of Anna and Elsa stuff for Christmas. It was coming up too. 

 

He leaned and kissed her cheek. “I am so sorry, love, but Papa needs to finish this article for the newspaper. You know what that is, Daddy reads it every day on his tablet.” Cas said, he knew that Frankie loved stories, she made them read her a story every night when they tucked her in. Cas loved to read her stories, he had gotten out the Grimms Fairy Tale book out that his mother had used to read to him when he was her age. She loved the one about the 12 dancing princesses, it was her favorite. It was Cas’ favorite too.

 

Dean said, “Come on, Cas, you can take a break while we watch the movie, you know she loves it when you pay attention.” They had watched it three times this week already, and he knew that it was tiring, but he thought that Cas could take a break and watch with them. He didn’t know that he was going to like it if Cas sat there typing the whole time. Dean wanted to have them watch the movie as a family. Dean reached and took the laptop off Cas’ lap. Cas gave him a look. 

 

“Nope, you have plenty of time to work on it after we put your daughter to bed.” Dean said, setting the laptop on the table. He didn’t know that he blamed Cas though, it was such a horrible movie. It wasn’t that bad, except for they had seen it three times already this week. Dean didn’t mind as much as he knew Cas thought he did. Dean wanted to make Frankie happy, and she loved this movie. When they got to Let It Go, Dean and Frankie sang along as loudly as they could. He loved singing with her. She had a good voice. Dean thought she could make a career out of it if she worked at it. 

 

Cas sighed but he didn’t move to get it back. Frankie looked at him. “Popcorn, Papa, please.” She said, she tugged on his shirt. Cas sighed but he touched her nose. “Okay. I’ll go make some.” He stood, and made sure to tell them they didn’t have to pause, but Frankie did, she didn’t want him to miss a minute of it. Cas sighed and chuckled to himself. “Dean, would you like a soda? We have Diet Pepsi.” He called out to him. 

 

“I guess so, but you know I hate Diet pop.” Came the answer. Cas was struck by how much he loved this. This was a family. He finally had a family. He had people that counted on him. There was no feeling in the world like having a child look up to you and count on you to make things alright and take care of them. Cas loved that feeling. He couldn’t believe how happy he was. He went to the kitchen. Cas was wondering if they should get a dog. He thought that Frankie would benefit from having a pet. He knew Dean wasn’t good with animals, usually, but he thought that if Dean saw Frankie with a dog he’d change his mind.

 

Cas put the popcorn in the microwave and got out two Diet Pepsis for him and Dean, and a juice box for Frankie. Cas didn’t mind her having popcorn, it was mostly healthy. They got the ultimate butter kind, it was Dean’s favorite, but it was still just popcorn. It was healthier than chips. Cas didn’t worry about healthy food too much, but he did more than Dean did. Cas didn’t mind though, it was one of the things he loved most about Dean. That he was so passionate about pie and burgers. Cas remembered then that they had some pie, in the fridge. It was chocolate cream. He knew Dean had forgotten, and he knew that getting him a slice would make Dean very happy. 

 

He slid a slice onto a paper plate, and grabbed all of their things and went back to the living room. “Dean, I got you a slice of pie.” He said, and it was worth it when he saw Dean’s eyes light up. Cas grinned happily and handed it to him, along with his soda. He loved making Dean smile. It was worth anything he had to do.

 

“Thanks, babe. I totally forgot we had pie!” Dean said, grinning as he took a bite. He loved pie, and always had. He wasn’t picky either, he would eat just about any kind of pie. His favorite was cherry pie. Dean met his little girl’s eyes, she was giving him a pleading look. He sighed and gave her a soft smile. He let her have a bite. “That’s how much I love you.” He told her, tickling her belly and she giggled. Dean loved making her laugh. It was like tinkling bells. Dean leaned and kissed Cas. “I love you so much.” He said, he was so happy right now. Cas, Frankie, and pie. It was perfect. 

 

The phone rang then, and Dean reached to answer it, admist Frankie’s protestations. “I’m sorry, kiddo, but it could be your mom.” He said, and answered the phone. “Novak-Winchester residence.” He said, totally not expecting who was on the other end of the line. He honestly thought it was Charlie or someone else at the facility. 

 

“Dean? It’s Jo.” Jo was crying. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. “I’m down at the police station….. Sam got into a fist fight.” She could hardly contain her anger. Sam had used to get into fights with guys who flirted with her, but he had promised to stop. Sam had never been the jealous type, at least, not before this. Jo added, “He got into a fight with this guy that was hitting on me…. And someone called the cops. I don’t have the bail money, at least, not right now. It’s $500, I can get it in the next couple of days, but I don’t want him to have to spend the night in jail.” 

 

It was beyond belief to Dean that Sam was in jail for a fist fight. “I can handle it, you just hang tight.” Dean promised. “I will be there as soon as I can, just let me get dressed and grab my ATM card.” He couldn’t believe this. It was the first time that Sam had ever been busted by the law. Dean had done some things as a teenager, but not a lot, John would have killed him. Dean may buck at authority, but never at John’s. Or Bobby’s. Dean wouldn’t ever show them disrespect like that. 

 

“Just tell Sam to hang on tight. I promise, we’ll get through this. It’s not so bad, it’s his first offense, so he’ll most likely just get community service or something.” Dean promised her, and they hung up. Dean turned to Cas. “I’ve got to go, babe, Sam’s in jail…. He got into a fight with someone.” Dean had never thought that he’d have to say that about his brother. Dean didn’t believe this. Although he didn’t blame him, if someone was hitting on Cas, he would have done the same thing. Dean was that kind of guy though. He was just that kind of guy. You didn’t hit on what was his. Dean didn’t know how Sam was going to deal with this, but he was sure that it wasn’t going to be a big deal. Sam hadn’t ever been in trouble, and this was just a fist fight. He was sure that the other guy was more beat up than Sam. Sam could hold his own. John had taught them when they were younger.

 

Cas touched his hand to his heart. “Oh my…. Of course. I’ll take care of getting Frankie to bed.” He said, shaking his head. This was awful. What was going on? Why was Sam getting into fist fights? He couldn’t imagine what must have been going through Sam’s mind. It was so crazy. Cas looked at Dean. “Why did he get into a fight?” He asked, Sam was not that kind of guy to let his temper get away from him like that. It was surprising to Cas that this was happening. Cas wondered what had made Sam snap. Maybe it had to do with Jo. That was a big possibility. “I didn’t even know that Sam could fight that well.” He said. “Sam’s not one who usually lets his fists do the talking.”

 

Standing, Dean said, “The guy was hitting on Jo, I guess. I’ll get the full story when I go down there.” He handed the rest of his pie to Frankie. “Daddy has to go see Uncle Sam and Aunt Jo.” He said, and she eagerly took the pie. Dean was glad that she was as into pie as he was. He also wondered if Jo had called John. Or if Sam had used his one phone call to call John. John wasn’t going to like this. “I promise I’ll be as quick as I can, babe.” He told Cas, and kissed him as he headed off to the bedroom to get something on. He only had on some of Cas’ Columbia sweats. 

 

Within a half an hour, he was pulling up in front of the police station that Jo had texted him to go to. Dean parked his Impala and headed inside. He found Jo in the lobby. Dean went up to her, the money for the bail was in his pocket. He still couldn’t believe this. This was Texas, it was normal behavior to get into a fist fight over some girl. It was just how things were. Dean was honestly surprised that no guns had been pulled. He gave Jo a hug. “What happened? I mean, details.” He said, discreetly showing her that he had the money in his pocket. “I mean, Sam has never been this kind of guy before.” 

 

Jo brushed her hand through her blonde hair. “Well, we were at Harvelle’s, and I was working the bar, and Sam had come in to hang out with me. So, there was this guy, he comes in a lot, his name is Balthazar. I don’t know why he was there tonight, but he was drunk within his first half hour. And he knows that Sam and I are together. Tonight that didn’t seem to bother him. He was hitting on me every time I served him another drink. Sam was quiet for awhile, trying to let me handle it, but when Balthazar touched me, Sam lost it. He got up and punched him, knocking him to the ground.” 

 

It had been hard to watch, it had just escalated from there. She told Dean that she’d not been able to get them apart, and since Ellen wasn’t there, no one was there to reason with either of them and someone in the bar had called the cops. Balthazar had insisted on pressing charges, since Sam had been the one to throw the first punch. Jo knew that John was going to throw a fit about that, he had taught the boys to fight but never to throw the first punch. Jo couldn’t be angry at Sam, she had been nervous when Balthazar had grabbed her hand. He was lecherous, especially when he was drunk. She had always worried about him whenever he was in Harvelle’s. She was glad that Sam had been there.

 

“What kind of name is Balthazar?” Dean asked, making a face. “I’m not surprised that Sam stuck up for you. I would have too.” Dean never let anyone hit on Jo when he was in the room. She was a beautiful woman, and Dean loved her, she was his sister. He knew that Sam and Jo were together forever, especially with the baby now. Sam had been with her for longer than he had ever been with anyone except his college girlfriend. Dean was glad that Sam had fallen for her, Jo was a good person and he knew that they’d be happy for a long time. “What’s the charge? Just assault?” Dean asked, he was sure that Sam wouldn’t get much in terms of a sentence. They were well known in Dallas, and they had a good reputation. John had grown up there, and so had they. The only one who had left for any length of time was Sam, he’d gone away to college. But he’d ended up coming back after his girlfriend in college had passed away.

 

“It’s just assualt. I think he’s going to be okay, I’m with you, I know that he’s never been in trouble before, and even though he threw the first punch, but it was obvious that Balthazar was trying to start something.” Jo was shaking a little, she was actually scared that something was going to happen with him. Just because Sam had gotten into a fight with him didn’t mean he was going to back off. “I’m… I’m scared, Dean.” Jo said, looking up at him. She was actually starting to cry. Dean put his arms around her. He whispered to her that it would be okay. Jo wasn’t the type of girl who couldn’t take care of herself, she was a Texan. But she was still worried. 

 

“I promise, we’re not going to let anything happen to you.” Dean told her, letting her let it all out. Dean wasn’t going to let this joker scare her. Jo was the toughest girl that he knew, besides Ellen. She had raised a tough girl. Jo even knew how to handle a firearm. Dean had to admit, it was something that had attracted Sam to Jo, that she knew how to protect herself. Dean had never let anything happen to Jo when she was around him. Guys had always tried, but it had never gone this far before. “I’m glad that Sammy was there to keep you safe.” He told her, brushing his hand across her back. 

 

“Stay here, I’ll go and bail Sam out and you can go home.” He said, stepping back, his hand still on her shoulder. She nodded, and he hated to leave her alone, but she was in a precinct full of cops. No one was going to let anything happen to her. Dean headed up to the window, pulling out the money. He was glad that they’d had the money, he would have hated to have to call John, he was already going to be angry enough about this when he found out. Although Dean knew it was going to be because he’d thrown the first punch, not because he had been protecting Jo. 

 

Dean held up the money. “I’m here to bail out Samuel Winchester.” He said, and the cop slid some forms out for him to sign, and he got to work while someone went to get Sam out of holding. Dean hadn’t been in the precinct for a long time, not since right after high school. He’d egged his neighbor’s house when he was drunk, and someone had called the cops. Luckily, John had been able to talk the owner out of pressing charges. Dean had been a hellraiser when he was younger, and honestly, sometimes he still liked to do stupid things. Although, now he had to worry about Frankie and his heart. So he was going to have to behave. 

 

About fifteen minutes later, and Sam was being led out to him, the cop took off Sam’s cuffs and Sam sighed, heading towards Dean. “Sam, I’m not going to question you sticking up for your girl, but you should have let him throw the first punch! That is such a rookie mistake. You’re better than that.” Dean told him, it was his job to lecture him, he’d been doing it since he was ten years old and Sam was six. It was just a habit for him to slip into it. 

 

Sam sighed again. He was going to have to show up for court in three months. Dean had had to sign papers that promised that he was going to appear. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but he hadn’t been able to see that guy hit on Jo. He wondered if someone could talk Balthazar out of pressing charges. Although Sam was sure that he could get someone to testify that he’d been intending to hurt Jo. He had been really strong and not taking no for an answer. Sam hadn’t been able to stand it. He wasn’t going to let anyone hit on his girlfriend. And Jo had actually looked really freaked out, and Sam knew that she had actually been worried that something would happen. 

 

“I know, Dean, I know… it was stupid.” Sam said, rubbing his wrists. He brushed his hand through his shaggy brown hair. “I just, he was hitting on Jo, and she looked really scared. I didn’t want to watch her be hurt like that.” He said, shaking his head. “I know that this is going to get me into real trouble. I just, I couldn’t let him do that. Especially since Jo is the mother of my child.” This was the first time he’d said it out loud, and he was rewarded with Dean giving him a smile. 

 

“Dammit, you already knew, didn’t you?” 

 

Dean wasn’t able to keep the smile off his face. “I do, yeah. Jo told me. But I haven’t told anyone else. I know that you wanted to be the one to tell the family.” He couldn’t believe that Sam had admitted it out loud. “I can’t wait for Frankie to meet her little cousin.” He said, Frankie loved other kids. She was always wanting to go play at the park to meet new people. Dean was hoping that she’d be able to keep that enthusiasm for when she went to school. Kids could be mean, and Dean didn’t want her to have to learn that the hard way. Dean wasn’t going to let anyone hurt Frankie, she was his pride and joy. He loved that little girl with all of his heart. 

 

“Come on, Jo’s worried about you.” Dean said, he had said what he had needed to say. “Sam, you’re going to be fine. You’ve never been in trouble before, and you know the kind of sway Dad has in this town.” Dean told him, leading him back to Jo. He watched while Sam hugged Jo tight. Dean couldn’t believe it. They were settled down. They were adults. Dean had been one for almost 20 years, and it still didn’t feel like it. Not until this moment right now. He knew that he had a husband and a child at home to get back to. Sam was hugging the mother of his child. Dean knew how lucky they both were. John had raised them as best he could, and Dean had done his best to make sure that Sam followed the straight and narrow. And he thought he’d done a pretty damn good job. He wasn’t worried about raising Frankie at all, at least, not at the moment. He’d already done this once, and Sam was a good man. He was proud of himself. 

 

Jo watched Dean head out and socked Sam hard on the shoulder. “Look, Sam, I am so glad that you were sticking up for me, but I can’t believe you did that! Never throw the first punch.” She was glad that she got to speak her mind, she could focus on that instead of being freaked out about Balthazar. She didn’t know what she was going to do if he showed back up at the bar. He was still there at the precinct himself, filling out the paperwork. Since he was pressing charges he had things to sign. “Your dad is going to kick your ass for being the first to hit.” She said, and she was sure that he was going to hear that several times over, she was sure that Dean had already given him hell for it. Although she didn’t blame him, Sam knew better than that. 

 

“But that aside…. I’m really glad you were there.” Jo said, her voice shaking a bit. Sam immediately took her in his arms again, she buried her head in his chest, he was so tall. She hadn’t ever been with someone as tall as Sam before. Jo said, “I am actually worried that he’s going to try again, Sam. I don’t feel safe.” She wondered if she should try and get a restraining order, but she wasn’t sure that she had enough evidence for a judge to grant one of those. She wished that she did, she was worried about him. Tonight had really made her worry. She hadn’t really paid him much mind before. 

 

Sam looked down into her eyes. “I promise, I won’t let him hurt you. No one will let him hurt you. If he comes after you, I will make sure that he pays for it.” Sam didn’t know how Balthazar had gotten so messed up and hadn’t taken no for an answer. He had seen the guy in Harvelle’s before, but he’d never worried about him like he had tonight. Sam wasn’t going to stand by and let someone hurt Jo like that. She was the love of his life. He had never thought that he would love someone like he loved Jess in college. But he loved Jo so much more than that. It felt… he would never regret being with Jess, but he was so much happier than he had ever thought that he could be. 

 

Swept away by the love he felt for her, he took her hands. “Joanna Beth Harvelle, will you marry me?” He asked, and she looked at him, her eyes widening. 

 

Jo could hardly believe that Sam was asking. “Oh my God, yes! I love you so much, Sam.” She said, giving him a soft smile as she brushed a tear off her cheek with one of her hands. Sam had just made this night so much better. She would always remember it for this now, and not the awful fight. “I can’t believe this. I have been waiting for you to ask.” Jo was an old fashioned girl, at least, about some things. She hadn’t wanted to ask Sam, she had wanted Sam to ask her. She couldn’t believe he was asking, finally. Jo had never been unhappy with him, but he was glad that Sam had finally made an honest woman out of her. 

 

Sam leaned to kiss her. “I love you so much and I want to be your husband for the rest of my life.” He said, he wanted to be as happy with her as Dean was with Cas. He couldn’t believe it, but he really thought that Dean and Cas were forever. Sam had never seen Dean so happy before. It was nice. Dean had so many issues, but the fact that he had just opened himself up to Cas was a miracle. Sam was glad that he had found someone and had moved so quickly. Sam knew that it had been fast, but sometimes you just knew. 

 

“I love you so much.” Sam said, still holding Jo tightly to him. He felt very protective of her, he didn’t want her to worry anymore. She was safe with him. “I should have asked you sooner. I have known you were it for a long time now. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Jo. I love you and you’re carrying my baby. We are going to be happy forever. I know it.” He said, he could hardly believe that this was his life. He was getting married, he was having a baby. He could deal with the fallout from this, it was going to be just fine. He didn’t know that he would ever feel sorry for having protected Jo. She had been scared and Sam hadn’t been wanting her to be scared anymore. 

 

They headed for Sam’s truck, Jo leaning into him. Jo was glad that Sam had proposed. She didn’t even care that it had been spontaneous. It was so much more romantic that way. Jo looked up at her fiance. Wow, that sounded amazing… she could hardly believe that she got to call him that now. “So, you know that John is going to give you hell… but I promise we can tell him and Mom together.” Jo said, she wasn’t going to let Sam do that alone. She had called Dean because she knew that Dean wouldn’t go and tell John before they got a chance to. She trusted him. Dean had never let her down. She trusted him with her life, just like she did Sam. He was her family. 

 

“I am glad that Dean had the money to bail you out. I didn’t want you to have to sit in jail overnight.” She said. She was surprised that he’d gotten out so quickly, it was late enough that he should have missed the deadline for getting out tonight. She was glad that he had though. Dean had come through. Jo knew that Dean would do anything to keep Sam safe. Jo couldn’t imagine her life without Sam in it. She brushed her free hand through her long blonde hair. She then let her hand go to her belly, there was a baby in there. She still couldn’t believe that. She was having Sam Winchester’s baby. She was going to be a Winchester officially. It was blowing her mind. 

 

Sam unlocked the truck as they reached it and let her inside. “I am glad that he did too. I would have hated to spend the night in jail.” He had used his one phone call to call Ellen, he hadn’t wanted to call John if he didn’t have to. He knew that Jo would have taken care of calling Dean. Sam knew that John was going to give him hell, before anyone told him, and he was doing his best to delay that from happening. Sam helped Jo up into the truck, it was tall, and was four wheel drive. She was short and any reason for him to have his arms around her was a plus in his book. 

 

He went around to get inside, and Sam wondered what was going to happen with all of this. He was worried a bit, he knew that it was his first offense, but there was still the chance that he would come across a judge who would want to throw the book at him. The Winchesters had a good reputation in Dallas, mostly because of John, but that didn’t mean that someone wouldn’t want to take them down. Especially since he was Dean’s younger brother, Dean had made some enemies back in his day. Sam had had to deal with it his whole life. Not that he blamed Dean for having issues. It had been hard losing their mother when they were so young. And John having to work for a living and being gone so much. 

 

That’s when it hit him, John was a cop. Someone might call him. How did that not occur to him until now? Fuck. He didn’t know what he was going to do. They hadn’t been at John’s precinct, but the Dallas PD was a close knit group. Everyone in all the precincts knew each other pretty well, especially John. John was an exceptional cop and had gotten quite a reputation for catching people and putting them behind bars. And this was most likely going to be in the paper. He was screwed. He didn’t mention his thoughts to Jo though, he didn’t want to add to her worries. If he hadn’t thought of that till now, he was sure that Jo hadn’t either. 

 

When Dean got home, he found Cas in the living room writing. Dean watched him, he was sure that Frankie was tucked away and asleep by now, she always went to sleep better for Cas than she did him. Dean liked watching Cas work. It was like watching Beethoven working on his symphony. At least, that’s what it felt like to Dean. He imagined that it must have been so cool to see Beethoven working on his work. Dean leaned against the wall of the living room, watching Cas hard at work. His tongue was sticking out of his mouth with his concentration. That was adorable. 

 

Dean knew that he was going to have to actually address what might happen to them if something happened to him eventually, but he didn’t want to right now. They were happy right now. They had Frankie, they were married, things were going well. Dean didn’t want to burst that bubble right now. It felt too good. 

 

There was no way that he could be happier. Dean just hoped that the bubble wasn’t about to burst all over them. 

 

_It’s like a storm that cuts a path_  
It breaks your will, it feels like that  
You think you’re lost, but you’re not lost  
On your own, you’re not alone 

_I will stand by you, I will help you through_  
When you’ve done all you can do   
And you can’t cope  
I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight  
I will hold you tight and I won’t let go 

_It hurts my heart, to see you cry_  
I know it’s dark, this part of life  
Oh it finds us all and we’re too small   
To stop the rain  
Oh but when it rains 

 

**_Author’s note: I hope ya’ll liked! I wrote this all in one day, I mean, technically it’s a new day since it’s past midnight…. But we’ll go with one day. XD. I played a little loose with the legal system, but I figure it’s all good. Sometimes you have to change and twerk things to make it work your way. I think this fic is gonna use a lot of music, at least, it seems that way so far. If ya’ll got any songs that make you think of Destiel, you can suggest them, and I might use them if I can make them work in the flow of the story. Anyway, please review, and keep hanging in there!_ **


	7. I Will Fight Your Fight

Chapter Seven: I Will Fight Your Fight

A couple of weeks later, and it was that much closer to Christmas. Dean was still asleep, he’d had to take his meds and they knocked him out. So Cas was in the kitchen with Frankie and Jo baking Christmas cookies. Cas was getting out the cookie cutters, he enjoyed them, and he knew that Frankie would. She was standing on her stool by the table, mixing up the dough with Jo. Frankie was pleased to be hanging out with Jo, she loved Jo. 

“Auntie Jo, I want to make snowmen.” Frankie told her, she was reaching for some of the dough to spread out to put the cookie cutter over it. Cas watched her, she was happy, her cheeks flushed from the excitement. Cas wondered if he should go wake up Dean, he knew that Dean would want to be awake for this, but he wasn’t sure that he should, Dean hadn’t been sleeping well lately and Cas didn’t want to wake him if he didn’t have to. He moved to put the cookie cutters on the table. 

“Do you think I should go wake up Dean?” Cas asked Jo, handing Frankie the snowman cookie cutter. He knew it was her favorite.

Jo looked at Cas as Frankie eagerly started cutting out snowmen. “You could, I know that he doesn’t want to miss this, but he hasn’t been sleeping. I think you should let him sleep.” She said, nodding. Jo didn’t want to be the one to wake Dean anyway, he could be a bit of a bear when he was awakened. She’d found out once the hard way. Jo had pulled her long blonde hair back into a ponytail. Jo didn’t know when things between Sam and John were going to get better. He’d happened to find out from his commanding officer, who had heard from the commanding officer at the precinct Sam had been taken to. It had been pretty tense with the two of them since then. Jo didn’t know what was going to work to make them start talking again. 

Cas looked back at her. “Thinking about John and Sam?” He asked. Jo sighed. 

“How did you guess? It’s just…. I’m worried that they’re never going to work things out. John says that he’s so mad that Sam was the one to start the fight, even if he gets why he did.” Jo said. She wanted to confide in Cas about what was going on but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to at the same time. She hadn’t gotten permission from Sam to tell people yet. Of course, Dean knew, but that was Dean. Sam couldn’t object too much though, right? Cas was family. Jo really wanted them to work things out, she was wanting to tell the whole family about the baby. She thought that might help them bridge the gap.

“Cas? Can I tell you something?” Jo asked, as she watched Frankie using the snowman cookie cutter. She was glad that Frankie was having such a good time. Jo loved making cookies. She couldn’t wait for them to have their Christmas together. Jo loved Christmas, and now they had Frankie and Cas in their family. Dean had never had someone join them for Christmas before, and now he had a husband. When Cas gave her a nod, Jo let out a nervous breath and then it came tumbling out. 

“I’m pregnant, and I really want to tell the rest of the family.”

Cas gasped, and hugged her tight. “I’m so happy for you, Jo!” He said, and Frankie looked at them curiously. “Your Auntie Jo is going to have a baby. You’re going to be a cousin.” He told her, and she reached to hug Jo around the waist. Cas was glad that she had chosen to tell him about the baby. Cas went to get out some icing for the cookies. “I am glad that you chose to tell me. Why are you keeping it a secret? Does Dean know?” Cas didn’t even ask if Sam knew, because she was sure that he did. Cas wondered what John was going to say. He had taken to Frankie pretty well, but that wasn’t a guarantee that he was ready for this. 

Jo said, “Dean does know. Sam was nervous that we shouldn’t say anything in case something happens. All the books say don’t say anything till the third month.” Jo didn’t know what she was going to do if something did happen. But she wanted to tell the good news. “I want to tell them about the baby though. Especially with John and Sam fighting.” Jo didn’t think that it would be a bad idea to tell them. Especially right now. 

“I think that it could help.” Jo said, brushing some of the icing on the cookies. Frankie was eagerly reaching for the sprinkles. She loved sprinkles. Jo was sure that she was about to go overboard with them. Jo was sure that it would be cute though, Frankie had some artistic talent. It was adorable. She wondered if she would want to turn it into a career. Dean bought her at least three boxes of 24 count crayons in as many weeks. She drew all the time. 

“You might be right.” Cas agreed, wondering if he should go and wake up Dean again for the fifth time. He wasn’t sure that it was a good idea but he thought that he shouldn’t be missing it. He was saved from going to do it though by the ringing of the doorbell. Cas wondered who that was and went to get it. He peeked through the keyhole. It was Lucy, Frankie’s aunt. “Hi, Lucy. Come in.” Cas said, stepping back for her. 

Lucy was a bit of a wild card. She was bisexual, so they didn’t have to worry about her having a problem with them raising Frankie, but they weren’t sure that she still wasn’t going to try and sue for custody. Cas was sure that they were fine, but Dean was worried. Although Cas was sure that it was going to be fine, because Dean could sue for Charlie never having told him about Frankie. Cas knew that they also had the upper hand because of Dean being Frankie’s biological father. 

“What are you doing here? Not that we aren’t glad to have you.” Cas said, leading her to the kitchen. Cas was glad she was here, actually, she could see how well Frankie was being taken care of. So far everything had gone smoothly, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t make sure that Lucy saw things were okay.

Lucy was here to see how things were going. She wasn’t going to try and take Frankie away though. A part of her wanted to, but she knew that Dean not being in Frankie’s life till now wasn’t his fault. She was a bit upset that Charlie had chosen to tell him though. Lucy had thought that she would get Frankie if something happened to her sister. Lucy also didn’t want to take Frankie from them when she clearly wanted to be there. Lucy tucked some of her long black hair behind her ear. She glanced around the kitchen. It looked like they were having a lot of fun decorating cookies. 

She glanced at Jo, they’d really only met once. She wasn’t sure what she thought of the other woman. She was younger than Sam, she knew that. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Lucy gave Frankie a smile as she said, “I’m just here to visit. I also thought we could have dinner together, I make a mean pot roast.” She looked at the cookie that her niece was currently decorating. It was covered in red icing and sprinkles. That looked like a Frankie cookie alright. 

“Are you having fun making cookies?” She asked Frankie, wondering if she was going to say she was. Although it clearly looked like she was. 

Jo shared a look with Cas. She wanted to ask if that was why Lucy was really here, but she didn’t think that that was a good idea. Jo was definitely distrustful of Lucy. She didn’t believe that Lucy was fine with Dean and Cas raising Frankie. She knew she had to work on her being paranoid all the time, but she thought she might have gotten it from hanging out with Dean. Dean could be very paranoid if he wasn’t careful. “Hello Lucy.” Jo said, trying to keep malice out of her tone. If Lucy really was going to be trying to take away Frankie, she didn’t want to let her know that Jo was on to her. 

Wow, she really did need to work on being paranoid. Jo shared another look with Cas. “Actually, that might be nice. Cas has been cooking all week, I am sure that he’s wanting a break.” Jo said, and before she could go give in to the urge to wake up Dean, he came stumbling into the kitchen. Jo watched him go to grab a cup of coffee from the coffee pot. Cas was a caffeine addict, and he always had some coffee going. Although he was a Brit, so he did do the tea thing on occasion, too. Jo loved that about him. It was so cute. 

Dean was wearing just a pair of Cas’ Columbia sweatpants and a ratty tank top, he was a hot sleeper. He was instantly aware of someone new in the kitchen, and turned to look at Lucy Tucker. “Um, hey, Lucy.” He said, instantly wary. He didn’t trust her. Dean knew that it was crazy, she was probably not after taking his daughter from them, but he couldn’t shake the nervous feeling. Dean had always been paranoid, none of them had ever really known why. Dean hadn’t ever been able to put his finger on it either.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?” He asked, he wasn’t one to shy away from asking the question that no one else would ask because it wasn’t polite. Dean wasn’t one to worry about being tactful. At least, not all of the time. “It’s just, we weren’t expecting you.” And what he was thinking but didn’t say was who just dropped in on people anymore? That was a thing of the past. Dean did his best to ignore the look his husband was giving him. They had had many talks about this, Cas was of the mind that they shouldn’t act rude towards Lucy without a reason, not give her a reason to want revenge. Dean was of the mind that they shouldn’t let her think she could just pull the wool over their eyes.

“Relax, Dean, I’m not here to be a bitch.” Lucy said. She knew that Dean didn’t trust her. She wasn’t entirely sure she trusted him either. She wanted to, but she knew that he was waiting for her to try and take Frankie away. It wasn’t as if she would. Although if she had a reason, she would try. So far she could tell that Frankie was being well cared for and she was happy. That was the important thing. Lucy didn’t want to take Frankie from here unless there was a good reason. Right now there wasn’t. 

“I just thought I’d cook for ya’ll. I know that you’re sick right now and I just want to help, honestly.” Lucy said, it was true. She didn’t want to cause trouble. “I just thought Cas might like a night off of cooking.” She set down the bags of groceries she’d brought with her. “I was going to make pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn casserole.” She knew it was Frankie’s favorite. She loved to make it for her. “I promise, Dean, that’s all. Plus, I was a bit lonely, I wanted to see Frankie. I had this date with this girl and it fell through.” 

Lucy was bisexual, but she leaned more towards women. She just wasn’t that into guys, but she called herself bisexual because one never knew, and she did enjoy sex with men on occasion. It just didn’t happen that often.

Dean sat down at the table, looking at all of the cookie happenings around him. Cas was putting a tray of snowmen and Santas in the oven. Dean caught sight of his little girl as she was grabbing more sprinkles to put on a green iced tree cookie. He was blown away by how much he loved her. She was a beautiful little girl. She didn’t have his eyes color, but his hair was just as brown as Charlie’s, and she had his nose. Dean couldn’t imagine his life without her. Dean had always wanted to have kids, but he had never thought that he actually would. Dean had never really found anyone that he would have wanted to have them with, until Cas. 

He turned to look back at Lucy. “Okay, if that’s why you’re here, I think it’d be good for Frankie.” He said, he wanted to show Frankie family unity. So if that meant being nice to Lucy, he would do it. Dean didn’t mind making Frankie happy. He wondered if this Christmas was going to be his last one, and all of a sudden, tears brushed his eyes. Dean was quiet, as he swallowed past the lump in his throat. He didn’t want to bring things down, and he felt that if he said anything more right now, he would. He was quiet, but he caught Cas staring at him. Dean gave him a shrug, tears still shining in his eyes.

Cas noticed that his husband had suddenly gotten quiet, and he grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the kitchen. Cas noticed his chin trembling, and he wiped some tears off Dean’s cheeks with his thumb. “What’s wrong, baby?” He asked, looking Dean head on in the eye. He didn’t want him to look away, and try not to tell him. Dean had a habit of trying to get away with that. Cas didn’t want him to do that this time. 

“You know you can tell me anything.” He said, looking Dean in the eyes. He hated that Dean was crying. They’d been doing the dance of not talking about the health issues, and Cas had a suspicion that this had something to do with that. Cas didn’t want that to be it, they had to be positive about it, but he knew that it was going to happen sooner or later that Dean was going to give in to the dark thoughts that must be swirling around his head on a daily basis. Cas reached down and took Dean’s hands, holding them tightly. “I love you, Dean. I want you to tell me. I know you like to keep things inside, but that’s not the best idea.”

Dean couldn’t even form words, he didn’t know how to tell Cas what he was feeling. He didn’t want to voice it out loud if he didn’t have to. He would be lending to the idea that this might be his last Christmas. He didn’t want to think about that. It was too hard. Dean kept his eyes from Cas’ stubbornly, there was the soft rumble of Jo’s voice in the kitchen, and Dean wondered what she was saying. Dean tried to keep his composure, but it was crumbling. 

His voice was rough as he finally spoke. “Cas…. I know we’re trying to do the positive thing…. But what if this is my last Christmas? I know I don’t deserve more…. I haven’t ever listened to my doctor about what I should and shouldn’t do….. But I have a daughter. She deserves to have me around for a long time. She’s already losing her mom… How could God do this? How could both of my daughter’s parents have something terminal wrong with them?” Dean’s voice was breaking, and tears were dripping off his chin. This scared him to death, and he wasn’t scared like this all the time usually. Not till he met Cas and they’d begun dating. 

His heart defect finally had started to feel real. It finally started to feel like he really might leave this world at any minute. He knew that he was going to have to take it easy till he got a new heart, and even then Dean wasn’t sure that he was ever going to feel right doing the things he’d always done, he’d be damaging the new heart too, needlessly. “I can’t… I can’t stand that I might be doing this to her. She doesn’t deserve this. I do, but she doesn’t.” 

Hearing Dean say that he thought he deserved what had happened to him broke Cas’ heart. “Dean…..” He said, he hated that Dean had such a low opinion of himself. “Dean, you are a good person. You don’t deserve this. You don’t. I don’t know why you think so low of yourself. If I could change that, I would. I can’t make you think better of yourself.” Cas had to stop a moment, his throat was filling with a lump. This was affecting him as much as it was Dean. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do about this. He didn’t like thinking that Dean wasn’t going to beat this. 

He was third on the list for a new heart, Cas had to be optimistic. If he wasn’t he would just flip out, and he knew that’s not what Dean would be able to handle. Cas didn’t want him to feel that he didn’t have a fighting chance. Cas couldn’t handle it if Dean gave up. He didn’t want to be so positive that he wasn’t realistic, though, he was trying to find a middle ground. He knew that Dean wasn’t going to give up now, though, not with Frankie in his life. “You aren’t going to leave Frankie. You’re going to make it through this, I know you are. You’re much closer to the top of the list, you’re trying to follow what the doctor says to do, you’re going to make it. I can’t believe that God would bring us together just to have you…….” Cas paused, and he knew that Dean didn’t need him to finish that sentence. 

Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He needed to shave. He had a few days’ stubble. He loved that Cas was so positive. “I can’t believe in God, Cas. I… if Mom hadn’t died, maybe I would be able to.” Dean didn’t know that he could ever believe in anything that wasn’t tangible. He couldn’t have blind faith, not like Cas did. Dean wished he could. It was just something that he’d never been able to believe in. He loved that Cas did though, it was adorable. It was one of the reasons he loved him so much. 

He was pacing, he just couldn’t keep still. He was so upset. Dean couldn’t keep the tears from pooling in his eyes, and he knew he had to calm down. He didn’t want to get all agitated. He wasn’t supposed to if he could help it. Dean could feel himself starting to panic, which was new. He’d never been one to have panic attacks. Sam had used to get them when he was little, but Dean had never been one to be that kind of person. Dean knew it was bad to get one now, he reached out and grabbed at Cas, clutching at his shirt. 

“I can’t…. I think I’m having a panic attack.” He managed to get out, before he had trouble breathing.

Cas immediately put his arms around Dean, and when Dean’s knees wobbled, they went to the floor together. He held Dean close. “Just breathe, babe.” Cas said, stroking Dean’s back in concentric circles, trying to help him get calm. Castiel didn’t have any personal experience with this, but he knew that the main thing was to get Dean to calm down. It could affect your heart, and Dean was supposed to be as calm as possible. Cas whispered in his ear. “It’s gonna be okay, Dean. Take deep breaths.” 

He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Dean must be going through. It had to be awful to know that your heart could give out at any moment. Cas knew that they were going to make it through this, they had to. Cas wasn’t even going to let himself think they weren’t going to make it. Cas kept his arms tight around Dean, trying to help him as best he could. He could feel Dean’s heart pounding through his chest, and Cas knew that he was going to have to calm down. “Come on, Dean, honey, you need to calm down. Your heart is getting too excited.” 

There was a small noise, and Cas looked up to see Jo looking at them. “What’s wrong, Jo?” Cas asked, Dean’s head was buried in his neck, and he was still not calmed down enough.

Jo wondered what was going on. “Frankie’s worried, she sent me to see what’s going on.” Jo said, wishing she could do something to help. She knew that Dean was freaking out, and she didn’t know what she was going to do to help. Jo knew that he was thinking he wasn’t going to make it. Jo hated that Dean was going through this. She was grateful that he was trying to follow his doctor’s orders now though. It was good that he was at least trying to behave. “I can tell her everything’s fine, if you want.” Jo didn’t want Frankie to be scared. They hadn’t told her yet that Dean was sick. All they’d told her was that he had to be careful with his heart. Jo knew that it was going to be hard for Dean to tell her that she might lose him. 

Jo knelt so she could touch Dean’s back. “I’m worried about you, Dean. You’re doing really good with keeping up with your doctor’s orders, but you aren’t talking enough about your feelings. You need to let them out sometimes. It doesn’t help to keep things bottled up inside. That’s why you’re having a panic attack.” Jo met Cas’ eyes, and they both were sure that their worry was evident on their faces. Jo was glad that Dean’s face was buried in Cas’ neck. It meant that he wasn’t aware of how scared they both were right now. Jo didn’t want Dean to freak out more than he needed to. She knew that he wasn’t talking enough, he was the one who did his best to keep things inside. 

Dean was hating that Jo was worried about him now. This was too much. Dean didn’t want to talk about his feelings. He never wanted to talk about them. He didn’t know why he was that way, he just always had been. Dean tried to calm down, his lips pressing to Cas’ neck, and he took a deeper breath, trying to stop from freaking out. Dean wasn’t having much luck. “Jo, I know you mean well… but I can’t talk about my feelings right now.” Dean said, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t know what he was going to say, even if he did want to talk about his feelings. 

Clutching at Cas, Dean finally started to calm down. He didn’t know how he’d managed to get so upset. Dean knew he had to do something to keep from getting so upset again, and he knew it was going to be hard to accomplish. Whenever he had a moment when he wasn’t thinking about something else, he was worrying about if he was going to die. Dean didn’t want to leave Frankie. He hadn’t had her long enough, he couldn’t lose her. Dean knew that she was going to be messed up enough when Charlie was gone. Dean knew that she was going to be gone soon. He’d been keeping up with her nurses. Every time he spoke to them, she was getting worse. Dean couldn’t leave Frankie too. 

“I’m not the one to talk about things like that.” Dean said, although he knew that she knew that. 

Cas stroked Dean’s back, glad that he was starting to calm down. “Deep breaths, Dean. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want.” He said. Cas knew that Dean wasn’t going to talk, especially as long as Jo was still here. He didn’t know what he was going to do to get him to talk, Dean did need to talk about things. Cas shared a look with Jo, and she nodded, getting up and heading back down the hall. Cas didn’t know what to say to Dean now, but Dean’s heart was finally getting back to normal. He was glad that Dean was finally calming down. 

“Don’t keep it all inside, though, Dean. You don’t have to talk now if you don’t want. I don’t know what to do to get you to talk. But I’m glad that you’re calm.” Cas knew that he was going to be at a loss as long as this was going on. He felt constantly at a loss. He didn’t like feeling out of control. Cas couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to be Dean right now. He had never been sick like that before. Cas had no realm of experience to talk to Dean about this. He knew that him telling Dean it was going to be okay wasn’t going to help as much as he would like it to. 

“I know that there’s nothing I can say that’s really going to help you feel better.” Cas said, as Dean lifted his head out of Cas’ shoulder to look him in his blue eyes. 

Dean’s eyes were still watering. He sniffled, and his chin trembled. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Cas. I know that you’re wanting to be positive about this. I understand that, but I don’t want to be so positive that I forget that we need to be real about this.” Dean said, brushing his hand through his hair. He was feeling more grounded looking into Cas’ blue eyes. It was like looking into the sky. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost him. Dean knew that wasn’t going to happen unless it was death. With Cas having stuck by him so far, he knew that he wasn’t going to lose him. 

“You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Cas. I need you to know that.” Dean said. If there was anything this whole experience was teaching him, it was that life was short. You had to say what you wanted to say to your loved ones while you could. Dean didn’t know what he was going to say to explain how much he really loved Cas. Words weren’t enough. They would never be enough. There were so many things that Dean felt when he was with Cas, and he knew that he’d never be able to put them into words. Dean just wasn’t the one to be good with words like Cas was. Cas was a writer though, it was what he did for a living. 

Dean took another deep breath, trying to keep his breath even. “I don’t know how to ever explain how much you mean to me. I’m not good with words like you are. I wish I was. Words just aren’t enough.” Dean said, he knew that he wasn’t ever going to take Cas for granted. No matter what. He was so grateful to have him. He didn’t want to know what it was like to not have him in his life. He barely remembered what it was like before Cas. 

Cas’ own eyes brushed with tears. He knew why Dean was saying these things. “No, Dean, don’t do that. You’re not going to die, okay? I know that you’re feeling discouraged right now, but that’s no reason to start saying your goodbyes. I love you, I’m not going to lose you. We’re going to fight this till the bitter end.” He told him firmly, Cas wasn’t going to even let himself think that Dean wasn’t going to make it. He just couldn’t let himself go there, because then he’d break down, and it was something that he knew he couldn’t do it to Dean. He had to be the strong one so Dean could be the weak one. 

“You don’t have to keep it all inside, and you aren’t going to die.” Cas said, his voice wobbling when he said that, he didn’t know how he could have said it without collapsing in a ball. He hadn’t ever said it out loud yet. It wasn’t real to him, that Dean might die. He didn’t want to let himself think about it if he didn’t have to. “You don’t have to be as positive as I am, but you don’t have to keep thinking the dark thoughts. I can be positive for both of us. I just want you to try and keep your mind on living. Whenever you start to get scared that you might not make it, think about something else. Force yourself to if you have to.” Cas knew that it wasn’t going to help much if Dean didn’t do it, but he knew that it would help if Dean could actually do it. Cas didn’t want him to worry about anything, he hated that this was happening to them. 

Lucy’s voice rang out. “I’m putting the pot roast in the oven!” Dean all of a sudden didn’t want her there. But he knew that it would be rude to ask her to leave. Dean didn’t want to eat, all he wanted to do was go back to bed and stay there. He tried to take a deep breath, and he didn’t manage to do it. Dean kept his eyes on the floor as he said, “I’m going back to bed. Tell Lucy I’m sorry. I just am not up to this right now.” Dean wasn’t sorry, but he knew that he didn’t want to be rude to Lucy without reason. He didn’t want to give her any ammunition to take Frankie. Even though he didn’t think that it was going to happen, he didn’t want to put the idea in her head.

Standing, Dean’s fingers slid out of Cas’ slowly. He met Cas’ eyes, and tried to convey what he was thinking as he looked at him without words. It didn’t exactly work, at least, Dean didn’t think so. He walked off towards the bedroom, and as soon as he reached the bed, he collapsed into it, tears racking his body. He buried his head in the pillow, he wished that he could just wake up and things would be different. He felt like this was a dream. It didn’t feel real. Dean didn’t think he deserved to live. He wished that he did. He didn’t think that he was ever going to feel that he deserved to live. He turned on his side, laying his head on the pillow. 

Cas walked him go, and wished that he could do something that would make Dean feel better. He knew that he couldn’t. There was nothing he could say right now that was going to help. He wished that he could do something. Cas moved to the kitchen, taking a moment to calm himself before he went back in the kitchen. Frankie was helping her aunt with the potato masher, and Cas had to smile a bit. He knew that she loved to mash potatoes. He cleared his throat, and Jo and Lucy both looked at him. “Dean’s asked me to apologize, he went back to bed.” Cas said, as he moved to start putting away the cookie cutters. 

His eyes met Jo’s briefly. He knew that Jo was thinking the same thing he was. Dean wasn’t handling this well. They had to do something. He just didn’t know what they were going to do about it. He wished that he could do more. Cas was feeling as helpless as he ever had, and he didn’t like it. He was flashing back to the last time he’d felt this helpless, and it had been his rape in high school. Cas was suddenly hit with a wave of despair. Cas held onto the chair next to him so tight that his knuckles were white. He hadn’t told Dean about the rape yet. He hadn’t thought about it in a long time. 

Cas had been through lots of therapy. He hadn’t been able to talk about it in a long time without getting upset. Cas wondered how long that would be the case. He had thought he was much better about it. But this feeling helpless thing was bringing him all back. Cas didn’t know how to tell Dean, and he didn’t want to really. He didn’t want to upset Dean anymore than he already was. Cas didn’t know what Dean’s reaction was going to be. That was another thing that was stopping him. What if Dean got mad because Cas hadn’t told him? It wasn’t like they had been together long enough to get out all their secrets. He just couldn’t form the words. It had been a long time since he’d spoken about it. It had been his high school counselor, and she had been a woman. Cas was amazed that he didn’t have a problem with women as a result. He knew that when it happened to women sometimes they were scared of men for years afterward. 

Jo watched Cas, there was something wrong with him. She wondered if it was Dean's’ breakdown or something else. She stepped closer, reaching out and taking Cas’ hand. “Cas, what’s wrong? Is it just Dean? Or is something else?” Jo asked, her fingers laced tightly with Cas’. She knew that he was hiding something. They’d known each other long enough that she could tell when he was upset. Jo wished she could do something. She felt as helpless as he did, or at least, how much she suspected that he was. Jo brushed some of her blonde hair behind her ear with her free hand. 

“You can tell me anything.” Jo said, tugging on Cas’ hand so that he looked her in the eye. Jo had told him about the baby, and she was glad that she had. She hoped that he would be able to confide in her too. Jo was glad to have Cas in her family. She knew it was good for him too, she knew that his family didn’t accept him. She couldn’t even imagine what that must have been like for him. Jo hadn’t ever had to worry about that with her mother. Jo had always been accepted by her mother unconditionally. 

He met her eyes head on, and he said, “I was raped in high school. By my high school counselor.” He said, and watched her eyes widen. Cas took a deep breath. He glanced over at Lucy and Frankie, who were giggling as they worked on dinner. Cas felt like they weren’t even in the same world as they were. Cas always felt like that whenever he was talking about what had happened to him. “I haven’t told Dean yet. I’m afraid to tell him. I mean…. I’m not sure how he’s going to react. What if he gets mad because I haven’t told him yet? I just….. I haven’t talked about it in a really long time. I went to therapy for years. I stopped a few years ago. I finally felt like I had a handle on it.” 

Cas knew that he didn’t necessarily have a handle on it, but he didn’t have nightmares about it anymore, and most of the time it didn’t even cross his mind. So he knew that he was doing much better about it than he used to be. Cas didn’t know what he was going to say to Dean about it. But he knew that was a serious secret to keep hidden. He could probably get away with not saying anything right away, since they hadn’t been together very long. But he knew that that excuse wasn’t going to last forever. Cas took another deep breath, squeezing Jo’s fingers. He felt better having told her. He knew that he would feel better when he told Dean too. Cas just kept putting it off because it was going to be hard to talk about. 

And what if Dean got so angry he wanted to go and look her up? Cas had never pressed charges because he’d been too scared. As far as he knew, she was still at the high school he’d gone to. It had been back in England, and Cas wondered if he should feel guilty that he hadn’t pressed charges. What if she’d done it to someone else? Cas knew that he couldn’t feel guilty about it though. He had made his choice. It had been his choice not to put himself and his family through that. His family actually didn’t know. He’d told his parents a bogus reason that he’d wanted to go to therapy and he knew that they’d wanted to believe it so they hadn’t asked any questions. 

“Oh Cas….” Jo said, her eyes widening. Her throat felt tight. She didn’t know what to say to him. She didn’t have any experience with this kind of thing. Jo hadn’t ever known someone that it had happened to. “You don’t have to tell Dean right away. But I do know there’s nothing that is going to keep him from loving you, Cas. He will always love you. You can tell him when you’re ready. I just… I don’t want to see you lose him because you waited too long. But Dean trusts you with his life, Cas. He may get mad that you waited to tell him, but he’s going to be more angry that it happened than that you took your time telling him.” 

Jo knew how hard it was to trust someone enough to open up about something like that. It couldn’t be easy. She understood Cas’ reluctance to tell Dean. She didn’t know from experience, but she knew from watching television and things that it was hard for some people to talk about it, because they blamed themselves. Jo honestly hoped that Cas didn’t see it that way. She didn’t want him to think it was his fault. She would hate that. “Dean’s not going to leave you, Cas. You’re sticking by him through sickness and health, you’re taking your vows seriously. Dean will too. I promise you.” 

Cas met her gaze, and he nodded. He knew that she was right. It didn’t mean that it made it any easier to entertain the idea of telling Dean. He just hoped that he would be able to. He didn’t think that right now was the best time, but he felt that he would be able to eventually. Cas trusted Dean with his life, just as he knew Dean trusted him with his. It felt amazing for someone to trust him that much. Cas had never loved anyone like he loved Dean. He knew that Dean hadn’t had this kind of love before either. That was why he believed that he and Dean were meant to be. They knew how much this love meant to them. 

It was the first time in both of their lives that they’d ever felt this strong love, and Cas knew that he would never want to risk losing that. He just hoped that Dean felt the same way. 

 

_**Author’s note: So……. that took a turn I didn’t expect. I hope ya’ll liked though. I realized that I hadn’t really introduced Lucy, so I thought that I would. Since I said it was going to be last chapter and it wasn’t. XD. I hope ya’ll are hanging in, and I will do my best to update as soon as possible. It’s gonna get a lot more angsty, that’s my cup of tea usually. Just a head’s up.** _


	8. I Pray On Christmas

Chapter Eight: I Pray On Christmas

Christmas morning dawned bright and early for Dean and Cas, they were awoken at seven thirty by an excited little girl, she pounced on their bed, excitedly calling out to them. “Daddy! Papa!” She squealed, and Dean groaned. There was a pile of presents for her under their very real tree. Dean had been glad to have a child to buy things for. He rolled over, poking Cas in the side. Cas was a deep sleeper. Dean was waiting excitedly to see what Ellen and John had gotten for his daughter, John had been overjoyed to have a child to buy for, too. “Wake up, sunshine, your daughter is awake.” Dean said, his voice groggy.

Dean let Frankie pull him from the bed, and he reached for a threadbare robe he’d had since high school and pulled it on. It had been John’s father’s, and it had gotten passed down to him when he was four, John had told him to hang on to it till it fit him. Henry had died before Dean was born. Dean had to walk by the bed to get it, and he jiggled Cas’ feet. “Up!” He said, and finally got a groan from his husband. Dean let Frankie lead him out of the room. “Hold on, Frankie, Daddy’s going to start the coffee maker. And Papa doesn’t want to miss anything.” 

They had discussed it, and they had decided she could open presents before they made her eat breakfast. Cas was planning on making French toast and eggs, Frankie loved French toast. Dean wondered if Cas was going to want to go to church, sometimes he went. Dean just couldn’t believe in God. He thought it was adorable that Cas did though. Dean wished he could just have that kind of blind faith. He worked on starting the coffee maker, and Frankie climbed up onto her booster seat. 

“Daddy, can I have some Cocoa Puffs before we open presents?” 

Dean turned to look at her in surprise. “Um, sure, sweetheart, let me get it for you.” Dean moved to get her a bowl of cereal, her favorite was Cocoa Puffs, they always had to have a box on hand, but it was Dean’s favorite too. They tended to get the biggest box they could from Sam’s. Cas came shuffling into the kitchen in his horrible Santa Claus pjs, they were soft and in a sweatpant material. “I started coffee, sunshine.” Dean told him, setting a bowl of cereal in front of Frankie, pouring some milk in it. 

Cas kissed Dean and said, “Bless you for starting the coffee maker.” He said, and leaned down to kiss Frankie on the cheek. Cas was surprised that Frankie was eating breakfast before opening presents. He was glad it was just cereal, she might eat some of the French toast he was going to cook. Cas loved French toast, and he knew that Dean did also. Cas wished the coffee maker was faster, and he wondered if Dean was going to like the big present he’d gotten for him. He had found a leather jacket that one of the members of Led Zeppelin had worn for years on ebay for sale. Cas had been shocked, and it was cheaper than he had thought it would be.

He knew that Dean was going to love it. Cas didn’t know how he could be happier. He still hadn’t told Dean about the rape yet, but he was getting closer. He had told Dean that there was something about his past he needed to tell him, but that it was hard for him to talk about and that’s why he hadn’t told him yet. Dean had kissed him and told him that it was okay. He could tell him when he was ready. Cas felt immeasurably better about it now. He was glad that he had at least told him that there was something he had to tell him. Cas brushed some of his hair off his forehead and watched his daughter shoveling Cocoa Puffs in her mouth. 

“You better be hungry when it’s time to eat French toast.” He told her, running his hand through her long brown hair. She just gave him a grin and told him that she would. Cas yawned and decided he wasn’t going to wait for the coffee maker, he was going to have instant. Cas hummed Santa Claus is Coming To Town as he moved to get out a coffee mug and filled it with water. 

“Impatient.” Dean said, stroking Cas’ side as he walked past him, going for a bagel. He was a bottomless pit, he could stuff himself quite a bit if he wanted to. He took a bite of it, and watched as Frankie finished her cereal and moved to the sink, there was a step stool for her so that she could put her dishes there. They didn’t let her put them in the dishwasher herself. She poured the milk out and ran some water in the bowl. Dean was very proud of her. Of course, he was the Oscar Madison to Cas’ Felix Unger, though. Dean wasn’t one to clean things automatically. It drove Cas crazy.

“Come on, Daddy!” Frankie said, tugging on Dean’s robe pocket. Dean looked down at her. “Wait for Papa’s coffee, it’s instant so it won’t take as long as the coffee maker.” He told her, and she let out a sigh. Dean watched as Cas set to work making his coffee, the microwave had dinged. Dean watched her as she toyed with the sleeves of her Princess Belle pjs. They were footie pajamas, and he was glad that they’d gotten them for her, she was growing like a weed.

Frankie hovered around Cas until he was finished with the coffee and then she grabbed them both by the hands and dragged them to the living room. She squealed with delight when she saw the presents that were piled in one corner by the tree. She knew they were hers because they were wrapped in Disney princess wrapping paper. Cas, in some of his many qualities, was able to wrap things with proficiency. Dean was not one who was able to do that kind of thing. 

Cas turned on some music, he loved Bing Crosby. Dean honestly wasn’t surprised, Cas wasn’t exactly a stereotype gay, but he did like a few things that you would expect a gay man to like. Dean watched her immediately begin to tear into them, and he watched as Cas settled on the couch, setting his coffee on a coaster. Dean was always getting him annoyed because he never used coasters. Dean stood, and went to get Cas’ big present. He had cashed in some of the money he’d saved to get Cas a new laptop. The one he had was a few years old and it was temperamental. Dean had been so excited to find him one that he knew Cas would like. It was even a pretty color, it was blue. 

“I know we were gonna wait till the munchkin opened all of hers, but I want you to open this now.” Dean said, he had wrapped it horribly in Minions paper, Cas loved that movie.

Cas looked at Dean, and he took the present. “You wrapped it in Minions paper.” He said, smiling. He set the present on the side of the couch and moved to get Dean’s big present, he had wrapped it in Iron Man wrapping paper, even if Dean would never admit it out loud, Iron Man was his favorite superhero. He set the present on Dean’s lap. “You go first.” He said, he couldn’t wait to see the look on Dean’s face. It was John Bonham’s jacket. It came with an official letter that was signed by someone in his family that was selling it. Cas didn’t know which member of the band he was, but he knew Dean was going to lose his mind.

He watched Dean tear into the paper that he had carefully spread across the present, and he set his eyes on the jacket, and then he caught sight of the letter. His eyes lit up. “Cas, you did not get me this!” He said, and Cas grinned. “I knew you’d love it. I was looking for some old vinyl on Ebay and I found that they were selling that.” He said, he had gotten him a few albums too, but he didn’t want to give that surprise away, those were over under the tree. He was immediately laughing as Dean covered his face in kisses. 

“I can’t believe you got this for me, Castiel Winchester, you spent way too much on me.” Dean said, he’d gotten Cas’ laptop on Black Friday and he’d gotten a very good deal. Dean leaned and kissed him again. “I can’t believe you got me John Bonham’s jacket.” He said, his voice in awe. Dean loved Led Zeppelin, it was one of his favorite bands. Dean couldn’t believe he was holding the drummer of Led Zeppelin’s jacket. He was going to wear it all the time. Dean loved leather jackets. 

“Okay, open yours.” Dean said, and kissed Cas again. “I love you, this was the perfect present.” He said, and set the box aside, so he could watch Cas open his present. “I promise, you’ll love it.” He said. He glanced over at his daughter, who was finished with all of her presents and was playing with the ones she’d managed to get open without parental help, and then he turned back to his husband. “Come on, open it.” Dean said, he was sitting on the edge of the couch he was so excited for Cas to open the present. 

Cas took a moment to appreciate the horrible wrapping job Dean had done, and opened the package. “Oh my God, Dean WInchester!” He said, his eyes widening as he took in the beautiful blue laptop. It was a Mac, and he was surprised that Dean had known what kind of laptop he liked. Cas loved how Dean knew what his favorite color was too. Cas brushed his hand over the box, amazed. “You did good, Dean. I can’t…. I can’t believe it. I’ve needed a new laptop for forever.” He said, looking at the box in awe. He couldn’t wait to open it and charge it up. Cas couldn’t wait to start writing his articles and things on a laptop that wouldn’t overheat while he was in the middle of a streak.

Leaning over, he kissed Dean. “You are the best husband that a man could ask for.” He said, he wasn’t sure that he could have done better than Dean. He was amazing. Cas moved to get some of Dean’s other presents, and they spent the next half hour or so opening things, and then Cas left Dean to put on his Van Halen vinyl and he went to start breakfast. Frankie was in the corner watching Finding Dory on Cas’ old laptop, which Cas had told her she could watch movies on if she was a good girl. She was using her new Belle headphones and was as happy as a clam. 

Later that afternoon, John, Ellen, Sam, and Jo all showed up at the house. Lucy had given her gifts to Frankie the day before, she had some friends she was spending the day with, Charlie had insisted that she not go see her. Frankie ran at John as soon as she saw him. “Grandpa! Santa came and brought me so many presents!” She squealed, as he swung her up into his arms. She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a Santa Claus sweater. She wrapped her arms around his neck joyfully. John and Ellen had brought over huge bags of presents that Dean and Sam were bringing in. 

“I know he did sweetheart, because you are a good girl.” John said, his tone softening as he looked into the face of his granddaughter. She was the most precious angel in the entire world according to John. John bounced her on his hip. Cas was in the kitchen cooking, and he knew that. “Castiel, we’re all here! Come and open gifts.” He called out, and smiled at his son in law when he came out of the kitchen wearing a kiss the cook apron. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a white dress shirt, and a red and green sweater vest. “You look handsome, Castiel.” John said, he didn’t call Cas Cas very often. 

“Thanks, Dad.” Cas said, leaning to kiss his father in law’s grizzly cheek. He leaned and hugged Ellen and Jo, and hugged Sam. John held onto Frankie as they all settled in the living room. Dean moved to start passing out gifts to his parents and Jo and Sam, and Sam was dishing out gifts for Dean, Cas, and Frankie from the rest of them. Frankie settled in on John’s lap and eagerly accepted presents from Ellen. Bobby was even coming, he was coming for dinner. Dean had been glad to invite him, Cas knew. He liked the wizened old man, he thought he was a good man. 

John said, “Hold on, everyone, Ellen and I have an announcement.” He shared a look with his girlfriend, who was sitting next to him on the couch. The kids all stopped to look at him. John looked at her a moment and then turned back to the kids. “Ellen and I have decided to get married.” He paused for a moment to let that sink in. Frankie looked at him confused. John touched her nose. “Your grandma Ellen and I are going to be married like your daddies.” He said, and she nodded. 

That’s when the room erupted in exclamations, and Jo and Cas wanting to see Ellen’s ring. Dean met John’s eyes. “Dad, I’m really happy for you.” He said, sharing a look with him. He knew that it had been a long time since John had been happy with someone. Dean liked Ellen, she was a wonderful woman. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He looked to Ellen. “Ellen, I know that you’re going to be good for Dad, and I am honored to call you my mom. I know that you’re never going to try and replace Mom, but you’re already family. Now it’ll just be legal.” 

Ellen’s eyes brushed with tears. She had known Dean and Sam for years, since they were young kids. She knew that they were good boys. She had been glad when John had originally asked her out, despite the fact that Jo and Sam were together, she knew that his sons would accept her and it wouldn’t be like most widowers had with new women in their children’s lives. “You’re a good kid, Dean.” She told him, and everyone proceeded to open gifts. Ellen knew she was lucky. Jo’s father had died when Jo was a girl, and she had thought that she would never love again. And now she knew that she did. She watched Frankie help John open presents, before she opened her own. That was a good girl. She didn’t envy Dean having to tell her about her mother when it happened.

When everyone was finished, the living room was covered in paper and Frankie was running around giggling playing with John. Cas was in the kitchen with Jo cooking. It was almost time to eat. That’s when the doorbell rang, and Dean answered it happily. “Hey, Bobby.” He said, stepping back to let him in. He was carrying a dish, they had told him not to worry about presents, they knew that he wasn’t exactly flush. Dean was glad he’d come. “What did you bring? Cas is gonna flip, he told you not to bring anything.” Dean said, as he closed the door behind Bobby. 

“I made sweet potatoes, I know it’s Ellen’s favorite.” Dean was glad that Bobby had thought of Ellen, but he wondered if Bobby had ulterior motives. He didn’t think that he’d do it on purpose, but it could be subconscious on his part. Dean accepted the dish and said, “Everyone’s in the living room, go on in, I’ll take this into Cas.” He waited until Bobby had gone into the living room, and he went into the kitchen. “Hey, Cas, Bobby brought sweet potatoes.” He said, setting it on the counter. Things were almost done, and Dean was glad because he was starving. 

“I told him you said not to bring anything, I swear.” Dean said, he looked at Cas, who was finishing up with the mashed potatoes. Cas looked so sexy when he was cooking. Dean moved to wrap his arms around his waist. “You look so sexy when you’re cooking.” Dean said, pressing a kiss to Cas’ neck. He loved the smell of Cas’ neck, he was always wearing cologne, but there was just an innate Cas smell that he loved. 

Cas shivered when he felt Dean’s breath on his neck. “You’re impeding the cooking process, Dean.” He said, but he really didn’t mind. He was so glad that Dean was in here with him. “It’s time to get everything on the table, would you go and ask Sam to help, Jo?” He asked, his face still red from how close Dean was. She winked at him and headed out of the room. Cas shivered again as Dean’s lips closed over his throat again. “You’re starting something you can’t finish, Dean Winchester.” He said, turning to look at Dean. 

He wasn’t able to keep from kissing him though, turning in Dean’s arms and wrapping his around his husband’s neck. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do if something happened to Dean. Cas knew he couldn’t think that way when he was in his husband’s arms. Cas shivered again as Dean’s hands moved up under Cas’ shirt and stroked the small of his back. “I love you so much, Dean.” Cas said, it had truly been a magical Christmas. Before Dean could say anything more, the phone rang. Cas separated from him to answer it. “Winchester residence.” He said, wondering who could be calling on Christmas. Then he heard the voice of Charlie’s nurse. Oh shit. Cas wondered if he was going to want to hear what she had to say. 

The whole conversation took just a couple of minutes. Cas hung up, his face white. “Dean….. That was Charlie’s nurse.” He said, he didn’t want to have to tell him this. It had been such a good Christmas, why was this happening? Dean met his eyes, his own starting to fill with tears. Cas took a deep breath. “She’s gone.” He said, his voice was barely above a whisper. He knew that he was going to have to suck it up, he didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas. How was he going to get through this? How was Dean? It wasn’t fair. He was glad that the hospital had let them know, and wondered if that had been one of Charlie’s directives.

The news hit Dean like a ton of bricks. He had had his issues with Charlie, of course, but he hadn’t wanted this. Dean wasn’t sure how they were going to make it through the rest of the holiday without letting on that they knew. Dean looked out the window, trying to form his thoughts. He wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t know how we’re going to get through this.” He said, his voice rough with the unshed tears that he was holding back. “Frankie is going to be devastated. I know we talked about what we were going to say when it happened….. But I have no idea what to tell her.” 

He knew that he couldn’t tell her today. He knew that he didn’t want to ruin Frankie’s Christmas. She was having the time of her life. It really wasn’t fair. Dean brushed his hand across his chin. “Okay. We can’t tell everyone right now. I can’t ruin everyone’s holiday.” He said, shaking his head. He couldn’t believe that he was going to have to tell his daughter that her mother was gone. It wasn’t fair. He kept coming back to that. It wasn’t something he had thought would really happen. Charlie had been a fighter. It was one of the things that had drawn Dean to her in the first place. 

“We’ve got to do our best to put on a happy face. I can’t do that to Frankie.” Dean said, taking a deep breath and swallowing the lump that was rising in his throat. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and hugged him, his head going to Cas’ neck. He took a deep sniff of his husband, and he started to feel that he was calming down. Dean wasn’t looking forward to telling Frankie, but he knew they could make it through the dinner and the rest of the holiday. Dean knew that he could. He would do it for his daughter. She deserved a good Christmas. 

“What’s wrong?” Jo asked, as she and Sam came into the kitchen. She could feel the tension in the room. Jo watched as Dean lifted his head to look at her. He’d been crying. Jo wondered what was going on. “Dean?” She asked, stepping closer. Dean shook his head, and she knew he wasn’t going to say anything. Jo shared a look with Cas, who also shook his head. He put on a brave smile and told them what to grab to take to the table. Jo knew something was wrong, and she knew that they weren’t going to be able to hide it for too long. Dean’s hands were shaking as he reached for the bowl of potatoes. 

As soon as Dean and Cas had walked out of the kitchen, Jo turned to Sam. “Something is wrong, Sam. I’m worried.” She said, and Sam touched her shoulder. Jo let him for a moment and then said, “Come on, let’s not ruin anyone’s Christmas.” She said, grabbing the rolls and the sweet potatoes Bobby had brought. She was glad he’d brought them, actually, Cas hadn’t been planning on making any. It was her mother’s favorite. Jo wondered if it was Charlie. It was the only thing she could think of. There was nothing else that it could be, no one else would be calling on Christmas. If it was something that was related to Dean, it would have been that he’d gotten a heart. Nothing else had happened to him, other than he was supposed to be taking it easy. 

The dinner table was crowded and noisy, and Dean watched everyone quietly. Frankie was holding court in the middle of John and Cas, whenever John was over they couldn’t get her away from him. She was totally enamored with him. Dean couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was going to have to tell her that her mother was gone. He still didn’t know what he was going to say about it. They hadn’t decided on the best way. Dean had thought they’d have more time to decide. Dean didn’t know the best way to tell her. He did know what it was like to lose your mother, though, and he knew that he could help her through this. He had been about her age when Mary had died. 

Dean wished that he didn’t have to tell her. They had agreed not today, not even at her bedtime. She was so energized, Dean knew that it was going to be awhile before she got tired. Dean knew he wasn’t doing a good job of projecting a good mood, he knew that he could tell that John knew something was going on. And Jo definitely knew something was up. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do if one of them actually asked him again what was going on. Dean knew that Jo was going to wait, but John wasn’t one to keep things to himself. He always made sure that he got Dean to talk about things he didn’t want to talk about. 

He excused himself, and went into the living room. It was covered in gifts, but the wrapping paper had been gathered up in a trash bag, he was definitely Felix. Dean stared out the window. It was Texas. He had lived here his entire life. Dean hadn’t ever wanted to go anywhere else. He wasn’t sure why anyone would want to live somewhere that wasn’t Texas. Dallas was the place where all of his big milestones had happened. Dean wasn’t sure what was going to happen now and it was scaring him. 

“Charlie’s gone, isn’t she?” John said, as he entered the room. Dean turned around, and John knew as soon as he looked at him that he was right. It had taken a lot to keep Frankie in the dining room with everyone else. John folded his arms, and stepped closer to his son. “You’re not so good at hiding things, Dean. You don’t have to deal with this alone.” John knew what it was like to have a child who lost a parent. He knew that this was a more complicated situation. He was often wondering if Lucy was going to let Dean and Cas keep Frankie. Not that she had much of a choice. Dean was Frankie’s father. The Cas adopting Frankie process had already begun, too. 

“You don’t have to tell her right away. She’s young. She’s not going to be mad at you if you wait. I know Charlie set this all up so that there wasn’t going to be a funeral or anything like that.” John knew Dean didn’t want to have to deal with this. He knew that. John didn’t envy him, but he knew exactly how Dean felt. It had been the way he’d felt when he’d had to tell Dean that Mary was gone. Sam had been a baby, they hadn’t had to deal with it for awhile. John didn’t know what Dean was going to say, but what was there to say? A little girl’s mother was gone. She was going to have to grow up without her. 

“I know that you’re scared to tell her. That’s not going to go away, Dean. I’m going to tell you that now. It’s going to get harder the more you think about it. She’s young. She’s not going to really understand death. What you say is important, but just know that you’re going to have to do it all again when she is able to understand what happened. So what you say now isn’t so important. Because you’re just going to have to do it again.” 

Dean listened to his father, and he knew that he needed to learn to appreciate his father more. Dean wasn’t able to keep his voice from wobbling when he said, “How did you do it, Dad? How did you tell me about Mom? I barely remember… but I do remember that you were so broken. I’m… it’s not the same for me. I wasn’t in love with Charlie. Maybe years ago I was, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love till Cas. But I have a child with her. I may have my issues with her, that she had my baby and didn’t tell me, that she waited till she wasn’t long for this world before she brought her to me…. But she’s my child’s mother. The only mother she is ever going to have, because Cas and I are forever.”

“No matter what happens to me….. Cas is my soulmate. I know that we were meant to be together. That night that I went into Harvelle’s I was just looking for a hookup…. But I found the rest of my life.” Dean said, his voice wobbling. “This Christmas was perfect. Cas and I got each other the best gifts, and Frankie was totally spoiled and she thought Santa brought it all. And now I have to tell her that her mother’s gone.” He felt anger boiling up in his stomach. “I’m so… I am so mad at her. Why did she do this? Why did she take so long to tell me that I have a daughter? I don’t know how she could do this to me. What if Frankie hates me because I’m the one who tells her? I’m dying, and I can’t die with my daughter hating me.” 

He knew he wasn’t supposed to be getting upset, and he could feel himself getting upset. He could feel a panic attack coming on. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do. That was just making the panic attack worse. He tried to take a breath, and he reached out for the couch, it was closest. He didn’t even know what he was going to do if he couldn’t calm down. He forgot his father was even in the room. Cas was in the room and his arms were around him before Dean even knew what happened. 

Cas pulled Dean to him, and shared a look with John. John had immediately gone to get him when he’d seen Dean starting to freak out. Cas held his gaze for a moment, and then John left them alone, going back to the dining room where there was still laughter going on. Cas hated that Dean was crying, and he hated that Dean was having a panic attack. “Dean. it’s going to be okay.” He said, Dean’s face was buried in Cas’ chest. He stroked Dean’s back. “I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, but I know that we are. We will figure out what to tell our daughter.” Cas said, resting his head on top of Dean’s head. He held Dean close, not sure what he was going to do if Dean couldn’t calm down. He had to make him calm down. He wasn’t supposed to get upset like this. 

Cas’ heart was breaking as he listened to Dean trying to catch his breath. It was hitching, and he shouldn’t be having such trouble. Cas wondered if Dean had had these panic attacks before he’d come along. Cas hated to think that he had, he hated to think of Dean freaking out and no one being there to help him calm down. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do to get him to calm down. “You can’t be freaking out like this, Dean. It’s bad for your heart. You can’t do anything about it right now. We agreed to keep it to ourselves for now. I wish that it hadn’t happened, and I know you do. It’s not going to be easy to tell her, but we don’t have to do it today.”

None of that was going to calm Dean down. Cas didn’t know what he was going to say. “Dean, I know that you’re having a hard time calming down…. But you have to. You have to. Do you want to die? Because if you don’t, that is what is going to happen. You got a bum’s rush when it comes to hearts, but until we get you a new one, and we will, you have to relax. Take deep breaths, focus on me. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” Cas knew that Dean wasn’t going to like hearing that, but it was going to help. He was sure. It was what Dean needed to hear. 

“And think of this, Frankie could come in at any moment. You don’t want to have her see you like t his.” He said, and somehow he knew that was the exact right thing to say. 

A struggling breath came out, and Dean finally started to feel like the Earth wasn’t spinning too fast. He took another breath, and this one wasn’t ragged. It was deep and clear. He kept his face buried in Cas’ chest. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew that he couldn’t keep this up, Cas was right. Frankie could come in and see him upset and he didn’t want that. Dean wanted this to not touch her for as long as possible. Dean finally lifted his head, and looked Cas in his blue eyes, that was like looking into the sky. He didn’t think there was anything quite like looking into Cas’ eyes. 

“I don’t know what to say to her. What if she hates me? What if she takes all the anger and puts it on me? I mean, I know that she won’t right now but she might later in life.” Dean didn’t want Frankie to hate him. He knew it was going to happen, because he had hated John at certain times in his life. He knew that Frankie was going to do the same thing. Everyone hating their parents was just something that happened. He wished that he could control more than he could, He knew that’s why he was freaking out so much. He didn’t have control. 

Cas was glad that Dean was starting to calm down. He didn’t know what he was going to do about telling Frankie either, but he knew that they would figure it out together. Cas knew that it was going to be hard, but he knew that he didn’t want to obsess over what they told her. She wasn’t going to be hurt if they didn’t tell her right away. Cas thought they should wait till the holidays were over, she was so young and she hadn’t asked after Charlie very often. Cas knew that was just because she still thought that she was just visiting Cas and Dean for awhile. Charlie had told her that she’d be visiting Dean and Cas for awhile. 

“Dean, you can’t worry too much about that right now. Every child goes through a phase where they hate their parents. You can’t change that. It’s a rite of passage. But right now, she loves you, and she will for awhile. You are an amazing father, Dean. You are going to be great. I truly believe that had you been given the opportunity before now you would have risen to the occasion. You aren’t perfect, but I know that Frankie loves you. You are her father. When you can’t tuck her in for whatever reason she always asks after you. I know you think that she loves me more than she loves you, but it’s not true.” Cas was rewarded with a soft smile playing on his husband’s lips. He loved that he was able to make Dean smile. 

“Daddy!” Frankie said, running into the living room. She crawled into Dean’s lap. “Can I spend the night with Grandpa and Grandma?” She asked, since she had been staying with Dean and Cas she hadn’t stayed away from them for a night. Dean looked at her, wondering what to say. He looked over at Cas, who gave him a look, telling him it was his decision. “It’s okay with me, if it’s okay with Grandpa and Grandma.” He said, and she grinned and told him she’d already asked them if it was okay. 

Then she took Cas’ hand, to go and help her pack a bag for the overnight. Dean wondered if that meant they were leaving now. He got up and went to the dining room, where Jo and Sam were cleaning up, and Dean saw John moving to help too. “Are you heading out now?” Dean asked, wondering if they were going to stay any longer, Dean was hoping that they could all watch a holiday movie together. Even though Dean would never admit it out loud, White Christmas was his favorite Christmas movie. He always sang along to the songs, and Sam usually liked to tease him even though Dean had an amazing voice. 

John looked over at him. Ellen had gone to start taking things out to the car. “Yeah, we’re going to take off. We thought that you and Cas might like a break, so I asked Frankie to ask your permission to stay over with us. The two of you really need a break, just to be together. It’s different, when you have kids. It’s harder to get moments to yourselves. You need to relax. Dean, I know that you think it doesn’t matter, but you being stressed out isn’t helping anything. You need to take some time and relax. I know that you’re trying to abide by what your doctors are telling you, but being stressed out is bad for your heart too.” 

He knew that Dean wasn’t going to want to hear that, but it was important that he tell him. “So Ellen and I are going to take Frankie home and let her spend as much of the day tomorrow with us too and you and Cas sleep in, binge watch some of those blurays you got, let Cas play around with his new laptop, and just be together. I’m worried about you. I haven’t known you to get panic attacks since you were a kid. If you’re getting them now, you need to relax. You have to relax.” He said, he wished that he could change things for Dean, but he knew that wasn’t possible. His eyes brushed with tears as he looked at Dean. “You having a bum ticker might be my fault, and I am going to do my damnedest to make sure that you live.” 

Dean’s eyes filled with tears too. “Dad, I don’t want you to blame yourself. I know that these things can be hereditary, but that doesn’t mean that you passed it on to me.” He said. John was not a crier, not by a long shot. He didn’t know that he didn’t feel guilty for making that happen. He was glad that Jo and Sam were in the kitchen, working on loading the dishwasher. He knew that John wouldn’t have wanted Sam to see him this way, John had always tried to be the strong one for Sam. Dean had often wondered why he hadn’t ever let Sam see him as anything but a strong man. He thought that Sam would respect John more for letting him see the real him. 

“Dad, I know that you’re trying to help me. I know that. And if Frankie wants to spend the night I’m all for that.” Dean said, his words halting. He didn’t know how to explain that he couldn’t stand the thought of being away from Frankie right now. He knew that it was an irrational fear though, he knew that she was going to be fine. She was too young to understand what had happened with Charlie. Dean was just so scared that everything was going to change. He couldn’t have changes. He normally didn’t mind changes, he rolled with the punches. But his life had never been this good before. He couldn’t stand the thought of it getting worse. 

Before he could say anything more, in a matter of minutes, Frankie came out with her little Belle suitcase, and her Rapunzel duffle bag, and John and Ellen had left with their things and his daughter. Dean watched from the door, and Jo and Sam took off too, now that the cleanup was all handled. Cas watched till Frankie was in John’s truck with Ellen, and then he went to get changed. Dean stood at the door, bracing himself against the cold, watching as the truck pulled out of the driveway and down the street. 

It was something he couldn’t put his finger on, but he was worried. Dean He didn’t know what he was going to do if he couldn’t figure it out. Dean knew it was crazy and irrational, but he really wished that he hadn’t let Frankie go with John and Ellen. He knew that she’d be fine, but he couldn’t stop worrying. He knew it was insane. He told himself to stop being such a worrywort, which he had never been, but he was paranoid. Dean had been paranoid his whole life, and he wasn’t really sure why. He closed the door, and went to find his husband. He was going to take advantage of being alone with him. 

_I pray on Christmas_  
That the Lord will see me through  
I pray on Christmas  
He’ll show me what to do 

_I pray on Christmas_  
He’ll help me understand  
And I pray on Christmas  
He’ll take me by the hand 

_I pray on Christmas_  
That the sick will soon be strong  
I pray on Christmas  
The Lord will hear my song 

_I pray on Christmas_  
That God will lead the way  
And I pray on Christmas  
He’ll get me through another day 

_He’ll get me through another day_

 

_**Author’s note: SO. I am so glad I got this up on Christmas. I hope it wasn’t too sad…. But I warned that this was gonna be angsty. I think there might be a legal battle, I’m thinking Lucy’s gonna freak out in her grief. Just a head’s up. And if ya’ll have any suggestions as to how Destiel should tell their daughter about Charlie, offer them up. I haven’t quite decided yet. I think the next chapter is gonna focus on New Year’s, and I’m not sure if it’ll be up by New Year’s or not, I’ve got a procedure on the 30th, and it’s something that’s gonna be super stressful for me, so I might need some time to recover. But I am sure I will be writing some before then, so we’ll see! I hope ya’ll enjoyed and you’re still hanging in!** _


	9. Gone Too Soon

Chapter Nine: Gone Too Soon 

New Year’s Eve was a beautiful sunny day. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do. Frankie was spending the night with John and Ellen, because they weren’t going out, and she had asked to ring in the new year with them. Cas and Dean were supposed to be going out with Jo and Sam. Although Dean thought that was a bit depressing, because he couldn’t drink and neither could Jo. Cas had called it an exercise in futility, which Dean wasn’t sure that he got, honestly. But he didn’t really have the same vocabulary as Cas did. 

The doorbell rang, and Dean wondered who it was. They still had a few hours before Jo and Sam were going to arrive, and Frankie was already at John and Ellen’s. Dean went to the door. When he opened it, he saw Lucy. “Um, hey, Lucy.” They had told Frankie the day before that her mother had gone to be with Jesus, because they knew that she was a believer in God. She had been sad, and she had asked when she’d be able to see Charlie again. They had told her that she wasn’t going to be able to see her anymore. Frankie had taken that with a sad expression. She hadn’t mentioned her since, but she also didn’t seem to be upset, either. Cas thought that she just didn’t understand, and they’d have to have the conversation again, but Dean thought she got it and just didn’t know how to express her feelings. 

Stepping back to let her in, Dean said, “Frankie’s at my parents’. What can I do for you?” He asked, wondering why she was here. They hadn’t spoken since they’d gotten the call about Charlie, and Dean had to admit, he was nervous about her being here. 

Lucy knew Dean wasn’t going to like why she was here. She had contacted a lawyer the day before, and she had told him she wanted to try and get Frankie away from Dean and Cas. She had told him it was going to be next to impossible, because Dean was the biological father, and Cas had already adopted Frankie, and Charlie had named Dean and Cas her parents in the will. Lucy knew that she didn’t really have a leg to stand on, because she was bisexual herself, but she was going to use the defense that Dean and Cas shouldn’t be able to be Frankie’s parents. 

Her lawyer had warned her not to be the one to tell Dean and Cas about her plans, but a part of her didn’t want them to be caught off guard. Lucy reached into her purse and pulled out the papers. She handed them to Dean. “Those are papers informing you that I am seeking full custody of Frankie.” She said, and watched his eyes widen, but she also saw in his face a knowing look, like he’d been expecting this. “It’s nothing personal, Dean, but I think she’ll be better off with me.” She knew that sounded insane, because she knew that Frankie was happy with Dean and Cas. She knew that, whenever she was able to have some time alone with her niece she couldn’t shut up about them. Lucy had to admit, some of her might be doing this because of jealousy. 

Dean’s temper immediately flared, especially when she said it was nothing personal. “Of course this is personal, Lucy! You’re mad that Charlie made sure that no one could take Frankie away from us. She’s my daughter, Lucy. I’m not going to let you just try and take her away! You can’t prove that we’re unfit parents, which is the only way you have to go on. I’m Frankie’s biological parent, and Cas’ adoption of her has already gone through. It helps to have friends in high places.” He didn’t know how she could do this, how she thought she could get away with it. The Winchester name was very well known in Dallas, and they had lots of friends in high places. She must be insane.

“You are doing this out of spite. It’s not my fault that I wasn’t in my daughter’s life till now. Charlie never told me about her. It’s not fair for you to try and take her away now. We’ve never tried to keep her from you. We have been open and honest, we’ve tried to get along with you. You’re Frankie’s aunt, and we didn’t want to just have you disappear from her life without any warning.” Dean didn’t know how she could live with herself, doing this. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. Cas was still asleep, and he hoped that he wasn’t going to wake him up with his tone. “If you think I’m going to let you take her from me, you’re off your rocker. I’m not going to let you take her from me.” 

He couldn’t say he was surprised that she was trying this. He really wasn’t a bit surprised. He had been worried about that since he’d gotten Frankie from Charlie. He knew that she didn’t have too much of a leg to stand on, he and Cas were perfectly fit parents, and they had several people that would testify to that fact. Dean also knew that she couldn’t use the defense that they were unfit because they were two men, because she was a bisexual herself. It also wasn’t something that she had been hiding. Everyone knew about it. “You have no leg to stand on.” Dean told her firmly. 

Lucy knew she was a heel for doing this. She knew that. She missed her sister something fierce. She had gotten a call on Christmas just as Dean and Cas had. She knew that Charlie had wanted Dean to have Frankie. Charlie had always felt guilty that she had been keeping Dean from his daughter. She knew that Charlie wouldn’t be a fan of her doing this. Lucy knew that she was going against her sister’s wishes. She didn’t feel good about it. But a part of her knew that this was what she had to do. 

“I am not going to let you keep Frankie, Dean. You may not have been aware of her existence, but you weren’t in her life till now. I have a lawyer who is going to fight tooth and nail for me to get custody of her. I don’t want to do this to you, not really. If it turns out in my favor, I’ll never keep you from her. But I know that this is the right thing to do.” She knew that Dean might possibly bring up the fact that she was also a bisexual, and that she could very well enter into a same sex relationship herself. She wasn’t sure that she could defend herself on that front. She knew that she was being a hypocrite. Lucy didn’t feel completely good about this. 

She couldn’t be serious. Dean folded his arms, as he heard movements around in the bedroom. He knew Cas was getting up. Dean met her brown eyes. “You aren’t going to get away with this. You can’t claim that Cas and I aren’t fit parents, because you are bisexual yourself. Your only argument is that Cas and I are in a same sex relationship. You may not be in one right now, but I know that you lean more towards women than you do men. You are just as likely to be in a same sex relationship.” Dean said, keeping her gaze defiantly. Dean had never imagined that this would be how his family would be. But now that he had it, he wasn’t going to give it up without a fight.

Before he could say anything more, Cas came walking up, wearing a pair of Dean’s Cowboys sweatpants and a Cowboys tee shirt. Cas yawned and then his blue eyes set on Lucy. Dean turned to look at his husband. “Lucy’s here because she’s serving us papers that she’s trying to get custody of our daughter.” Dean said, and was rewarded when Cas immediately turned angry. Dean didn’t know that Cas was surprised, either, it had been a worry, something that they’d thought she might try for awhile now. Dean already had a lawyer, all he had to do was call her. She had gotten him out of some jams before. 

“You can’t be serious, Lucy.” Cas said, stepping up beside his husband. Cas hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that Lucy would ty this, and he wasn’t surprised now that she was. He also knew that Charlie wouldn’t have wanted her to do this. “You can’t think that Charlie would want you to do this, Lucy. She made sure that no one could try and take Frankie away from Dean and me.” Cas said, he had a four o’clock shadow going on, he had to shave. Dean preferred him more clean shaven. He was doing his best not to hit Lucy. He knew that that would be uncalled for, and normally, Cas wasn’t a violent person. However, this was making him want to be. Cas hadn’t ever thought that he would actually have a child, and he knew that he wasn’t going to let Lucy take her from them. 

“Also, Dean’s family has more sway in this town than you do. You’re going to be wasting your money doing this. There isn’t a judge in this town who hasn’t worked with Dean’s father.” Cas said, watching Lucy’s face as he spoke. She seemed calm, but Cas could tell that she did feel guilty about what she was doing. “John is a highly decorated detective, and actually, he’s in line to get his own precinct to run.” Cas said, that was a new development, and he wasn’t sure if Dean knew or not. He watched Lucy’s eyes widen, that was news to her. Cas brushed his hand through his black hair. 

“We’re not going to take this lying down.” Cas told her, folding his arms tightly. He knew that she wasn’t expecting them to take it lying down, by the expression on her face. 

“This isn’t personal, Cas.” Lucy said, she knew that that wasn’t going to make a bit of difference to Cas. She didn’t know how to make it better, what she was doing. Lucy knew that there was only one way, and that was dropping the suit. She knew that she wasn’t going to do that though. She may be fighting an uphill battle, but she was going to keep fighting. She was going to do what she could to get her niece. “I don’t want to hurt you, believe it or not.” Lucy said, and she knew that that sounded incredibly hypocritical and that she was lying. Lucy didn’t know what else to say. It was all going to sound like she wasn’t telling the truth. 

“I know you don’t believe me. But that’s okay. We aren’t going to do the thing that is the passive aggressive thing.” Lucy said, she was regretting being the one to tell them that she had started this in motion. She should have listened to her lawyer. Cas had made some good points, too, she wished that she had thought of the judges in town all knowing John Winchester. Lucy knew that was going to be a problem. She knew that there was something that she could do though, her lawyer was willing to do what it took. Lucy was prepared to fight this as hard as she could. 

Cas set his jaw. “Just go.” He said, there was no point in talking about this anymore than they already had. Lucy was doing this, and there was no point in discussing it without lawyers present any longer. “You don’t have anything more to say, and even if you did, we’re not going to listen.” Cas said, going to the door and opening it, waiting for her to step through and go outside. “If you have anything else to say to us, you can have your lawyer say it to us. And don’t think you’re going to be seeing Frankie. You have proven that you can’t be trusted, and we’re not going to give you the opportunity to keep her from us.” 

He would call the cops in a minute of she tried to run off with Frankie, and he hoped that she knew that. Cas watched her step onto the porch, and once she was outside, he slammed the door shut in her face. Cas turned to look at Dean. He couldn’t believe that she was doing this. How could she do this to them? “She’s not going to take our daughter from us.” Cas told Dean, stepping closer to him, and wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck. 

Dean nodded, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist. “I know she’s not. There’s no way it’s going to happen. There isn’t a judge in this town who doesn’t like Dad. I’ll admit, I had some trouble in my youth, and there are some judges that don’t like me, but with Dad going to bat with us, there’s no way she’ll get custody.” Dean said, he knew that without a shadow of a doubt. This was going to end in their favor. Dean sighed, he was more angry than he was letting on. He didn’t know what he was going to do if they came upon a judge that was holding a grudge against him. There were judges in town that did have some against him. 

“I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I pissed off a lot of judges. There are some who are definitely going to be on Lucy’s side. But we’ve got Dad. Dad will never let her get away with this.” Dean didn’t know what he was going to do if they ran into one who wasn’t going to be able to be impartial when it came to Dean. There was always the option of getting the judge removed from the case, but that was hard to prove. Dean didn’t know that he could handle this, but he knew that he was going to fight tooth and nail to keep custody of his daughter. 

Cas looked directly into his husband’s eyes. “We are not going to lose Frankie. You know Lucy doesn’t have a leg to stand on. She has to say that we’re unfit, and you know that she doesn’t have any proof of that. We’ve got right on our side, Dean. Frankie loves both of us, and she wants to be with us. She loves Lucy, but she wouldn’t be happy being with her all the time. Frankie has been very happy with us, and you know that. You and I are going to raise her. I know it’s true.” He said, keeping his arms tight around Dean. 

“This is going to work out for us, I know it will.” Cas knew this was the worst news they could have gotten, and Cas was glad that he’d gotten in some shots to Lucy about Charlie’s wishes. He hadn’t known her personally, but he knew that Dean did, and he trusted Dean’s opinion explicitly. He didn’t know what Lucy could possibly be thinking. It’s not as if she had a legal leg to stand on. Cas didn’t know which lawyer she’d gotten that was willing to take this on, but Cas was going to give her a fight if she wanted one. 

“Come on, I’ll fix us some lunch.” Cas was looking forward to going out with Jo and Sam, even if it was an exercise in futility. He knew that Dean was going to most likely be depressed that he was out and couldn’t drink, but Cas knew that he would go because he knew Cas wanted to go. Cas thought they should take advantage of having some time to themselves, since Frankie was at John and Ellen’s. 

Dean let Cas lead him into the kitchen. He wondered if they were finally going to get some luck that was good. So far it had been a shit storm of bad things. The only good thing was that they were still together. They were rock solid, that was the silver lining. Dean moved to get some soda out of the fridge, he didn’t know what Cas was going to fix, but he was trying to focus on that and not the fact that Lucy was doing something that they had been fearing that she would do. Dean cracked it open and watched as Cas started to move around the kitchen. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do about paying for the lawyer. It’s not as if he was working right now, and it’s not as if he had been a Rockefeller before he had stopped working. Dean didn’t want Cas to pay for it, Dean was an old fashioned guy, he believed in joint accounts for married people, but that didn’t mean that he wanted the majority of it to come from Cas’ income. 

“What are you going to fix?” Dean asked, doing his best to sound confident. Cas had told him that there wasn’t anything he could do about Frankie possibly hating him in the future, so it was pointless to worry about it. Dean had done all he could do, and he knew that Cas was right. There wasn’t anything more they could do right now, they couldn’t even call the lawyer, since it was still a holiday. Dean took a sip as he watched Cas move around. He was taking out cans of soup, and Dean wondered what kind they were, he couldn’t see the labels.

“Chicken soup and sandwiches, it’s something simple. Plus, you’ve got this wheeze from the cold weather, I think you’re getting a cold. We have to be careful that you don’t get sick, you could get worse.” Cas knew that Dean didn’t want to hear that, but Cas wasn’t going to let him get a cold. He was going to make sure that he took care of things before it turned into a full blown cold. Cas opened the cans and put them in a pan on the stove. He didn’t do the microwave thing. He never had. Cas had endless patience. He was trying to teach Dean some patience. So far it wasn’t having the desired effect. 

Cas hummed under his breath, the house was so quiet when it was just the two of them. Frankie tended to listen to music loudly, and he had to admit, he missed hearing the children’s versions of Katy Perry that she tended to listen to. Cas wasn’t usually a pop music fan, he preferred classic rock, it was one of the things that he and Dean had in common, but he loved to hear Frankie singing along to the edited lyrics. He knew that Dean hated that she was into Katy Perry, and Taylor Swift. But Cas knew how old school Dean was. He was so like John in that way, whether he wanted to admit it or not. Cas turned to look at Dean after the soup was on the stove. 

“What kind of sandwich do you want? We just got some new cold cuts, chicken and turkey.” 

Dean mulled this over. “Do we have tuna fish?” He asked, tuna fish was his favorite sandwich to have with chicken noodle soup. He didn’t really know why. It was just something that was leftover from his childhood. “Cause that’s my favorite sandwich to have with chicken noodle soup. Plus, tuna fish isn’t so bad for you.” Dean was trying to abide by his doctors’ rules, whether he liked it or not. It wasn’t just him anymore. He was going to have to take care of himself now, there were people who counted on him. 

When Cas told him there was tuna fish, Dean gave him a smile. He reached for his tablet, looking for the paper. He wanted to see what was going on in the world. Although this year had been a shit storm, there hadn’t really been a break from the never ending torment, except Cas. Dean called up the app for the Dallas paper, and started to look through the articles. Dean didn’t necessarily want to read any of them, unless there was something that looked interesting. He wondered if he’d see something with Cas’ name on the byline. Dean hadn’t been paying too much attention to Cas’ writing, mostly because Cas had asked him not to make too much of a fuss. 

It didn’t take too long for the soup to be heated up and the sandwiches made, and Cas set the food down on the table, he’d warmed up two family size cans, he knew that Dean had an appetite on him. Plus, if he really was getting sick, the more soup the better. “Make sure you eat the broth, too.” He said. Dean rolled his eyes, but Cas knew that he would. Cas was a mother hen, it was what he was good at. He had always needed someone to take care of. Cas was beyond happy that he finally had someone to take care of in his life. Dean and Frankie. 

He had prayed to God for so long for a family of his own. And Cas had finally gotten that family. Not only did he have a husband and a child, but his husband’s family had welcomed them into their family with open arms. Castiel knew it was because he had treated Dean well, and had proven that he would do anything for Dean. Cas knew that that was going to go a long way with John and Ellen, and definitely with Jo and Sam, too. Cas wondered if his brothers were ever going to come around. Most of them still lived in England. Cas had been the only one with a longing to go to America. 

Dean brushed his hand through his hair. “Smells good, babe.” He said, as he pulled up an article on Sam, apparently his getting into a fight was still news. Dean skimmed it, it was nothing new, except that Sam had a court date coming up after the holidays. Dean was sure that Sam was going to get off easy, it’s not as if he had a record. Dean was the one who would be screwed if it was him. He then had a shocking realization, Sam’s legal trouble could spell bad news for their custody battle. They were going to go through all of the skeletons in the Winchester closet. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do if Sam’s fight hurt them. Of course, he believed Jo that it had been self defense. The guy had not been taking no for an answer. 

“You know, I just thought of something. I know that it’s not Sam’s fault, since Balthazar wasn’t taking no for an answer, but his legal trouble could spell bad news for us with this custody thing.” Dean said, as Cas was spooning soup into Dean’s bowl. Dean got up to get another soda, he had to drink Diet and it was very annoying. Dean preferred the full sugar that regular soda offered. Dean was someone who had always eaten things that were bad for you, and now this was hard for him to eat more healthy. He knew that it was what he had to do though. Dean knew that once he got his new heart he could relax a bit on that, and right now it was just hard to play by the rules. 

Cas filled his own bowl. “It’s okay, Dean, we’re going to be fine.” He promised. “There’s witnesses that will testify that he was being very aggressive.” He said, watching as Dean moved to sit back down at the table. Cas wondered if they had to really worry about the man. Jo was terrified of him, and she was not a girl who was terrified easily. Cas wondered if he should have a talk with him. Of course, he wasn’t supposed to go into Harvelle’s, according to Ellen. She had made sure to exercise her right to refuse to serve him. Cas wasn’t sure how he was going to talk to Balthazar if he wasn’t able to come into Harvelle’s. Cas didn’t want to just show up at his house, because he didn’t want to give the man reason to call the cops or anything like that. 

“We’ll make it through this. I don’t know what is going to happen with Sam and Balthazar, but I do know that there’s enough evidence to prove that Sam was just trying to keep Jo safe.” Cas wondered if Sam and John had ever had a talk about that. If they had settled things. Cas knew that John was still disappointed in Sam, he could tell sometimes with the way John looked at him. Cas knew that Sam felt bad enough about being the one to throw the first punch without John making him feel guilty for it. 

“I know you don’t want to go out tonight, I appreciate you agreeing to go.” Cas said, taking a bite of his soup. 

Dean was glad that Cas seemed to think Sam’s legal trouble wasn’t going to cause trouble for them. Dean was also glad for the changing of the subject. Dean blew on his spoonful of soup before he took it in his mouth. “I don’t know that I am going to have fun, but I know that you really want to go. And Dad’s right, we need to take some time for us every now and then.” Dean knew that keeping his stress level down was a complete necessity. Whether he wanted to admit it out loud or not. Dean was just surprised that Ellen hadn’t been able to talk John into going to some party one of their friends was throwing. Bobby usually had a huge NYE blowout. Dean could barely remember the last one he’d been so wasted. He was pretty sure he’d had a hookup, and he was fairly certain that he didn’t know who it was, to this day.

“I’m just surprised Bobby’s not throwing his usual NYE party. Dad always goes. Ellen hasn’t even been to one that I know of. Although she and Bobby slept together once, years ago, after Jo’s dad died. I think that’s part of the reason he hasn’t been around as much. Dad doesn’t know about that. Not that he could really get upset, since he wasn’t with Ellen when it happened, but he’d be pissed that it was kept from him.” Dean said, taking a bite of his sandwich. When he was done chewing, he said, “I think Bobby has a thing for Ellen, and that’s another reason he hasn’t been hanging around with us lately. I mean, a lot of it has to do with his wife, but I think some of it has to do with Ellen too.”

Cas was surprised at Dean’s insight. Not because Dean wasn’t smart, but because Dean had paid attention enough to have some insight. Dean wasn’t one of those people who wasn’t observant, but he wasn’t one to notice human emotions like that either. Cas took a bite of his own sandwich, which was turkey and cheese with mustard. He chewed thoughtfully. “You may be right, but I confess you know Bobby better than I do. You have had more time to notice his mannerisms.” Cas was intrigued though, he wanted to observe Bobby the next time he saw him around Ellen, to see if Dean’s suspicions were well founded. Cas wondered if Dean had seen the article he’d finished and had sent in. Cas had told Dean not to get too upset or excited about his articles, because his true ambition was to write a book. His articles and stories were just a way to keep his skills sharp. 

“I don’t doubt that you’re right, though. I have to admit, while I haven’t memorized Bobby’s mannerisms, he does seem to be quiet whenever John and Ellen are around him.” Cas said, taking another bite of his soup. “All you can do is let it be, I mean, Bobby doesn’t seem to be trying to get in the way of them. I think that as long as he’s behaving himself, there’s really no need to call attention to it.” Cas said. He really didn’t think that they should bring it out into the light. It’s not as if Bobby was going to get anywhere with Ellen if he was indeed in love with her. Anyone who looked at Ellen and John was looking into the face of love. Although Cas knew that it was hard to be in love with someone and having to watch them with someone else. He had been there before, and was glad that he would never have to go through that again. 

Meanwhile, Jo was in the bedroom with Ellen, going through the clothes she had decided to pull from to go out that night. Ellen had agreed to come over and help her pick something out. It had been a long time since Jo had gone out other than to work at Harvelle’s. Jo brushed some of her long blonde hair behind her ear. “Mom, can I ask you something?” She knew that Frankie was with John and she was sure that the girl was having the time of her life. Jo was hoping that her baby was going to love his grandparents as much as Frankie did. For what seemed like the millionth time, she mulled over the fact that their family was far from traditional. 

When Ellen told her that she could, Jo took a deep breath and toyed with the material of a silk shirt she was considering. “Do you think that John is going to love my baby as much as Frankie?” She hadn’t told anyone else, but she’d clued in her mother. The only ones who didn’t know were John and Frankie. Jo knew that Sam was wary about telling people. She didn’t blame him, a part of her was nervous that she was going to lose the baby. She didn’t know why she was worried about that, her doctor said that she was doing fine so far. Jo knew that Ellen had had issues with her while she was pregnant, so Jo was being a bit of a worrywart. 

Plus, it was her first pregnancy, and the books all said that it was normal to be nervous. Jo watched her mother’s face as she seemed to be formulating an answer. 

Ellen knew that Jo wanted to hear that he would. And Ellen was sure that he would. However, Ellen knew that Frankie was the child who had made him a grandparent. That was always going to be a special bond. Ellen knew that that was going to be a factor in things for a long time. “Of course he is, Joanna Beth.” She said, she didn’t want to say that out loud, she knew that Jo wouldn’t understand, as much as she would try. It was just something that didn’t make sense until your child had children. Jo was pregnant with her first child, and there were just a multitude of things that she wouldn’t understand yet until they happened. 

“You don’t have to be so nervous. I also don’t blame you for being wary to tell people. I know that the books nowadays say it’s a good idea to wait until you know for sure that you’re out of the miscarriage zone.” She knew what that was like, she had had her own miscarriage before Jo was born. To this day she didn’t know what the baby had been, boy or girl. It had only been two months, and you couldn’t tell the gender till the fifth month. It had taken a year for Ellen to be ready to have another, and thus Jo had been born. Ellen had never told her, and she didn’t want to bring it up now, not when Jo was worrying about something she couldn’t control. Ellen didn’t want to worry her more than she had to. Jo had a tendency to worry if left alone. 

When her mother mentioned the m word, Jo had to tell herself that it wasn’t going to happen. Jo knew that she couldn’t let herself think that way, she didn’t want to let the negative thoughts in. Jo was doing her best to avoid talking about the Balthazar incident. She didn’t want to worry her mother. They hadn’t talked about it much, it was verboten in the Winchester-Harvelle household. Jo knew that Ellen was doing her best to keep John’s mind off it, since it was a touchy subject with him. Jo wasn’t sure that she blamed John for being upset with Sam, but she also knew that Balthazar hadn’t been planning to take no for an answer. That was the part she’d managed to avoid telling John. She knew he’d get overprotective, and she already had Sam for that. 

And if she was being honest, she didn’t mind that he was being overprotective. Jo cast her glance over the clothes that were littered on the bed. She looked at her mother then. “So I know you’re babysitting, but once Frankie falls asleep, what do you and John plan to do?” She asked curiously, Frankie had vowed to stay up till midnight, but she never made it past nine. Some kids never wanted to sleep, Frankie wasn’t one of those kids. Jo hoped that she got a baby just like her. She didn’t want one that was never going to sleep. Although she knew that that wasn’t going to be the case, most babies had trouble sleeping through the night for awhile. 

If she was honest, Jo just wanted a healthy baby, regardless of whether it could sleep through the night or not. 

Ellen watched as Jo’s fingers toyed with a pair of jeans. “We’re just going to relax and appreciate each other’s company.” She said, she was so glad that they were going to stay home. Ellen knew that John usually went to Bobby’s New Year’s Eve parties, and she was glad that he had opted out of going this year. Ellen didn’t have feelings for Bobby, but it was always awkward for them when the two of them were with John. No one really knew that they had slept together, except Dean. He had overheard a conversation between Ellen and Bobby once. She hadn’t been prepared to deal with his opinion on that, and she was sure that Dean hadn’t told John, because Ellen knew if he had, John wouldn’t have been able to be silent about it. 

“It’s going to be fun. We’re not going to Bobby’s party this year.” She said, hoping that Jo would just accept that answer and not press her for details as to why. Other than they were babysitting. Ellen thought Frankie was a well behaved little girl. She didn’t cause a lot of fuss, and there was no doubt about it that she thought John hung the moon. She never stopped talking to him when she was with him and Ellen. Ellen had to admit, she thought it was adorable. And it was really sexy to her to see John interacting with a child. It was nice to see that he cared about children. 

“Are you kids going to stop by there before you go out?” She asked curiously. She knew it was Bobby’s first party on the holiday since his wife had died. According to Dean, he’d gotten far too wasted at the last one he’d attended, Ellen doubted that he was going to go this year. 

“No, Bobby told us we shouldn’t feel obligated. I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but something is.” Jo said. She hadn’t been in Bobby’s life as long as the boys had, or rather, she hadn’t spent as much time with him as the boys had. Jo decided on the skinny pair of jeans, since they made her short legs look longer, and then wondered which top was going to go with them. She brushed some of her blonde hair behind her ear. “I know that he’s been having a hard time with his wife passing, but it’s been a long time now. He should be doing his best to move on.” 

Jo heard a noise downstairs, and she knew that Sam was home. He’d gone out to do some errands. Jo hadn’t asked what they were, but she had to admit she was curious. She decided on a purple sparkly top that made her cleavage stick out. Jo didn’t usually dress like that, but then again, she didn’t need to get herself a man anymore. She had dressed more like that when she was still single. Jo moved to the mirror, holding up her hair, trying to decide if she should wear it up or not. “I think it’s great of you and John to watch Frankie so Dean and Cas can go out. I know that Cas is dying to get out of the house.” 

She knew that he was feeling a bit stir crazy. Jo turned to her mother. “It’s going to be a bit hard to be out and not able to drink, but I know that at least Dean will be able to commiserate with me.” 

Before Ellen could agree or disagree, Sam came into the room, carrying a bag of things from Target. “You’re going to look beautiful no matter what you wear, baby.” He said to Jo, as he put down the bag on the bed. Sam leaned to give Ellen a kiss on the cheek. “Come over to help Jo and do girly mother and daughter things?” He asked, giving her a smile. Sam had gotten some gender neutral things for the baby, but he didn’t want Jo to know just yet. He wanted it to be a surprise. 

“I just talked to Dean, and he says that Cas wants us to go out to eat too, so we’re hitting Red Robin.” Sam said, Cas liked it because the fries were bottomless. He knew it was also a bit of a treat for Dean, who had been doing well with following his diet lately. Sam brushed his hand through his brown hair. He was worried about his upcoming court date. He didn’t know what he was going to do about it. He still needed to get a lawyer. Sam had been doing his best not to bring it up around his father, because it was still a sore subject. 

Sam had been talking to the people that had been at the bar that night, and he knew that it was going to be easy to prove that the man had been intent on raping Jo. Sam knew that that’s where it had been headed if he hadn’t stopped it. He could still see the panicked look on Jo’s face as Balthazar had latched onto her arm. He didn’t know how the man could have so many balls and was pressing charges when he’d been trying to do what he’d been trying to do. “Cas likes the bottomless fries.” He said, as he watched Jo toying with her hair. They had a couple of hours to get ready yet, and he knew that she was nervous because it had been awhile since they’d been out. 

Jo nodded as Ellen said she would get out of their hair, and kissed her mother goodbye and then watched her fiance hide the bag of things from Target in the closet. She wondered what it was. Jo knew that he wasn’t going to tell her though. Jo knew it was nothing bad though, she could tell when Sam was up to no good. He always had a tell. “I am sure we’ll have a great time. I love Red Robin.” Jo said, and Sam made a noncommittal noise and said he was going to go and look up lawyers on the internet for his court dates. 

She watched him go, not sure what she had done to get so lucky to have a man like Sam. A man who would willingly get himself into huge trouble to keep her safe. Jo started putting away the excess clothes. She just hoped that the night out would be worth it. It had been so long since they’d taken some time off from work and being busy to go out. Jo looked out the window as she grabbed some hangers to hang things back up. At least it was a beautiful day. That could only bode well, right? 

 

_**Author’s note: Well, it looks like I’m going to get two chapters out of New Year’s. I wrote this all today when I couldn’t sleep. I hope that ya’ll are enjoying, and I hope that ya’ll will feel compelled to tell me what you think! Also I am taking votes on when Cas should tell Dean about his past. If you’ve got a suggestion, feel free to lay it on me. Anyway, till next time!** _


	10. I Wanna See You Be Brave

Chapter Ten: I Wanna See You Be Brave

By the time that seven rolled around, they were all ready. Dean was waiting for Cas by the door so they could go and get into the car. They were meeting Jo and Sam at Red Robin, and then, since they were in Harvelle’s quite a lot, they had chosen a club to go to, they weren’t going to go there. Dean called out, “Babe, we’re going to be late! I’m starving, and this is my cheat day, so I get a burger!” He was busy texting Sam that he was trying to get Cas to get a move on. Sam had let him know that they were on their way to Red Robin.

Dean waited for a response, and then he went to the bedroom, he knew Cas wasn’t upstairs, since their bedroom had been moved temporarily to the downstairs. “Cas? What’s taking so long?” He asked, as he stuck his head in the doorway. Cas was standing in front of the office closet, which wasn’t meant to be used for clothes, so only Dean’s stuff was in there, really. He didn’t know what he was doing, Cas’ stuff was upstairs in the master bedroom, which they would move back to when Dean could finally climb stairs without a problem. 

Cas wasn’t sure what he was doing, really. He was dressed, and his hair was brushed and tidied. He turned to Dean. “I don’t know, okay?” He was feeling all kinds of things, mostly things that he couldn’t put into words. Cas toyed with the ends of the dress shirt he was wearing underneath his sweater as he looked at his husband. He knew that Dean was going to notice that something was wrong immediately, Cas wasn’t so good at hiding his emotions, and he never really tried to hide anything from Dean. They just didn’t have that kind of relationship. 

“I know this was my idea, but is there any way we can get out of this?” Cas asked, he all of a sudden didn’t feel like going out. He knew Dean was going to be disappointed, they hadn’t gotten to go out in awhile, and Frankie had already been packed off to John and Ellen’s for the next couple of days, so they could go out and not worry about her. Cas couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Dean didn’t know about his attack in high school. He knew he had nothing to feel guilty about, he had told Dean that there was something he needed to tell him. He just, it didn’t feel right that he didn’t know. 

Dean stepped forward, meeting Cas’ eye. “Babe, what is this about?” He asked, he could tell something was off with him, and he just didn’t know what. He eyed him carefully, and stepped closer still, and he wondered what he was going to say. Cas was turning white as a sheet. “I know that something’s up with you. You’re acting strange, and you just turned white as a sheet.” He said, this wasn’t like Cas at all. He didn’t know what it was, but it was something. 

“We’ve got a night off for the first time in awhile, you should be happy about that. I know I am. I really haven’t had a burger in forever, and I am really looking forward to eating it. So what’s this about?” Dean asked, reaching out and taking Cas’ hands, using them to tug him closer. He didn’t take his green eyes off Cas’ blue ones, and he wondered what he was going to do if Cas was going to tell him something bad. Dean had this worry that it was about Cas’ past, whatever it was that had happened to him. Dean knew he’d been thinking about it a lot lately, and he didn’t know that he wanted to know what it was. It wasn’t going to change how much he loved Cas, and it wasn’t going to change him wanting to be with him. 

Whatever it was, it had made Cas who he was, and Dean knew that he loved who Cas was. 

Cas let Dean pull him closer, and he toyed with the buttons on Dean’s shirt. He didn’t know that he could keep things in anymore. He didn’t want to. “Dean….. I know that I told you that something happened to me when I was in high school.” It had been 20 years now, and Cas still wasn’t as over it as he would like to be. He was toying with going to therapy again, with all of this with Dean, he was feeling helpless and it wasn’t helping him a bit. Cas took a deep breath. “This is the wrong time to tell you, but I have to get it off my chest.” 

It wasn’t going to be easy. Cas directed them to the bed, it was best to be sitting down. Cas took a deep breath, not sure where to start. “When I was in high school, that was when I came out. I was starting to have issues with it, my brothers weren’t accepting of me. So I started talking to my high school counselor about it.” He didn’t know why he had chosen now of all times to tell Dean, Dean was going to be livid. He wasn’t going to want to go anywhere, and it was just going to end in misery. But he had already started this, so he was going to go with it. 

“She was really nice at first, told me that my feelings were valid, and all of that. I don’t know when she started to change, but she did. She started to tell me that since I hadn’t really kissed a boy before, how did I know I was gay?” Cas’ voice was wobbling, but he was determined to get through this. He cleared his throat, and started talking again. “I don’t….. She decided that she was going to try and change my mind.” Cas almost couldn’t bear the look on Dean’s face. He looked like he was going to be sick. 

“One afternoon, she locked the door to her office, it was late, no one else was around. She told me she was going to make me a man, and….. And she forced me to have sex with her.” Cas said, and that’s when the tears spilled out of his eyes, and fell off his cheeks. 

Dean was horrified, and disgusted. He wanted to ask so many things, and at the sight of the tears on Cas’ face, he leaned forward, and pressed kisses wherever he saw one, and then pulled back to look at his husband. “Baby…. I understand why that was hard to tell me.” Dean managed to keep the anger out of his voice. It was a miracle he wasn’t asking for the woman’s name so he could go and kill her. He didn’t know how Cas hadn’t done so himself. Dean didn’t know a lot about it, so it’s not as if he had a handle on how any of this worked. 

He knew he was going to be at a loss as to how to deal with this, but he wanted Cas to know he was there for him. Dean scooted closer to Cas on the bed, and wrapped both of his arms around his husband. Dean had so many questions, he didn’t know where to start. He also didn’t want to ask him something that was going to upset him. “So this was back home in England?” He asked, and Cas nodded, sniffling. “Cas, you don’t have to tell me anything more that you don’t want to. I have a million questions, but I also don’t want to upset you.” He said, pulling back to look at him, cupping Cas’ jaw.

Cas didn’t know what he wanted Dean to ask. He didn’t know how he was going to explain anything when Dean did ask. Cas closed his eyes, as tears fell off his chin. Dean’s thumbs moved over his cheeks, removing them off. Cas brushed his hand through his hair and then looked into Dean’s eyes. “I don’t know that I want to answer any more questions right now…. But I don’t want to not tell you. I just… right now I think I just want to stay home.. I feel really helpless right now because of all of this… I just, it’s making me freak out.” 

He didn’t really know how he could lay this all on Dean right now. He knew that Dean wasn’t supposed to be stressed out. Cas sniffled. “I’m so sorry that I am laying all of this on you…. You aren’t supposed to get stressed out.” He said, Cas felt horribly guilty that he was laying all of this on him. Cas started to cry, and he buried his head in Dean’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I’m supposed to be the strong one for you. I can’t believe that I did this.” Cas couldn’t believe he had done this. He had had to tell him now. He hadn’t wanted to. Cas felt so guilty that he had done this and he could barely breathe. 

Dean stroked Cas’ back. “No, you shut that talk up right now. You don’t have to be strong for me, Castiel Winchester. You love me, and I love you. I don’t need you to be the strong one. I just need you to be here. I will be whatever you need me to be. If you are feeling things because of all of this, then I want you to tell me about it. Don’t hold it in. Believe me, I’ve done the holding it in thing and it never goes well.” He was glad that Cas had told him. He really was. It felt like they were really getting closer. Dean also was glad that Cas wasn’t holding it in anymore. “And if you want to stay home, I’m okay with that. I mean, not really, but if you need that then I am okay with that.” 

In all honesty, Cas really didn’t want to go. He knew that Dean did though. “If you want to go without me, I won’t be mad. I just, I can’t go out tonight. I know it was my idea, but I just can’t.” Cas said. He leaned into him, burying his head in his neck. Cas didn’t know what he wanted Dean to do. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone or not. It was hard to know. Cas took a deep sniff of Dean’s neck. It was his favorite smell. He couldn’t go without it for the rest of his life. He just couldn’t. He was starting to freak out about losing Dean. He had to be the strong one. Cas knew that. It wasn’t exactly helping to be the one freaking out. 

He lifted his head, and looked into Dean’s green eyes. “You don’t have to be scared I’m going to break. I’ll be okay if you go.” Cas told him, he saw the uncertainty in those green eyes, and he wondered if he was always going to be haunted by that look. Dean didn’t know what it was like to have all control taken from you. Cas supposed he could understand a little, what with his heart condition, but it really wasn’t the same thing. Cas really didn’t want him to be able to understand, because of what that would mean. Cas couldn’t handle Dean going through that. Dean was going to have to be there for him without knowing exactly how he felt. He didn’t know how he was going to ever explain. 

Dean looked into Cas’ blue eyes. “I don’t want to go and leave you upset like this. I can go out and get us some burgers from BK or something and we can stay in. I don’t want to go out without you.” He said, looking into Cas’ eyes. He didn’t like the idea of leaving Cas home alone. He wasn’t sure that it was the best idea. Cas was feeling vulnerable and he was upset. Dean didn’t want to wonder what he would come home to if he left Cas home alone. “Okay? I’m not going to leave you alone tonight.” He kissed him, trying to put all of the love that he felt for him in the kiss. 

After it broke, he let go. “I’ll text Jo and tell her we stayed home, and I’ll go and get us something to eat. And we’ll get into our pjs and watch one of those sappy movies you like to watch on tv.” He said, looking into Cas’ eyes until he nodded and sniffled, giving Dean a soft smile. Dean kissed his forehead and went out to the car, texting Jo on the way. He really hated that this had happened to Cas, and he almost wished he’d asked the bitch’s name so he could go and look her up. Dean wanted to kill her, he wanted to kill her for what she’d done to Cas. His precious Cas, who looked like an angel when he was sleeping. Who was an angel in every sense of the word, because he had saved Dean. Dean knew that he would have died if it hadn’t been for Cas. He knew that he still might, but he wasn’t going to leave Cas any sooner than he could help it. 

When he got in the car, before going anywhere, he pulled out his phone and called John. He wanted to tell John about it, ask for his advice. He knew it was Cas’ news to tell, but he trusted John not to say anything to Cas if Dean asked him not to. He waited while the phone rang, and when John said hello Dean the whole story came pouring out in one breath. “Dad… he…. That woman, she just took what she wanted. And Cas…. I can’t even imagine what he must be feeling. I just, I want to help him and I don’t know how. I mean, I’m trying to do my best. I just don’t know if it’s enough.” Dean finished, and by the time he had, there were tears in his eyes. 

When John heard the whole story, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. He knew that rape of men was something that happened, but it hadn’t ever had anything to do with him. He’d done the two year tour of Special Victims, but John was fairly certain that he hadn’t even run across it then. John had had to do a couple years of therapy after he’d worked that unit. Ever since then he’d been in Homicide. John still had a bit of issues from seeing dead bodies, but it wasn’t as bad as working the SVU. John wished he knew what to tell Dean to do. “I know you want advice, Dean, but honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never had personal experience with this, and I don’t even begin to know what Cas must be feeling.” 

John had just come from putting Frankie to bed, and now he was on his way to the living room, he was going to watch some television with Ellen. They had both gotten their going out to party on NYE out of the way long ago. John had bought some bubbly, and they were going to drink it together, but that was as far as it went. They were babysitting, they didn’t want to get too messy. John stopped off in the kitchen first, they were eating party food, pizza rolls, taquitos, stuff like that. He was checking on what was in the oven. Ellen was already in the living room, he could hear the television. John said, “What you need to do is whatever Cas needs. I know that you two aren’t exactly having the best of times right now, but you’ve got each other. And now you have Frankie. You need to be there for her.”

All of what his father said was true, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. Dean sighed and tried to keep his voice steady. He didn’t want to get upset and have John hear him. “I can’t believe that this happened to him.” Dean said, he still couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He supposed that that was normal, he hadn’t even known for a half an hour yet. Dean swallowed past the lump in his throat. He didn’t know what else to say. Dean sighed again and said, “I gotta go Dad, I promised Cas that I’d go and pick up something for us to eat so we could stay home and veg out. He’s upset enough that he doesn’t want to go out with Jo and Sam.” He said, starting up the Impala. 

He and John said their goodbyes, and Dean backed out of the driveway. He was going to have to do something. He wondered why Cas had never pressed charges. He wondered if the statute of limitations had run out. Dean wasn’t sure what he remembered from John working in Special Victims, but it wasn’t much. Dean was sure that he couldn’t still press charges. Although Dean knew that it was Cas’ choice, and whatever Cas had chosen Dean was going to accept. Dean headed towards the Burger King that was closest to Cas’, and he wondered how his life might have been different if he’d never met Cas. It was freaky. Dean didn’t even want to think about it. As much as he wanted to kill this woman for what she had done to his husband, he knew that his husband wouldn’t be who he was without it. And Dean loved him just the way he was. 

All in all it only took about twenty minutes to get the food and get back. Dean had had to resist getting the double Whopper, even though he’d really wanted to. He was having a cheat day but that didn’t mean he had to get something that could possibly kill him. He felt proud of himself that he had managed to just get a regular Whopper. He entered the house, and called out, “Babe, I’m home!” He moved into the living room. Cas was on the couch, wearing some of Dean’s pjs, and he was watching Will and Grace reruns. Dean made a face. “I don’t care what we watch, but please, not that.” Dean had hated that show. Lisa AND Charlie had both been fans, and between the two of them Dean had seen them all at least four times. He didn’t even think he’d be able to appreciate it now, what with him having a husband. 

Cas accepted the bag of food that Dean handed him. “Was Jo upset?” He asked, muting the television. He was fine with watching something else, he owned the entire series as it was and could watch it whenever he wanted. Cas knew which food was his, he pulled out a chicken sandwich and onion rings. He wondered if Dean had behaved himself at least a little with his choice of dinner. Cas said, “Go change so you don’t get mayonnaise on your clothes and then we’ll pick something together.” He accepted the kiss Dean gave him and watched him head off down the hall. Cas was wearing some of Dean’s Dallas Cowboy sweats. He liked to wear them because they smelled like Dean. He knew how old they were too, Dean had had them since he was 20 or so. They were faded and worn, but they were still very comfortable. 

He watched as Dean came back into the room about five minutes later. He was wearing some of Cas’ Columbia sweats. He moved to sit with Cas on the couch. Cas was pulling up the On Demand to select something for them to watch. Cas needed happy. He couldn’t handle anything too dramatic. Cas personally wouldn’t mind something Disney, but he knew that Dean was going to want to put a kibosh on that, because they got a lot of that when Frankie was home. Cas watched as Dean sat down on the couch, as close as he could to his husband. Cas knew that Dean was trying to be what he needed right now. Cas really appreciated that. He leaned and kissed Dean, deeply. 

“Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for trying to be what I need you to be.” Cas said, when the kiss had broken. He didn’t know what he would do without Dean. He stroked Dean’s jaw. “I love you.”

Dean kissed him again and then reached for his food. “I love you too, Cas.” He said. He opened his Whopper and took a bite. Cas was focused on picking something for them to watch. Dean watched as Cas moved through the On Demand choices. When he stopped on Liv and Maddie, Dean groaned. “Dammit, Cas….. Frankie’s not here. Why do we have to watch Disney?” He asked, but the tone he used he knew Cas would know he wasn’t going to say no. Dean knew that Cas was upset and he wanted Cas to have what he wanted. If that meant the saccharine that was a Disney show, then that was what they would do. Dean just wished that Cas wasn’t so into Disney things, it wasn’t his favorite. And he knew that that was one of the reasons Frankie was so attached to Cas. They liked a lot of the same things. It was also one of the reasons Dean loved Cas. He was a child at heart. 

He took a bigger bite of his burger, and wondered if they were going to talk anymore about what Cas had told him or they were just going to relax and be together. Dean had a million questions, but he also didn’t want to make Cas uncomfortable. Dean wasn’t sure what to ask anyway. He didn’t know what was acceptable. Dean hadn’t ever known someone who had gone through what Cas had. It didn’t seem fair. He reached for some fries as the theme song for the show played. Cas was singing along, pausing his eating to do so. Dean knew that Cas loved to sing even if he wasn’t so good at it. Dean was good enough for the both of them though, and he sang as often as he could. 

Settling back on the couch, Dean watched Cas watch the show. They would have to keep it a secret from Frankie that they were watching it without her. She would have a cow. Dean loved watching Cas watch tv. He got so into it. It was really cute. Dean just hoped that that would continue while Cas was having all these uproar of feelings. 

Meanwhile, Jo and Sam were at the club they’d chosen to go to. With Dean and Cas not coming, they’d opted to go to dinner after they’d rung in the New Year. Jo was of the mind that Steak and Shake was just as good as Red Robin. She was standing at the bar, trying to decide what to order. Sam was staking them out a booth. It was a gay club, Jo had picked it out. Sam always said he was comfortable in his sexuality and he was prepared to deal with men if they hit on him. Jo was sure they wouldn’t, although she wasn’t sure that she blamed them if they did, her fiance was incredibly gorgeous. She finally got to order, and she came away from the bar with a beer for Sam and a large virgin lime margarita for herself. Jo was wondering why Dean and Cas had opted to stay home. Dean hadn’t told her.

Jo joined Sam at their table. “It’s hopping in here.” She said. Honestly, she was surprised that they’d been able to find a table for the two of them. She handed him his beer. Sam wasn’t a big drinker. Jo cast her glance around the club, wondering if they knew anyone, and that’s when she saw Balthazar. She instantly stiffened, but Sam didn’t seem to notice. He was answering a text on his phone. Jo tucked some of her blonde hair behind her ear. She’d done some curling with it, to give it some body. She watched Balthazar out of the corner of her eye. Jo didn’t want him to catch sight of her. Hopefully he wouldn’t. It was kind of crowded in here, it was amazing she’d even spotted him. Jo wondered what he was doing here, it wasn’t like Balthazar was gay. And he didn’t seem to be the type of man who was accepting of those who were, considering some of the comments she’d heard him say from time to time. 

Sam put his phone back in his pocket, and that’s when he noticed that something was off with Jo. “Jo?” He asked, wondering what was up with her. He followed her gaze, and then he noticed that she was looking at Balthazar. Wow. Sam was doing his best not to jump up from the table and beat the living daylights out of him. This club was a lot busier than Harvelle’s tended to be, and he could at least be certain that he wasn’t likely to spot them. Sam touched Jo’s arm and leaned to whisper to her. “It’ll be okay, baby. I won’t let him hurt you.” There was also the fact that there were hundreds of people here. He wasn’t likely to try anything with people here. 

He also had half a mind to go over to him and force him to drop the charges. Sam didn’t think he was going to have to worry about getting convicted, there were others who would testify that the man had been getting out of control, but it would still be nice if it all went away. Sam and John hadn’t really spoken about it since it had first happened, but Sam knew that it was still a bone of contention with them. Sam was doing his best not to mention it, so they wouldn’t fight about it. 

Before Jo could reply, Balthazar had spotted them and he made his way over. Sam growled. “Why are you coming over here?” He asked. He didn’t want to deal with him. It was a holiday, and they were here to have fun. 

Balthazar gave Sam a grin. He too was a Brit. “So, I did not expect to find you here, love.” He said to Jo, completely ignoring Sam. He didn’t want to talk to him, it was obvious. Jo kept her eyes on Balthazar, she didn’t trust him a bit. Jo watched him as he leaned against the wall next to their table, seemingly content to keep standing there. He didn’t seem to care that it was a club full of people that could see them. They might not be able to hear because of the music, but they could see. Jo folded her arms on the table, trying to keep calm. 

“I don’t want to talk to you, Balthazar. Because of you my fiance is up on assault charges. And we all know that you had every intent of forcing yourself on me.” Jo was surprised at her words. She hadn’t expected to have any kind of bravado when confronted with Balthazar again. She refused to let him scare her. Jo was scared, but she didn’t want to let him see it. Jo brushed her hand across her arm, and then reached for her drink, taking a sip, all the while her eyes not leaving Balthazar’s. “You can go run along to whomever you came here with, Balthazar.” Jo told him, wishing her voice was stronger than it was. It would sound better if she sounded more sure of herself. Although it was noisy in the club, so there was a chance he didn’t even note her tone, just the words. 

As he leaned closer to her, Sam was itching to jump out of his seat and force the man back. He kept himself in the chair though. Balthazar said something, Sam wasn’t even sure what it was, it was too noisy in here. But it sounded like a denial of what Jo had said. “Oh hell no, Balthazar. You had every intent of forcing Jo to do what you wanted. There are people who are going to testify to that fact. You aren’t going to get away with this.” Sam said, keeping the other man’s gaze, making sure that he knew he was serious. For once, there seemed to be a break in the other man’s facade. He seemed to be digesting what Sam had said. “You will not get away with what you tried to do, Balthazar. We will fight you tooth and nail.” 

What the other man had attempted to do to his fiance was the last straw. He had come into Harvelle’s for years, but for some reason, he’d started to get predatory. That seemed odd to Sam, people who were like Balthazar seemed to be didn’t just start to assault people in their 30s, which the other man seemed to be. Sam was going to have to do some research, although that really was his lawyer’s job. Sam also supposed that Balthazar could have been like this all along and he had just decided to start acting that way around Jo out of nowhere. It could be a coincidence, too. Sam brushed his hand through his longer brown hair. He kept his eyes firmly on the other man, who seemed to have deflated a bit. 

“Just leave us alone.” Sam reiterated, and kept his gaze on him till he walked away. 

Jo let out a sigh, glad that the other man had left. She wondered if he’d approached them because they’d been alone. She knew that he was scared of Dean. He didn’t know about Dean’s health problems and he had seen Dean beat the living hell out of men that were bigger than he was. Jo did think it was smart of the other man to be afraid of Dean, Dean was of the mind shoot first and ask questions later. He was a Texan, it was just how they were raised around here. Jo looked at Sam. “I am glad you got him to leave. I honestly don’t think he would have approached us had Dean been with us.” She was a lot disappointed that Dean and Cas had opted to stay home. She wondered again what was going on. Dean had said it was Cas that had backed out. 

“Why do you think they stayed home?” She asked curiously. It had been Cas’ idea to go out, and she was surprised that he’d stayed home. She knew that Cas wanted to see 2016 go as much as the rest of them did. It had been a horrible year. Yes, there had been things that had happened that were good, but it mostly had been very tumultuous. She didn’t know that she could think of a more perfect word to describe the year. “I don’t know that I’m not worried. It was Cas’ idea that we come out. Frankie’s safe at Mom and John’s, and they haven’t had a night out in awhile.” Jo knew that she was only focused on this because she needed to talk about anything but what had just happened. 

Sam knew that she was talking about this because she wanted to keep the conversation away from the man that had just walked away. He was fine with that if she needed that. Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe Dean didn’t feel well enough to come out.” He knew that it had been Cas’ idea to stay home, or at least, Dean had said so. Sam wasn’t one to call Dean a liar, but it was completely possible that he’d told them it had been Cas’ idea when it really had been him trying to save face. Sam checked his watch. It was almost midnight. So this horrible year was finally going to be over. Sam was definitely a fan of that. 

“He wouldn’t have said so if that was the case. He would have used Cas as an excuse.” Sam said. He was looking forward to kissing Jo at midnight, and he was glad that they had opted not to come. Sam was of the mind that NYE was a romantic holiday, and they should all spend time with their significant other. Sam wrapped an arm around the back of Jo’s chair. She was still watching the people around them, but Sam knew she was listening. “It’s okay, babe, we’re together and we’re going to have a great kiss at midnight, and then we’ll go to Steak and Shake and stuff ourselves. You know you love those milkshakes.” He said. 

It was true, and Sam was glad that they were together, whether Jo was glad or not. Although he knew she was, she’d been so excited for them to go out. 

The next morning, Dean woke up in a disheveled state. He was laying half off the bed. What the hell had gone on last night? They’d watched television, avoiding the ball drop and just making out a bit at midnight. Dean looked down at himself. He was naked. They hadn’t really drank much had they? Dean wasn’t supposed to get drunk. Dean rubbed his head. It felt like he was hungover, he’d had many of them and he knew what they were like. He turned to look for Cas. He wasn’t in the bed with him. Dean got up and reached for a robe, pulling it on. Maybe Cas would be able to tell him what had gone on the night before. Dean remembered making out with Cas, but that was all. 

He shuffled to the kitchen. Cas was cooking breakfast. It was actually eleven o’clock, so it was more like brunch. Dean wondered again what had happened. Cas was wearing only a pair of Cowboys sweatpants that he knew belonged to him, and a short robe. Dean walked up behind Cas, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist from behind. “What the hell went on here last night?” Dean asked, cradling Cas close as he watched him cook. Dean felt the pounding of his head, and he was going to have to get some Tylenol or aspirin. He needed to get rid of this headache. He at least didn’t feel nauseous. “Why did I wake up naked?” He asked, he was reminded of the morning after he’d met Cas, and it was making him smile despite himself. 

Laughing, Cas said, “All we had was some champagne, but you got so wasted because it’s been so long since you drank. It was very fun.” Cas had made sure to watch his intake, and he honestly hadn’t had more than two glasses. “You only had two glasses, but it was enough.” He was surprised that it had taken only two glasses. Despite the fact that it had been a long time for Dean, he still had an iron stomach when it came to alcohol. “You really don’t remember?” He asked. He was making a Paula Dean favorite, French toast casserole. It was really good, and something he only made every now and then, since it was very fattening. 

When Dean shook his head, Cas turned to look at him. The casserole was ready to go in the oven. “We made out for at least an hour, and you insisted on taking off all your clothes.” Cas hadn’t exactly been one to keep his hands off Dean once he was naked. Cas had kept his clothes on, Dean had insisted. He’d wanted Cas to see him in all of his glory but he hadn’t wanted Cas to be naked too. Cas wasn’t sure why, unless it had something to do with what he’d told Dean earlier. “We didn’t do much other than make out, although you did insist on me giving you a blowjob.” Cas had only been too happy to comply, too. 

Dean blushed despite himself. “Wow. I must have really been drunk. So did you give me one?” He asked, and his husband nodded. Dean blushed some more and smiled. “Well, at least someone had fun.” He hadn’t given one to Cas yet, and he was curious as to what it was like. His hands began to roam, sliding down the front of Cas and untying his robe. He slipped his hand into the waistband of Cas’ sweats, which he was still fairly certain were his, and his hand ran along the shaft of Cas’ long cock. His husband shivered under his touch. Dean hadn’t even really touched it before. They’d really refrained from doing a lot of sexual things, since Dean was supposed to keep his heart rate low. 

He stroked with his slender fingers, and then turned them around, Cas letting him, his breath shallow. Dean licked his lips, and then he eased the pants off Cas’ waist, letting them pool around his ankles. He was faced with Cas’ member in all it’s glory. He settled himself on his knees, and ran his hand along the underside of the shaft, and Cas’ eyes closed in ecstasy. Dean wanted to do this. He took the healthy cock in his mouth, moving along the shaft, his hand cupping his balls at the same time. Dean wasn’t sure how to do this exactly, but he knew what he liked, so he knew that Cas would most likely like the same thing. He hummed along Cas’ cock, his tongue moving along a raised vein. 

Cas’ eyes closed. He had imagined this moment millions of times, but it was never in the kitchen where he’d been cooking breakfast. His hand went into Dean’s hair, as his husband worked his cock, his mouth working around his long hard member. Cas didn’t know how he could ever have imagined this, it was so much better than he’d thought it would be. Dean’s hand left hand settled on Cas’ hips, as if keeping him from thrusting them. Cas’ fingers moved through Dean’s hair, and his husband moaned around Cas’ length. He gasped out Dean’s name, his voice barely above a strangled whisper. “Oh Dean….” He said again, shivering as Dean’s tongue ran along the tip. His right hand was still cuddling Cas’ balls, and he knew he was going to explode any minute. 

As Dean’s tongue moved along the shaft, moving up and down his cock, Cas finally came, in Dean’s mouth. To Cas’ surprise, Dean swallowed. He looked up at Cas with a grin. Cas was breathing hard, trying to calm down from his orgasm. “Wow.” Was all he managed to say. Cas’ breath was shallow, and his tone was barely above a whisper. “Fuck, Dean.” He said, as Dean straightened up, leaning to kiss him. Cas could taste himself on Dean’s tongue, and he eagerly kissed him back, nibbling on Dean’s bottom lip. “That was amazing.” He knew that Dean was going to get better with practice, and he already seemed to know what he was doing, and Cas knew that it was his first time. 

He ran his hand through his black hair. “Wow, Dean, just wow.” It was all he could say. 

Dean gave him a grin. “I know what I like, so I assumed you’d like the same thing.” He helped Cas get the sweatpants back in place, his hand grazing it as he did so, and it caused a light to come on in Cas’ blue eyes. “Put that casserole in the oven and I’ll show you what else I can do with my tongue.” He promised, watching his husband’s face turn red with a blush. “I promise, you won’t regret it.” He said, winking at him. 

Cas met his eyes, and he knew then that he wouldn’t. He may be having some helpless issues right now, but he was fully into seeing what else Dean could do with his tongue. Cas kissed him once more. “I will never regret anything having to do with you.” He told him, his tone serious. Dean Winchester would always be the best decision he ever made in his life, and he still couldn’t believe that they had met by chance. 

 

_**Author’s note: So, I thought some sexytimes might be nice. Some safe sexytimes, that is. Dean’s still not out of the woods yet. I hope that was satisfying, although I promise you when they finally do have sex, it’ll be explosive. It’ll be well worth the wait. I thank ya’ll for hanging in if you’re still with me, and hopefully a new update will be soon! Especially with Supernatural starting back up soon. Hope ya’ll feel compelled to leave a review!** _


	11. Then I Crashed Into You

Chapter Eleven: Then I Crashed Into You

Dean was sitting on the living room couch strumming his guitar. He was playing around with learning this song by Daughtry, called Crashed. He wanted to sing it to Cas. He thought he was alone, Cas had taken Frankie to get some new clothes. He was strumming and began to sing with his melodious voice. Dean could have been a singer professionally had he chosen to be. 

Well, I was moving at the speed of sound  
Head spinning, couldn’t find my way around, and   
Didn’t I was going down, yeah yeah  
Where I’ve been, well it’s all a blur  
What I was looking for, I’m not sure  
Too late and I didn’t have to see it coming,   
Yeah, yeah

And then I crashed into you  
And I went up in flames  
Could’ve been the death of me.,  
But then you breathed your breath in me,   
And I crashed into you,   
Like a runaway train  
You will consume me,   
But I can’t walk away

Somehow, I couldn’t stop myself  
I just wanted to know how it felt  
Too strong, I couldn’t hold on,   
Yeah, yeah  
Now I’m just tryin’ to make some sense  
Of how and why this happened  
Where we’re heading, there’s just no knowing  
yeah , yeah

From your face, your eyes  
Are burning to me  
You saved me, you gave me   
Just what I need  
Oh, just what I need

And I crashed into you,   
Like a runaway train  
You will consume me,   
And I can’t walk away

Dean lost himself in the lyrics, it was how felt about Cas. He sang with a voice that was raw and powerful. He was startled out of his performance when he heard Cas clapping. Dean looked at him. Cas’ eyes were full of tears. He crossed the room to Dean, and he looked into his husband’s beautiful face. Dean reached up and wiped some of the tears off Cas’ face. “You weren’t supposed to hear that, it’s not perfect yet.” Dean admonished, and was surprised by Cas shaking his head. 

“No, Dean Winchester, that was beautiful. It was perfect.” Cas said, reaching out and cupping Dean’s cheek. He hadn’t heard Dean really sing before. Only under his breath when he thought no one was listening. Cas wiped his eyes and reached and moved Dean’s guitar so he could get closer. Wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck, Cas looked into those beautiful green eyes that sparkled like emeralds. Cas let his hands play in the hair at the nape of Dean’s neck. He needed a haircut. Cas’ eyes brimmed with tears again as he spoke. 

“Is that really the way you feel?” Cas asked, his heart was pounding out of his chest. They’d ran into Jo at the mall, and Frankie had insisted on Jo being the one to buy her new clothes. Cas had said that was fine with him, he had an article he wanted to finish for the paper. His voice was a bit wobbly. 

Looking into Cas’ blue eyes, Dean nodded. He tugged him closer, he didn’t care why Cas was here, and he was just glad he was. Dean leaned out and kissed him, his arms sliding tightly around Cas’ waist. Dean kissed him hungrily, he wanted to devour Cas like Cas had devoured him. Dean pushed him back against the couch, surprised that Cas wasn’t stopping him. Dean was used to Cas stopping him so he didn’t get too excited. Dean reached for the buttons on Cas’ shirt, and stopped. He reached to clutch his chest, and Cas was instantly reaching for his phone. He heard Cas’ voice saying his name repeatedly, but he couldn’t speak. Cas pushed Dean off him, getting him sitting up. 

“Dean, I promise it’ll be okay!” Cas said, he was already dialing 911 on his phone. Cas tried to keep his hands shaking. Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand, he wanted Dean to know he was still there, and he wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m not letting you go, you don’t get to leave me, you hear me, Dean Winchester?” He asked, his voice shaking and tears falling down his cheeks. Cas hurriedly started telling the operator what was wrong, and that they needed an ambulance, and that Dean had a pre-existing condition. They told him to stay on the line till the ambulance got there. 

“No, Dean, baby, don’t go to sleep on me1” Cas pleaded, he was afraid that Dean would never wake up. It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to get there, but it was really about twenty minutes, they didn’t live far, and John was legend in Dallas. Cas hung up when they got there, and he was inconsolable, Dean had lost consciousness when they put him on the stretcher. Cas was shaking as he stepped up into the ambulance with them, his blue eyes never leaving his husband. They were asking him a million questions, and he tried to answer them as best he could, he didn’t know everything. 

The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever, and the entire time Dean was breathing due to the tubes they hooked him up to. Cas was holding his hand tightly, but he had no idea if Dean knew that. Cas was praying under his breath, he had to try. “God, I know I’m not your favorite person. But please, don’t take Dean. He’s…. He’s my everything. Frankie already lost her mother, she doesn’t deserve to lose her father too. Please, not yet.” Cas begged, his voice a whisper. 

When they got to the hospital, they whisked Dean off to the ER, and Cas was left in the waiting room, feeling like his knees were going to buckle. His hands shaking, he pulled up John’s name on his phone. He didn’t want to call Jo and Frankie until the very last minute, he didn’t want to worry his daughter. Cas knew this could be it. Cas counted to ten as the phone rang, trying to get himself calm enough to tell John what happened. When he heard his father in law’s rough voice in his ear, that resolve crumbled. “John…. Dad….” Cas said, looking down at the floor and tears falling out of his eyes and dripping off his nose.

“He’s…. He’s having an attack. He’s.. they’re working on him right now. John, you should come.” Cas said, his heart pounding out of his chest. That in itself was making him cry harder, because he knew that Dean’s might not ever do that to him again. Cas heard John fall quiet for a moment, and he knew that his father in law was trying to compose himself. “I’m so scared…. Frankie…. She doesn’t deserve this. Not after….” Cas couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He couldn’t let himself think that Dean wasn’t going to make it. That just wasn’t possible.

John couldn’t find his voice. He knew Cas needed to hear his reassurances that Dean was going to make it through this. John wasn’t sure that he could be so positive. Dean had had this bum heart for years. Eventually it was going to stop working. He would need a new one. John wondered if this was that moment. John didn’t want to lose his boy. Frankie didn’t deserve this, to lose her father. He agreed with Cas on that front. John wondered if this attack had anything with Lucy trying to take their daughter away. He was having to do everything in his power not to go and arrest her for something. She was doing a rotten thing. John was having to hold himself back when it came to her. He knew she was only doing what she was doing to get stick it to Dean and Cas, she knew deep down that the little girl adored her fathers. 

“Cas, you have to think positively. I know it’s hard. But if you go into this with negative feelings, it’s really bad karma. I know that you’re a believer.” John was one of those who thought you made your own destiny. “I can’t get there just yet, I have to be at court with Sam.” John was Sam’s character witness. Even if he thought Sam had been a colossal idiot for making the first punch. John took a deep breath, trying to get his composure again. John couldn’t face the idea of losing his oldest. He just couldn’t. “Call Jo, Bobby, or Ellen, so you aren’t alone till I get there.” It hurt him so much that Cas didn’t have anyone else. They had taken him into their family, but he didn’t have anyone that was just his. 

Cas took a deep breath. “I can… I’ll call Bobby. Frankie’s shopping with Jo, and I don’t want to call them if I don’t have to… or at least till the very last minute. Our daughter deserves some time to be a normal kid before her whole world comes crashing down.” Cas didn’t even think to question why Jo wasn’t going to court with Sam too. Cas brushed his hand through his hair, his hands still shaking. “I can’t lose him, John. He’s…. He’s my whole world.” Cas knew that he wasn’t going to make it if he lost Dean. He didn’t even have to think about it. Cas took another shaky breath, and moved to sit before his knees went out. 

“Please, come as soon as you can.” Cas pleaded, needed to be reassured. John was the only father he had anymore. Cas knew that John loved him as if he was his son. Cas didn’t think he could do this without him. Cas knew that John was one of the best men he’d ever known. He knew that he was a good man, because Dean and Sam were amazing, strong people who would do anything for anyone. Cas watched people walk by, people whose lives weren’t ending as they knew it. “I can’t do this without you, Dad.” This last bit was said so softly that Cas wasn’t even sure if the other man had heard him. 

His voice wasn’t as strong as he would have liked when he replied. “You look here, Castiel Winchester. You don’t ever have to do anything without me the rest of your life. You are my family now. I won’t let you know ever know what it’s like to have me not there.” John told him firmly, despite his voice shaking with emotion. “No one has ever stuck by Dean like this. And especially once you found out he was a father. You had barely been with him. And you stayed. You love that little girl like she’s your own.” John was truly blown away that he hadn’t been behind this relationship at the beginning. Castiel had loved Dean like no one ever had before. John would stand up and fight for his son to love whomever he wanted. 

“You can do this, Cas. Because I will be there as soon as I can. You only have to be strong until I get there. Then you can lean on me, all you need. Dean is going to make it. I can’t believe that God would let you two come together and then just split you apart.” John truly believed that Cas and Dean were meant to be together. “You are the best thing to ever to happen to Dean, Castiel. You only have to be strong till I get there.” John said again, he had to get going to court. He didn’t want to be late. “I have to go for now, Cas. Call Bobby or Ellen, okay, and I promise, it’s going to be okay. We will make it through, Cas.”

When they hung up, Cas let himself break down, his head in his hands, sobbing so hard his shoulders were shaking. He was surprised when he felt arms around him. Cas moved to look up, and new tears spilled over when he saw Ellen. Cas buried his head in Ellen’s neck. God bless the Winchesters’ fame. He hugged her tightly, trying to take a breath. He didn’t know what he was going to say. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what his happened. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he felt like it was. Cas couldn’t stop the tears from coming, he clung to Ellen like she was a life preserver. 

Ellen rubbed his back. She knew how hard this was for him. She didn’t say anything, just let him get it out. One of the dispatchers had recognized Dean and had called her. She knew they had probably called John and had not gotten him. Ellen knew Dean had been meaning to change his emergency contact to Cas. Ellen wasn’t going to let herself think that it was too late. She couldn’t think that way. Ellen finally spoke. “It’s going to be okay, Cas. Dean’s going to make it. He’s strong, despite that ticker of his.” She knew that he had to believe that too. 

It seemed like they were there for hours, and it was, but Cas knew it wasn’t as many as he thought it was. He was pacing the waiting room, no one had come out to tell him anything about Dean yet. Cas was fingering his wedding ring. Ellen had gone to get them food. John had arrived, and he was here with Cas right now, but he had fallen asleep. Cas felt better just knowing John was there. Cas hadn’t called Jo and Frankie himself, but John had. Sam was on his way, he’d had some unavoidable errands to run. Cas was keeping an eye out for him. He knew that Sam might not see them right away. 

He couldn’t stop pacing. Why hadn’t they heard anything? How long did it take to get Dean’s heart stable? Before he could get the courage to go up to the nurses’ station, someone walked up to him. Cas wiped his eyes and met the eyes of the other person. That’s when he realized it was Gabriel. “Gabe? What….” Cas asked. He didn’t know what his brother was doing here. He hadn’t called him, they hadn’t talked in years. Gabriel looked upset about something. Cas kept his gaze on his brother, waiting for him to speak. He didn’t even know why he was here. It couldn’t be for Cas. 

It was a long story why he was here. Gabriel and his family lived in Houston. His wife, she was very sick and needed to be here in Dallas, this one of the best hospitals in Texas. Gabriel didn’t want to be here, talking to Cas. But Cas was his last resort. Gabriel looked at his brother, he could tell that Cas was distraught, and Gabriel was actually upset that he didn’t know why. He watched Cas twist a ring around his finger. Gabriel was surprised that Cas was married. Especially in Texas, where they were trying to overturn the right for gays to marry. Gabriel cleared his throat. “Castiel, I have to ask you something. I know you’re probably pissed at me…. And I don’t know that I blame you.” Gabriel held up his hand when Cas started to speak. “Just let me get this out. I don’t want to fight. I know I have no right to ask, but I need you to get tested to see if you’re a match for Gen.” 

Cas looked at him incredulously. He wasn’t saying that he wanted Genevieve to be sick, but his brother hadn’t even asked why he was already here. Cas let the anger he’d been feeling towards Gabriel and Michael for years come out. “You’re not even asking me why I’m here? You didn’t even ask me if I was okay! Obviously I’m upset, and this is a fucking hospital, Gabe! You are the most egotistical and selfish man I know! My husband is dying. Right at this very moment, somewhere in this hospital, he’s dying. He’s…” Cas paused, trying to compose himself. Behind him, John had woken and was watching groggily and curiously. Cas spoke again, his voice a little shaky. 

“Dean Winchester is my entire world. We have a daughter. Her aunt is trying to take her away, and Frankie already lost her mother. My entire life is falling apart. And where are you and Michael? Nowhere, hating me for something that I can’t change. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that Dean’s dying, it’s not fair that you abandoned me. It’s not fair that you have kids I’ve never even met. I’ve been praying that I would see you again, that you would come around. And you’re here, you’re finally here, but it’s to ask for something that you have no right to ask.”

Here’s where John stood, and stepped between Cas and Gabe. John folded his arms. “We haven’t met. I’m John Winchester. I’m Cas’ family now. I’m truly sorry, I know what it’s like to have a sick spouse. But Cas’ husband is my son. He’s dying. Cas is right, you’re out of line. You haven’t been in his life in years, and you don’t have a right to come here now and ask him for a favor. You need to leave, go back to your wife. You aren’t getting anything from Cas now. He’s never even met your kids or Genevieve.” 

Cas had never been more grateful for John than he was right now. He looked at Gabe from behind John, watching his brother’s features contort as he mulled over what John had said. Cas was grateful when instead of speaking, Gabriel walked away. Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and John caught him when his knees buckled. Cas leaned on him, and before he could say anything, someone else approached them. Cas turned to look at the new person, and it was a doctor. His heart fell to his feet, and he wished Ellen were back, and Sam was here, so they could hear too, he didn’t think he could get through telling them if it was bad. 

That’s when the doctor started talking, and Cas’ world was crashing down around his ears. Cas felt his knees buckling again, and John tightened his grip on him. Cas could hear this ringing in his ears, and he ran the words over in his brain. Dean was in a coma, in the ICU. His heart was on his last legs, and it couldn’t beat on its own without help. Cas digested this, heard John thanking the doctor, asking him what was going to be done. Cas buried his head in John’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath. He couldn’t be hearing what he was hearing. The doctor was telling John that he was going to die if they didn’t get a heart as soon as possible. But this had moved him up on the donor list. 

Then the conversation ended, after the doctor said they could visit, as long as it was just two at time and during visiting hours. They were strict on visiting hours around here. Cas knew he was in shock, and he clung to John tightly. He was whispering to Cas that it was going to be okay. Cas could barely hear him. It felt like he was going to pass out, there was a rushing in his ears. Dean had signed a DNR. They hadn’t gotten a chance to reverse it yet, they’d been busy dealing with the custody suit. He had signed it years ago, when he was 20 and had nothing to live for, or at least that’s what he’d told Cas. Cas lifted his head and looked at John, his mouth working soundlessly. Finally, the words came out. 

“Dad, he…. He signed a DNR. We haven’t gotten ‘round to reversing it yet.” 

Those words hit John like a bullet. He’d only been shot once, but he’d never forget what it felt like. John kept his arms tight around Cas as Sam and Ellen both came walking up, Ellen carrying some food bags from the cafeteria upstairs. John knew he had to call Jo and Frankie. It was down to brass tacks now. John helped Cas sit in a chair, knowing that he was in shock. John turned to his fiancee and son, and told them what the doctor had said, and he felt as terrified as he had ever been. John didn’t know what to do. He told them he was going to call Jo, his voice sounding wooden. John got down the hall, and the tears came. 

He couldn’t…. Dean couldn’t be dying. John had believed that they would get a heart before it would get to this. The hallway was deserted, it was getting to be dinner time. John looked up at the ceiling. “So, you’re going to do this?” He asked, needing to rail at someone. God was a good target. “Why are you doing this to him? He’s… he’s one of the best men I know. I know that part of that’s not even because of me, but he’s been fighting his whole life. He doesn’t deserve to be going through this. He’s been the best brother Sammy could ask for. He’s never asked for anything! His whole life. He just did what needed to be done.” 

Tears were slipping down his cheeks. John was quiet for a moment as he tried to wrap his mind around this. He couldn’t be losing his son. “Even when you took Mary…. And Dean was only four years old…. He asked me how Sam…. how Sam was going to remember Mary when he was so little.” John was getting more angry the more he talked. “He… he had lost his mother too, but all he could talk about was Sam wasn’t going to remember her because he was just a baby. Dean doesn’t deserve this. Never once in his entire life has he thought of himself first. It’s always someone else. There’s no reason that he should have to deal with this.” 

“Take me! He has a life, a good life. I don’t want to live on this planet without him! There has got to be something that you can do. You’re God! This…. Doesn’t have to happen. You can save him. Before it’s too late.” John couldn’t talk anymore, his voice was hoarse. He let himself cry, sinking to the floor. Resting his arms on his knees, he buried his head in them and let himself feel it. The whole brunt of it. 

Jo had to call Bobby, he was sitting for Frankie. She was too young to be here this late. Jo hurried inside, and when she got to the ICU, the mood was tense. Jo felt it as she walked up to her family. She knew that none of them needed this right now. Not with Sam’s court sessions. She didn’t like this. Sam filled her in, and Jo thought she was going to pass out. This was bad. Jo couldn’t speak, and she watched Cas. He was sitting there in a daze. Jo went to sit next to him. She touched his arm. “Come on, Cas, you and me will go and visit Dean before the visiting hours are over.” Jo knew about the DNR, and she was praying as hard as she could that it wouldn’t have to be an issue. 

She reached down and took Cas’ hand, lacing her fingers with his, and that seemed to get to him. He stood with her, and they walked down the hall to Dean’s room. Jo felt tears fill her eyes when she saw Dean lying there. He was larger than life. He was so strong. Jo squeezed Cas’ fingers, and he stepped away from her to step up to Dean’s bed. Jo put her hand to mouth, watching him. 

“Dean, it’s Cas.” He said, reaching out and taking Dean’s hand, wishing that he could feel the movement of Dean’s fingers squeezing back. His chin trembled as he watched the machines keeping his husband alive. Cas voice was trembling as he started to talk. “Jo’s here, too, baby. We’re all here. Frankie’s safe, she’s with Bobby. We need you to wake up, baby. They said…. That you need a new heart.” Cas was quiet a moment, watching Dean’s breathing. He was breathing by machines. It was hurting so much to see that. His strong, solid husband was breathing by machines. “Dean, baby, please. If you’re in there… you have to wake up. We have to change the DNR. You don’t… you can’t leave me and Frankie here.” 

It was the hardest thing he’d ever been through. Cas was feeling helpless again. It was all he could do to keep himself from having a panic attack. He had to be strong to speak for Dean. “Dean, I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise. I just, I need you.” His voice broke, and he was very aware that Jo was in the room, too. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost Dean. Sniffling, he tried to catch his breath. His blue eyes moved up to watch the monitor. Cas knew this was bad. This was really bad. Cas stared at it, as if he could will to save Dean. 

Reaching out, he stroked Dean’s cheek. What if he was gone already? What if he never heard Dean sing again? Cas couldn’t feel anything. He was numb. His voice was shaking and it was so soft he was sure that had Dean been awake he wouldn’t have heard him anyway. “Please, Dean. I can’t do this without you. I know I can’t. I can’t raise that little girl all by myself. I’m not…. I’m not done loving you.” Cas said, and he could hear Jo sobbing it was so quiet in the room. Cas couldn’t speak anymore. He watched Dean breathing, knowing that it was him. It was the machines. It wasn’t fair. Cas knew Dean didn’t deserve this. Dean was the first person that Cas had been with that he’d told his past to. Cas had never trusted anyone to stick around once they knew. Dean had. 

“I told you about me. No one else knows.” Cas said, his heart breaking into a million pieces all over again. This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be happening. Cas didn’t know how to change this and it was scaring the hell out of him. And why was he thinking that this was going to have a negative effect on the custody trial? That was the last thing he should be thinking about. Speaking of the custody trial, they were alerted to a clearing of a throat, and Lucy was standing in the hall. Cas didn’t know what he was going to say to her. He stood, letting go of Dean’s hand. He went out to the hallway, Jo moving to go inside and sit with Dean. 

Cas folded his arms as he looked at Lucy. “What the hell are you doing here? I know you don’t care whether Dean lives or dies.” He knew that was a harsh thing to say to her, but he didn’t want to be polite to her if he could help it. It was incredibly evil of her to try and take Frankie from them. Especially since it had been Charlie’s wish that he and Dean were to raise her after Charlie had passed on. 

Lucy met his eyes. She didn’t know exactly what she was doing here. She had heard about Dean and had honestly come to see how he was. Lucy had to admit, some of it had to do with seeing exactly how sick he was, and how it would affect the custody battle. Lucy didn’t know what she was going to say, she knew that Cas was smart enough to see past her being here. Lucy brushed her hand through her black hair. “Honestly, Castiel, I’m just here to see how Dean is.” She said, trying to keep her expression one of empathy. 

“I promise, Cas, that’s all I’m here for.” She knew that it didn’t really sound convincing, but she didn’t know what else to say that was going to sound better.

Cas folded his arms even more tightly as he looked at her. “You think I’m stupid? I know why you’re here. You’re here to find out how sick Dean is.” Cas accused. He didn’t want to fight with her, but he also didn’t want her to think that he was going to accept her just coming here to see how Dean was. “You’re the one who started this whole custody battle. You don’t get to show up here and try and see if Dean’s going to die.” Cas said these words a bit angrily, and he wasn’t able to keep his chin from trembling. Cas didn’t know what else to say. 

“You need to leave. I don’t want you here, and neither of us has our lawyers. They advised us not to see you without representation present.” Cas said, and he really hoped that she would listen. Cas didn’t want to have to call someone to make her leave. He wasn’t that petty of a person. “Dean would not want you here if he could speak up.” Cas told her firmly, trying to keep from breaking down and really crying while she could see him. 

Lucy knew that he was right. “So, he is really sick then.” She said, he had basically confirmed that. Lucy brushed her hand through her long black hair again. She didn’t want Dean to die. She didn’t. She knew how much that would mess up Frankie. Lucy was starting to have doubts about this whole custody battle. She knew that Frankie was mad about it. She had tried to explain that she was going to give her a better home than her daddies, and Frankie had gotten very upset. She said that she didn’t want to leave her parents. Lucy knew that she was being a bitch. She knew that. Lucy didn’t like that she was, she just knew that she had to do this. Lucy’s brown eyes met Cas’, and she knew that Dean was dying. 

“Castiel… for what it’s worth, I am sorry that Dean’s so sick.” Lucy couldn’t say the word dying. Cas was barely holding it together, and she knew that it was because he didn’t want to cry in front of her. Lucy could respect that. She didn’t want him to get upset either, because she didn’t know how to handle that. They didn’t really know each other well enough for that. Lucy reached out carefully and touched Cas’ shoulder. “I’m sorry, Castiel. I know how much you love him.” It had been a long time since she had been in Dean’s life, and she was beyond surprised that he had married a man. 

It was something Cas didn’t exactly believe, but it still felt good to hear. “It doesn’t matter whether you are or not. I would still like you to leave.” Cas said, and looked up in surprise when Ellen came walking up. “Did you want to see Dean?” He asked her, with only Jo inside she could. He met her eyes, and wondered what was going on. She had a look on her face that Cas wasn’t sure he liked. He couldn’t ask her about it with Lucy standing here, he didn’t want to ask what it was. He didn’t want to give her any ammunition if he didn’t have to.

Ellen looked between the two of them. She didn’t want to say what she had to tell Cas with Lucy here. Bobby and Frankie had showed up, and she knew that they had to let Frankie see Dean, it was getting down to brass tacks, and she didn’t want to have to live with herself if Dean passed and Frankie hadn’t seen him at least one more time. Ellen said, “I have something to tell you, Cas, but I think it should be in private, given the circumstances.” She also had some news about Gabriel’s wife, and she knew that it was going to get to Cas at least a little. Since he had turned down helping her. She didn’t blame him though, it had been incredibly appalling that Gabriel had asked for Cas’ help when he’d been out of his life for years. 

Cas met her eyes, and he could tell that she had bad news. “Lucy, please, just go.” He said, and she finally acquiesced, leaving. Cas turned to look at Ellen. “Please, just tell me whatever it is.” Cas pleaded, he couldn’t take anything right now, and he felt like the best way to tell him was to just pull it off like a bandaid. Cas tried to brace himself. “I can’t…. Just, say it. I can’t handle anything else right now, and I don’t want you to spare my feelings, just tell me.” 

She touched his shoulder. “Cas, I hate to be the one to tell you this. I don’t want you to feel guilty, either. It wasn’t right of Gabriel to ask you for something like that.” She didn’t want him to feel like it was his fault. Cas was such a good man, and she knew that he was going to feel at least a little guilty. Ellen tried to keep her tone calm as she said, “Cas, Genevieve passed away about an hour ago.” She knew that it was going to be a blow to Cas, even though he’d never had a chance to be in her life. 

The news was a bit of a blow to Cas. He hadn’t doubted that she was sick, since Gabriel had deigned to ask him to help her, but it hadn’t really crossed his mind that she might be that sick. Cas did feel a little guilty, but not as much as he thought he would. Gabriel’s wife was literally nothing to him, despite the fact that she had been his sister in law. Cas didn’t know what to do. He knew what Gabriel was going through, but the part of him that was still angry didn’t want to go and comfort him. Gabriel had tossed Cas out of his life without a care or worry. 

“I don’t know what to do…. I don’t really know her from Adam, she was just married to the brother that tossed me out of his life.” Cas didn’t feel guilty for not helping her. He didn’t care what that made him look like. Cas sighed and ran his hand through his black hair. He didn’t want to think about that. He was losing his husband. And they had to find some way to subvent that DNR. Cas didn’t want to lose him to something that was just a technicality. “I appreciate you telling me, Ellen. I really do. I just, I can’t deal with it right now. Dean’s… I’m too worried about Dean.” He honestly couldn’t focus on anything else. 

His eyes softened when he saw his daughter approaching with Bobby. It was so late, and he knew that they were keeping her from sleeping, but he knew that they had to let her see Dean. She might not have many more chances. Cas knew that they might lose him, even with Dean being number one on the list for a new heart now. Cas leaned down and held out his arms for her as she ran up to him. “Frankie. Papa loves you.” He said, hugging her tightly. He didn’t know how to make this easier for her. Cas knew that it was the hardest thing to lose a parent. He’d lost both of his at the same time. 

Cas hugged her for a bit, and then she said she wanted to see Daddy, so Cas lifted her in his arms and went inside Dean’s room, Jo leaving to let them have some privacy. Cas watched as Frankie crawled carefully up onto Dean’s bed and sat with him, telling him about her day. Cas watched, his eyes brushing with tears. Frankie loved Dean more than he had ever seen her love anyone, and he knew that she wasn’t going to be able to bounce back well if she lost him. Cas had barely been able to handle it when he’d lost his parents, and he’d been an adult. He couldn’t imagine going through it when you were a child. Cas’ heart was breaking, while Frankie was telling Dean calmly about what happened to her that day, how many new outfits she’d gotten with Auntie Jo. She told him he could see them when he woke up. Cas was aching inside, he knew that it might not happen and it was hard to watch. 

When she was finished, Frankie kissed Dean’s cheek and crawled up into Cas’ lap and fell asleep. Cas watched the machines, keeping Dean breathing, and he wished that Dean would wake up. He knew that Dean might be lost to him forever. Cas couldn’t let himself think that, even if his brain kept going there. Cas didn’t want to think about losing him. He looked down at his sleeping daughter, whose thumb was in her mouth. Cas had been trying to break her of that, Dean had been a proponent of her sucking it if it made her happy. Cas just didn’t want her to have problems with her teeth. Cas sighed and while he was so upset right now, he was truly enjoying Frankie sleeping in his lap. Cas reached out carefully and took Dean’s hand, lacing his fingers tightly with his husband’s. 

“Dean, I can’t do any of this without you. I just need you to hang on till we get you a new heart. I want you to make it. Frankie…. She can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.” Cas didn’t know what else to say. He just knew that he wasn’t going to make it through if Dean didn’t. Cas sighed as he watched the machines breathe for his husband, and Cas wondered if he’d ever get to hold him in his arms again. He still couldn’t keep from blaming himself for what had happened. Dean had been making out with him when he’d had his attack. 

The next few days were hard on all of them. Dean was still hanging in, but Cas had been worried a lot about him, the doctor had told him that Dean had died during the procedure and they’d had to bring him back. Cas didn’t want that to happen again. He hadn’t left the hospital much, he was able to get around the visiting hours rule because of Dean being a Winchester. Cas was knitting a sweater for Dean. He hadn’t spoken to Gabriel again since he’d seen him the other day, and he knew that Gabriel was mad at him for not helping Gen. Cas didn’t care, he was still angry at Gabriel. It felt so freeing to finally let his real feelings out. 

Cas looked at the bed, Dean was still alive, but the doctor said he might not make it till a new heart became available. Cas was as nervous as he would ever be, and he wished that he could do something more than just be here for Dean. Cas had spoken to their lawyer, and he said that it didn’t look good, but at least with Dean in the hospital it put things off. It was the small silver lining. Cas looked at Dean, wishing that he could just wave a magic wand and get Dean to wake up. He was making the sweater green, so it would bring out the green in Dean’s eyes. He held it up to Dean, seeing how it was going to fit. 

“Oh Dean, I just hope you wake up before a new heart comes.” Cas sighed. Little did he know that his wish was going to be granted. 

 

_**Author’s note: So, yeah, that got angsty fast. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I promise, Dean’s not going to die. I hope ya’ll are hanging in there. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next, this wasn’t exactly planned out. There may be another update within the next few days, insanejournal is down and I can’t tag till it’s back up. Ugh. Anyways, I hope you feel compelled to leave a review!** _


	12. Permanent

Chapter Twelve: Permanent

A couple of days later, Cas was asleep in the chair in Dean’s room, when Dean woke. He gasped awake and started to fight against the tube that was breathing for him. Cas didn’t wake up, he was a sound sleeper. Thankfully, someone was walking by and hurried in to help Dean. Dean didn’t remember what had happened. The last thing he remembered, he’d been playing his guitar for Cas. Dean wondered what was going on. He looked up at the nurse who was working on helping him. Dean asked, “What happened? Why am I here? It’s my heart, right?” He asked, firing off the questions quickly. 

She explained to him what had happened, and Dean had to admit, he was incredibly scared. Dean listened to everything she had to say, and he wondered when there was going to be a heart. He looked at her, his voice shaking, and he asked her if she knew how to get some papers that would reverse a DNR. Dean had to change it, he didn’t want to just leave the world and leave Cas and Frankie alone without him. Dean was glad that she said she had the forms and she could bring them in a few minutes.

Dean called out, “Cas! Cas, baby, wake up.” He wished he had something to throw at him. Dean also couldn’t move, he was hooked up to five million machines. He was glad when Cas woke up, a bit groggy, and immediately crossed to him and kissed him. Dean kissed back, cupping Cas’ chin. When Cas pulled back, Dean said, “I can’t…. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish…. I told the nurse I wanted to sign papers reversing the DNR.” That brought a smile and tears to Cas’ face, and Dean had to admit, that made him really happy. He watched as Cas sat down with him on the bed, being careful not to knock anything loose.

He brushed his hand through Dean’s hair. Cas was so glad that he was awake. “I am so glad you woke up.” Cas was so scared though. Dean was awake, and he was going to reverse the DNR, but he still had so little time. Cas brushed his hand across his cheeks, wiping his eyes. Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand, holding it tightly. “I love you so much, Dean.” Cas said, he was so scared this would be the last time he got to tell him that. Cas couldn’t keep the tears from brushing his eyes. His hands were shaking. 

“Dean, what if…. What if you don’t make it?” Cas asked, and he was crying, and Dean reached up to wipe some of the tears off his face. Cas hadn’t let himself say that out loud yet. He was surprised that he was saying it now. Cas just, he was so scared that he was going to lose Dean forever. Cas fingered Dean’s blankets, and he wished he could speak without crying. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost Dean. “They… they still don’t have a heart for you yet.” Cas hated that they were still waiting. He knew that it sounded awful to be wishing for someone to die for Dean to have a heart, but he couldn’t help it. Dean deserved to live. 

“Cas, I promise, we’re gonna get through this. What did the lawyer say about the custody hearing?” Dean asked, he needed to know. When Cas looked reluctant, he shook his head. “No, I want you to be honest. Tell me what’s going on. You adopted Frankie, we’re going to be fine. Tell me what the lawyer said about the custody hearing.” Dean said, and Cas sighed, but he told him. Dean thought that it sounded not too bad, things were at least paused until he was out of the hospital. So this at least had a small silver lining. 

Reaching out, he took Cas’ hand. “I am so sorry that we’re going through this. But honestly, it’s not so bad. We know that I need a new heart. I got moved up on the list.” Dean knew that he probably didn’t know as bad as had been. Dean wondered if his husband would tell him if he asked. Dean wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. What if he’d died on the table or something? Dean wasn’t sure he could handle that information. Dean wondered if he was going to make it though. He was trying to be positive for Cas, but he was just as scared as he could be. Dean hadn’t ever been so scared in his life. Dean had to look away, his eyes were starting to fill with tears. 

Cas reached out and brushed some of his tears off his husband’s face. “You’re right, Dean. We’re going to be fine.” Cas said. He didn’t know how he was going to make it through this, but he had to. Dean was the best thing that had ever happened to him. “Tell me what you’re thinking. I need to know. If you’re scared, I need you to tell me.” Cas said, he wanted to know what Dean was thinking. At the moment, Cas was trying to calm down. The nurse came back in with the papers, and Cas was a lot relieved. Cas watched as she got them set up on the table that was attached to Dean’s bed. Cas watched as she made sure to check Dean’s vitals again, and he had to admit, he was feeling a little less nervous. 

She left after she was finished, and Cas looked at Dean. “Is there anything I need to sign?” He asked, as Dean started looking through the papers. It had been a long time since Cas had had to sign something, and he didn’t know what he would do if something was going to happen to Dean as a result of something he had to sign his name to. Cas knew that he was overthinking things. Cas was saved with saying anything when his cell phone rang. “Hello?” Cas asked. Frankie was with John and Ellen. He hoped it wasn’t them with a problem with her or something. 

“Cas? It’s Jo.” She said. Jo was checking on Dean. She had just gotten back from a doctor’s appointment. The baby was doing well. Jo had to admit, she was really happy about that. Jo was putting together some food to bring to Cas, she knew that he hadn’t been eating much lately. Jo didn’t want him to start wasting away. “I’m checking on Dean, and I’m stopping by the hospital, I’m bringing you something to eat.” Sam was working. Thankfully, the charges with Balthazar were done, the judge had ruled that Sam was acting in defense of Jo. She was making some sandwiches and there was chicken salad. 

“I am concerned about how you’ve been eating. And I have some good news.” Jo was glad that they finally had good news. She didn’t know what they would do if things didn’t start turning around. It was long enough that they’d been dealing with all of this. Jo had made turkey and cheese sandwiches, and there were cookies. She knew how much Cas loved cookies. Jo hoped that Dean was still hanging in there. “Does he have a heart yet?” She asked, she had to know. She had been praying as hard as she could. 

Cas was glad it was Jo. “Hey, Jo.” He said. “Actually, Dean’s awake.” He said, and was rewarded with her squeal of happiness. He stepped out of the room so he could talk to her, and Dean could concentrate on the papers. “I appreciate you bringing food by, I am actually starving.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to eat if she didn’t come down. “He’s signing papers reversing the DNR.” Cas let out a sigh of relief. He had been praying for this, and he was so glad that Dean had awakened so he could fix that. Cas couldn’t imagine losing Dean as a result of that. 

“Have you heard from John and Ellen?” He asked, he hadn’t gotten a text from them yet. Although it was only 3 in the afternoon. Cas could hardly believe it was so late. He’d been sleeping far too long. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do if he had to be here too much longer. Cas didn’t have a problem with work, he could work anywhere, it’s what was the handy thing about being a freelance writer. Cas brushed his hand through his hair, and he saw Dean’s doctor coming down the hall. “Oh, let me call you back, Jo, Dean’s doctor is here.” Cas said, he really had to know if they’d found a heart. 

Dean looked up when his doctor came in the room. Dean didn’t even know who his doctor was. “Do you have good news?” Dean asked. He was glad that someone had told the doctor he was awake. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy cheek. He had to shave. In all honesty, he needed a haircut too. Dean didn’t like to grow his hair like Sam did. Dean teased him about it all the time. “We haven’t officially met yet, Doc.” Dean said, and the doctor stepped forward to shake Dean’s hand. 

The doctor shook Dean’s hand. “I’m Dr. Taylor, it’s nice to see that you’re awake, Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Taylor looked up as Cas came in. “Hello, Mr. Winchester.” He said. Dean watched as Cas sat down next to Dean on the bed, and reached out to take his hand, lacing his fingers through his tightly. Dean looked at Dr. Taylor. “So what’s the skinny? Is there a heart?” Dean asked, wondering if that was why he was in here. He really hoped that that was why he was here, and not just because Dean was awake. He still had to breathe with machines, and he really didn’t want that to be a thing anymore. He wanted to be off the machines and out of the hospital.

“Actually, Mr. Winchester, we do have a heart for you.” Cas’ eyes rose to his hairline. “Are you serious?” He asked, and Dr. Taylor nodded. Cas could barely hear as he went through the donor for them, there was a car accident and there was an 18 year old girl who had a heart that was perfect for Dean. Cas’ eyes were filling with tears. He couldn’t believe it. Dean was getting a new heart. Cas buried his head in Dean’s neck, he was so happy he could barely speak. Dr. Taylor kept talking, he was telling them that Dean was going to go under the knife in just a couple of hours, the heart was on the way from Houston. 

After he’d made sure they knew all they needed to know, he left them alone. Cas didn’t know how they had gotten so lucky. He lifted his head, and kissed Dean. “I can’t believe you’re getting a heart. An 18 year old heart.” Cas said, he couldn’t believe how lucky they were. It was unbelievable. Cas couldn’t believe it. “Oh, I have to call Jo back.” Cas said, reaching for his cell phone. He couldn’t believe it. They were going to have to call everyone. Tell them that Dean was finally getting a new heart. Cas looked into Dean’s green eyes, and brushed his hand through his hair. “You’re going to be okay. I can’t…” Cas could hardly breathe, he was so happy. 

Dean kissed him again. He didn’t know how this had happened. “I’m getting a heart, baby.” Dean said, trying out the words. He was still in shock. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do with a healthy heart. He hadn’t ever had one before. He also couldn’t believe that he was lucky enough to have an 18 year old heart. Dean had to admit he the first thing that he wanted to do when he was out of the hospital was eat the biggest cheeseburger known to man. Dean knew that he couldn’t just go crazy but he couldn’t help wanting to go a little crazy, he’d never been able to just go that nuts. It wasn’t fair. 

He watched as Cas went out of the room to call Jo. As he did, John came in. Dean wasn’t able to keep the smile off his face, and his eyes were actually misty. “Dad.” He said, as John came in, carrying a bag of food from the deli down the street. Dean sniffed, it smelled good. “Dad, they said they have a heart for me. It’s coming from Houston, I’m going under the knife in a couple of hours.” Dean said. He couldn’t believe it. He watched as John sat down and started taking out food. He handed Dean a turkey sandwich. Dean put the finished papers on top of Cas’ bag so it was out of the way and John set some apple chips next to his sandwich, and a bottle of Vitamin water. 

John had brought food for Cas too, he knew that Jo was on her way, but he’d already stopped at the deli when he spoke to her. Ellen was closing up Harvelle’s for the night, and he was glad she’d decided to, since Dean was going to have surgery. John couldn’t believe that Dean was finally getting a heart. He reached out and clapped Dean on the shoulder. “I am so glad that you’re finally getting a heart, kid.” John didn’t know how they had gotten so lucky. John looked up as Cas came into the room, he still looked like he was in shock. “You okay, Castiel?” John asked, reaching into the bag and handing him a bag of apple chips and a ham sandwich. 

“I’m fine, Dad.” He sat down to eat, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. “I can’t… I’m still kind of in shock.” Cas said, as he watched Dean opening the bag of apple chips. He was glad that John had brought food, although apparently Jo was too. Cas thought that it was okay though, they’d have to be here for awhile, and Cas knew he could get some of the nurses to keep anything cold that they might have that needed to be cold. Cas was just glad that they were finally catching a break. 

Dean watched as Cas sat down next to him in the bed, he seemed to not want to be far from him now that he was awake. Dean didn’t mind at all. He brushed his hand through his hair. “I can’t wait till I can get a haircut. I’m going to look like Sammy before too long.” Dean smirked, as he opened his Vitamin water. He couldn’t wait till he could at least have a burger. Dean liked turkey sandwiches but they so weren’t the same. Dean was nervous about the surgery. He knew that he needed it, but he was still nervous about what might happen. 

“I’m so scared.” He said, looking at the floor. Cas touched his shoulder. “What if…. What if I don’t wake up?” He asked, Dean had been worrying about that ever since they told him he’d need a new heart. Dean didn’t want to not wake up. He knew it was a possibility. Dean shivered as he thought about what might happen if he didn’t. He had a life now. He didn’t want to leave his family alone without him. Dean’s eyes brushed with tears. He looked into Cas’ eyes. “I can’t… I have to wake up, Cas.” 

When Dean’s voice broke on that last sentence, Cas could feel his heart breaking. Cas brushed some tears off Dean’s face. “I promise you’ll wake up, Dean. You are going to get through this surgery and you’re going to live a long time.” Cas hated that Dean was so scared. Cas kissed him softly, and reached to touch Dean’s chest. “This heart, it’s bad, and they’re going to put the new one in here, and it’s going to be fine.” Cas didn’t know how he could make Dean feel less scared. He was scared too. But he had to have faith that he was going to make it. Cas had to keep the tears from gathering in his own eyes. 

Cas didn’t know what he was going to say to get Dean to believe that he was going to be okay. “I have to believe that you’re going to make it, Dean.” John had fallen quiet, trying not to interrupt their moment. He didn’t know how this was going to shake out, but it had to work in his favor. He didn’t want to lose Dean. “They’re very good here, they know what they’re doing.” Cas had spent the better part of a week here, he knew the place inside and out. He knew exactly what they were like. He knew that they were going to do the best job by Dean that they could. 

“Doesn’t make me any less nervous, Cas.” Dean said, shaking his head. He knew that Cas had to believe that. And honestly, he should too, because he shouldn’t go into the surgery being nervous. That wasn’t going to help anything. He didn’t know how to be positive about this though. He was so nervous and so scared. Dean picked up an apple chip and ate it, his hands shaking as he put it in his mouth. Cas reached out and touched Dean’s arm. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do if this didn’t work. He knew that he was going to die if it didn’t, but he didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. So he was just going to be floating in space or something. Or haunting Cas. He didn’t want to do that. Plus, Dean wasn’t sure he really believed in ghosts. Sam did though.

This is when John broke his silence. He reached out and touched Dean’s knee. “Dean, you’re going to be fine, kid. You’re going to make it through this. You have to think positively. You can do it.” John didn’t want Dean to go into heart surgery thinking he wasn’t going to make it. John was scared as hell himself, he didn’t want to lose Dean. He knew that it was a possibility, but they had to be optimistic. He kept Dean’s glance, and he hated that Dean was looking like he was going to cry. John was reminded of the little four year old boy that he’d had to tell his mom was gone. It made his own eyes well up with tears. 

“Dean, please. Don’t go into this thing thinking that you’re not going to make it. They tell you that that has an effect on whether you will or not. I need you to be sure, because I’m scared as hell too.” John said, his voice breaking a little as he looked into Dean’s eyes. Cas was full out crying, wiping his eyes with a tissue. “We’ve known this was coming for a long time. You were always going to need a new heart. You got the raw end of the deal when it comes to hearts. But Dean, you deserve to make it through. You deserve to have th life you want. You have always been thinking of others before you think of yourself. You deserve the best that life has to offer.” He wasn’t able to get through that without his eyes watering. 

Dean didn’t know what to say to that, and he could only look at his father with tears in his eyes. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. Dean just hoped that his father was right. He couldn’t even consider the alternative. Dean knew that he’d almost died. It didn’t fill him with confidence. He knew that this was it. It was now or never. And that scared him more than anything ever had his entire life. 

The surgery took hours. Cas fell asleep in the waiting room, he hadn’t wanted to be away from Dean, he wanted to be as close to him as he could. It was decided that Bobby would watch Frankie at his place and the rest of the adults would be at the hospital. Cas was nudged awake, the last time he’d been awake it had been dark. Cas sat up groggily, and looked into the face of his father in law. “Is…. is it over?” Cas asked, instantly awake. His entire body was on fire, he didn’t know what had happened and he was more scared than he would admit out loud. Cas waited with baited breath, it was hard to tell if it was good or bad by the look on John’s face. 

“They’re done… Dean’s in his room now. It was…. It was touch and go for awhile.” John’s rough voice was unsteady. “He almost…. We almost lost him. They… they said he’s stable now, but they still have to monitor him and make sure that his body doesn’t reject the heart. But they said that he is most likely out of the woods now. Dean’s going to be okay, Cas.” John said, his eyes filling with tears as he spoke the words. It was something that he’d never thought would happen. He had honestly thought that the way Dean lived his life would have taken him from them way too soon. 

When those words sunk in, Cas felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. His eyes brushed with tears, and he barely heard John when he told him that Dean was still under the anesthesia. Cas nodded slowly, and he wondered when Dean was going to wake up. It was… Dean was going to be okay. Cas knew that it would have been touch and go, and if he was being honest with himself, he’d been expecting to lose Dean. For him to have to raise Frankie all by himself. This was good though, this was the best thing that could have happened. Cas looked around, still feeling in shock. Dean had made it. He was going to be okay. Ellen and Jo had gone home to get some sleep, so it was just him, John, and Sam here. Sam was asleep too, and Cas was touched that John had woken him first. 

He watched as John moved to wake Sam and give him the news. Cas had heard John tell him that he could go in and see Dean, and he got up and moved on autopilot to Dean’s room. He didn’t know how they had made it through this, but Cas honestly felt like it was going to be okay now. Cas stepped into Dean’s room, he was still sleeping, but he looked so peaceful. Cas moved to sit next to the bed, his hand reaching out and touching Dean’s chest, right where his new heart was. Cas pulled down Dean’s gown a bit, and looked at the incision, they’d sewed him up, and there was a huge bandage covering it. Cas felt his eyes brimming with tears as he looked at it. 

Dean was okay. He was going to be okay. Cas hadn’t lost him forever. Frankie was still going to have her father around. Cas felt the tears slipping down his cheeks, and he reached out and took Dean’s hand. “It’s going to be okay, baby. We’re going to be just fine.” Cas managed to say, he really hoped that Dean could hear him. Cas had to believe that he could. Cas wiped his eyes with his free hand, and watched his husband breathing in and out. He was breathing with the help of machines, but Cas knew that was going to change. Dean was going to get to go home. Cas hadn’t lost him. That filled him with such a sense of peace and happiness that Cas could barely believe it. 

“You’re going to be okay.” 

One week later

Dean was so tired of the four walls of his hospital room. The good part was he was moved out of the ICU wing. Dean was so wanting to go home. They had told him that his body had accepted the heart quite well, and so he wondered why he was even still here. Dean wanted to go home. He wanted to sleep in his own bed with Cas. They were going to move the bed back up to the master bedroom after Dean had been home for a few weeks, because Dean was finally going to be able to live a normal life. Dean didn’t even know what that was going to be like, since he’d never really had a normal life.

There was a clearing of a throat in the doorway, and Dean looked up. A blonde girl he’d never seen before stood there. She looked to be a teenager. “Um, can I help you?” Dean asked, wondering why someone who didn’t know him would come to visit him. Dean looked at her, she had blue eyes that reminded him of Cas’ blue eyes. 

Claire Novak took in the look of Dean and wondered what she was going to say. “I’m Claire Novak. Castiel is my uncle.” She said, she was Gabriel’s daughter. Claire didn’t know what she was doing here. Her father would kill her. And honestly, she was missing her mother. Claire knew that Cas’ husband was here, and she wanted to know her uncle better. She hadn’t even met him. Claire watched Dean’s eyes widen. “I’m…. my dad would kill me if he knew I was here. But I have to… I want to get to know Castiel. He’s my family. And…” 

Then there was the fact that she was a lesbian herself. She didn’t think that her dad was going to want her around when he found out. Claire lifted up her duffel bag. “I need to talk to him. I can’t…. I can’t go back home.” Claire was trying to circumvent her father tossing her out of the house. She knew it was going to happen, and she didn’t want to stick around for it. “Cas is the only person I have to go to. My dad…. He’s not going to want me around.” 

That was news to Dean. “Um, he’s here, he went to get something to eat. He’ll be back in a few minutes.” Dean watched as she came inside, and sat down in one of the armchairs by the bed. “I guess I’m your Uncle Dean.” Dean said, he’d never thought of the possibility of Cas’ nieces and nephews being in his life. Since Cas had said that his brothers didn’t want to be in his life. “Is your dad Michael or Gabriel?” Dean asked, not sure what he wanted the answer to be. He had been told that Gabriel had come when he was unconscious and had asked Cas to help out his wife. Dean didn’t know with what, but Cas had told her she’d died. Dean felt bad that she’d had to die, but he knew that it wasn’t on Cas. Honestly, the audacity of Gabriel had surprised him. Not in someone’s life for so long and then ask for a favor? He didn’t blame Cas for turning him down. 

“Gabriel’s my dad.” Claire said, watching Dean curiously. “He’s…. He’s not going to…” Claire took a breath, and she was quiet a moment before she started speaking again. “I’m a lesbian. My dad is going to want to disown me and kick me out. I left a note for him that I was leaving and I came here. Cas is… he’s the only person I can trust to take me in. Uncle Michael would kick me out too. Although I know that he’s a total hypocrite, because he totally hooked up with some guy last Christmas.” 

That was interesting news. Dean didn’t know how to digest that she’d left home. Dean was starving himself, and he really hoped that a nurse would bring his lunch soon. Dean looked at her, she was very pretty, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Dean could tell she was related to Cas. They had some of the same facial features. Dean looked at her, not sure what to say. “I know that Cas won’t want to let you stay on the street. He’s always told me that he wished he knew you kids, but he was of course concerned that you guys wouldn’t accept him, because of what Gabriel and Genevieve must have said about him.” 

Before he could say anything more, Cas came in, carrying a bag of food from the cafeteria. Dean looked up. “Hey, baby. Please tell me you got enough so I can have something, my lunch hasn’t come yet and I’m starved.” He said, as Cas moved to the bed to kiss him. Dean hadn’t been awake when Cas had left, Dean had found the note Cas had left him. Dean peeked into Cas’ bag, and grinned, grabbing out the piece of apple pie he saw there. “Score, I love you, baby.” Dean said, grabbing out the fork too. 

That’s when Cas noticed Claire. “Claire?” He asked. He only had seen her in pictures. Cas wished he’d known she was coming. Then his blue eyes settled on the bag she had sitting next to her chair. “Claire, what’s that bag for?” He asked, setting the bag of food on the bed, not even noticing Dean tearing into the apple pie. Cas wasn’t sure what he wanted her answer to be, but it seemed to be that she thought she was running away from home. Cas didn’t want that, mostly because he didn’t want Gabriel to somehow blame him for it. Cas sat down, reaching to get out the sandwich and chips he’d gotten for Dean. He knew that lunch could be late. 

“I hope you’re not trying to run away from home.” 

Claire didn’t know that he was going to like what she had to say. Because that in fact was what she was doing. “I am running away from home, Castiel. Dad’s….” She stopped, casting her glance at Dean, who was inhaling the pie like he’d never eaten pie before. It was kind of funny. Claire turned back to look at Cas. “I’m gay, Cas.” She said, deciding that the best thing was to just get it out in the open. She had only ever seen him in pictures too, at her great aunt’s house. Claire knew she could have gone to her, since she accepted Castiel, but Claire hadn’t been sure she wouldn’t call her dad. Claire knew that she didn’t want Gabriel to know where she was. She knew that if Cas did call her dad, he wouldn’t tell him where she was if she told him not to. Claire watched Cas’ eyes widen. “I’m… I can’t live with him for two more years, Castiel. He’s going to kick me out when he finds out anyway.” 

Cas didn’t know what to say, but he knew she was right about Gabriel. He would kick her out. He got out his own lunch, a sandwich and a salad. “Are you hungry? I have another sandwich and some salad if you’re hungry.” Cas handed Dean an apple juice, and pulled out another one for him. When Claire said she was hungry, he handed her the extra sandwich and salad, and one of the dressings he’d gotten. Dean was still eating the pie, leaving his sandwich and chips for last. Cas wasn’t a bit surprised. He’d thought Dean deserved a treat, he’d been so good since the surgery. “I don’t…. Why did you come to me? I know that I’m your only relative that would understand your predilection, but that doesn’t mean that you should be here, I mean, you don’t even know me.” 

It was odd, that she’d chosen to come to him. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you, Claire. I do. I just…” The truth was, he and Dean had so much on their plate right now. Cas didn’t want to add something else. Although he knew that he couldn’t send Claire away, not when he knew that Gabriel wouldn’t take her back when he found out what she was. 

“Cas, baby, we can’t let her go, she’s not got anywhere else to go.” Dean said, reaching for his sandwich. Dean looked at his husband. “I know that we’ve got a lot going on, but we can’t let her go stay somewhere else. She’d end up in some shelter or something.” Dean didn’t know what she was going through from personal experience, because he didn’t think he’d ever have had to worry about not being accepted by his family, but he didn’t like the idea of Cas’ niece being out there and they weren’t helping her. Dean took a large bite of his sandwich, roast beef, score. 

“We have room for her. And I’m sure Frankie would love to have a cousin.” He didn’t know what Frankie and Cas would have done if he hadn’t made it through his surgery. Dean couldn’t stop thinking about what might have been. He knew that he had to work on that, it wasn’t good to dwell, especially since he was fine. Dean just couldn’t let it go. He supposed that he could eventually, since he knew it had been touch and go in the surgery. Cas hadn’t wanted him to know, so he hadn’t told his husband that he’d overheard John and Sam talking when he was supposed to be asleep. 

Claire was spreading some of the dressing over her salad, and she looked at Dean when he mentioned Frankie. “You have a son?” She asked Cas, wondering if it was his biologically. She didn’t know if that wasn’t a new development, she’d have heard of it before now if it wasn’t. “Aunt Maggie’s never mentioned that you had a kid.” Claire said, picking up her fork to mix up the dressing in her salad. She didn’t know what she was going to do if Cas and Dean didn’t take her in. She knew that they were married, she’d seen the notice in the newspaper. Claire had always tried to keep track of her uncle, she’d read all of his articles in the Dallas paper. Claire had known from an early age what she was, and she had known almost her whole life what Cas was. 

“Frankie’s our daughter.” Cas said. “She’s Dean’s biologically from another relationship.” He didn’t doubt that Frankie would love to have a cousin. It was going to be months yet before Jo’s baby was born, and the baby would be too little for Frankie to play with. And honestly, it would be nice for them to have another babysitter. Cas didn’t really know what the best move was. “Has your dad tried to call you since you left Houston? How did you get here?” He asked, wondering if she had a car that Gabriel might try and make her return. If she came here by bus, she was braver than he thought she was. And more determined. After a glance at Dean, he said, “If you’re going to stay with us, you have to call your dad and tell him that you’re okay. You don’t have to tell him where you are, not if you don’t want to, but you have to at least let him know that you’re okay.” 

Claire sighed. She had expected Cas to say something like that. “I told him where I was going, and I’ve heard from him twice. But I didn’t answer. As soon as he knows why I left, he’s going to stop calling. I didn’t want to tell him till I knew you would let me stay. Not that I want to stay with him, but I didn’t want him to know for sure till I knew.” Claire didn’t doubt for a moment that her father was going to disown her. She honestly was surprised that Cas had hooked up with someone with a kid. “Have you adopted her officially?” She asked curiously. She wondered if the little girl was okay with having two dads. She was sure she was, although she didn’t know for sure how old the girl was. 

Dean, once his mouth was free of food, said, “Cas adopted her. Right now, her maternal aunt is trying to get custody from us.” He didn’t know if he wanted to go into the whole story right now. “She’s only been in my life for a few months, her mother never told me about her. She’s three.” Although she was going to be four very shortly, in about a month and a half. Dean didn’t know what he would do without her. They had to beat Lucy’s custody suit. Dean knew it helped that he’d had his surgery, Lucy couldn’t use the fact that he had a bad heart against him. He knew how much of a long shot her case was though. 

He and Cas were perfectly fine parents, and they had an extended family to be in Frankie’s life, and to help them with her. Lucy had no one else in her life. At least, not family wise. Dean knew that was in their favor also. He reached for his apple juice and looked at Claire. “We’re not going to let you have to go to a shelter. We’ve got a bedroom for you. My dad’s going to love to meet you.” Dean said. He knew that John would be glad that they were helping out Claire. She was Cas’ flesh and blood, and if there was one thing that the WInchesters were all about, it was family. You didn’t give up on blood. 

Claire was glad that Cas seemed to have found his own little family. She had to admit, she was glad that he’d found a husband. It gave her hope that she’d find her own family someday. She had left a girl back in Houston, but it hadn’t ended well. She hadn’t been able to be with her properly, and the girl had broken up with her. Not that she blamed her. It was hard to have to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t out to their family. She was glad that she’d taken the chance that Cas would still be here at the hospital. “I’ll tell him I’m safe but I’m not telling him where I am.” 

She watched as Dean and Cas interacted, and she wondered what it must be like to hate people simply because of who they had a crush on. Who they were in love with. Claire couldn’t imagine having that much hate in your heart. Claire brushed her hand through her hair and she had to admit, Cas looked really happy. Maybe she could be happy too one day. And maybe she’d be able to find the courage to tell Cas that she was really his daughter. 

_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?_  
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry  
And everything it will surely change even if I tell you I won’t go away today  
Will you think that you’re all alone  
When there’s no one there to hold your hand?  
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head  
I’m permanent 

_I know he’s living in hell every single day_  
And so I ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place?  
And when they say it’s all touch and go I wish I could make it go away  
But still you say  
Will you think that you’re all alone   
when no one’s there to hold your hand?  
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head  
I’m permanent  
I’m permanent 

_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry_

 

_**Author’s note: So, I hope that ya’ll like! I promise, it’s gonna be less angsty now that Dean has his new heart. I really hope ya’ll are hanging in. I can’t wait for ya’ll to find out how Claire is Cas’ daughter. I may not have anything else planned out, but I have that planned out. XD. Review if you like!** _


	13. We'll Do It All

Chapter Thirteen: We’ll Do It All

We’ll do it all  
Everything  
On our own

We don’t need  
Anything   
Or anyone 

If I lay here, if I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don’t quite know   
How to say   
How I feel

Those three words  
I said too much  
They’re not enough

Forget what we’re told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I don’t know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never  
Change for us at all

It was three weeks later, and Dean was doing amazingly well. They were finally going to sleep upstairs in the master bedroom that night. Dean was so glad that he was finally back to normal. Then the smile fell off his face when he thought again that Claire had told them that she was Cas’ daughter, and it hadn’t been too good since then. There’d been a big dustup with Gabriel, who had been incredibly upset that Claire was telling Cas and Dean that Cas was her father. They’d had a DNA test done, and Claire was in deed Cas’ daughter. Dean had been blown away, but he knew that he couldn’t get upset, Cas had accepted Frankie like she was his own. Dean had offered to adopt Claire too, but not much more had been said about that after the first offer. Dean knew that Cas was trying to let Claire choose, and Dean knew that she did have a lot on her plate and she most likely wouldn’t want to do that.

At the moment, Dean was working on dinner, Cas was out with Frankie, having daddy daughter day. Dean had needed a day to relax, the day before had been a nightmare. Lucy had finally gotten them back in court, and they were starting to investigate Dean and Cas with Frankie. Lucy was of course trying to say that they were bad fathers. So the day before, they’d been with an investigator that the courts had sent over. Dean had been thoroughly stressed by the time the day was over, the woman had gotten nothing to support Lucy’s claims, but it had still been incredibly taxing. Dean was glad that Cas had given him a day to relax to himself. He was making burgers, and fries. His family would be home soon to eat with him.

Speak of the devil, there was the sound of the key in the door and Cas calling out to him. “Kitchen, baby!” Dean called out, his heart beating faster when he knew he was going to see Cas. Dean heard Frankie chattering on about what they’d seen in the mall as they both came in. Dean reached down to kiss her. “How’s Daddy’s girl?” He asked, he had missed her so much that day. 

Cas watched as Frankie told Dean about their day, and while Frankie was telling him, Cas leaned out and kissed him, just a soft kiss, a hello kiss. But Cas felt the love for Dean that he felt just filling his very soul as they kissed. Dean’s kisses told him how much that Dean loved him. Cas always felt it. He pulled back, his eyes watching Dean’s as he spoke to their daughter. Claire was out with some friends, but she was supposed to come home for dinner. Cas wasn’t sure what had been the bigger surprise, that Claire was his daughter or that she was a lesbian. Cas knew that Gabriel was upset that he couldn’t keep Claire from leaving and living with Cas and Dean. 

That was the part that hurt the most. That Gabriel was angry that Claire was having what she wanted out of life. She was getting to know her father, the one that had been kept in the dark her entire life, and that she was finally in a place where she could be herself. Cas knew that Gabriel really didn’t love her then, and it hurt him that Gen hadn’t told him that she’d used one of Cas’ sperm that he’d donated in college to have Claire. Cas wished that he could ask her why she’d done that. Their other two children were Gabe’s. Cas didn’t know that he didn’t like the reason why she’d done that. He hadn’t been surprised that Genevive hadn’t told them that she’d done that. Apparently she’d told Claire that Cas was her real father, since she’d known she was going to die, she’d wanted her conscience clear. 

Only problem was, she hadn’t told them why. Cas was really curious. He wanted to know what had possessed her to do that. Cas leaned to kiss Dean again. “I’m going to go and get her washed up while you’re cooking.” Cas said. Dean gave him a sly smile. Cas said, “I told Claire to be home for dinner, so make sure that she is, if I don’t get a chance to.”

Dean nodded, and kissed Cas again. “I promise, I’ll make sure.” Dean was glad that Cas gave him the same kind of freedom raising Claire that Dean did with Frankie. Dean knew that Claire may not appreciate it, but Dean did. He watched as Cas scooped up Frankie and took her upstairs. As they went, the front door opened and Dean heard Claire’s voice calling out to her new school friends. Then she came into the kitchen. “Hey, honey.” Dean said, so far they hadn’t had an issue where she’d tried to tell him he wasn’t her real father or anything like that. Dean was glad about that. He knew it could be hard to get a new parent that was a step parent, especially when you were a teenager. 

Watching her, Dean wondered what she was thinking. She was a quiet kid, really, and Dean wondered if that was because they were trying to get to know each other, or she was really like that all the time. Dean wasn’t sure what he wanted to be true. Dean watched her, she was moving to get a juice out of the fridge. “I appreciate you coming home for dinner, it was really important to your dad.” Dean just hoped that Claire would accept that and not call him a nerd or something for bringing it up. Dean really was grateful that she’d come home as Cas had asked her to do. 

Claire glanced at her stepfather. Claire wasn’t sure what to think of Dean. She knew he’d been through a lot, but she wasn’t sure what to think of him otherwise. Claire knew that he loved Cas though. That was obvious in the way that they were with each other. The social worker who’d come the day before had been incredibly homophobic, and Claire had hated her on sight. She’d been determined to find something to have Frankie taken away, but she’d not been able to get anything. Claire knew how stressful that had been on her dads, and she also knew that the woman had made a mental note of Claire being gay in the file too, although since Lucy wasn’t going after them for being gay she didn’t see how that was relevant.

“I didn’t want to let Dad down.” She called Dean by his name, and she knew that Dean was a little hurt by that. Claire was honestly trying to get to know him. He was someone who made Cas happy, and she knew that she didn’t want to make Cas upset because she was being disrespectful to Dean. Whom Claire knew that Cas loved more than life itself. She was trying to do the best job she could to make things easier on them. Claire looked at Dean. “I am really grateful for both of you, you’re both letting me stay here when I had nowhere to go. I know that Cas is legally obligated, but he was going to before he found out he was my dad.”

Dean put the burgers in the oven, and then looked at Claire. His green eyes were wide and he was sure as truthful as he could make them. “I promise, you will never have to know what it’s like to be without us. We’re always going to be here, I promise you.” Dean knew that Gabriel was most likely not wanting Claire back, but Dean knew that he had to take away the option by adopting Claire. Dean watched her face, she seemed to be actually listening and not just humoring him for Cas’ sake. Dean looked at Claire. “You want to talk about what the social worker did yesterday?”

He had seen the note the woman had made in the file. Dean had to admit, it had taken all of his strength not to hit the woman for judging Claire like that. Judging all of them like that. Dean didn’t want to see them using what they were against them. Dean brushed his hand through his hair as he looked at her. “I know that it bothered you. It bothered me too, I was using all of my strength to not punch her in the face. It’s not fair what Lucy is doing, but it’s really not fair to you, kiddo. You don’t deserve to have someone poking and prodding and trying to judge you for who you want to love. It’s really awful.” Dean knew that he wasn’t going to get her to talk about it from the look on her face. But it didn’t look like it was because she was being a typical teenager.

Claire mused over what he said as she opened her juice. She moved to put the fries in the deep fryer. Dean had been insistent on getting one after he was given a clear bill of health. Claire turned to face him. “I know, Dean. I don’t… I can’t talk about it, it really was upsetting.” Claire didn’t know what she was going to say if he pressed her. But she was sure that he wouldn’t. Claire could tell that Dean wasn’t a man that was going to press you about things. Claire really hoped that he would drop it. Claire watched as he moved to get out some paper plates. Dean was one of the he didn’t want to wash dishes school of thought. Claire had to admit, that was pretty awesome of him. Even if it was an impressive use of paper and styrofoam plates. 

She sat at the kitchen table, watching her step father get out a beer. Claire had to admit, she had seen him do a lot of things that people who had almost died were wont to do. Live a bit more freely. Claire also knew that it had been a lot more serious than almost dying, she’d heard Cas talking about it to John. Claire really liked him, he was a good man. She watched as the home phone rang, and Dean moved to answer it. Claire froze when he said, “Yes, this is Dean Winchester. And I’m Bobby Singer’s emergency contact.” Claire knew that something had happened to Uncle Bobby. She had taken to him immediately, and Bobby had taken to her as well. She thought Bobby was one of the best men she’d ever met. 

When Dean heard the nurse telling him that Bobby was in the hospital, he had to admit, his new heart started pounding out of his chest. Dean listened as they told him that Bobby had been standing outside of the bank he used in downtown Dallas and then someone had driven by and shot him. Dean had to admit, he didn’t know that Bobby had any enemies out there, he was a mechanic. It’s not like he was going around pissing people off on a daily basis. If anyone in Dean’s family would have ended up shot, it was John. Dean answered some questions, they were telling him Bobby had been rushed to surgery but it wasn’t looking good. Dean brushed his hand through his hair, and they told him that he was going to want to come down as soon as possible, if he wanted the chance to see him. They weren’t anticipating him waking up from the surgery, he’d been hit a few times, once in the back, once in the leg, and in the chest, very close to his heart. 

It was miraculous that Bobby was even alive after being shot so many times, especially when he’d been shot so close to the heart. Dean told them they had his permission to do what they needed to save Bobby’s life, and then hung up. Dean stared at the phone, and as he turned to Claire, he knew that she knew something was going on. Dean looked at her, and he said, “Uncle Bobby was shot.” He wondered if it was still someone who was trying to get to John. It was a known fact that Bobby and John had been friends for years. Dean watched her face crumple. “I’m going to grab your dad, and then you can stay here with your sister and eat dinner.” Dean knew they were going to have a long night. She nodded, and he headed up the stairs to get Cas. 

His husband was just exiting Frankie’s room with her, the little girl was already in her Sofia the First pjs and her hair was wet from the shower. Dean met Cas’ eye, and he could tell that Cas knew that he was about to tell him something awful. Dean leaned down to Frankie and said, “Claire’s gonna help you get dinner in a bit, baby girl, your dad and I have to go and see Uncle Bobby.” He didn’t want to tell her how bad it was. Dean had always looked at Bobby as an uncle, and it was nice that his kids thought the same way. When Frankie had headed downstairs, calling out to Claire, Dean turned to Cas. “Cas, Bobby had left his bank, and he was shot.” 

When Cas heard those words, his heart sank to his feet. Cas watched Dean’s face, he seemed like he was in shock. “So we’ve got to go to the hospital?” Cas asked, his voice quiet. He didn’t know what was going to happen but he knew that there wasn’t much of a chance Bobby was going to survive from three gunshot wounds. He listened as Dean told him what the hospital had said, and Cas knew that they were going to have to go. Cas reached for his husband’s hand. “Bobby’s a fighter, I know he can make it through this.” He wondered if it had been a random shooting, like from a gang member, or if it was someone that Bobby had known. Cas knew they might not ever find out. He and Dean headed down the stairs, grabbing jackets and Cas grabbed his keys. He knew that Dean shouldn’t drive. He gave Dean the keys to go out to the car and went to talk to Claire in the kitchen. 

He looked at Claire, who was putting together a burger for Frankie. The fries were on a huge plate and it was already in the middle of the table. Cas walked up to her. Her eyes were red rimmed, and he knew she was trying not to cry and be upset in front of Frankie. Cas was glad that she was trying but he knew that it was going to be so hard on her. Cas brushed some of her blonde hair out of her eyes. “Your dad and I are going to the hospital. We’re going to be there for however long this takes, at least, tonight.” Cas didn’t think this was going to last past the night, honestly, and he knew that Claire knew that too. “We both have our phones, and I’m grabbing chargers on the way out.” He didn’t know what they were going to do if they lost Bobby. Hadn’t this family been through enough strife? Cas met her blue eyes, which were so like his, and she nodded. Cas kissed her cheek and then headed back out to the living room, grabbing his and Dean’s phone chargers. 

Heading out to the car, he could see Dean in the front seat, and he was on the phone. Cas assumed he had called John or Sam to let them in on what was going on. Cas knew that this was going to be a huge issue. Especially for John. Cas knew how close Bobby and John had been growing up together. Bobby was a little older, but they had gotten really close when John’s father Henry had passed away. Cas moved to get in the car and start it up, as Dean concluded his phone call. Cas looked at his husband. “You didn’t have to hang up for me.” He said, as he backed the car out of the driveway. Cas had no idea what to expect from Dean, and he knew that he was going to have to be on the lookout for what might happen with his emotions. 

Dean sniffled and reached for the tissues Cas kept in the glove compartment. “I called Dad, he knew though because when Bobby was identified they made sure John knew. It’s not in his department, it ended up at another precinct, but he knows. He’s going to meet us at the hospital with Sam and Ellen. Jo’s on bed rest for a few days, so she has to stay home. I know it’s killing her.” Dean didn’t even know why she had to be on bed rest, she wasn’t even showing yet. She was still in the early stages. Dean hadn’t pressed though in case it had something to do with her pregnancy in high school. He knew that she’d gone through so much and he didn’t want to make things worse for her. Especially right now when it was already about to explode. This was so much. They were all back on their feet after Dean’s life nearly ended. Not Bobby too.

He watched the scenery go by, wondering what they were going to find when they got to the hospital. Dean knew that he was going to expect the worst. The nurse who had spoken to him had made sure to tell her that it was most likely not going to happen that he was going to survive. Dean watched as they pulled up into the hospital, and Dean knew that he was even more worried, this wasn’t the one he’d been taken to, this was one of the HMOs. Those were never as good as actual hospitals. Dean knew that he was going to do what he could if they didn’t treat Bobby right. One of his friends, Chuck Shurley, was a lawyer. 

They headed inside, and Cas holding Dean’s hand tightly, his husband’s face was expressionless, and Cas knew that it was because he was trying to screw up the courage to be here. Cas wasn’t going to make him be ready for anything he wasn’t ready for. They reached the nurse’s counter, and found out where Bobby was being worked on. It was close, so they headed into the waiting room. Cas settled into a seat next to Dean, and reached out, taking Dean’s hand. He stroked the back of Dean’s hand as he held it. Cas brushed his free hand through Dean’s hair, he knew that Dean liked that, especially when he was upset. Cas didn’t know what to say, he knew that he couldn’t say that Bobby was going to make it, because they both knew that he wasn’t going to. 

It was so strange that the last time Cas had seen Bobby it was going to be the last. They’d been hanging out one afternoon so Dean could have some alone time. Frankie had been with Sam and Jo, spending the night. Cas and Bobby had had a few beers, shared some pizza, and had watched some old movies on Netflix. Cas had really enjoyed himself. Bobby was a great guy, one of the greatest guys that Cas had ever known. Cas watched as Dean’s eyes began to fill with tears. “Bobby knew that you loved him, Dean.” Cas knew that Dean had to be really worried if he was crying in public. Dean wasn’t one of those guys. Cas reached and brushed some tears of Dean’s cheeks with his thumb.

Dean’s fingers tightened in Cas’, and he looked down at his ring. Dean didn’t know what to say. He knew that they were losing Bobby. Dean hadn’t really been prepared for this. Bobby had always been larger than life to him. Dean remembered the first night they’d stayed at Bobby’s after Mary had died. Sam was so young, just six months old, and Dean had been four. Bobby had a room set aside at his place for Dean and Sam. His wife had been so glad to have them there. Her name had been Ella. Dean had been crushed when Ella had died. She’d been sick. She had been like a mother to Dean, she’d been there for him so many times when he was growing up. But the first night they’d been there, Bobby had set them up with some pizza, some formula for Sam, of course, and they’d sat and played with Dean’s toy cars for hours. Dean had been glad that Bobby had just done his best to treat Dean like normal. 

Dean didn’t know if he’d been able to make it through losing Mary if it hadn’t been because of Bobby and Ella. And now Dean was losing Bobby. Dean had never thought that would happen, Bobby was immortal. He’d just always been there for Dean, his whole life. Dean didn’t know what he would do without Bobby. And he knew he was going to have to find out. Before Dean could acknowledge that Cas had spoken, a doctor headed up to them, and asked if they were with Robert Singer. Dean was quiet for a moment before he nodded. Dean knew that it was going to be bad news. Bobby had been shot three times, there was no way he survived. Dean listened as the doctor told him that they’d done all they could, but they hadn’t been able to save him. 

That was exactly what he’d thought, and he nodded when the doctor told him he’d have to start making arrangements and then told them how sorry he was and walked off. Dean felt like he’d just been dumped into ice water. Dean looked up, his eyes were watering. Sam, Ellen, and John had walked up. Dean, letting go of Cas’ hand, stood, and he and John looked at each other, and then he rushed into his father’s arms. He cried, only John was going to understand how much it hurt to lose Bobby. Dean knew that everyone else was going to feel upset, yeah, and they’d even be hurt enough to cry. But no one was going to get Dean’s grief at losing him other than John. 

John was taking this just as hard as Dean was. He held Dean as he cried, and John knew that this was going to damn near break them. John knew he couldn’t tell Dean that it was going to be okay, because he honestly didn’t know if it was going to be okay. John didn’t know what he was going to do without Bobby. John loved Bobby like a brother, and he knew that he’d never have been able to get through Mary’s death without him. John sure as shit knew that he wouldn’t have been able to raise the boys without him. John had never even remotely felt jealous that Dean loved Bobby and talked to him about things. Because John knew that Dean would always love him and need him in his life. 

“You know how much Bobby loved you, kiddo.” John said, his voice broken as he spoke. Cas, Sam, and Ellen had stepped back so they could have a moment alone. John hated that Dean was crying these huge sobs that he couldn’t stop. John let him cry, he just didn’t know what else to do. Nothing could make this better. Bobby was gone. There was no bringing him back. John knew exactly how Dean felt because he was feeling the same way. John stroked Dean’s back, there wasn’t any way those tears were stopping any time soon. John held Dean tighter as Dean’s sobs continued. “I know that I can’t tell you that it’s going to get better. Because we both know it’s not. I’m not going to try to tell you that. But it’s going to come to a time where it might not hurt as much. You know that that’s going to happen, it just might be a long way off for both of us.” John’s voice was still sounding broken, but he wasn’t crying yet. John was mostly still in shock.

That was true. Dean did know how much Bobby had loved him. It had been proven even more to him when Bobby didn’t even bat an eye when Dean had told him he was marrying a man. Especially when it had been a long time since they’d spoken. Dean couldn’t imagine what he would have done if Bobby had been against that. But Bobby hadn’t even once made Dean feel like he didn’t love him or judged him for being with a man. Dean wished that there was an end to the tears in sight, because he was in public. That usually wasn’t something he did. Dean knew he had to say something in return to what John had said. Dean’s voice was shaking as he barely managed to speak through his sobs. 

“I was so… Bobby accepted me marrying Cas instantly. I was so scared that I was going to lose him.” Dean knew that John might wince a bit at that, given how he’d reacted at first. Dean honestly wasn’t trying to make John feel guilty though. “Dad, Bobby’s been there my whole entire life. He was there for me whenever I needed him. Sometimes before I even asked. He was…. He was family.” Dean’s voice was punctuated by sobs, and Dean knew there wasn’t going to be an end to them just yet. Dean knew that he couldn’t change this and that was what was really hurting. Dean would have done anything to save Bobby’s life. There was no pain that Dean had suffered in his life that equaled this one except when Mary had died. This was unbelievable. Besides John and Sam, Bobby had been the one constant in Dean’s life. Now he was gone. 

It took about twenty minutes for Dean to calm down, and then John left Dean with Cas to go and make some funeral arrangements. There was no one else to do it. Cas sat with Dean in the waiting room, Dean was on his lap, his head in Cas’ neck. He knew how upset Dean had to be in order for them to be sitting like this in public. Cas didn’t mind though, he knew how badly Dean needed this. Cas stroked Dean’s side. John had promised to call Claire, too, to let her know what was going on. Cas knew this was going to hit Frankie hard, and he was feeling so awful that they had to be the ones to tell her. Cas didn’t want to see her face when she found out they’d lost Bobby. 

“Dean, talk to me, baby. How are you feeling?” Cas asked, he didn’t want to force Dean, but he’d been so quiet and Cas wanted to give him the chance to talk if he wanted. They were waiting for Ellen and Sam to get back from grabbing food, now that they knew what happened with Bobby they had decided they needed to eat. Cas continued to stroke Dean’s side, softly. His hand had slipped underneath Dean’s tee shirt and was stroking his bare skin. Because he knew that Dean loved that. Cas did too, honestly, it was nice being able to touch his skin. It reminded him that Dean existed, that he was real. Cas definitely thought Dean was too good to be true. Cas couldn’t believe that Dean was his most of the time. 

Those were the words that Dean hadn’t wanted to hear. He would have to talk about Bobby and he had just stopped crying. Dean couldn’t handle that again so soon. Dean nuzzled his head deeper in Cas’ neck, not caring at all that people could see them. It was late though and there weren’t a lot of people here. Dean was quiet for a moment as he tried to formulate an answer to that question. Dean couldn’t even explain how the pain felt. It was unimaginable pain. Dean’s lips pressed softly to Cas’ neck before he spoke. “I can’t even tell you the pain. I can’t… it’s indescribable because that’s how badly it hurts.” Dean’s voice was quiet, and his hand was stroking circles on Cas’ stomach though his tee shirt. It was calming him. 

“It’s just, Bobby was in my life for my entire life. I don’t know what to do now that he’s gone. I never would have made it through any of the things I’ve been through without Bobby. He’s family, and he’s gone. I didn’t get to say that I loved him one last time. Someone came and took him out of my life and we may never know why.” That was killing Dean, that that might be true. They couldn’t have too high of hopes that the murder would be solved. There were so many unsolved murders in Dallas. Dean brushed his hand through his hair. His other arm was around Cas’ neck. The fingers on that hand were stroking Cas’ arm. 

Cas knew that those were just the scratch the surface feelings too. Cas kept up the stroking of Dean’s back. “I know that it hurts. It’s going to always hurt. But eventually a time will come when it won’t hurt as much.” Cas knew how Dean felt. That was how he’d felt when he’d lost his parents. Cas had never known love like that from anyone else but Dean. That unconditional always going to be there love. Cas had taken it just as hard as Dean was when his parents died. Cas reached up and brushed some tears off Dean’s face. He knew that there were no words that was going to help this pain. Because it wasn’t going to be alright for awhile. It was pointless to say that it was. 

“Dean, you can tell me anything, you know that. But I’m also not going to sit and give you a meaningless tautology just to make you feel better. Because I know that it won’t. It’s not going to just magically feel better.” Cas knew that nothing had made him feel better about his parents being gone but time. “Any way that you feel is normal. You don’t ever have to talk about it if you don’t want to. At least, not with me. I will never pressure you. You have to handle these things the way you know works for you.” Cas knew how hollow that was all going to sound to Dean. When people had said them to him when he’d been going through his grief, that was how it had felt to him.

It was something that Dean didn’t need to hear out loud, because he knew that all of that was true already. Dean sighed a watery sigh. “We should go home to the kids. There’s nothing more we can do here tonight and I really want to get home and take one of my tranquilizers and go to sleep.” They’d given them to Dean for any anxiety he might have from the after effects of what he’d gone through. Dean hadn’t ever been one to do that but it sounded like it might help him sleep and he really needed that. He wanted to see if sleeping through some of the pain would be helpful. Dean didn’t think it would but he was willing to try anything at this point. 

Cas agreed about them going home, and they thankfully ran into Ellen and Sam on the way to telling John they were leaving. Dean knew they should still eat something, even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud. Dean was quiet on the way home, and continued to be as they got inside. Claire was up in the living room, even though the next day was a school day. Dean knew she was wanting to know what happened to Bobby. They headed for the living room, they could eat in there. Dean set his bag on the table to take off his coat, and before he could, Claire ran at him to hug him tight, calling him ‘Dad’. It touched Dean to his very soul to hear that. Dean hugged her, glad that she was leaning on him to get through this.

Heading for the kitchen for some napkins, Cas knew that he was going to have a hard time keeping his emotions in check around Claire. He was so upset that she was losing a man like Bobby from her life. Cas grabbed some paper towels and headed back in, Dean was now digging into his Chinese and Claire had left the room. Cas moved to sit with him, Dean opening his sweet tea to take a sip. Cas had gotten lemonade, he didn’t like the sweet tea like he did from back home in England. Cas opened his container of kung pao chicken. He loved it. He dug in with his fork, taking a big bite before he spoke. 

“What did Claire say?” He asked curiously, wondering what she’d said when Cas had left the room. 

Dean’s voice was strangled when he spoke. “She told me she’s sorry that I lost Bobby, and that she was going to call me Dad from now on. Said that she wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings before, but she didn’t want to say it until she felt it.” Dean’s heart had been touched immediately as soon as she’d started talking. Dean was so glad that Claire finally felt it. He took a bite of his mu shu pork and chewed thoughtfully looked at Cas. Dean didn’t know what he was going to say if pressed about how he felt about that. Dean knew that he needed to talk about it, but he also knew that he would break down again if he had to. 

He chewed in silence for awhile, and Cas leaned out and kissed him. Soft and tenderly, and Dean felt it all the way to his toes. Dean looked into Cas’ eyes. He leaned out and pushed Cas against the couch, kissing him deeply. Dean was so glad to be here with him, doing this. Dean sucked on Cas’ bottom lip, and reached between them to unbutton Cas’ jeans. His hand slipped into Cas’ underwear, which was silky boxer briefs that Dean loved. His hand moved over Cas’ length, and they both groaned against the other’s lips. They moved faster then, getting clothes off, their naked bodies molding together. 

Dean reached for some lube, spreading it over his fingers, teasing a couple at Cas’ entrance before he slid inside. He tucked them inside Cas, and his husband arched against him. Dean continued to play inside Cas, his fingers brushing against Cas’ prostate. They both groaned. Cas grabbed onto Dean’s shoulders, letting Dean know that he was ready for Dean to be inside him. Dean grinned and reached for some lube, spreading it on his long, hard cock, which was rock hard with Cas in his arms. This was finally happening. It had been months and they were finally making love. Dean couldn’t stop now. He slid himself inside Cas slowly, and then let his hips set off at a fast pace. Cas gasped as Dean’s huge length slid home. He gripped Dean’s shoulders, as they kissed deeply as Dean started to move. They both panted with desire as Dean’s hips moved. Cas’ hand was moving up and down his length, trying to match Dean’s hip thrusts. It wasn’t long and they were both coming, it had been a long time and they’d been wanting it so much. Cas let out a moan and murmured Dean’s name, his fingers curling in the hair at the nape of Dean’s neck. 

When they broke apart, they both at least reached for underwear, in case Claire happened to come back down. Dean reached out and took Cas’ hand, lacing his fingers tightly in his husband’s. Dean stroked the back of Cas’ hand, and looked into Cas’ blue eyes. “I love you.” Dean said, his tone soft and quiet. “That was just as amazing as I thought it would be.” Dean told him, licking his lips. Neither of them moved to start eating again. Dean had never had more amazing sex in his life. And he knew that Bobby would have been proud of him. He let a small smile play on his lips at the thought. 

Cas nodded, and kissed him softly, long and slow. When the kiss broke, he stroked Dean’s cheek with his free hand. “I can’t imagine how I was living without that kind of sex.” Cas told him, and wiped some tears off Dean’s face. It was going to be a long time before things were okay, but Cas thought as long as they kept having sex like that, it might be bearable.

 

_**Author’s note: I apologize for losing Bobby. That wasn’t my fault, the muse chose that for me. You can thank Destiel fanvids for this update, I had so many feels that had to go somewhere. Plus it’s been two months since this fic was updated. I thought it was time. XD. I hope you’re hanging in there!** _


	14. I Gonna Miss You My Friend

Chapter Fourteen: I’m Gonna Miss You My Friend

_Funeral day_

Dean woke up to a very sunny morning. It was a few days later, and it was time for the funeral. Dean woke up, brushing his hand through his hair. They were sleeping like rocks though since they’d moved up to the bedroom. It was about ten in the morning, and the funeral was going to be at one. Dean swung his legs around to get out of bed, and he wondered if he was going to be able to make it through this day. It was going to be the last time he ever saw Bobby. Dean sniffled, already starting to get upset. Dean glanced down at the empty side of the bed, unless Cas had been up late the night before writing he usually was up at about nine in the morning. Dean would have to go back to work soon himself, so the going to bed early thing was just how it worked. 

When he got downstairs, a robe pulled on over Cas’ boxer briefs, which Cas had actually begged him to wear. Dean wasn’t sure why he’d insisted, but he hadn’t minded wearing them if that’s what Cas wanted. They’d had sex every day since the first time, and Dean knew that that wasn’t going to last forever, so he was going with it while he could. Dean arrived in the kitchen, and was a bit surprised that Claire was also up, he knew she’d been up late the night before because she couldn’t sleep. Dean knew why that was, she’d been too overcome with grief. She’s actually spent some time in her fathers’ room, sleeping in between them in the bed. This was after what Cas called “amorous activities”, which Dean didn’t have to be a genius to figure out meant having sex.

Cas was cooking breakfast, and Dean moved to the coffee maker, getting out a mug. He could finally have caffeine again. Dean moved silently to Cas and kissed him, morning breath be damned. When he’d pulled back, the phone rang. Curiously, Dean reached for it. “Winchester residence.” Since Cas had taken Dean’s name, they didn’t use ‘Novak’ when answering the phone anymore. Not that Cas minded, Dean knew that he didn’t. He even used it for his professional writing name.

Watching Dean answer the phone, Cas really hoped that it wasn’t someone calling to say how horrible it was that they lost Bobby. Dean couldn’t handle that before coffee. Cas put some eggs on the table, Frankie had already been picked up by John, he’d insisted on talking to her before the funeral, and no one had had the heart to tell him it could wait till the day was done. Cas watched Dean’s face as he turned back to grab the bacon. His husband seemed in shock, and then he was saying goodbye to the caller. Cas met Dean’s eyes, as he put the phone back in the base unit. 

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Cas asked, praying to a God he hadn’t prayed to in a really long time that no one else was injured or dead. When Dean told him that Bobby had left him his mechanic shop, Cas’ mouth dropped open. They had never thought that might happen. Cas reached out and took one of Dean’s hands, holding it tightly. “What…. What do you want to do with it?” Cas asked, he knew that Dean wasn’t a certified mechanic, but that would be no problem, he was good with cars. He’d worked on them his whole life, and he’d also had to put his own Impala back together a time or two. 

“I don’t know.” Dean said, his tone full of shock. Dean knew that he’d been the closest thing that Bobby had had for a son, with the exception of Sam, but he had still never thought that this would happen. And Bobby’s shop was actually really successful. Bobby had done alright for himself. “And… the money…. All of Bobby’s money, he left it to Claire, Frankie, and unknown Winchester baby to be.. To use for college or whatever else they want.” When Cas’ eyes widened, Dean knew how much that shocked Cas. He knew that Bobby had just been trying to do right by the kids he considered his great nieces and niece or nephew to be. Dean didn’t know what to say. 

His mouth worked with no sound, and then he finally got out, “Cas, that’s 3.2 billion dollars.” Bobby had done very well for himself, and he had invested his family money well back in the day. It was amazing that he’d been so simple and laidback for someone who’d been raised in the Texas oil industry. Bobby Singer had been a real life Ewing. Dean had always liked that, and Bobby could in some ways remind him of JR. Only some ways though. Dean had of course grown up in Dallas, so that show had been a staple when he was a kid. He’d been born after it started but it hadn’t stopped him when he’d gotten to his teens. “He had a trust that already had millions of dollars in it, and when he got access to it he invested it well.” 

This was insane. Bobby had left 3.2 billion dollars to their two daughters and the one Jo was carrying? Before Cas could say a word, Claire spoke up. “Dad, I want you to have my share.” She said, and both Cas and Dean looked at her in shock. Claire stood, moving over to Dean. “Dad, Bobby was like a uncle to you. You went your whole life till the last few days with him in it. You deserve this, way more than I do. I have my own money for college, as much as Gabriel might want to take it from me, he can’t. It comes to me when I turn 18.” Claire said. She kept her blue eyes on Dean’s green ones, and Cas knew that this was possibly the most unselfish thing he’d ever heard of in his life. But Claire wasn’t done. She said, “Dad, I want you to pay for your medical bills with it.”

That stopped her parents cold in their tracks. Cas looked at her, his blue eyes widening. “Claire?” Cas asked, his heart in shock. He knew that Claire had suddenly just taken to Dean, but this was beyond what Cas would have thought she would do. She nodded. Cas wrapped his hand across his chin, trying to deal with all of the feelings he was suddenly having as a result of this. Cas’ eyes brushed with tears. Cas looked her in those blue eyes that were so much like his. Cas finally found his voice. “Claire Novak, I don’t even know the right words to say. But I appreciate it so much that you’re doing that for Dean.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to do to make this up to her. Dean would be out of debt. All of those years of medical bills would be gone. Cas couldn’t believe that she’d decided to do this. 

Claire reached out and brushed some tears off Cas’ face. “I want to do this, Daddy. Dad… he took me in and loves me and calls me his daughter and expects me to call him my dad. I want to do something for him. And this is never going to make up to me what he’s done.” Claire really didn’t want to go to college, and although she’d rather have Bobby’s money than Gabriel’s, it didn’t matter. She knew how worried her parents were about Dean’s medical bills. She wanted to take that worry away. It was the right thing to do. She turned back to Dean. “Dad, I don’t want to argue about this. I know you don’t want to take charity, but it’s not. It’s me doing something to make up for what you did.” 

Voice quiet and shaking, she said, as Dean reached out and took her hand, “I don’t know if you know this, but most people in the world wouldn’t have done that. Taken in a child with no questions asked, especially a child that was planned but kept secret from her father. Had to be raised all her life by a homophobic family and not even knowing who her father was until she was 16. Dad, you’re….. You didn’t even hesitate. You accepted me even when you guys thought I was Daddy’s niece.” Claire’s voice was barely above a whisper. It was all things she’d been thinking about in the past few days anyway, she’d been planning on using her own money to help, but in a way this was better. It was like Bobby taking care of Dean one last time. At that thought, her eyes brimmed with tears, and she could only look back at them with sadness and tears falling off her cheek. 

“It’ll be Uncle Bobby taking care of you one last time.” 

When Claire said those words, Dean’s tears spilled over, and before he knew it, he was hugging Claire tightly against him. He couldn’t believe that Claire was doing this. Dean knew that he had to take it, whether he wanted to or not, once she said that. Dean knew that that was exactly what it was, and he couldn’t keep the tears from falling continuously. “Claire Novak, I can’t even believe that you’re doing this.” Dean knew there was going to be taxes to pay but the amount would be enough to get him out of debt and he might not have to work for the rest of his life. Which honestly, Dean was going to miss, but at the same time, he’d love to be able to be around his family more. Especially now that they had Claire and Frankie. 

It was kind of insane, because Frankie had a trust from her mother, she was going to be set for life too. Dean honestly was against telling her anything else. “Claire, I want you to promise me something. You promise me that when I sell the mechanic shop, I’m going to get you a huge present, and you’re going to accept it without question or protest, you understand?” Dean asked, his tone gentle. This was one of the most incredible things he’d ever seen in his life. Dean reached out and hugged her, and she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him back. Dean honestly was speechless, and frankly, that was a new thing for him. Dean almost wished that Frankie was here so they could have the whole family in on the moment. 

The hug broke, and the three of them shared a heavy look before they went back to the silent task of eating breakfast. Cas sniffled, and had to step out of the room for a moment to deal with his feelings. Tears dripped off his nose and chin, and Cas wondered how Bobby could have been this generous. And Cas wasn’t at all upset that the kids got all that money, he had his own as it was, and he knew that the kids would love Bobby for doing that for them. Cas filled his own cup with coffee, watching Dean sit down to his plate of breakfast, and he saw the soft smile on his husband’s lips when he got the bacon in his mouth. Cas knew that he couldn’t go too hard on Dean for not eating healthy, he’d had to do it his whole life and now he could go a little crazy if he wanted to. It was the least Cas could do, especially right now. 

Lost in thought as he ate, Cas didn’t know what he was going to do with the burden of the medical bills off their plate. And now they had all this money, and Dean was going to sell the shop, which Cas knew would go for a hefty chunk of green. Cas didn’t know what he would do with not having to worry about money. Not that he ever had, but those bills had been daunting, since Dean was one to want to take care of his own things on occasion. Cas knew that Dean wouldn’t have let him pay for all of them, some of them possibly but not all of them. He was so lost in thought he missed it when Dean finished his breakfast and told Cas he was going to clean up so Cas could go and get ready for the funeral. They of course had to be there early as Bobby’s only family. Cas didn’t mind though, he knew that he wanted a chance alone with the casket, and them going early would help facilitate that goal. 

They still had an hour before the funeral by the time they got there. Dean walked in holding Cas’ hand, they had chosen a Catholic church, since when Bobby had been younger he’d been raised in a Catholic church. Cas had been raised Protestant, and Dean and Sam had been raised nothing. Dean was definitely sure that there was the possibility that God was real, even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud. Dean didn’t know what to say. It was just horrible that they were here. Dean accepted the kiss from Cas, who told him he was going to have a moment alone with the…. The casket. Dean couldn’t think of it as Bobby, he was gone and he was never coming back. 

That was when it hit him. What if this was Balthazar? What if he’d used Bobby to get back at Jo for turning him down. It was quite possible, everyone in Dallas knew the Winchesters, and they knew the Harvelles and the Singers as well, by association. Dean didn’t know if that was the case, but it made sense. He wondered if anyone on the police force was going to make that connection, but if they didn’t he knew he’d make sure that they would get it if they didn’t come to it on their own. Dean watched Cas go into the viewing room. The viewing had been the afternoon before, and honestly, it had turned into just the Harvelles and Winchesters in the end, drinking lots of Jack and Coke and toasting Bobby and telling stories about him. 

When Cas stepped into the viewing room, he went up to the casket, which was closed, partly due to the wounds he’d suffered and the other part was Bobby had asked for it. Cas stood by the casket, his fingers running along the mahogany. He really thought it was beautiful. “Hey, Bobby.” Cas started, his eyes starting to brim with tears. Cas didn’t know where to even start. There was so much he wanted to tell him. So much he wanted to say. He didn’t know if he could get it all out. But Cas wanted to try his best. “Bobby, I don’t know why this happened to you. But we all miss you so much. Especially Dean and John, but they knew you the longest.” Cas had to pause for breath then, trying to get the words out. He didn’t know how to say what he needed to say. 

“Bobby, without you, Dean wouldn’t be who he is now. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that I wouldn’t be the same person without him. We have found forever. We really are going to live forever together. I can’t… I can’t believe that it’s not going to be with you there too.” Cas sniffled, he wasn’t sure what else he was going to say, he couldn’t put his thoughts together. He wished that he could. There was so much more that he wanted to say. “And I can’t believe that you made sure Frankie, Claire, and not yet born baby Winchester are set up for life. And Claire, she’s my daughter. Yes, she’s Dean’s too, but you haven’t even known her a month and a half. You included her in your family no questions asked. There is nothing that I could ever have done to make that up to you. To pay you back for just accepting us, her, like that. You will always be known as my Uncle Bobby, I swear to it.” 

Clearing his throat, John stepped into the room. He’d heard the tail end of it. “Cas? They need us to get in the receiving line, people are starting to arrive.” He was loathe to interrupt him, but they really did need to be in the receiving line. John knew how hard this was. John watched as Cas walked towards him, and he saw the tears dripping off Cas’ chin. John reached out and clapped his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “I’m sorry to interrupt you.” John said, and he knew that Cas was trying to be strong for him. “Cas, you don’t have to hold your tears back for me. I don’t have the monopoly on pain, you guys are allowed to feel pain too. You guys lost Bobby, same as I did.”

It was honestly hardest on John watching the kids deal with this.John knew how hard they were taking it, and he wished that he could take it away for them. John had been thinking about who had done this, and he was starting to think like Dean was. That this was all to do with Balthazar. He was upset that Sam wasn’t going to be serving jail time for what he had done and this was how he was going about it. He knew how much them losing Bobby would hurt. John hadn’t spoken to anyone about this yet, he didn’t want it to get back to Balthazar that he might be suspected. John wanted to take him down silently and swiftly if that was the case. John watched as some tears started to fall from Cas’ blue eyes. “It’s going to be okay Cas, it just might not be for awhile.” It was all he could say, and they shared a look. 

The funeral took a couple of hours, what with the words being said and then the putting him in the ground. Dean was quiet the whole time, sometimes crying, but mostly stoic. Cas stood with him now, they were all at John’s for the wake. Bobby’s place was up for sale. They didn’t want to have to go through and clean up or anything like that. Cas watched Dean’s face, wondering what Dean was thinking. Cas didn’t want to upset him. They were standing in the kitchen, they were supposed to be getting some paper plates for pizza. The wake was low key, most of the people who had gone to the funeral hadn’t come to the wake. Cas brushed his hand through Dean’s hair, it was soft and silky like always. When his fingers moved through Dean’s hair, Dean’s eyes turned to Cas’. Cas leaned out and kissed him softly. 

“It’s going to eventually be okay. And in the meantime, you don’t have to do this stoic thing. You can let yourself feel it. No one is going to think less of you if you do.” Cas told him. Cas knew that Dean was trying to be what he thought he should be and not what he actually was. Cas kept his eyes on his husband's, who was starting to cry. Cas leaned and brushed some of the tears off Dean’s face. “It’s going to take time. In the meantime, you need to eat something.” Cas told him, gesturing towards the paper plates, which thankfully Dean picked up and led them back into the living room. 

It was now just family, and a couple of Dean’s friends. Chuck Shurley, the lawyer, and Charlie Bradbury, who was a computer hacker. She was a lesbian, and one of Dean’s best friends, Dean had never told anyone how they met, and neither had Charlie. Dean went up to her, Cas was putting the plates on the coffee table and Ellen was opening up the boxes. Dean leaned into her for a hug without even asking. Charlie had met Bobby a few times. He and Charlie had been in their graduating class in high school together. When the hug broke, Dean looked into her green eyes. Charlie was brushing some tears off her cheek. Dean sniffled and said, “I am so glad that you came.” They hadn’t talked in the last few months because Charlie had had to go to Florida and help her mother, she’d been sick. Now her mother was better and Charlie was back. Dean brushed his hand across his stubbly chin. It had been a few days since he’d shaved. 

Dean didn’t really know what to say. Charlie had known Bobby for a long time, just like he had. Dean didn’t know what she was feeling, and that was new for her. She wasn’t exactly one to keep things inside. Dean had been Charlie’s beard before she’d come out, and that had meant spending a lot of time together. They’d gotten pretty close. Dean filled a plate with meat lovers’ pizza and she watched him with a curious eyebrow. Dean said, “I got a new heart, Charlie.” He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was most of the time. It was something that he’d never thought would happen for him. Charlie’s eyes lit up and she touched his shoulder, but she didn’t say anything. She just kept her gaze on his. Dean’s eyes misted a bit, and he took a bite of pizza, chewing as they looked at each other.

The fact that Dean had gotten a heart was a big shock to Charlie. She brushed some of her red hair out of her eyes. She glanced around the living room. Sam and Jo were sitting on the couch, eating and talking with Ellen. John was at the coffee table with Cas, getting some pizza. She and Dean were standing over by the entertainment center. Chuck was with Claire and Frankie in the corner, they were eating and watching a movie on Cas’ old laptop. Chuck had also been in their class, and he’d always been a bit off. A bit odd. He was very smart, but he was also more comfortable hanging with people who were younger than him. Not in a creepy way, just kind of mentally a little Chuck was stuck at an age younger than he was. He worked as a lawyer at his father’s firm, but he didn’t handle heavy cases usually. Charlie watched them a moment and then turned back to Dean. 

“So, a kid, Dean? Actually, you’ve got two kids.” She amended, looking back at the three again, studying Claire before she turned back to Dean, who was just nodding carefully at her. Charlie didn’t even know where to start. She remembered Charlotte, which she had to call her because she just couldn’t use her name for another girl. Especially one who had been so gorgeous. Charlie had definitely had a crush on her, and it had hurt when she’d chosen Dean. Charlie had known that Dean had never known that she’d had feelings for Charlotte, so she couldn’t even be mad at him. When Dean had told her the whole story the day before at the viewing, it had seemed insane to her. She couldn’t believe that the girl had had a baby and hidden its identity from Dean. That was not the Charlotte Charlie remembered. 

“How do you feel about that?” Charlie asked him, reaching for a red solo cup and moving to the drink table to get herself something alcoholic to drink. 

Dean wasn’t sure how to keep from talking about his kids without having a soft smile on his face. “They’re great. This wasn’t the life I planned, Charlie, but it’s the life I want. It’s made me happier than I ever have been in my whole entire life. Those kids… they were meant to be with Cas and I. All that shit I had to go through was so that I could be with Cas.” Dean believed it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Dean watched Charlie’s eyes hover over the girl who looked just like her mother, and Dean couldn’t believe that Charlie thought he didn’t know that she’d been in love with the other Charlie. Dean took another bite of his pizza as she joined him again at the entertainment center. “Charlie, I know you had feelings for Charlotte.” He also called her Charlotte when he was with Charlie. It just felt like they needed the distinction. She looked at him, her cheeks pink. 

“It would never have happened, Charlie. She wasn’t into girls like that. She was straight. But you know who did have feelings for you? Lucy.” Dean said. He watched her surprised expression. “You never gave her the time of day. But she loved you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you by dating Charlotte. I really wasn’t. I was trying to get you to realize how much Lucy loved you. If Charlotte was taken maybe you’d realize how awesome Lucy was. It just didn’t work. And if it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t really in love with her. I thought I might have been, but I didn’t really know what love was until I met Cas.” It was true. And Dean hadn’t thought he was in love with Charlotte, but he knew he couldn’t tell Charlie that. It would just make her upset. Dean sipped his beer. 

The subject of Lucy wasn’t really where Dean wanted to go, he’s not sure that he could tell Charlie about all that was happening with Lucy and the custody battle. He knew that he'd have to at some point, but he didn’t want to do it right now. Plus he knew that he wasn’t ready to be the one who ruined Charlie’s view of Lucy. Dean filled his plate with more pizza. He could feel John’s eyes on him, and he knew that John was going to interrupt them to talk very soon. Dean didn’t know that he could handle that just yet. Dean looked at Charlie, who’s eyes had filled with tears. “Charlie, you have to let all of that go. You deserve to move on and find someone who would love you for who you are.” 

It wasn’t what Charlie wanted to talk about. She met Dean’s gaze with wet green eyes, and she tried to convey in the look that she knew he was right without saying so out loud. She didn’t want to admit it out loud that she was still in love with Charlotte. Hearing that she hadn’t made it was really upsetting to Charlie. She closed her eyes and a tear or two slipped off her cheeks. “I’m going to miss Bobby so much, Dean.” It was true, she was going to miss him a lot. She hoped that he noticed that she changed the subject to Bobby because she needed to talk about anything else. And it being Bobby would tell Dean that she was serious about not talking about it. Charlie sniffled and met Dean’s eye. “He was an exceptional man, and I can’t believe that he was murdered and taken from us.” Charlie said. 

Before Dean could reply, John walked up. “Dean, can we talk, son?” He asked, and watched Dean’s face as he gave his father a nod. John led them into the kitchen so they could talk alone. John looked into Dean’s eyes, who to his credit, looked like he was about to start bawling at any second. His voice was soft and a bit rough at the same time as he said, “Dean, I want you to know, that what Claire is doing for you is a really sweet thing. But you can’t let her do it. You’ll get enough with the sale of the house and the shop to pay for your hospital bills. You can’t take her money.” John didn’t want to see the child end up regretting it later in her life. It was really touching to him though that Claire considered Dean her dad, her family. John didn’t know what to say about that. It was very touching to him. 

Dean knew that John didn’t want him to let Claire do this. “Dad, it’s been decided. It’s what’s happening. She’s going to give me the money and I’m going to take it. You are just going to have to be okay with it. Now can we talk about who you think did this to Bobby? ‘Cause I bet it’s the same conclusion that I came to.” Dean said, meeting his father’s gaze. He knew how disappointed John was in him for letting Claire do things the way she wanted. Dean had to know if John thought this was the work of Balthazar as well. Dean was sure that John had already hit on him as the one to have been guilty. Dean didn’t know that he wanted to be the one to say it though, he wanted to hear John say it that he thought it was Balthazar. 

Keeping his father’s eye, Dean wondered what he was thinking. It was hard to tell. Dean wasn’t sure that his dad was going to go along with the change of subject. John was stubborn, it was where Dean had gotten it from. Dean kept his gaze on him, and they seemed to be locked in a battle for power. Dean knew that John was going to expect him to give up, and he wasn’t going to do it. He had grown out of being scared of John a long time ago. Dean folded his arms, his eyes still wet with tears. Dean didn’t know how this talk was going to go, and he had to admit, that was worrying him a little. 

Keeping his gaze on Dean’s, John knew that Dean was waiting for him to speak first. If it were any other day, John would have given him what for. But he knew that this was the wrong time to do that. He let the subject change too. He wasn’t happy that they were letting Claire do that, but at the same time, he knew that she wasn’t his and he had to let Dean and Cas make their own parenting mistakes. John said, “Actually, I think it was Balthazar.” It was true, and he watched Dean’s eyebrow raise in surprise. “I am a cop, Dean Winchester.” John said, and Dean held up his hands in surrender. That was a good sign. 

“He’s pissed because Sam’s not going to serve jail time and he’s doing what he can to get justice.” John said, not surprised when Dean nodded. John said, “I’m not sure where to start with it, I don’t want him to know that we’re on to him, and I’m not allowed to work the case. Conflict of interest.” John made a face, but he knew why it was a rule. It actually wasn’t there to hinder cops. It was there to protect them and the cases. John knew he didn’t have to explain that either, Dean knew from all of the years John had spent on the force. John could tell that Dean was really taking this hard. As they stood here he was sniffling and wiping his eyes. John knew he had to still be hurting if he was letting all of that out.

“Dean, I know you don’t want to talk about Bobby, but you have got to talk to someone. You’re a mess.”

While he knew that his father was right, Dean didn’t want to talk about Bobby with John. Dean knew that John was fine with the boys having the kind of relationship that they did with Bobby, but he didn’t want to add salt to John’s wounds. He knew how much his dad had wanted to be there more when they were growing up. Dean wasn’t mad at him. He couldn’t speak for Sam, but John and Sam had always had a different kind of relationship than Dean and John had. Dean brushed some tears off his face, he had to admit, he was upset that he was crying around John. He hadn’t done that in a very long time. “I know that you’re right, Dad.” Dean finally said, choosing his words carefully. Dean didn’t want to say how he really felt with Bobby gone, it might upset his father even more than he already was. 

“Dad, you don’t want to hear what I have to say.” Dean told him. Bobby had been there for Dean’s entire life. Dean didn’t want to tell John that he was missing Bobby more than he had anyone in his entire life. And it was because he’d lost the person he trusted most in the world besides Cas. It’s not that he didn’t trust Sam, but they’d had some rough patches over the course of their lives together, and Dean had never had that with Bobby. Yeah, they’d had those couple of years where they hadn’t talked as much, but that wasn’t the same. Dean knew that John was going to take it hard that he’d gone to Bobby for so much, even if he was fine with the kids calling him Uncle Bobby and leaning on him when they needed to. That didn’t mean that he wouldn’t take this hard. 

“Trust me, Dad.” Dean said, his green eyes meeting John’s brown ones, earnestly. 

Keeping his eyes on Dean’s, John brushed his hand over his chin, and his eyes brushed with tears. He saw Dean’s eyes widen, and John knew that Dean knew how serious he was, he’d never cried in front of the boys before. “Dean, you think I don’t know how close you were to Bobby? I know that he was more of a father to you than I was.” He really did feel guilty about how hard he’d had to work to keep a roof over the boys’ head. He knew how much they’d relied on Bobby. John wasn’t upset about it. He knew it hadn’t been able to be helped. John brushed his hand through his beard. “I’m not mad. You didn’t have much of a choice I worked so hard all the time.” 

“You can say you’re not mad at me, and maybe you aren’t. I don’t know. You say you’re not. Who am I to call you a liar? But I’m mad at me. I should have been there for you more. Yeah, I had to work a lot, but maybe sometimes I avoided you, using work as an excuse. I was afraid of how I was going to raise you without Mary. I know I was wrong. You don’t have to act like you’re not mad if you are, Dean. I don’t blame you if you are. I know that Sam and I might not ever be the same as we were. Not that I blame him for that, either.” John said, his voice was getting soft, and his eyes were still dripping tears. 

Dean reached and handed his father a handkerchief. “Dad, I can’t speak for Sammy. But I’m not mad at you. I know you were just doing what you had to do. You were trying to be the best dad that you could. And believe me, now that I have kids of my own, I know how hard it is to be a parent. And I have Cas. You had to do it mostly alone for so long. I did lean on Bobby more than I leaned on you. But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t grateful for what you were doing for us. Or that I didn’t respect you. You know that I did. I never disobeyed you.” It was true. Dean hadn’t ever really gone against John’s word. Now Bobby’s, sometimes that happened. Especially after Dean was twelve and he was the one taking care of Sam most of the time. Dean had understood that John’s word was law and not to break it. That was something Sam had had more of a problem following than Dean had. 

“Dad, I did lean on Bobby for a lot of things. But sometimes I disobeyed him. Sometimes I did my best to piss him off because I was a kid and that’s just how I was. But Dad, I never disrespected you, and I was never going out of my way to piss you off. You were the one that I always tried to be perfect for. I cared so much more about your opinion on things than I did Bobby’s. Yeah, Bobby was my uncle, but you were my dad. I never took you for granted or didn’t ever not look up to you. You’re my hero, and you always have been.” Dean saw the look in his dad’s eyes, and he knew that he’d gone a bit farther than they usually did with the feelings. But Dean didn’t regret it. He knew that they had to get this stuff out in the open on occasion, and this was the perfect time.

The fact that Dean said all of that really touched John, more than he would admit out loud. But he kept Dean’s gaze, and reached out, squeezing his son’s shoulder. John wiped his eyes, and he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. Dean had said a lot that John hadn’t expected. John brushed his hand over his hair and then finally spoke. “I know that you looked up to me. I was always afraid that I’d let you down. Honestly, there was no better thrill for me than when you were proud of me. Honestly, kid. You and your brother’s opinions of me was all that mattered. I have always set out to do the best that I could by you boys.” It was true. John knew that Dean didn’t need to hear that out loud though. It had always been obvious from John’s actions how he felt about the boys. 

Before he could say anything more, Cas walked up to Dean, tears brushing his eyes. He looked like he was really getting upset. John stepped away so they could talk a moment, knowing that his and Dean’s talk wasn’t over. He watched Dean comforting Cas, and John was struck again by how much Dean loved his husband. John couldn’t believe how much life had changed for Dean in the last year. This wasn’t what he’d envisioned for Dean’s life, but he knew he wouldn’t have it any other way. Dean was who he was, and John loved him no matter what. And John really thought that Dean had found his destiny. It was Cas that he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life, John knew it without a doubt.

When John had walked away, Dean brushed some tears off Cas’ face. “What’s up, Cas?” Dean asked, he knew that it was something. Cas’ eyes were spewing tears and he was shaking he was so upset. Dean moved to sit with him on the couch, he’d foreseen Cas’ knees buckling and sitting was just easier. He waited for Cas to talk, not sure what he expected him to say. Cas seemed to be gathering his thoughts, and Dean knew that it was serious if Cas couldn’t even put it into words. Cas almost never had trouble with his words, it stemmed from Cas being a writer and using words for a living. 

Cas knew that Dean was waiting for him to speak. Cas was trying to put his thoughts into words. “Dean… I was…. I was in the kitchen. The radio was on, I was cleaning up some trash…. And then Can’t Help Falling In Love came on.” As soon as Cas said that, Dean’s own eyes brushed with tears. It had been Bobby’s favorite song, and he and Cas had danced to it once. Cas had been overcome with emotion, and he’d had to find Dean. Cas buried his head in Dean’s neck, as Dean began to softly sing the song, and Cas felt Dean’s beautiful voice wash over him, and he knew that it was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay when he could hear Dean’s voice singing to him. 

_Wise men say only fools rush in_  
But I can’t help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay?  
Would it be a sin  
If I can’t help falling in love with you 

_Like a river flows_  
Surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can’t help falling in love with you __

__

___**Author’s note: So, I hope ya’ll are hanging in. Using the song by Elvis is of course my nod to Twist and Shout, so it’s so not my idea for using it for Destiel. I’m not even a fan of Elvis, in all honesty. I’ve been doing a lot of SPN over the last few days so Destiel has been my feels as of late. Leave a review if you like!** _ _ _


	15. Like A River Flows

Chapter Fifteen: Like A River Flows

_Two Weeks Later_

It was a beautiful April morning, and it was Frankie’s fourth birthday. It was luckily a Saturday, so that was her party day. Cas was getting decorations up. Dean had retreated into himself since the day of the funeral. Cas hadn’t been able to get him out of the bedroom. Only with the promise of sex could Cas get him in the shower. Cas was putting them up alone, John and Ellen had come by to take Frankie to a birthday breakfast. Dean was upstairs in the bedroom, there was loud Led Zeppelin playing, and Cas knew there was some kind of boozing going on too, and he wouldn’t be surprised if there was some pot smoking too. Cas had suspiciously found his bowl that it went in sitting on the dresser. 

He was reaching for some more crepe paper when there were keys in the door, and Jo came in, calling out to them. She moved in further and Cas saw her. “Hey, Jo.” Cas said, unable to keep the sad tone out of his voice. Cas had been just as depressed as Dean had been, but it was more of he was worried about Dean and couldn’t do anything to help. Cas knew that Bobby wouldn’t want them to mope and be depressed forever, and he was trying to honor that. Cas knew that Dean knew that too but it was just hard to remember with all of the pain he was feeling. Cas leaned out and kissed her cheek. Jo was an amazing sister in law. Cas couldn’t imagine life without her right now, she was being super helpful with things because of Bobby’s death. She knew how hard everyone was taking it. Cas loved that she was trying to be that helpful. 

Jo held up the bag of presents she’d gotten for Frankie. Jo was finally starting to show some. She wasn’t sure if she liked that, but she knew it was going to make her feel so much better the more she showed, the more the baby grew. Jo grinned as Cas touched her baby bump. It was very small. She knew he needed to focus on something happy, and she was trying to give that to him. Jo needed to throw herself into making sure that everyone around her was okay, in order for her to get through her grief. She did her best to ignore the Led Zeppelin that was playing through the floor. Whenever Dean was ultra depressed, the Zeppelin vinyl came out. Dean would listen to them on other platforms, but his favorite was vinyl, and when he was this upset, it had to be vinyl. 

She said, “Isn’t it amazing? Sam was talking to it this morning before work.” She didn’t know how she could be happier about the baby. It felt a little wrong to her to be so happy about the baby while everyone was upset about Bobby. But she knew that no one would judge her for feeling that way. She especially knew that Cas wouldn’t because he knew what had happened to her in high school. Jo moved to help Cas putting up the banners. The party was at noon, and everyone was supposed to be there. Jo knew that everyone was going to feel Bobby’s presence, even if it wasn’t physical. Jo brushed her hand across the tape that was on top of the banner. It said happy birthday in pink and purple, and Jo knew that Frankie was going to flip her lid when she saw it. 

Cas’ face fell. He couldn’t help himself. He had to talk to her about Dean. His eyes brushed with tears. “Jo, he’s…. He’s taking this too hard.” Cas said, his eyes brimming over and tears falling down his cheeks. Cas was so worried about Dean he couldn’t focus on anything. They’d sold the mechanic shop, and the money was already put back for something for Claire. Dean’s medical bills were paid, and the rest of the money was put up for possibly a bigger house and private school for Frankie and possibly Claire. Although Cas knew that she wasn’t exactly doing that well in her classes. But it was because of other things, not because she wasn’t smart. Cas knew that all of that should have at least had some joy in it, but Dean had retreated even further into himself. 

“Jo, he’s not bathing unless I promise sex, which I try to do as often as I think he’ll go for it. Not just to get him to bathe, but also because I know that the sex helps him feel better. He won’t say it out loud, but I can tell. I’m so lost as to anything else to do to help him that I’m trying to do what I know works as often as I can.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to do if he couldn’t at least get Dean to move some. He knew it wasn’t going to get better instantly or possibly even soon, but he wanted to get least get Dean to be getting out of bed and eating regularly and things like that. It was incredibly hard so far. “I managed to get him to at least shower and dress today, for Frankie. He may be so bad off right now, but he does whatever he can to keep Frankie from seeing how sad he is.” Cas was glad that that was something that Dean was trying to do, shield their daughter from how hard Dean was taking things. 

She hated that Cas was so strung out over Dean, and she was sorry that Dean was taking things so hard that Cas had to worry. She touched Cas’ arm as they stepped closer. She said, “Cas, I promise, this too shall pass. I know that you’re worried, but I promise, he’ll start to come around. He just needs to feel all of this right now. Dean’s just lost someone that was pretty much a second father to him, and it feels like it did when he lost Mary all over again.” She told him. Jo knew that this was hard for Cas, having to see Dean like this and think he wasn’t going to make it through what he was going through. Jo understood that though because she was dealing with that a bit with Sam. But she knew that he wasn’t as bad off as Dean was. Sam was burying himself into work to get through his feelings. 

Jo handed Cas a tissue, who quickly began to use it, he heard feet on the stairs. Jo heard the feet too and looked up in surprise when she saw Dean. He wasn’t dressed, but he was showered and in a robe. Jo noticed he hadn’t shaved, so he had a week and a half beard going on. But she knew that Cas liked that, so that wasn’t as much of an issue. Jo met Dean’s eyes, and she saw the pain there. Jo’s own eyes brushed with tears at the sight of him. Dean honestly was in the most pain she had ever seen him in. Jo knew then that she might have been wrong about what she’d just said to Cas. Jo looked up into Dean’s eyes, and she said, “Hey, Dean.” She didn’t know what else to say to him. She could tell how in pain he was. He was doing his best to hide it though and she knew that it was for Frankie. She loved that about him so much, that he was willing to do whatever he could for his daughter. 

When Jo said his name, Dean’s eyes flooded with tears. He didn’t know what he was going to say to her. When their eyes met, Dean knew that she saw how bad it was. Dean was trying to prove to Cas that it wasn’t as bad as it actually was. Mostly because he was trying to keep Cas from worrying more than he had to. Dean had caught on to Cas’ sex plan to get him to bathe. Dean didn’t mind that so much, because he knew that he needed to be prodded about that. Dean kept her gaze for a few seconds, and he tried to let her know in the look that he had acknowledged her but he couldn’t say anything out loud back. Dean honestly didn’t know what he would say if he was able to say something out loud. Dean would completely break down and he knew that if he did that him being somewhat normal for Frankie’s party would never happen. 

“Cas? Can I talk to you, baby?” Dean asked, his voice barely audible and his tone shaking. He met his husband’s eyes, and he nodded, and they stepped out of the dining room and into the kitchen. Dean moved with Cas, leaning against the island. Dean reached out, touching Cas’ chest, he was wearing a purple polo shirt and a pair of khakis. Dean couldn’t help but love the way Cas dressed, he was so cute and preppy. Dean was so far from that that it kind of tickled him that Cas was. They were so different in so many ways. Dean brushed his hand across his chest, stroking the place where he could hear Cas’ heart beating. He lifted his gaze to Cas’ blue eyes, and he was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “I am freaking out. I know that I have to do this for Frankie, but I know that I have to see everyone and be somewhat normal and I can’t,...” Dean knew that he had to do this. And he was going to. He just couldn’t do it on his own. He needed his husband’s help with this. 

“I can’t do this without one of my tranquilizers. I need you to help me. You know how those kind of mellow me out a bit too much. I need you to help me be as normal as possible.” Dean didn’t know how he was going to get through this. Dean knew that he was going to give it his all though, because it was for Frankie. He would do just about anything for her. 

When Dean told him he needed help, Cas actually felt his heart swell with love for him. Cas knew that this was a big step in getting better. Cas brushed his hand along Dean’s robe belt. He knew that he shouldn’t, Jo was here and she’d know that they’d had sex. Cas brushed some tears off Dean’s face with his other hand. He said, “You know that I will do whatever I can to make this easier for you. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you that you’re doing this for Frankie. I know how hard this is going to be for you. You can do this, Dean. I know you can. And it’s not wrong for you to do what you have to to do this for her.” Cas knew that Dean was worried about taking the drugs they’d prescribed him. Cas knew that it was because of how many people got addicted to drugs.

He knew that Dean was going to be fine though. He was being ultra careful with taking them, and Cas knew that that was what was going to keep him from getting addicted. Cas brushed his fingers lightly through Dean’s brown hair. He knew that Dean liked that, and he was rewarded with Dean’s eyes fluttering a bit. Cas felt so good that he’d done something to make Dean feel something other than the pain about Bobby. He considered that a win. He’d take them however he could get them. “Have you picked something to wear? I know that you don’t want to dress up too much. I’m okay with that. I know how hard this is all being on you.” He didn’t know he could live with himself if he tried to control how Dean dressed. It didn’t matter anyway, Frankie was just going to be glad that Dean was there. She knew that Dean was spending a lot of time in his room, and they’d told her he was sick. Because he was. 

They just knew that it wasn’t the kind of sick that Frankie thought it was, and Cas was hoping that she wasn’t worrying that Dean was going to die like Charlie did. Cas knew that he wasn’t going to stop worrying about that no matter what happened.

Dean was so glad that Cas was willing to do what he needed. Even though he’d known that that would happen. Cas was never one to turn down helping Dean however he needed. There as a lump in Dean’s throat, and he knew that he couldn’t form words to reply to what Cas had said. He didn’t know how he was going to put into words how much he was grateful for Cas. Dean knew that he wasn’t going to make it through any of this without Cas. Dean looked into Cas’ eyes, his heart was pounding hard and his eyes brimmed over with tears. Dean knew that he couldn’t talk right now without breaking down completely. He wanted to be able to answer Cas’ other questions about clothes and things. He didn’t have any idea what he was going to wear, and he pretty much didn’t care. It was going to be hard enough to get through this and have to act normal when all he wanted to do was curl up in Cas’ underwear and watch tv until he couldn’t stay awake anymore. 

When he found his voice again, Dean said, “I don’t know what I’m going to wear yet. I was more concerned with the fact that I have to get through this.” He’d also asked Charlie to come, not really sure why. Other than she was one of Dean’s best friends. And he knew that he wanted her to get to know Frankie, too. Dean didn’t know what he was supposed to do about any of this. He was just nervous as hell about having to be around people and act like he wasn’t drowning in his grief. Dean didn’t want to be normal, it was going to take a lot of effort at the moment. Dean finally was able to speak. “I could use your help picking out something to wear after we get my tranquilizer.” He refused to know where they were, Cas was the keeper of them. Dean didn’t want to give himself the temptation of knowing where they were so he could get one whenever he wanted. Dean didn’t like having to rely on medications as it was. 

There was more he wasn’t saying, and Cas knew it was okay. He knew it was because Dean couldn’t say what he wanted to say. Cas was willing to wait till he was ready to say what it was he needed to say. Cas reached down and took Dean’s hand. “Come on, we’ll go upstairs, I’ll get your pill and then we’ll pick out some clothes.” Cas poked his head in the other room long enough to tell Jo he’d be back in a few minutes, and then they walked upstairs. Cas had Dean wait in the hall as he got out Dean’s pill and then a cup of water. They were hidden in the back of Cas’ side of the closet. Cas called for him that it was okay to come in, and then he moved to Dean’s side of the closet. 

He buried himself in Dean’s side of the closet, it was a large walk in closet, and the clothes were on a moving rack. “What about those skinny jeans I got you and that blue fitted tee I got you?” Cas had taken to shopping for Dean when he’d been recovering from his heart surgery. Mostly because Dean couldn’t speak up and say no don’t buy me that. Cas liked that he was willing to wear the things that Cas did buy though. Cas didn’t know how he could get so lucky to have someone like Dean. Dean was always willing to do whatever he could to make Cas happy, to see him smile. Cas had to admit, that was one of the things he loved most about Dean. He loved Cas as much as Cas loved him and was willing to do the same things Cas was to show it. Since this whole relationship started Dean had never once been afraid or ashamed that he was with a man. 

Carrying the items in question, he moved out of the closet to show Dean, who was sitting on the bed. “See? Still casual but not those flannel shirts you favor.” Cas said, smiling softly at Dean so he’d know that Cas was kidding. He loved Dean and that included his penchant for flannel. 

Dean had taken his pill, and he was looking blankly at the clothes that Cas was holding out. He did hear what Cas was saying, but he wasn’t sure that the words were even registering. He looked at the jeans and shirt Cas was holding out, and he took them from him. Dean stood, and started to get dressed. He wasn’t wearing his own underwear, he’d put on a pair of Cas’ silky boxer briefs. Dean wasn’t even sure where he got them, they didn’t usually make them silky. He didn’t mind though, he liked knowing that he was wearing underwear that had touched Cas’ most private parts of his body. Dean wasn’t sure he could admit it out loud to anyone, it was just too private. 

He put the clothes in place, he’d seen Cas’ eyes taking in that he was wearing his underwear. Dean wasn’t able to keep the smile off his face when he thought of it. Dean finished getting dressed and then sat down on the bed, his bare feet sinking into the carpet. Dean loved the carpet, he was going to miss it if they moved. Dean let his toes curl in the soft carpet, and he hummed softly to himself as he watched Cas puttering around the bedroom. Dean knew why he was still here, he didn’t want to leave Dean alone, not when he knew that Dean was so nervous about the party, and whether or not Dean would be able to be at it. Dean knew that Cas’ fears were ungrounded, Dean was going to have a hard time with this but he knew that he could do it. Dean brushed his hand through his wet brown hair. He said, “Cas, I promise, I’m going to be downstairs at the party. You don’t have to be afraid to leave me alone.” 

Dean knew that Cas was going to deny that that’s what he was doing. He was fine with that, he knew what the real reason was Cas was still up here. 

Cas didn’t know how to deny that, and he knew that’s what Dean was expecting. “I’m sorry, Dean, but it’s not about you not going to the party. It’s about I know how sad you are and I don’t want to leave you alone to deal with it yourself.” Cas told him, and wasn’t able to keep the smile off his face when Dean was looking at him with a bit of surprise. “Dean, I promise, I trust you to do what you said you were going to do. And you want to be there for Frankie so much that you took one of your pills, which I know you don’t like to do.” Cas knew that that was serious proof that Dean was going to do what he said he would. And Dean was usually not one to say he was going to do something and then not do it. It was one of the best things that Cas loved about him. 

Knowing Dean was right though, Cas moved to him, and kissed him softly. “I know that I don’t need to be with you, but I want to.” He said, and Dean wasn’t able to keep from smiling. Cas always appreciated time with his husband, and would take it whenever he could get it. “I need to keep putting up decorations and I’m touching up the cake.” He’d made it the day before. He met those green eyes, and was blown away again by how beautiful they were. Dean was one of the most beautiful and handsome men Cas had ever known. Cas had never been with anyone else that was as beautiful as Dean was. Cas brushed his fingers through the wet hair that hung over Dean’s forehead. He did need a haircut. Cas moved his gaze back to Dean’s eyes. 

“How about later I give you a haircut?” Cas asked, his fingers moving slowly. Dean’s hair was wavy, and everyone’s hair looks different dry than wet. It would definitely be just as normal as it was when he was able to cut it. Cas knew that Dean wasn’t one to let his hair get too long. 

Dean looked back into Cas’ eyes. “You do that and you might have to fuck me after.” Dean said, grinning his first real grin in awhile. Cas’ eyes lit up and Dean knew that he was so into that idea. Having Cas’ hands in his hair that much was going to end with Dean getting very turned on. That was the fun part though, it always ended in amazing sex. Dean took in his husband’s adorable face and smiled at him. “Now go on before Jo thinks we’re having sex or something.” Dean joked, and Cas went out of the room and down the stairs. Dean watched him, and he knew that there was so much that was going to change. They were going to have such different lives now that Bobby was gone. Dean knew that he would give all of it back to have Bobby back. He just knew that there was no possibility of that, and he knew that that was what was really getting him down. 

The party was in full swing a few hours later, Frankie was running around the backyard with the new puppy Cas and Dean had gotten for her. Dean wasn’t a dog person, but he knew that it would help Frankie and it was going to be a good idea in the long run. Cas was putting out some more pizza, they’d ordered from this local place that they loved. Cas looked across the yard, Frankie and the puppy, who was a golden retriever, who was a girl and named Diana, after Wonder Woman. She was Frankie’s favorite superhero. Then his gaze fell on Charlie, who was talking with John over near the grill. They weren’t using it at the moment but it was still a nice place to chill out and have a conversation. 

Cas moved to clean up some of the paper plates. They’d already done the presents and cake, Frankie was four and hard to keep focused on one thing. He was putting the plates in the trash bag when his brother in law came over to him. Cas looked at him. “Sam, how are you?” He asked, he knew that Sam was feeling the Bobby grief as much as everyone else was, but he hadn’t really been speaking about it much. Cas brushed his hand through his black hair. Sam reached for a paper plate and put some of the raw veggies Cas had put out on it. Sam was a healthy eater most of the time, he would every once in awhile eat something unhealthy but not usually. Cas wondered if Sam was just looking for someone to ask him how he was. He wanted to be close with Sam, since he knew that Sam would be in his life permanently. They were doing well in that respect in Cas’ eyes. 

“Sam, how are you? How have you been dealing with everything?” 

That was a loaded question that Sam didn’t really want to answer. He looked at Cas, watching him put away some of the trash. Cas was definitely the one that was Felix between the two of them. Sam knew that Dean never cleaned up a party while it was in progress, he wanted to do it all at once. Sam didn’t know what he was going to say to Cas in reply to his question. Sam brushed his hand through his shaggy brown hair and looked at his brother in law. “I don’t really feel anything. I feel numb.” It was true, he did feel numb. He should be feeling unimaginable pain, and he knew that he had at the beginning, but not now. Sam just felt like there was nothing to live for, nothing to feel anything about. Sam didn’t really know how to explain it other than that. He knew that Cas would most likely know what he meant though. 

Sam sighed as Cas waited for him to start talking again. Sam didn’t really know what else to say, he was just numb. “I don’t… Jo’s sad, of course, but she’s still able to find things to focus on, things that she can use to keep her occupied so she doesn’t feel her feelings. I can’t feel anything. I wish I could.” Sam didn’t know what he was supposed to do to start feeling things again. Sam also knew that it would be awhile before he’d start to feel better. He was trying to do the best he could by everyone though, despite how he was feeling, or rather, not feeling. Sam didn’t know how things could get worse. He knew not to say that out loud though, he knew it would get worse. That was how it worked, especially with their family.

Reaching out, Cas touched Sam’s shoulder, squeezing it briefly. He thought hugging him would get Sam to get upset or something and he didn’t want to make him more upset if he didn’t have to. Cas nodded slowly. “It’s not wrong to feel that way. I don’t know that I could ever blame you for that.” Cas had felt like that when his parents had died. He had felt like that for awhile afterwards. Cas knew that Sam knew about his parents being dead, but Cas wasn’t sure they’d ever talked about how Cas had felt about it. He looked into Sam’s hazel eyes. “Sam, I lost my parents, both at the same time. Car accident.” Cas hoped he’d be able to get through it without crying. It was being remembered, the pain of losing his parents. He still couldn’t believe that Bobby was gone, that he’d never get to hear Bobby’s voice again, calling him an “idjit”. 

“All of this is bringing back the pain I felt. And for awhile after it happened, I felt numb. For months. I finally started to start living again when I realized how much my parents wouldn’t want me to live my life that way.” Cas didn’t want Sam to think he was trying to lecture him. “You’ll stop feeling numb eventually. You just need to find the thing that’s going to help you see that you have to be living your life again.” Cas didn’t know what it would be for Sam, but he did know that Sam had to come to the conclusion of what it was on his own. Cas brushed his hand across his chin, and looked out over the yard. He was looking for Dean. Dean was sitting on one of the lounge chairs, watching Frankie run around with Diana. Cas knew that he was struggling to remain with everyone. 

Sam caught his gaze. “Cas, I know how bad Dean is.” He said, looking at his brother in law. Cas met his eyes, and Sam said, “I’ve known him my whole life, and I know when he’s in pain and I know that he’s barely hanging on right now.” Sam knew that Cas was worried about Dean, too. He could tell when Cas was worried. He got extra attentive of Dean, fussed over him like a mother would. Sam knew that that was just the way that Cas needed to be in order to ease his worry a little. Sam had never seen someone love his brother so fiercely. Sam knew that this was going to work out for all of them. He didn’t know how, but he did. Sam just was wondering how much crap they’d have to go through till it got that way again. It was just so hard to get through and still have the notion that it was going to be okay.

“You don’t have to hide it from me. Dean may have been able to fool everyone else, but he didn’t fool me. I know how hard he’s taking it. I know that he let you drug him up.” Sam met Cas’ eyes, and it was confirmed in that look that he was right. Sam didn’t know what Cas was going to say in return. He also knew that this wasn’t going to be something that was going to have an easy fix. Sam didn’t know that he blamed him for being nervous about what was going to have to happen to help Dean. It was going to be a lot of hard work. Sam had seen this happen to him before, and it had been a long time since Dean was able to move past the pain he’d been feeling. Dean had found out that his girlfriend at the time had had a miscarriage. It had been the hardest thing that Dean had gone through in his life up to that point. Sam wasn’t sure if Dean had mentioned this to Cas or not. 

Sam leaned closer to Cas, who was looking upset that Sam knew what was really going on. Sam also knew that he’d told Jo, but he didn’t want to let Cas in on that secret. He wanted to let them have their view of things. Sam brushed his hand across his hair and met Cas’ eyes. “He was in this kind of pain before, and let me tell you, it was a year before he was over it. It was right after high school and he had to move in back home with us for awhile because he couldn’t keep his job at the time.” Sam wasn’t sure if he should tell Cas what it was without asking Dean, it was Dean’s pain that he should get to decide who knows. By the look on Cas’ face, he knew that Cas could tell he knew what it had been. 

It was on the tip of Cas’ tongue to ask him what it had been that had thrown Dean into the period he was in now. Cas knew that Sam knew what it was. He just didn’t know if that was his place, to ask Sam. He should wait for Dean to tell him. “I would ask you what it was, but it’s not my place to ask you right now. Dean should tell me himself when he’s ready. I’m trying to do the best I can to make him feel better. And I know that there’s not much that will right now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and it’s killing me.” Cas said, and he knew that his pain was evident in his voice. “It hurts so much that I can see him in all this pain and not know what to do. I feel so helpless, not able to do anything. I don’t know how to help my own husband.” Cas said, as his chin started to wobble. He was about to lose it.

He started to cry, and Sam stepped forward, reaching out and touching Cas’ shoulder. Cas cried for a moment before he said, “It hurts me so much to see him like this and not be able to help.” Cas was thinking that he might need his own medication. It was making him feel helpless so much so that it was reminding him of the last times he felt that way. Since that was when he lost his parents and when he was attacked in high school. Cas was sure that Sam didn’t know about the attack. Cas wasn’t sure he could get through that right now. It was going to make him even more upset. Cas sniffled and cried some more. “Sam, I can’t tell you why, but I have felt this way twice in my life before. I can’t feel this way and help Dean right now.” Cas said, his voice was shaking. He didn’t know that he could get through this. 

“It’s getting so hard, Sam.” 

When Sam heard Cas’ voice breaking on that last sentence, his heart fell into pieces. Sam knew that this might be the end of him feeling numb. Because he felt so awful for Cas and how he felt right now. “I’m so sorry that this is affecting you this way. I would never want that. You need to be able to lean on someone too. I know that Dean would be so upset if he knew how upset you are over this. He’d feel like it was his fault.” Sam knew that that was true. Even if he knew that it wasn’t true. Dean couldn’t help how he felt, and neither could Cas. Sam couldn’t imagine going through what Dean and Cas were. He knew that it might happen, he knew there was something big that Jo hadn’t told him yet. Sam just wanted her to tell him when she was ready. All of this was weighing hard on Cas and Dean, and Sam couldn’t imagine how hard that must be for them. He felt anger at the person who shot Bobby for doing this to all of them.

He reached out and hugged Cas then, who cried on his shoulder. Sam was so glad that Cas was letting him in, letting him help him. He didn’t want Cas to be having to feel all of this alone, not be able to lean on Dean. Sam wasn’t blaming Dean for that. He was so wrapped up in his own pain, and he got why that was. This was Bobby. He had been a constant in Dean’s life for his entire life and then he was just gone. Sam didn’t know how any of them were dealing with this. But especially Dean, who actually felt things much harder than he let people see. Sam knew that Dean was someone who prided on keeping his emotions to himself. Sam knew that it was just how a lot of Texan men were. He didn’t really doubt that that wasn’t going to change. Because he knew that Dean had Cas. Cas was all he needed in order to talk about things. How he felt.

Leaning back, Sam said, “You can talk to me whenever you need to, and I won’t ever tell Dean what you say if you don’t want me to. I know that not everything needs to be told. I don’t want to make him feel worse about anything, either.” Sam knew how much worse Dean would feel. 

It was all true, what Sam was saying. Cas looked into Sam’s eyes. “I know that I can talk to you.” Cas said. He did know. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say now. If he went any further than what he was doing right now he would never be able to calm down. He brushed his hand across his throat as he worked to calm down. He managed to mostly, and reached for a paper towel to wipe his eyes. He had to calm down, or Dean would lose it too and it would just be a disaster. Cas was trying to avoid that, it was the first family event since Bobby, he wanted it to at least go semi normal, especially what with it being Frankie’s birthday. 

Before Sam could say anything more, Dean approached them. “Hey, baby.” Cas said, putting on a weak smile and leaning to kiss Dean. Cas knew he could tell something was off though. Cas heard him ask Sam to give them a minute, and Sam walked off. Then he was alone with Dean. Cas looked into those green eyes, and they were watching him curiously, and they had a knowing look in them. Cas knew he was about to ask him what was going on. Cas felt like a deer in the headlights, because he knew that he couldn’t tell Dean what he’d been talking to Sam about. Not right now. When he was feeling better, yeah, but not now. “What is it, baby?” Cas asked, finally acknowledging that he had heard Dean asking Sam to give them a minute. 

Dean reached out and brushed some hair off Cas’ forehead. “Cas, I know you. I know you better than anyone, and I know when you’re upset. You were talking to Sam and you were crying. I know how bad off I am right now, and I know that you think you can’t tell me things. You can though. If I’m leaning on you, you should be able to lean on me, okay?” Dean asked, and Cas looked at him, his chin trembling. Dean knew that he was working on replying to him. Dean didn’t know what Cas was going to do, but he was determined to get the answer out of him. Dean knew that he was going to feel even worse if Cas was upset and he wasn’t given the chance to help him. 

“You have to tell me what’s going on. I know you think it’s going to hurt me, but not knowing what’s going on with you makes it worse. I know me being this upset has to be killing you. You must be feeling so…” Dean stopped. He looked into Cas’ eyes, he was struggling to hold back tears. Dean brushed some of them off Cas’ cheek, a view rouge ones that escaped. Dean leaned out and kissed Cas softly. “I love you, Castiel Winchester, and I want you to tell me when you’re feeling helpless. When you’re feeling so lost that you don’t know what to do. Because you know how much I love you and I want you to be able to tell me things.” Dean didn’t even begin to know how Cas must be feeling, from experience, and he wasn’t trying to know. But he wanted Cas to let him in, to help him when he was feeling this upset. 

When Dean guessed what was going on with him, Cas didn’t know what to say. He knew his silence confirmed it. Dean was right. Cas brushed his hand through his hair and then started to cry, unable to help himself. The fact that Dean was trying to make him feel better when he was so messed up really got to Cas. He knew how much Dean loved him, and this was completely showing him just that fact. Cas knew that Dean needed him to confirm it. He nodded slightly. He didn’t know how he’d let this happen, Dean had asked him to help him from getting so upset and here he was, crying. “Come on, we have to go inside. I don’t want Frankie to see.” Cas said, and reached down and slipped his hand into Dean’s, leading him inside the house, going to the kitchen. 

When they were safely inside the kitchen, Cas turned to Dean, who was sliding his arms around Cas’ waist. Cas was quiet, letting Dean’s warm arms wrap around him before he started talking. “Dean, I know that you need to feel this right now. I know that. I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t. It’s just incredibly hard for me to see you like this and not be able to do anything about it.” He took a breath, needing the pause. Dean just looked at him patiently. Cas sniffled. His arms were slid around Dean’s neck. Cas stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, because it helped calm him when he was upset. The bonus was Dean liked it. Cas finally started speaking again. “I feel so helpless, and it’s just reminding me of the other times that I’ve felt that way and it’s just really hard to keep going right now.” 

Dean’s eyes widened. “Wait, this…. I’m causing you to have flashbacks of how you felt when….” He stopped. He didn’t have to say it. They both knew. He felt sick to his stomach. “Cas… I can’t…. I can’t be here if it’s going to make you feel that way.” Dean hated that this was happening, but he had to go. Cas’ eyes took him in, and he was crying. Dean hated that he’d done that to him. “I’m sorry, Cas, but I can’t stick around here right now and see you so messed up and not being able to do anything about it.” The words that were coming out of his mouth were wrong, but Dean knew that he meant them. He would feel so much worse if he was here and causing Cas to feel like he did when that woman had attacked him. 

Cas immediately started to freak out when Dean was talking. He let go of Cas and moved to the stairs, muttering about something, getting clothes together and going somewhere else till he felt better. Cas was aching, he didn’t think, scratch that, he knew he couldn’t get along if Dean was staying somewhere other than here. “Dean! Please! We’re married. I want you here, please don’t go!” He pleaded, following after him. They got to the bedroom, and Dean reached for his battered duffle bag and started filling it with stuff. Cas reached out and stilled his hands. “Please, Dean, I can’t do this if you aren’t here! I can’t, I will die every day I don’t wake up next to you.” It was true, and his chin was wobbling and tears fell off his face. 

It was actually a few minutes, but it felt like seconds as Dean shook off Cas’ hands and finished filling the bag, running down the stairs, and out the door. Cas had followed him down the stairs, and he stood now, staring at the door Dean had left open. He knew that Dean was trying to do the right thing, but it wasn’t the right thing. Cas felt this huge hole now and he was trying to breathe. “Dad!” Cas yelled, hoping John could hear him in the backyard, as he started to have trouble breathing, and then everything went black.

 

_**Author’s note: Whoops. I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY. I promise, this too shall pass, I don’t plan to drag it out. Again, this was not the plan. Unfortunately, it happened. This fic has taken me so many places, and I feel it’s not done with that just yet. I hope ya’ll are hanging in!** _


	16. I Know You're Out There

Chapter Sixteen: I Know You’re Out There

John heard a yell and ran through the house, his cop skills taking over. He found his son in law in the foyer, passed out on the floor. John immediately went to him, and pulled out a phone, calling into Dispatch that he needed a bus. It didn’t look like Cas was beaten, so John was going to guess it was something internal. Possibly he fainted. Then John noticed the open door. He called out, “Dean?!” He knew that his son would want to know about this. He didn’t hear anything, but the rest of the family came in to see what had happened. John asked if they’d seen Dean. No one had. Charlie looked upset when she saw Cas on the floor. 

The ambulance got there pretty quickly, and by the time they had, Cas was starting to come to from the water John had gotten someone to toss on him. John didn’t know what he expected Cas to say, but it wasn’t what he was saying. That Dean had gotten upset, packed a bag, and had left. John knew that Dean wouldn’t leave Cas without a good reason. John looked at Cas, and tried to get him to calm down. They were checking his vitals, Cas still leaned against John on the floor. John rubbed Cas’ arm. “Honey, what did you mean when you said that Dean left?” He asked, he didn’t want to further upset him, but his cop brain had to know why this had happened. John was trying to make sense of this, and he had to know if Cas had really meant that he left. Left for good. 

When Cas heard John ask him the question, at first, he wasn’t sure if he heard him correctly. He could hear Frankie calling his name, and Cas wished he could answer her. He couldn’t really focus on anything. He lay there, listening to the EMTs, who were looking him over, trying to determine why he’d passed out. Cas knew it was because of a panic attack. His voice was hoarse as he started to talk, John having to quiet down everyone so they could hear his words. “I was having a discussion with my husband. Something came to light, that he didn’t know, and he got upset and went to pack a bag and…. Leave.”

His words were punctuated by sobs, it was still so insane. Dean had left. He had taken off. Cas still couldn’t wrap his mind around it. “He said he loved me, but he had to go because of this thing that came to light. It hurts me, see, and he thinks it’s because of him. So he’s thinking that he’s saving me by removing himself until he’s…. More able to be here.” Cas knew it was hard to explain without telling them what had conspired exactly. But Cas couldn’t say the words. He couldn’t tell everyone what had happened to him. He looked up at John. He could tell John. John would listen and he would keep Cas’ secret. He suspected that John might already know, he was sure Dean might have called to get advice. If he did know, Cas wasn’t going to be upset. Dean needed someone to talk to about all of this, too. 

“Dad, I have to talk to you, alone.” Cas said, his eyes boring into John’s, as meaningful as he could make them. 

When the EMTs had determined he was fine, and wasn’t in need of a hospital, they left, making them promise to make sure to keep Castiel hydrated for the rest of the day. John helped Cas into the living room, and the others took Frankie outside to have some cake and try to answer her questions and help her in any way they could. John looked at Cas, who was sipping a glass of ice water. He didn’t want to rush Cas. “Cas, you know that you can tell me anything. I know there’s more to this than meets the eye. Dean would never leave you.” This was said with absolute certainty, and without any qualms of doubt. 

John honestly believed that Dean would do anything to avoid hurting Cas, and he was sure that that was not what had happened. John reached out and touched Cas’ shoulder, and was surprised when Cas reached out for that hand and held it, settling their joined hands on his knee. John looked at him, ever patient. He knew that it would come out when Cas was ready. He wondered if this had to do with Cas’ attack. He didn’t want to assume, bit you never knew. John knew that Cas hadn’t told anyone but Dean, and honestly, he had been waiting for Cas to tell him about it, ask him questions. Maybe this is when it was going to happen.

Once his fingers were laced with John’s, Cas knew that he might have the strength to tell him this. He started talking, telling John how it had started, back in high school. Cas went through everything he’d ever felt, and how it had all been coming back in the last few months since he’d met Dean. Cas didn’t know what he was going to do when he got to the part about leaving. It was still so hard to even consider. But it got to that part, Cas was now telling him what he’d been talking about with Sam. John’s face went through several emotions while Cas was talking, and one of them was anguish, and right now, that was it. Cas knew it was because of the way Dean was taking Bobby’s death. And how it was affecting everyone else. Cas’ voice shook when he got to the part about Dean filling his duffel bag.

“He said he’d…. He said that he’d be back. He didn’t say it was forever….. But, Dad, I can’t get through an hour without him, let alone however long this is going to be.” Cas said, and he wished that he could turn back time and change so many things, butterfly effect be damned. He ached so much for Dean, there was no end in sight. Cas fell quiet with the part where he’d called for him and didn’t remember anything else. Cas knew that this couldn’t be the end of their story. They had children together. Cas wanted Dean here so much, he hadn’t expected Dean to take it this way. He’d known that he’d be upset, but Cas had never expected him to leave like that. Wasn’t this killing him? Like it was Cas? He felt like the world was over. Cas could hardly even breathe, it ached so much. 

That was the wildest thing John had ever heard, but he knew that Cas wasn’t making it up. He couldn’t fake the way he was feeling now. He could tell that was true anguish. John reached out and hugged him tightly. Tears brushed his own eyes. He couldn’t believe this. “I will go and talk to him, Castiel. I won’t let him do this to you.” John understood why Dean had done what he’d done, but he had to be told that Cas wanted him back home. That this wasn’t the way to go about things. John had to pause for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. John was so disappointed in Dean right now, even if he could understand why he’d done what he’d done. “I’ll make him listen, Cas. I can get him to come home.” He honestly didn’t know how Dean could have left Cas, even if he was trying not to hurt Cas. It was just hard to see him doing this. 

John pulled back, and looked into Cas’ eyes. “I’ll find him right now if you like. I will make sure that he knows that you want him to come back home. I am so sorry that he did this to you, son.” John didn’t know how this had happened. He looked into Cas’ eyes, and he wasn’t able to keep the emotion out of his voice or his eyes. They began to leak tears. “Was he really that upset about….. About Bobby? Was he really playing the vinyl Zeppelin?” He asked, he knew how serious that pain was, if that was the case. Cas didn’t answer vocally, but he did nod. John sighed, he hadn’t wanted it to be that serious. John wished he could do something, but he knew that there wasn’t much to be said while Dean was in this kind of pain. 

Brushing his hand across his face, wiping off the tears, Cas said, “Anything you could do Dad I would be grateful for.” Cas’ voice was wobbling and he was trying to keep from losing it again. But he knew it was entirely possible, because Dean wasn’t here. It hurt every time he thought of it, which was every time he took a breath. John asked him what hotel Dean had gone to, and Cas said, he was pretty sure it was the Red Roof Inn, it was the hotel that was closest to the house. Cas assumed that was to make it easier shuffling Frankie back and forth if that was indeed what he was doing. Cas wasn’t sure he wanted to examine it too closely, because he really didn’t want to know how long Dean was planning on being away from him. Cas sniffled and John moved to head off, texting Dean on the way. Cas sniffled more, as tears slipped off his chin. 

That was when Sam poked his head in the room. “Cas? Are you…. Can you talk to Frankie? She’s scared and she said she needs you.” Sam said, wondering what Cas was going to say. He could tell that Cas was a total hot mess right now. Not that Sam blamed him. He and Dean loved each other so much, it had to be torture to be away from Dean right now. Sam looked down at his phone, he’d texted his brother to ask him what he’d been thinking, leaving like that, and hadn’t got an answer back. Sam was sure that it was because he was feeling guilty for what he’d done, and honestly, Sam wasn’t sure he shouldn’t be, at least a little. 

Cas looked up, and Sam could see the pain in his eyes. Sam wished he could take it all away, he really did. Sam stepped into the room cautiously, not exactly sure what Cas would want. Him inside or not. Sam brushed his hand through his long hair. He kept Cas’ gaze, and he wished that there was something that he could say that would make this better. He wasn’t sure that there was. Because no matter what he said, ultimately, Dean was still off at a hotel instead of here with his family. Sam didn’t know how he could have done this, Sam knew it wasn’t because he didn’t love Cas anymore. Sam knew that would never happen. He was still so cautious, and finally, he asked, “If you can’t I understand. It’s…. This is insane.” 

It was more than insane, it was impossible. Cas brushed his hand over his stubble and then looked at Sam tiredly. “I will talk to her, she deserves to know what is going on, at least, what I can tell her, from her father.” Cas didn’t know if he couldn’t be angry at Dean for leaving and not even saying goodbye to Frankie. Dean may have been upset but it was her birthday and he’d left. Cas met Sam’s eye and then Frankie came in, running across the room and crawling up into his lap, crying. Cas put his arms around her, pissed as hell at Dean for doing this to her. Cas brushed his hand across her face, wiping tears away. “I promise, Frankie, Daddy and I will work this out, okay? We just had a fight.” They hadn’t, really, but as smart as Frankie was, she was still four. She didn’t need to understand what adult reasons had gone into this. 

“But Papa, it’s my birthday, and Daddy ran off. Is he mad at me? Is he mad because you guys got me Diana?” The puppy hadn’t left Frankie’s side since Dean had walked out, and she was sitting in the corner now watching Frankie. Cas wished that he could do something to help her. Help her feel better. “Do you want to sleep with Papa tonight? Diana can too if you want.” Cas knew that he couldn’t refuse her if she did, if she was too afraid or upset to sleep by herself he wanted to make sure that she knew that she could. It was too hard to think of her afraid and alone in her room when she could easily sleep with Cas. He could tell by the look in her face that she was going to say yes. She gave him a small nod. 

Cas pulled her closer and hugged her, letting her cry into his shoulder. They stayed that way for awhile, and then everyone started cleaning up, and then it was everyone leaving, and then it was just Claire, Frankie, Cas, and Diana all alone. Claire had opted to stay in the room also with her father and sister, and so all of them were buried in Cas and Dean’s king size bed, watching a stupid movie on television while they ate cookies and leftover pizza. Cas wondered what this was going to do, how long this was going to go on. He looked at his phone, wishing that Dean would text him back, letting him know if he was going to come home or not. Cas desperately wanted him to come home. 

Meanwhile, Dean was wearing Cas’ Columbia summer pjs, shorts and a tee shirt, and he was standing at the doorway to his hotel room, looking at John with tears streaming out of his eyes. Dean knew why John was here. He’d ordered Mexican and it was in the room with him. Honestly Dean was only eating because he knew that if he was home with Cas, he’d be making sure that he was eating. Dean finally stepped aside so that John could come in, and Dean closed the door behind him. He waited until John was sitting on the bed opposite to the one that Dean had claimed, the sheets were already a bit tangled and there was a pie sitting in a pie plate in the middle of the bed. He sat down and reached for some tacos, offering his father the bag. John turned it down. 

Taking a bite of a soft taco, Dean chewed before he started speaking. He’d been taught good manners. Dean brushed his hand across his stubbly cheek and looked at his father. “Dad, I know why you’re here. You’re going to tell me to go home to my husband. You have no idea how much I want to do that.” He said, and it was true. Dean ached to go back home, back to Cas. Dean knew this was the right thing though. He wasn’t going to be the one to make Cas feel like he had when that bitch had attacked him. Dean couldn’t live with himself if he was the one to make Cas feel that way, make him so sick that he had to stay in bed all day. Dean moved his glance away from his father as he spoke again. “I can’t listen to a lecture right now, Dad. I am NOT going to be the reason that Cas gets sick. That he has to be in bed all day, because he’s feeling like he did when that…. That woman attacked him.” 

He could never live with himself if that happened. Not when he could stop it. “It’s not forever, okay? It’s only until I am feeling better about Bobby, so that Cas doesn’t feel so helpless around me.” He knew that his father was still going to lecture him, temporary or not.

“All of that is very admirable, Dean. Believe it or not, as disappointed as I am in you that you left, I get why. You think this is going to protect Castiel. But did you ever think how much your being gone is going to hurt him? I saw him, Dean, not only did he pass out, but he can barely breathe it hurts so much that you left.” John watched as Dean’s eyes brushed with fresh tears. John didn’t know how Dean was living with this decision. He didn’t know because he knew that this was hurting Dean was much as it was Cas. And Dean didn’t have his medication, so he couldn’t lean on it if he needed it. And honestly, John didn’t think there was any harm in that. Dean had been through so much in his life, and he needed something to help him get through it. There was no shame in that. A real man asked for help when he needed it. 

He didn’t want to toss this in Dean’s face. But he knew that he had to. “And Frankie, it’s her birthday, and you just left. Do you know how much she’s hurting right now?” He hated to remind Dean that he’d hurt Frankie. He knew how hard Dean was already taking everything else. Unfortunately true to form, Dean’s face took on a pained expression as it hit him that he had hurt his daughter. “Claire hasn’t even said anything she’s so upset. We didn’t tell them the reason that you were gone. I didn’t think it was prudent. Frankie doesn’t know either, just thinks that you and Castiel had a fight.” John didn’t know how he was going to wrap his mind around this, because it was completely impossible. 

That’s when he looked at Dean. “Dean, why didn’t tell me that you’re so bad off? I know that you must think you’re trying to save my feelings, but you’re not. If you’re that upset, I want to know so that I can help.” It was true, it was all he wanted. 

The fact that he hurt Frankie was so hard for Dean to hear. He would have died before he’d hurt that little girl. “Oh Dad, I can’t believe I did that.” Dean said, as he reached for some tissues to wipe his eyes. Dean picked up a fork and dug into the pie, it was blackberry. Dean would eat just about any pie known to man. They were all good. Dean brushed his hand across his chin, his whole entire body aching with pain. “When is this never ending torment going to be over? I just, I feel pain every second of every day. I can’t even muster up the energy to eat. I just… there’s so much pain that I can’t think of anything else. Bobby was taken from us. He didn’t just die. He was murdered.” 

This still felt like foreign words to say when in connection with Bobby. Dean didn’t know how to do this, he didn’t know how to be without him. Dean took a healthy bite of the pie. “Dad, it’s not fair, none of it. What did I ever do to God? I had my mom taken from me, I had a bad heart and nearly died so many times I almost didn’t make it to 35, almost 36.” Dean knew now that he was going to be 36, and it was a feeling that he’d never thought in a million years he’d get to have. And all of this pain was taking away from that joy. He couldn’t even feel the joy that he got to be alive because Bobby didn’t. It was too hard to think about, too hard to be happy about. He sniffled a bit before he spoke again. “Dad, I can’t even be happy that I finally get to live because Bobby doesn’t. And someone decided that we didn’t deserve to have him anymore.” 

He left off the unspoken part that he knew that this was because of Balthazar. Dean didn’t know how they were going to prove it just yet, but that was completely what he believed. Dean kept his eyes on John then, not sure what else he could say. It was just so much pain that Dean couldn’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dean’s throat was full of a lump and he swallowed hard before he said, “Dad, is…. Is Cas really that hurt that I left?” He asked, knowing that he’d upset Cas that much was making him doubt his decision to leave. Maybe he should have stayed. 

John had to admit, he was glad when Dean asked what he did about Cas being hurt. That was a good sign, that Dean was finally realizing that he had done the wrong thing. When Dean asked him whatever he’d done to God, John had to admit that he had the wind knocked out of him with that question. Dean had never once complained about anything that he’d been dealt. He was more of complain about the food that was on the table or what lack of pie there was or something. Dean wasn’t one to complain and say why me about things. It hurt John quite a bit to hear that. He couldn’t blame Dean though, because honestly, Dean had had a very hard lot in life. It wasn’t really fair. They all had, their family had had hit after hit. 

“It sucks right now. I know that. Dean, I promise you, that you did nothing to warrant any of this. Okay? And God isn’t torturing you. Stuff just happens sometimes that you can’t control. It’s the law of the universe, son. And yeah, it sucks what happened to Bobby. But I promise you, we’ll get that bastard, especially if it was Balthazar.” John honestly was really starting to believe the theory, and that worried him. Mostly because as a cop you couldn’t let yourself get that focused on someone, especially when it was just a feeling and you had nothing to back it up. “The pain will get better. I know it will never fully go away, but you will eventually feel like you can get on with your life.” 

Then it came to the question about Cas. John looked at Dean, directly in the eyes, he wanted Dean to know how serious he was. “Dean, I promise you, he really is that hurt. He wants you home with your family. With him. He loves you, Dean. I can’t promise he’s not pissed about what happened, but I know that he hurts so much he can’t breathe.” He didn’t know what he was going to say to convince Dean that he’d done the wrong thing if the words he’d said so far weren’t enough. Dean needed to know what his leaving had done to his husband. “Please, Dean, just go back home. I promise you, that’s all your family wants. You back home.” 

The words that John said were the right ones. Because Dean was aching so much that he’d hurt them all like that. Dean knew that he had to go home. “Oh Dad, it’s just so fucking hard!” He yelled, and there was a knock on the wall from the adjoining wall. Dean just banged back, not even caring if whoever was in there was pissed. Dean wiped his eyes, only to have fresh tears fall. He knew that it was going to be hard without Bobby. But Dean knew then that as much as it hurt, he had to find some way past it, because now he was in a hotel room with his father instead of home with his husband and children. Dean was quiet a moment, as he remembered what it had been like the last time he’d been like this. 

It had been the baby. Dean had been so excited about that baby. It had been a total accident, but Dean hadn’t been able to hold back his joy at the possibility of a baby. Dean had been 20 years old, and he’d been totally in love with the girl he’d been with. Dean remembered her name, the way she looked, everything about her. The baby hadn’t even been showing the gender yet, it had been miscarried when Annalisa had been in her eighth week. She’d only been two months pregnant. Dean hadn’t brought it up when listing what had happened to him, because he’d actually never spoken of it to anyone. Dean had taken his year to get back to being among the living and then had never spoken of it again. 

He lifted his eyes to John’s. “Dad, what would I do without you?” He wiped his cheeks and moved to start putting things back into his duffel. “You know, I was thinking about the baby.” He said, and that made his father freeze. 

Dean had never brought up the baby before. Especially around John. It had been a sore subject at the time, even if Dean had been over the moon about it. He cleared his throat, trying to gather his thoughts on what Dean had said. It had been hard to lose that baby, even if it had been a sore subject. John had seen how much Dean had been ready for that baby. He’d asked Annalisa to marry him, and she had said no. John honestly wasn’t sure that she had wanted the baby in the first place. He’d been sure that Dean would end up with the baby and raising it alone. He had been worried about that possibility, he wasn’t going to deny it. He honestly thought that Dean had been the one to worry about that too. He’d seen how indifferent his girlfriend had seemed about the baby. 

He cleared his throat again, and finally spoke. His tone was weak, weaker than he normally would have let himself sound around his sons. John preferred to try and not let them see how weak he could be, especially when he was aching with pain for something that had happened to him. He said, “Dean, I am so sorry that you have to carry that pain around with you.” John didn’t know how it felt from personal experience, but he knew that it was one of the hardest things you could go through in your life. John knew not to go and touch Dean, he’d lose it completely and he was trying to keep it in check. He didn’t want to make things harder on Dean than he had to. Especially since he was going back home to his family. 

That year that Dean had been wallowing had been hard for all of them. But John had known that he was never going to get over the loss of that grandbaby. He had always known that Dean would be an amazing father, and truthfully, it was because of Bobby. He knew that and as much as he hated it, he couldn’t be angry, because he’d been the one who had needed Bobby to help him with his boys. There was no way John would have been able to raise them himself. Not without them being latchkey and daycare kids. John would always be grateful to Bobby for being there for his sons. 

“And Dean, I promise, Cas is that upset.” 

It was the nail in the coffin, and Dean had to hold back the pain and tears that wanted to come roaring up and make themselves known. Dean brushed his hand over his chin again, and he noted that he was really the one who had fucked up royally. He had walked away from Cas when Cas needed him the most, and Dean wished that he could take that back. It was at least the one big mistake he’d made that could be reversed. He stood then, all of his things in the duffle. He tossed away the food trash, and gathered up the remains of the pie. There was no way he was leaving without that. Dean would never willingly leave pie. He lifted his green eyes to his father’s brown ones, with the flecks of green, and he wondered if he should tell him that Bobby and Ellen had slept together. It truthfully wouldn’t necessarily change anything, and John might get mad enough to break up with Ellen, and Dean honestly didn’t want that. He didn’t want to keep it from him any longer if he didn’t have to though. Although on the other hand, why sully John’s memory of Bobby if he didn’t have to. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he ruined his dad’s memory of Bobby. 

Meeting his father’s eye head on, and he wondered again how he would get along without John. Dean cleared his own throat before he spoke. “Dad, I know that you are. It’s something that I hope you never have to know the pain of, and I hope you haven’t already.” Dean wasn’t one to think that his father had been a monk until he’d gotten together with Mary. Dean didn’t know that he’d have respected him more if he had. He thought that John was a man who was a good one, even if he had had some sex that was one night stands. He wished that there was something he could do to go back and change things though. Butterfly Effect be damned. That had been a good movie, if horribly sad. Dean could see the point of angst though, no one was going to get through life without it. 

There was a look, and Dean knew that John was getting the point that Dean was saying thank you for everything he had ever done for him. Dean knew there was nothing he could do to ever pay him back. John had been the best father that he’d known to be. Dean wasn’t going to be someone who was going to judge him for things that he couldn’t control. Dean knew that there was some things Sam was holding against him. 

It was something that John had been glad had never happened to him. He knew that it was something that had the potential to happen to anyone. It’s something that John knew that Dean had realized too, and that it hadn’t been his fault. Dean was one to take a lot of things to be his fault, and most of the time, it wasn’t. John finally clamped his hand on Dean’s shoulder, he needed to comfort him, it was going to help him feel better too. John looked at Dean, and he wished that he could fix everything with magic. Dean was taking things so hard. John cleared his throat, there was unshed tears there. John said, “I know how hard all of this has been. This was the right decision, deciding to go back to your family.” It was a world full of greys, nothing was black and white. 

When Dean got back to the house, it was about nine o’clock. He wasn't sure if he should call out or not, so he just went upstairs. He found his family in his bed, they were all asleep. Dean put his bag down by the closet and moved over to the bed, glad that Cas was on one of the sides and not in the middle. It would be hard to talk to him without waking up one of the girls. He brushed his fingers through Cas’ hair, and he whispered, “Cas? Cas, it’s me.” Dean was rewarded with Cas’ eyes opening and taking on a shocked look. His mouth actually made an O. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry that I left. I was just trying to protect you.” It was true, but it still hurt that he’d hurt Cas like that. 

Cas wasn’t sure what to say to Dean when he saw him. He grabbed some empty paper plates as he moved out of the bed. He wanted to talk about this when the kids weren’t in the room. He jerked his head, indicating that Dean should follow him, and headed downstairs to the kitchen to throw the trash away. When he reached the kitchen, he put the trash in the trashcan and then turned around to look at Dean. “So, love, you were just going to go off and leave me?” Cas asked, as he turned to face him. He hadn’t planned on being angry when Dean came back, but honestly, he was a bit. Cas folded his arms, and Dean looked back at him, letting out a breath. He was sorry that it had to be this way. He didn’t want to just let Dean off the hook when he was mad about what had happened. 

“Dean, do you know how much that hurt me?” Cas asked, his heart pounding in his chest. He was so nervous to do this, he and Dean had never really fought before. He didn’t really know how this was going to go but it wasn’t going to stop him from being himself. He folded his arms tightly as he looked at Dean. “And Frankie, and Claire. You left them without even saying goodbye.” Cas didn’t know why he had even had to deal with this, he had never imagined in the whole entire world that Dean would leave, ever. Dean was Cas’ husband, and Cas had never thought that he’d have to lose Dean, even if it had been temporary. His eyes were filling with angry tears. He truly was angry, too. “I ought to slap you!” He said, his voice sharp, and he wished that he could yell without waking the girls. 

“I’m so sorry, Cas, honestly. You know that I never would have hurt you on purpose. I just was trying to protect you. I wish that I had been able to. I really really do. I’m back, and I promise, I won’t leave again. You have no reason to trust me, other than I’ve never lied to you. There’s stuff you don’t know, but it’s more of me not being ready to talk about it, not because I want to exclude you or I don’t trust you.” Dean knew that that had been a concern. Dean also knew that Cas was going to forgive him, he just had to go through his paces first. It was their first real fight, they didn’t really fight that often. Dean thought that was a little weird, because everyone fought, but not them. Dean took a deep breath before he continued speaking. 

He wasn’t sure what Cas was feeling and he didn’t know what to do about that. Dean almost always knew what he was thinking. Dean stepped closer, and Cas allowed him to put his arms around his waist. That was a good sign. “I know that we’ve never really fought before. I don’t know what the protocol is here. We’ve never really had to make up. Well I promise you, Cas, I’m going to get better. I’m going to really work and try and stop feeling like this all the time.” Dean told him, as firmly as he could. He wanted Cas to know how serious he was. Dean had never been more serious in his life. “I love you, Cas, I really do, and you know that. I wasn’t even surviving without you, it’s good that Dad came to talk to me, actually.” 

“I know you told him it was okay, and I’m not mad about that. I needed to hear all of that.” 

He let him wrap his arms around Cas’ waist, and he knew that it was the right thing to do, it was the thing that made his heart start beating again. Cas had known that it had been barely hanging on when Dean wasn’t here, and Cas hadn’t known for sure that he was coming back. Cas hated that he was melting already. He had been really steamed. He brushed his hand across Dean’s neck, his arms slid around Dean’s neck. “I love you so much, Dean. I really do. It hurt me so much that you were gone.” Cas hadn’t felt that much pain in a long time. If there was a silver lining, it was that this had taught him what being without Dean was like and he knew that he couldn’t do it. He knew that he wasn’t strong enough. Cas was going to do what he could to keep Dean. He was never going to do something that might cost him his husband. Cas knew that this was the love of his life now more than ever. 

“You aren’t completely out of the woods. You have to make this up to Frankie. Your daughter was terrified that you were gone. I know she only fell asleep because he was exhausted, and Claire had to take a sleeping pill.” Cas knew Dean would hate that, he didn’t want their kids to be taking medications. He didn’t know what he was going to do though, sometimes you just had to be prepared. Cas looked into those green eyes, and he knew that Dean was going to do whatever he had to, and that was making Cas very glad that he had found Dean. Even if Dean had just given him the worst pain of his life. He knew that Dean hadn’t done it to hurt him deliberately. He had to admit, that was what was getting him to give in and forgive Dean. 

“I promise, baby, I will do whatever I can to make it up to her. Anything she wants, it was totally selfish of me.” Dean knew that Frankie would forgive him, that was just the kind of girl that she was. She loved her parents. He wished that he could take it back. He took a deep breath. He was going to have to tell Cas about the baby one of these days. It was something that Dean had made his peace with, even if he didn’t like having to talk about it. But he wanted to share all of his life with Cas, including the parts of his life he’d rather forget. This world wasn’t just black and white. There were so many shades of grey. 

_Did you lose what won’t return_  
Did you love but never learn?   
The fire’s out but it still burns  
And no one cares, there’s no one there 

_Did you find it hard to breathe?_  
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?  
In the darkness all alone   
And no one cares, there’s no one there 

_Well did you see the flares in the sky?_  
Were you blinded by the light?  
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?   
Did you, did you?  
Did you see the sparks fill with hope?   
You are not alone  
Cause someone’s out there, sending out flares 

_Did you break but never mend?_  
Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?  
Lose your heart but don’t know when  
And no one cares, there’s no one there 

 

_**Author’s note: So I don’t know where all the writing on this fic is coming from, and this happens to be one of the ones I started on gdocs, as opposed to writing it in a notebook. Easier to update when you just have to type the words. Not write it out first and THEN type it up. But it doesn’t really matter, this is where the muses’ focus is. I am not sure if I’ll get another update up soon, but it’s very possible, lots of Destiel feels EVERYWHERE.** _


	17. Nothing to Lose

Chapter Seventeen: Nothing to Lose 

_Three weeks later_

_What day is it? And in what month_  
This clock never seemed so alive  
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down  
I’ve been losing so much time 

_Cause it’s you and me_  
And all of the people and nothing to do nothing to lose  
And it’s you and me and all of the people   
And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you 

_All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right_  
I’m tripping on words, you got my head spinning and I don’t know   
Where to go from here 

_Cause it’s you and me and all of the people_  
With nothing to do, nothing to prove  
And it’s you and me all of the people   
And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you 

_Something about you now_  
I can’t figure out   
Everything he does is beautiful  
Everything he does is right 

It was now March. Dean was finally back within the living, even if he still had his bouts where he needed to be alone. He was getting things set up, it was Cas’ birthday now, it was that afternoon that the party was taking place. Dean was putting the last touches on the cake he’d made, it was a chocolate cake with rich chocolate frosting and strawberries on top. It was Cas’ favorite. They were house searching, and at the moment, Cas was out with Frankie and Claire, Claire had insisted on taking him out for lunch. Dean was glad she had, he could get the stuff set up without Frankie being underfoot. She could be a bit much when it came to preparing for parties. Since it was also St. Patrick’s Day, most of the decorations were green. Dean knew how much Cas liked green, and he suspected it was because of Dean’s eyes being green. 

He finished with the cake. They were doing pizza again, because it was easiest and there weren’t going to be a lot of people here. Mostly just the family and Charlie. They were incredibly impatient, they didn’t have another court date for awhile, the courts were backed up. Dean was scared that the custody suit wasn’t going to go in their favor, Dean being the biological father notwithstanding. He was going to start filling the cooler with ice when he heard John coming in. He wondered if there was news of Bobby’s killer. Dean doubted it, they hadn’t had a lead at all yet. Dean called back to his father that he was in the kitchen, and then John had joined him. “Hey, Dad.” He said, reaching to get them both out a beer. “The party isn’t for a half an hour, what’s up?” 

John looked at Dean, and he wasn’t sure what he was going to say about this. John was going to have to tell him that there was another dead body, and it had nothing to do with Balthazar. He knew that Dean wanted Balthazar to pay for what he’d done. John wasn’t going to say for sure that he didn’t kill Bobby, but he was sure if he did, it was gang related. This new murder was the same mo, driving by the person on the street and shooting him. This time there had been an eyewitness, who had seen the make and model of the car. It had been a 1977 Chevy truck, and those weren’t on the streets as often as other cars were. The shooter had been wearing a red bandanna, and there was a gang in Dallas that wore those. They were called the Hell’s Satans. John thought it was an incredibly dumb name for a gang, but it didn’t matter, the fact of the matter was, that Balthazar wasn’t the one who killed Bobby most likely. 

“Dean, I hate to have to tell you this, kid.” John started, and Dean’s gaze jerked to him. John didn’t know how to start, and he almost never had problems telling Dean things. He had problems telling Sam things, but not Dean. He took a deep breath and then said, “There’s been another murder, and it’s tied into what happened to Bobby. It looks like he was killed by a gang. There was an eyewitness to this one, and we finally got something to go on.” John hated the look on Dean’s face. He knew that his son needed this to be done. He needed this to have an ending that he could handle. “The gang’s Hell’s Satans, they’ve been gaining a foothold here in the past couple of years or so.” John said, hating the disappointed look that took over Dean’s face. None of this was easy for him to say. There was less of a chance they were going to find Bobby’s killer, lead or not.

That wasn’t what Dean wanted to hear. He knew how much John had wanted it to be Balthazar too. Dean wanted that guy to pay for what he’d tried to do to Jo. Dean tried to focus on filling the cooler with ice. There was sounds from the hall, and he could hear Cas and their daughters coming in. He knew they had to pause this conversation, because Dean couldn’t get into this today, not in front of Cas. It was his husband’s birthday and he deserved to have a good day. Dean did his best to arrange his features in a happy expression as Cas came in, looking flushed and happy. “Baby, hey.” Dean said, smiling at him as Cas came up to kiss him. Dean kissed back and when they broke, he said, “Did you have a good time at lunch, baby?” He didn’t want Cas to be able to tell that a serious talk had been going on, and he really hoped that Cas would just be fooled by Dean’s smile. 

Dean was sure that Cas was going to see through it and force them to talk about it for a moment, but then he finally smiled and told Dean it had been a lot of fun, and held up a bag from Old Navy. Dean sighed, he knew what that meant. Dean said, “Babe, it’s your birthday, not mine. You know you don’t have to buy me clothes.” Even though their money troubles were long over, and they could afford better places than Old Navy, it was a hard habit of Cas’ to break. Dean watched him pull out some jeans and a soft red flannel shirt. He couldn’t help himself, he actually let out a happy squeal. “Cas, these are gorgeous!” He said, and ignored his father laughing. “Gorgeous, really.” He knew the jeans were going to make his ass look great. They were skinnies, and he normally didn’t wear those, but he knew he wouldn’t regret wearing them. 

The reaction from his husband was the best present Cas could ask for. “Go change, those jeans could walk on their own they’re so dirty.” Cas told him, and although Dean groaned, he went off to comply. Cas looked at John, and he knew that he’d interrupted a serious discussion with his husband and father in law. Cas could hear Frankie and Claire in the living room, and he knew they were putting presents on the present table. Cas looked at John, who was to his credit, trying to keep the smile on his face. “Just tell me, Dad. What’s going on? I know I interrupted something important.” He said, going to get them both a beer out of the fridge, and once he’d handed one to his father in law he started filling the cooler with them, as he waited for John to answer. “You know that you can tell me. I know that we’re having my birthday party, but I would rather you tell me than keep this a secret.” 

When he heard John tell him that Balthazar wasn’t the one who had killed Bobby, Cas knew that Dean was going to be devastated. He didn’t know that he blamed him, but he also knew that they couldn’t ignore the facts. The evidence. Cas took a deep breath and reached for some soda to put in the cooler. “I don’t… okay. We have to just deal. We don’t talk about this right now, because we’ve done all that we can do for now.” Cas didn’t want them to worry when they couldn’t do anything more. Cas looked up when Dean came back in, wearing the new outfit he’d bought him. Cas grinned at him, he was better at hiding his feelings than Dean was. “Oh baby, you look great.” He said. 

About twenty minutes later, the party was in full swing. Charlie had brought a friend with her, Jodie Mills. Of course she’d run it by them first, but she was glad they’d said yes. Jodie definitely wasn’t her girlfriend, she was straight and at least 15 years older than she was. Charlie was getting out a beer when she met Dean’s eye. “What’s up, Dean?” She asked, as he walked over to her. Charlie didn’t know what was up, but she could tell something was. Dean wasn’t too good at hiding when he was upset about something. She knew Cas was too, but that was because she’d been getting to know him and he had tells too. Charlie cracked open her beer, and took a sip, watching his face. She didn’t know what it was, but she was suspecting that it had something to do with Bobby. Most of his issues lately had to do with Bobby, even though Charlie totally understood that. 

Looking at her, Dean sighed. He told her about what John had said, and he knew that she’d been expecting him to say it was something to do with Bobby. Dean brushed his hand through his hair. “I don’t… I’m glad that we finally have a lead, but that doesn’t… I’m kind of upset it wasn’t Balthazar. He’s not going to pay for anything. He tried to sexually assault Jo, and he’s going to get away with it. He’s pissed that Sam got off without being charged… and I know something is still coming, I just don’t know what, since apparently it wasn’t him who killed Bobby.” Dean knew that they weren’t supposed to be talking about it, because Cas was right, they couldn’t do anything about it, so why dwell on it? Dean just didn’t think he could keep up with that rule, and Charlie knew him pretty well. There wasn’t hiding much from her that he could do. 

“I just, I know that he’s a bad guy, and I want him to pay for that.” 

Charlie knew that he had a right to be upset. She also knew Cas’ policy on things, so she knew that he didn’t want them to talk about it when they couldn’t do anything about it. Charlie looked into those green eyes, and she said, “Dean, I know that me saying that you shouldn’t worry about it isn’t going to help. You worry, that’s what you do. But I really think that you should do as I know your husband wants you to do, just do your best not to think about it tonight. Because you can’t do anything more. I know Cas told you that already.” Charlie didn’t know what she was going to say if Dean didn’t listen, but she knew that he would, because he didn’t want to upset Cas. Dean’s whole life was orchestrated not to hurt Cas. 

Before Dean could reply, there was a happy yell, Frankie was playing with Claire on the Wii, they didn’t have a Switch yet. Charlie wasn’t a bit surprised, Dean was so old school and Cas was just a bit behind the times. He was still more with it than Dean was. Charlie saw that they were playing bowling, it was Frankie’s favorite. Charlie called out to Claire. “Hey, Novak, I got winner!” She was glad they’d turned on the Wii. Cas also had an Xbox One, and a PS3. Those were mostly to get Dean playing. He preferred the original PS and the original Xbox to anything that Nintendo came out with. 

“Yeah, good luck, Bradbury, Frankie’s way too good at this game.” Claire called back, and then cried out a bit annoyed when Frankie got her fourth strike in a row. They were playing the 100 pin bowling, because the regular bowling wasn’t enough for her. Claire had to admit, her baby sister had some sweet moves when it came to video games. She reached to take a bite of her pizza, it had just arrived a few minutes ago. She met her father’s eye, Cas was talking to Jodie and John, who seemed to have really struck up a friendship already. Claire was glad though, she thought Jodie was pretty cool and they could really use a new girl in their family. Claire had to admit to herself, she had a huge crush on Charlie, even if she knew that was pointless. Charlie was as old as her parents. Claire had a thing for gingers though, their hair was just gorgeous. Claire had some new friends from school that she was supposed to be hanging out with tomorrow, and she knew that if she was normal she’d have a crush on her friend Julie, who was actually super hot. 

Claire heard laughter from the other end of the room, and she saw her aunt Jo, who was getting more pregnant, and she wondered what they were having. Jo was talking with Sam and Dean, Charlie was hanging out by herself now watching everyone else have fun. Claire watched her for a moment, wondering what was up with her. Claire was hyper aware of when Charlie wasn’t happy. She knew that was weird. Claire groaned as Frankie won the game, and then Charlie was walking over. Claire sat down to watch as Charlie started a new bowling game for her and Frankie. Claire was surprised when Dean sat down next to her on the couch, and gave her a look. 

“Dad, what?” She asked, looking at him with the best innocent look she could master. 

Dean gave her a knowing look. “Claire, please. You need to get over this crush on Charlie.” He knew that she wasn’t going to like to hear that, that he’d figured it out, but Claire was just as bad as he was at hiding his true feelings. “I know that you know that it’s not going to happen. What about that Julie girl you’ve been hanging out with? I know that you at least think she’s hot, I saw you checking out her ass the last time she was here.” Dean knew that there was always the possibility that Julie wasn’t into girls, but he also thought she might be into Claire. She’d seemed to be flirty with her sometimes. Dean wasn’t surprised though, Claire was a great girl. She thought she wasn’t, but he knew that that made her a good person in itself. He knew that because he hadn’t always thought the best of himself as it was. 

When she rolled her eyes and shook her head, Dean said, “Come on, kiddo, I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone that’s unavailable. But honestly, you can have anyone that you want. You’re gorgeous, and smart, and funny. You love to read, and you read just about anything you can get your hands on. You are definitely like your dad. I can’t believe no one ever pointed it out before. I know that you don’t think that you’re worth anything, because I am definitely one of those people that feels the same about himself. But you are amazing. You are going to make some girl very happy. It’s just not going to be Charlie. You know that, I know you know that because you look guilty every time you look at her.” 

It wasn’t surprising to her that Dean had noticed her watching Charlie. Claire sighed and said, “Dad, I know that. Believe me, do I know it. I don’t know that I agree with you on the I’m great front, but I know that nothing can happen with me and Charlie. Just…. Don’t tell anyone that I have a crush on her. I already feel stupid enough.” She said, and she was relieved when Dean gave her a look that told her he wasn’t going to say anything. She reached for some more pizza, and so did her dad. Claire wondered how she could have gotten so lucky, she knew that she had the best parents that anyone could ever ask for. She looked at Dean as she took a bite of her pizza. 

“Are you worried about the custody hearing?” She asked, it was usually a verboten topic, but she had to know. Claire was nervous about it herself. She didn’t know that she wasn’t herself, she knew that she couldn’t lose Frankie out of her life. She had a suspicion that Lucy would do her best to keep Frankie out of their lives if they lost. She couldn’t handle them losing, because she knew how much that was going to kill her parents. And how much it was going to hurt Frankie. 

She had to ask about that. Dean sighed. “I definitely am. But I’m trying to go against what i usually do and be confident. I know that we’re going to win. Lucy has no leg to stand on. I still don’t know why she’s doing this, because she knows it’s not what her sister wanted.” Dean sighed again and reached for another slice of pizza. He didn’t know what he was going to do if they lost Frankie. He knew that Lucy didn’t have a case, but it was still making him worry, especially since their caseworker was homophobic. Dean honestly didn’t care what anyone thought of him, because he loved Cas and he knew that Cas loved him. Dean hadn’t ever thought that this would be his life, but he wasn’t going to give it up for anything. 

It was after that that it was time to open presents, and Dean was so glad that Cas liked what he got him, he’d gotten him an external hard drive for his laptop. Dean had had a hard time picking one out, even with having someone at the store help him. It’s not like he was that knowledgable about computers. Dean watched him open, and he seemed to be happy about everything that he’d gotten. Dean insisted on doing cake and ice cream, even if people were still grazing on the pizza. Dean put the candles on the pizza, despite what he knew Cas wanted, Dean had insisted earlier that at a birthday, you blew out candles. After Cas had blown them out, Dean moved to start cutting cake and Claire got out the ice cream scoop. 

Later, after everyone had gone home, Cas and Dean were cuddled on the couch, watching television. Claire was putting Frankie to bed. Cas was leaned against Dean, his head on Dean’s chest. He knew that Dean wanted to talk about things, but Cas still couldn’t bring himself to bring up the murder. He knew that they couldn’t ignore it forever, but Cas needed some time to just be with Dean before life intruded again. Cas stroked Dean’s arm, which was wrapped around him. “Dean, I know how hard this was for you today, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.” He didn’t think that he needed to say anything more, that covered exactly how he felt. He leaned up to look at Dean then, whose eyes were filling with tears.

“Oh baby, please don’t cry.” He said, and he meant it. He reached up and brushed some tears off his husband’s cheek. “I know how messed up things are right now. I know that. I don’t want to make you even more upset than you are. Just breathe, and I know that it’s going to be okay. We just have to wait. I know that you’re not so good at waiting. But I know that you’re going to drive yourself nuts if you don’t relax.” 

Sniffling, Dean managed to stop crying. “You’re right, it was hard. But I did it, and I did it for you. I wanted your birthday to be amazing. Not everyone is born on St. Patty’s day and I know that you deserve to have the best of everything.” Dean didn’t know how Cas could be so positive, but he knew that he didn’t want to take that away from his husband. Someone needed to be positive, and it certainly wasn’t going to be Dean. He wasn’t usually that kind of guy. Dean tried but it just didn’t work for him. Dean toyed with the end of Cas’ tee shirt as Cas moved to lay his head back on Dean’s chest. “I love you, Cas. It’s just that simple. I know that you forgave me for leaving, and don’t get me wrong I’m glad, I just need to make it up to you. I told you that I’d never leave you, and I did.” 

Before Cas could protest, Dean kept talking. “I know that you say I don’t have to prove things to you. I know that. But I still feel so guilty. I know that I was just trying to avoid you getting hurt, but it still was the wrong thing to do. I love you, and I hurt you like that.” Dean knew that Cas didn’t know that he knew, but he knew that Cas had fainted and the squad had been called. Dean felt even more guilty about that, but he also knew that Cas didn’t want him to know, so he hadn’t said anything about him knowing. He’d pried it out of John a couple of days ago. Dean didn’t know if he was ever going to stop feeling guilty. He didn’t want to ever hurt Cas like that again, and he was going to do his best to make up for it, even if Cas didn’t think he needed to. 

“Dean, I know how sorry you are. I know how guilty you feel. But you did the right thing. You came home. I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me. You were doing what you thought was best. Even if it wasn’t what I needed. You have to stop beating yourself up for this. Villainizing yourself isn’t going to help either of us.” Cas knew that Dean didn’t know about the squad being called, and he would do his best to keep him from finding out. He didn’t know if Dean was going to be able to live with that knowledge. Cas changed the channel as Saved by the Bell came on. He didn’t want to deal with that. Cas sighed and said, “Dean, you are the best husband that I could ever ask for. I know that I will never love anyone like I love you, and no one is going to love me like you do.” 

It was honestly the only thing that he knew for certain in this life. The fact that Dean was in love with him. Cas loved him just as much back. He didn’t know what he’d do without him. Cas knew that he wasn’t going to ever have to know. Cas hadn’t felt that helpless feeling since Dean had been back home. Cas brushed his hand across Dean’s arm again and was delighted when Will and Grace came on. He said, “Dean, you have given me the best of yourself, every day since we met. I can’t believe how much time we wasted before we met, because I really think we’d have been together no matter what. But we can’t dwell on that now. All we can do is be together. And I know that we’re going to be together no matter what. This birthday was amazing, and it was because you did all of this for me and I am so grateful.” 

With that, Dean moved to kiss him, deeply, sucking on Cas’ tongue. He was going to fuck him right now. Dean pressed Cas against the couch, and straddled him. He ran his hands along Cas’ abs, and then ran them underneath his shirt, stroking Cas’ abs. He didn’t know if he could be more into his husband than he already was. Dean kissed him deeper, sucking on his tongue. Cas was responding, his arms were sliding around Dean’s neck. He pulled off Cas’ shirt, and moved to lick Cas’ nipples, rewarded with Cas shivering underneath him. He couldn’t get enough of him. Dean licked around the left nipple and let it get caught in his teeth gently, and then moved to lift Cas so he could get his sweatpants off. Once they were off, he moved and took Cas into his mouth, he loved sucking Cas off. His mouth moved over Cas’ cock, licking and sucking. 

Cas’ head fell back against the couch, and his hand went into Dean’s hair. He pulled on it lightly as Dean moved over his cock. He groaned, he knew he should be concerned that Claire might walk in on them, but with Dean’s tongue moving along his cock he couldn’t form coherent thoughts. He groaned again and didn’t know how he was going to manage not to come immediately. Dean didn’t care if he came in his mouth though, he knew that some people did, but Dean didn’t care. “Fuck, baby.” Cas gasped, as Dean took as much of Cas into his mouth as he could. His hand was cupping Cas’ balls at the same time, and it felt so good. Cas shivered and before he knew it, Dean’s mouth was no longer on him, and he was inside Dean, and Dean was riding him. Cas reached up and stroked Dean’s cock, trying to match Dean’s hip movements. 

“Fuck, fuck fuck.” Cas gasped out as Dean got a rhythm going. 

He rode him, his hands braced on Cas’ abs. Dean knew Cas was going to come soon, he always came more quickly if Dean sucked him first. Dean’s fingers moved in Cas’ happy trail, Cas shivering underneath him. Dean gasped as Cas’ hand moved along the shaft of his cock, and he didn’t know if he was going to keep from coming quickly either. He leaned down to kiss him as he moved, nibbling on his bottom lip. Dean gasped and came then, spurting all over himself and Cas. As soon as he came, then Cas did too. Dean didn’t even care if they were both sticky. Cas reached and grabbed his tee shirt, which was ratty and had holes in it anyway, and started to wipe them both clean. Dean moved off Cas then and pulled his pants and shirt back on. Dean really felt that that was some of the best sex that they’d had in awhile. 

Dean was glad that Cas couldn’t put his shirt back on, he could stare at his chest all day. He was glad the couch was leather too, much easier to wipe off. They wiped it off and settled back in, Dean wrapping his arm around Cas. Dean couldn’t believe how good that was. “Fuck, Cas.” He said, unable to keep the desire out of his voice. It was blowing his mind. Dean reached for the beer he had sitting on the table and took a sip. “Cas, wow.” Dean was usually speechless after they had sex, but the aftersex glow was taking over him. Dean didn’t know if he could give that up ever. Dean took another sip of his beer and stroked Cas’ arm. “I’m so glad that you can’t put your shirt back on.” He said, his tone a bit seductive. 

Burrowing deeper against Dean’s body, Cas sighed with contentment. “It was amazing.” He agreed, trying to catch his breath. He didn’t think that he’d ever had a birthday this good before. He slung his arm around Dean’s waist. He stroked the soft skin of Dean’s side, his fingers had slipped underneath Dean’s tee shirt. He couldn’t get enough of touching Dean’s bare skin. It was so soft. Cas’ fingers danced along Dean’s side. “I have never had a better birthday, Dean. I promise you.” He honestly hadn’t and he knew that he never would have a better birthday than this. Although with Dean in his life he knew that it was possible.

The next afternoon, Claire was letting herself and Julie into the house. Claire had gotten herself a new car, well, it wasn’t brand new but it was new to her. She was driving a Chevy Malibu from 2013. She let them in and Julie headed for the kitchen, she was Claire’s best friend at the moment and she was already treating Claire’s house like a second home. Claire kicked off her shoes and followed her. She put her bookbag on the kitchen chair closest to her and took the Coke that Julie handed her. She cracked it open, and she wondered what her friend was thinking. Julie was wearing the hottest skinny jeans that she had ever seen. Claire licked her lips. Maybe her dad was right, maybe she could get Julie if she tried. 

“So, who are you asking to the Sadie Hawkins dance next week?” Claire asked, and she found that she honestly wanted to know. Claire wondered what Julie would do if she asked her out. Claire really wanted to, she knew it was the best way to get over her crush on Charlie. Who she truthfully thought had a crush on Lucy. She wasn’t even going to get into how upset that made her, because she knew that she was just going to bum herself out. “Because I think Toby’s been eying you for awhile.” It was true, and now that she’d brought it up, she realized how much it bothered her. 

She didn’t know why Claire was asking, but Julie honestly hoped that it was because she wanted to ask Julie to the dance. Julie cracked open her own soda and took a drink. “I don’t think he is going to ask, and even if he does, he’s not got a chance.” Julie told her, not sure why Claire had brought up Toby. It was short for Tobias, and they had been friends since kindergarten. Most of their group had, and it had been hard for Claire to get in at first. They’d had trouble with new people before. Claire was great though, and Julie thought that they couldn’t do better for new blood. Julie leaned against the counter, her long chestnut hair brushing against her shoulders. Julie wondered if she should flirt with Claire right now. She certainly had been trying. She was fairly certain one of Claire’s dads could tell that she was into her. 

“Why do you ask? Who are you taking?” She asked, her tone curious, as she reached for some pretzels in the bowl on the counter. She opened the bag and took out a handful. “Because I don’t know who you’ve got an eye on, but I do know that someone likes you.” Julie watched as Claire’s eyebrows rose. “I haven’t really thought about who I’m going to ask, but I definitely know that if you ask anyone they’ll say yes. You are so hot.” Julie licked her lips as she stared at her friend, willing her to get that she was flirting with her. 

Claire reached for her own handful of pretzels. Julie was definitely flirting with her. She leaned out and kissed her, it was her first real kiss. Claire had of course kissed a guy before, but that was mostly to see if she liked it, and she hadn’t. Claire was pleased when Julie kissed back, opening her mouth to let Claire’s tongue inside. Claire tugged her closer, wrapping her arms around Julie’s waist. She really hoped that her dads wouldn’t come home now. Cas had gone out to get some writing done at the coffee shop around the corner, and Dean had taken Frankie over to her friend’s house, and he usually got into a long talk with her dad while he was there. Claire broke the kiss to breathe, looking into those gorgeous hazel eyes. She was taller than Julie, by a couple of inches. It was cute that Julie had to lean up a bit on her tiptoes. 

Before she could kiss her again, she heard the door open, and Claire jumped back a bit in surprise. She heard Cas’ voice calling out to her. “In the kitchen, Daddy. With Julie.” She called back, reaching for her Coke and taking a sip. She met Julie’s eye with her blue one, and they shared a smile. Claire knew that she could ask Julie to the dance and Julie would say yes. Claire was just surprised that their backwards high school was even having a Sadie Hawkins dance. It was so male driven. When Cas came into the kitchen, Claire gave him a smile. “Did you get a lot of writing done?” She asked as casually as she could. 

Cas could tell that something had happened, and he didn’t know what it was. Cas watched them, there was something changed between them. Cas wondered if that meant they were dating now. Cas set down his laptop bag on the counter and moved to get his own drink. “Your dad’s not home yet? He texted me to tell me he got to Frankie’s sleepover at least an hour ago.” He would be jealous if it wasn’t adorable that Dean was friends with Delilah’s dad, that was Frankie’s friend’s name. Cas brushed his hand through his hair as he tried to suss out the situation. He wondered if he would get the truth if he asked. Cas moved to check that Dean had put the hamburger in the fridge to defrost, as much as Cas didn’t want to, he was going to make Hamburger Helper for dinner. They had to do three boxes of it at a time, because Dean’s stomach was a bottomless pit. 

“I know he doesn’t want to miss Hamburger Helper night.” Cas said, and looked at Julie. “Do you want to stay, Julie? We’ll have plenty, I swear. Dean wants me to fix the mac and cheese one.” He had already gotten the boxes out earlier and they were on the counter. Cas watched Julie, she looked at Claire before she answered. Cas wasn’t surprised that Claire gave her a nod and then Julie said she could stay. He was going to make salad too, and Dean was going to eat it whether he liked it or not. Cas was determined to get some healthy food in him, he knew that the food Dean ate was never going to change, and he really wasn’t trying to change that, he just wanted Dean to get some healthy every once in awhile.

Before anyone could answer, there was noise and the door shut, and Dean was in the kitchen with them. Cas grinned and leaned to kiss him. “I was just asking your daughter where you were.” Cas said, once the kiss had broken. He didn’t know if Dean could look hotter but he definitely gorgeous today. Cas smiled at him and brushed some hair off of Dean’s head. “I’m so glad you’re home.” He said. 

Dean looked at Claire, whose cheeks were bright red. He could tell that something had happened with her and Julie, and he winked at her. She blushed and he went to get a beer out of the fridge. He was glad that Frankie got to spend time with Delilah, and he honestly had been glad to talk to her dad, Steven. Dean had made a friend, that was outside the family, and he was proud of himself. He brushed his lips against Cas’ again. “I wouldn’t miss Hamburger Helper night, and you know it.” Dean said, chuckling. He looked at Julie. “Great to see you, Jules, you staying for dinner?” He asked, and wasn’t surprised when Julie just nodded. He totally thought that she was scared of him, and he knew that even though he didn’t want her to be scared he thought it was hilarious. 

Dean reached for a handful of pretzels. “Did you get a lot of writing done?” He asked, and that was all he had to ask, Cas immediately launched into the day he’d had, and Dean was so glad that Cas sounded so happy. Dean didn’t know that he was as passionate about anything as Cas was about his writing. Cas was working on a book, and Dean really hoped that it was going to be the thing that catapulted Cas into a household name. Dean was so proud of him, and he knew how good a writer Cas was. He wanted to read what Cas had so far, but he also didn’t want to pressure him if he wasn’t ready to show him yet. Dean knew that it was going to be great. 

Claire and Julie left the room to go into the living room and work on homework, as Cas got out the pan to brown the meat. Cas wondered what Dean was thinking, he was being quiet. Cas reached out and tugged him close, and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. “I missed you so much today.” He said, his tone soft as he held him. Cas looked into those green eyes. He loved it, they were pretty much the same height, and neither of them had to stand on tiptoes to kiss the other one. Cas lifted Dean’s shirt so he could stroke the small of his back, Dean shivering at his touch. “Since we don’t have Frankie tonight, and I am sure that Claire will be hanging out with Julie, we should totally go out back and get in the hot tub.” Cas really was just glad that he had Dean in his arms. Whenever he had an armful of Dean it was just a good time.

Chuckling, Dean said, “If you want to, sure.” He wasn’t going to turn down hot tub time with his husband. “I can wear those Speedos you like.” He didn’t normally wear those, he was a trunks kind of guy, but he knew how much Cas liked it when he wore them. Dean honestly got why, he was super hot in them. Dean licked his lips and looked into those blue eyes. They were going to be his undoing one day. “You know that I can’t say no to this face.” His arms were wrapped around Cas’ neck. His fingers played in the hair at the nape of his neck, he knew that Cas liked that. Dean couldn’t believe how happy he was. He was almost ready to be back in the land of the living all of the time. Then he thought about the baby, and he wondered if that pain was ever going to completely go away. He knew that his face had fallen, and he knew also that Cas was going to notice.

When his husband’s face fell, Cas wondered what it was that had made him sad so fast. “Dean? Are you okay?” Cas asked, and he wondered if Dean was actually going to tell him. Not that it mattered if he did or not, because Cas didn’t want to pressure him into telling him something when he wasn’t ready. Dean had let him take his time telling Dean what had happened to him in high school. Cas hadn’t wanted to keep it from him forever, and he hoped that Dean would feel the same about whatever it was that he was holding inside. “You know you can tell me anything.” Cas knew that Dean knew that, but he had to say it once in awhile, to just reaffirm. It was always nice to hear that someone was there for you. 

“Cas….. I…. I had a baby….. When I was a kid, and it… my girlfriend had a miscarriage.” 

 

_**Author’s note: Yeah, sorry it’s been a month or so. I would like to point out that it hasn’t been six months and no update….. Someone apparently doesn’t know how to read and has the private messenger feature disabled. One, I think that’s super cowardly, and two, it’s wrong. I posted TWO updates within a few days the last time I updated. That usually doesn’t happen but it wasn’t six months without an update. Sorry for leaving it on a cliffhanger, I hate when that happens, LOL. But I couldn’t help it. I hope ya’ll liked and I finished this when I should have been sleeping….. But I figure there’s never a bad time for Destiel. XD.** _


	18. I'll Go Black and Blue

Chapter Eighteen: I’d Go Black and Blue

Cas didn’t know what to say when he heard Dean say that his girlfriend had had a miscarriage. Cas was a gold star gay, he’d never dated any girl before. He also didn’t even begin to know what the pain of that would feel like. He almost forgot about the Hamburger Helper. If it weren’t for Dean’s hands gesturing towards it he would have. He stirred the meat with the spatula and turned down the heat. Cas brushed his hand through his black hair. He didn’t know what to say. Mostly because he didn’t know the first thing about how Dean must have felt. Cas looked into those green eyes, which had filled with tears. Cas brushed his hand across Dean’s arm. “I’m so sorry, Dean. I don’t… I don’t even know what to say. I’ve… I’ve never been through something like that before.”

It was hard for him to find the right words. Cas didn’t know how Dean had made it through that. “I’m… what can I do? I’m… I’m glad that you told me. I wish I could do something for you. I know that you have to be feeling the worst you’ve ever felt.” Cas honestly was as flustered as he’d ever been, it was so hard to know what to do in situations like this. He loved Dean so much. He hated that Dean had gone through that, if he could wave a wand and take the pain away, he would. He leaned out and brushed some tears off Dean’s face. “I love you. I love you so much. You… I am glad that you told me. That you trusted me enough to let me into your pain.” Cas was amazed that they were still learning things about each other. Cas wanted to know everything about Dean. He wanted to know everything that Dean wanted to tell him. Cas watched Dean’s eyes brush with more tears. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything more about it if you don’t want to. I just… what made you bring it up?”

That was a hard question for Dean to answer. He didn’t know that he could tell Cas why, because other than being reminded of how hard it had been because of his pain over losing Bobby, he wasn’t sure that he knew why he had spoken up about it. Dean lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “I don’t know. I mean, other than feeling sad about losing Bobby.” Dean knew there were never going to be enough words to express how he felt about that. He brushed his hand through his brown hair and wondered what he was going to tell Cas what he could do to help him. “I don’t know what you can do. I just…. I didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore. Cas, I love you, and I want you to know everything.” He stepped closer, and burrowed his head in Cas’ neck. His husband’s arms slid around his waist. 

“I was… I never told my dad…. Or Sammy… but my girlfriend, Annalisa… she committed suicide after we lost the baby. And Dad never said so out loud, but I know that he didn’t think she even wanted to be a mom. He was always looking at her when she mentioned baby things with this look of disbelief.” Dean hadn’t believed for a second that she didn’t want the baby. Not when that had happened. She’d left town, and he’d heard about it from a friend. Dean hadn’t been able to take that, it had hurt just as much as losing the baby. “But Cas….. she loved that baby. She wanted to have it more than anything.” 

Cas stroked Dean’s back. “I believe you, baby. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.” Cas said, wishing that he could do more for his husband than just be there for him. There was nothing he could do to take that pain away. “I honestly don’t know what I can do to help you. Other than just listen when you need to talk. You know that I am always willing to do that. I love you so much. You know that I will never leave you.” He didn’t bring it up that Dean had done that, he didn’t want to upset him and he’d forgiven him. “I will do whatever you need me to do, baby.” 

It was such unimaginable pain to Cas. He couldn’t even guess what he would do in that situation. Cas was barely able to handle what he’d been dealt in his life. Cas pressed a kiss to Dean’s cheek. “I need to finish dinner, are you okay?” He asked, stroking Dean’s back more. When Dean nodded that he was okay, Cas kissed him softly and then pulled back to finish the Hamburger Helper. Cas didn’t know how Dean was even standing after all he’d been through. Cas knew that if it had been him, he would have wanted to kill himself. “Baby, I just…. I need to tell you. You are the most strong man I’ve ever met. I don’t know how you’re even still standing.” His eyes brushed with tears, he knew that that had been a reality. 

Dean leaned to kiss him, softly but passionately. “I promise, I’m never going to leave you again. Ever. We are going to grow old together and die together, asleep in our bed.” Dean old him, brushing his fingers through Cas’ black hair. He loved to touch him in any way he could. Dean moved to get some plates out to set the table. Dean couldn’t imagine his life without Cas. As much as losing the baby and Annalisa had hurt, Dean honestly believed that it had all been leading him to Cas. Dean hadn’t ever believed in fate before, but he believed that he and Cas were meant to be together. 

After dinner, Claire was sitting with Dean in the living room. Cas was putting Frankie to bed, she’d insisted that she wanted him to do it and read her Cinderella. Claire was wanting to tell Dean about asking Julie to the dance. She cleared her throat, he was looking for something to watch on the DVR. Claire waited until her father had turned to look at her. “Dad… I asked Julie to go to the dance with me… and she said yes.” She couldn’t believe that Julie had said yes, and that they’d kissed. She couldn't imagine what the other girl saw in her. Claire blushed deeply. “I kissed her, Dad. It was... it was so hot.” She knew she could talk to Dean about things like that and not Cas. He always seemed to get a little uncomfortable. 

Dean’s eyes rose to his hairline. “Really? Did you kiss her or did she kiss you? Or did it just happen?” Dean did feel like an overprotective father, but he also knew that at least she wasn’t going to get pregnant. Dean was of the mind that that was the thing to be glad about. Plus, he thought that Julie was a great girl. She’d always been so good to Claire, since she’d started going to school with her. And she’d always been very respectful to him and Cas. That went a long way with him, especially these days when people were so rude. If he’d done some of the stuff these kids were trying nowadays John would have kicked his ass. 

“I’m really proud of you for trying something new, Claire. I’m also proud of you for working to get over your crush on Charlie. Not that I blame you for having one, she’s an amazing girl.” Dean reached out and tousled her blonde hair. “You did the right thing, babygirl.” 

Claire felt a swell in her heart when Dean called her that. She didn’t know what would make her feel better. She loved that Dean used endearments with her. It made her feel even more like she was his daughter. “Thanks, Dad. I.. we kind of just kissed each other. I don’t… I can’t believe she agreed to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me. I’m… I really feel like this good be a real thing. Like, she could be my girlfriend. I’ve never even really kissed a girl before. It was… I’m definitely a lesbian.” She said, tucking some of her blonde hair behind her ear. Before she could say anything more, Cas came back down, wearing his Columbia shorts and tee shirt. 

“Daddy, I was just telling Dad that Julie agreed to go with me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.” She said, as Cas moved to sit with Dean, watching them cuddle up. Normally that would make a child grossed out, but Claire loved seeing her parents act like a married couple. She tucked her legs underneath her and reached for her soda. She took a sip. She knew not to tell Cas that she’d kissed Julie, he’d kind of freak out. He wouldn’t be cool with it like Dean was. 

Cas, who was cuddled into Dean’s side, his head laying on Dean’s shoulder, grinned. “That’s great, Claire! Oh my God, your first date! I can’t believe it! We have to go shopping. I want to get you the most gorgeous dress.” He couldn’t believe that their daughter had her first date. Cas was so happy for her. It was hard to be a LGBTQ individual at times, especially in Texas. But he was so glad that she seemed to be having new experiences. He wanted her to have good things, he knew that he wanted to be a supportive father. “Oh my God, it was today, wasn’t it?” He asked, his tone excited. He grinned even more when Claire gave him a shy nod. 

“I’m so proud of you for taking the chance! Oh, I want pictures, and I want to make sure you have the best time you ever had! It’s your first date with a girl! Oh this is going to be so great!” Cas was so glad that she’d told them about it. He was a bit nervous that it would go badly, but he was hoping that it would go amazingly well. He liked Julie, she was a nice and polite girl. She’d already started to think of their place as a second home, and Cas loved that. He love having a family. He was even thinking about asking Dean if he wanted to have more kids. Not right then, of course, but he wanted to know what he thought of the idea.

Dean chuckled. “Baby, calm down. It’s not for a week or so. You have plenty of time to go shopping. I hate to tell you though I don’t see our babygirl in a fancy dress.” He said, looking at Claire for confirmation, who nodded. She was more of a pants or slacks girl. She wasn’t butch by any means, but she wasn’t a wearing skirts or dresses kind of girl. “I see her more in a suit, am I right, Claire?” He asked, not surprised when she grinned and nodded her assent. “You can put your other daughter in fancy dresses, she loves those.”

He smiled when Cas pouted a bit. “God, baby, you’re so adorable.” He said, chuckling more. “I promise, you can have free reign with Frankie’s clothes. You know more about it than I do.” He said, full out laughing as Cas perked up, and he leaned to kiss him softly. Dean loved Cas so much, and it was just reinforced every day. Dean stroked Cas’ side. “You will just have to accept Claire wearing a suit.” He winked at their daughter, he was so proud of her he could burst. 

Before Dean could say anything more, his cell phone rang. It was flashing Sam’s number. He reached to answer it. “What’s up, Sammy?” 

Sam let out a deep breath. He wasn’t looking forward to telling Dean what he had to tell him. Sam’s voice was shaking as he spoke. “Dean….. I have some…. Something happened.” He didn’t… this wasn’t fair. “Dad…. there was…. He’s been arrested.” The whole story came out, that John had been investigating Bobby’s death, and it had been proven to him that he was wrong about the gang killing Bobby. It had been Balthazar, just like Dean had thought it was. “Dad was… there was a shootout. Balthazar… he’s dead. But there was a witness who swore that Dad killed him in cold blood instead of self defense.” Sam wasn’t sure how they were going to prove it. It didn’t matter where the bullet had hit him, it wasn’t going to be definitive in proof this time. 

“He’s not going to arraignment till tomorrow, and I’m hoping that due to the fact he’s been a cop in good standing for such a long time, that they’ll go easy on him with bail. Maybe he’ll be released on his own recognizance. I don’t… Dad said he found some stuff out about Balthazar, but he wasn’t able to tell me, because there was a cop listening. He used his one phone call to call me because he didn’t want to upset you if he didn’t have to.”

That didn’t even sound real to Dean. His eyes brushed with tears, and his daughter and Cas instantly looked at him with concern. “Dad… he wasn’t hurt?” He asked, and Sam told him that he hadn’t been, not really. A few punches had landed before guns came out. Dean knew that John could handle that. He ran his free hand through his brown hair. “I don’t.. We’ll take care of bail if he’s able to get it. But I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not happy about Balthazar being gone. Because I am. He killed Bobby, and Dad might go away for a long time if we can’t prove that this wasn’t intended.” Dean honestly couldn’t believe that a cop with his dad’s reputation was being charged with something like this. He wondered what it was that John had found out about Balthazar. “I’m… has anyone gone to see Ellen? I don’t…. I know how tough she is, and she’s going to refuse if I call first, but I really won’t be able to sleep if I don’t check up on her.”

Dean didn’t know how this could happen. The silver lining was that even if Balthazar wasn’t going to be charged with Bobby’s death, at least he was gone. He couldn’t hurt their family anymore. Dean took a shaky breath. He was already standing, using Cas’ shoulder to stand all the way up. His family stood as well, Cas’ arm sliding around Dean’s waist. Dean automatically leaned into him, taking another deep breath. “I’ll go to the arraignment tomorrow, and if he has bail I’ll take care of it. He did his best to take care of us his whole life, I won’t let him sit in a jail cell if I can help it.” 

They spoke a bit more, it was agreed that Dean would go and check on Ellen, and then they hung up. Dean was shaking he was so mad. But Sam had made sure to tell him it was going to be okay. He was a lot more positive about this kind of thing than Dean was. He told Cas and Claire what had happened, and Cas’ eyes also filled with tears. He hugged Dean tightly, whispering assurances that John would be proven innocent. Dean sniffled and buried his head in his husband’s neck. “I’m going to go check on Ellen. Maybe stay with her if she’ll let me. Or see if she’ll want to come here.” 

“Dean, baby… Dad’s going to be okay. We’ll fight this. Anyone who knows him knows he wouldn’t do this on purpose.” Cas kissed him softly and brushed some of Dean’s tears off his cheek. “I know how stubborn Ellen is, do you want me to come with you? Claire can be here for Frankie.” Cas was worried about Dean driving when he was so upset. He didn’t want to say that in front of Claire. “Claire, sweetheart, let me talk to your dad alone, okay?” He asked, and he could tell she didn’t want to, but she left the room. As soon as she was gone, Cas noticed that Dean let his tears flow more freely. Cas pressed another soft kiss to his lips.

It was the scariest thing they’d been through since Bobby. John was the patriarch, and everyone leaned on him in some way. Cas knew that he couldn’t stand the thought of John in prison. Especially when he was innocent of what he had been accused of. Cas was sure of that, even if a part of John had been glad that Balthazar had gotten what he’d deserved. Cas knew that there had to be because he was glad that the man had paid for what he’d done. Cas knew that Dean was too, he hadn’t had to hear his husband confirm it. “Dean, baby, I am worried about you driving while you’re this upset. I almost lost you once, I can’t do it again.” That time when Dean was in the hospital had been the hardest thing he’d been through since he’d lost his parents. 

The fact that Cas was so concerned, would have bothered him if it didn’t have some validity. Dean probably shouldn’t be driving when he was this upset. “I promise, you’ll never lose me, okay?” He asked, stroking Cas’ arm. He fought back a sob. He knew that Cas had technically lost him before, he knew that he’d died on the operating table and they’d had to bring him back. Dean didn’t like to think about it, even if they had managed to change the DNR papers before the surgery had taken place. Before Dean met Cas and had children, he wouldn’t have been afraid to go. When he’d signed those papers he’d been young and was still reeling from the miscarriage and death of Annalisa. He had also not planned on living past the age of 21. 

He took a deep breath. “I understand you being upset though. I know that I probably shouldn’t be driving right now.” Dean assented, even if he didn’t like it. His hands were shaking and Cas reached to take hold of them, lacing his fingers tightly with his. Dean held them tightly. Dean knew that with him shaking like that he really couldn’t drive. He took a deep breath. “You should probably drive.” He shook some more with anger. “I’m going to go and throw some clothes on. If we call first Ellen will insist she’s fine. I know that she’s not.”

Cas watched him walk upstairs, and he wondered if he was right, and they were really going to get through this.

About twenty minutes later, they were at Ellen’s and John’s. Cas pulled up, they’d taken Dean’s car. Dean was out of the car as soon as it stopped, he’d made sure to grab some ice cream they’d just bought out of the freezer. Dean pulled out his key and unlocked the door. Surprise was the best way to do things with Ellen. He called out as he got inside. “Ellen! It’s Dean and Cas!” He wasn’t surprised that Cas was taking his good old time walking up the walk. Dean heard noises in the kitchen and moved to find her. She was loading up the dishwasher, it had taken her a lot to use a dishwasher, Ellen was incredibly old school. But as Dean was himself he wasn’t at all surprised. He set the ice cream on the counter. 

“Ir’s mint chocolate chip, because that’s Cas’ favorite.” He told her, already gearing up to hear a lecture about how she was fine and they didn’t have to come over. Cas finally reached them, giving Dean hell for leaving the door open. Dean folded his arms and looked at her. “Give it to me, Ellen. Yell all you want, but Dad’s in jail, your future husband, and I couldn’t sleep if I didn’t know that you were okay. You’re going to be my mom. Just let me take care of you.” He said, giving her a stern look. 

To what she was sure was Dean’s surprise, Ellen’s eyes brushed with tears. “I’m…. how do you think I am? John’s up for murder. And he’s innocent of doing it in cold blood. He had to fight back, that awful man was trying to kill him.” Ellen’s eyes brushed with more tears, she couldn’t stop them. “And my daughter finally told me why her fiance beat the fuck out of Balthazar. I… I wanted.. I’m so glad that he’s gone. I don’t… and I don’t feel bad about that. He deserved it for what he did to Bobby and what he tried to do to my daughter.” She didn’t usually let the kids see her this upset. 

She didn’t stop Cas from getting out some spoons and bowls for the ice cream. She closed the dishwasher and let Dean make her sit down at the table. “I don’t…. For the first time in my life, I think I’ve finally got something that I can’t handle.” She saw the look on Dean’s face, he looked incredibly crestfallen, and his chin was actually wobbling. She reached out to grab his hand. “No, Dean. I’m not going to leave your father. If I left him now I wouldn’t really love him, would I? He needs me and I’m going to be there for him.” Ellen didn’t believe that Dean could think that. But she supposed on second thought that with all the upset he’d had over his life, she could believe it. 

Dean squeezed her fingers. “Ellen, I promise, we’re going to get through this. If our family is anything, it’s resilient. We will find some way to get Dad out of trouble.” Cas came to the table, putting bowls of ice cream down in front of them. Dean didn’t know what they were going to do to make that happen, but he knew that he was going to do whatever it was he could. Dean took a bite of his ice cream before he said anything else. “Ellen, you’re either going to let us stay here tonight or come with us to our place. Don’t argue with me. Just let me protect you. I know you don’t need it. That’s not the point.” He told her, his tone still firm. He was the only one who was allowed to get forceful with her like that.

It was hard for her to articulate what she wanted to say. She understood that Dean was just trying to do what was right. That’s usually what he was trying to do, and it really made her proud of him. She knew that he thought he wasn’t a good person, and she hated that he thought that. He was one of the best men that she’d ever known. “I will let you stay, if that’s what you need to do.” Ellen allowed, wondering why they had to be the ones who were going through this. A small part of her wished that it had worked out with Bobby all those years ago. She also wished that John knew, even though she understood that it was best that he didn’t know. She didn’t want to ruin his memory of Bobby if she didn’t have to. 

Cas brushed his hand through his hair. “Ellen, I know this is hard. But we’ll solve this. John didn’t do it with premeditation, and we’ll find some way to prove it.” Cas honestly didn’t blame her for wanting to give up. He had wanted to give up at certain points during the time Dean was ill. He hadn’t of course, but it had been so hard and it had killed him to see Dean so ill. And they still had to worry about the custody case. John getting arrested for murder wasn’t going to help with that, even if he was innocent and most of Dallas was going to believe that. Cas reached out and brushed some of the tears off Dean’s face. 

“Baby, it’s going to be okay.” 

They were silent for the next ten minutes or so, and then Dean made sure Ellen went upstairs to relax, while Cas put the bowls in the dishwasher. Then he went up to the guest room to make sure there were sheets on the bed and things like that. When he reached the bedroom, his phone rang. Cas pulled it out of his pocket, and was surprised to see that it was his brother Michael. They hadn’t spoken in a long time. He answered it though, just hoping that it wasn’t bad news. He wasn’t sure that right now was the time that he could hear it. “Hello Michael..” He said with a sigh as he answered. “What is it that you want?”

Michael Novak was older than Cas, and of the two of Cas’ brothers, he was more accepting of Cas being gay. Michael took a deep breath before he spoke. “Cassie, I need to tell you something.” He didn’t know how this was going to go, and he wasn’t sure that he was doing the right thing, but he had to get it off his chest. “I’m…. I’m bisexual, and I have a boyfriend. I want to bring him to meet you and your husband.” Michael had been surprised when he’d heard that Cas had gotten married, just because Cas usually didn’t do things like commit that hard with people who were actually good for him. Michael kept in touch with Claire, but that wasn’t a widely known thing. 

That halted the work Cas was doing to get out some extra blankets, although he wasn’t sure that they’d really need them. It was starting to get a bit warmer. “You’re what?” Cas asked, and Michael slowly repeated it. “Mikey…. How could you do this to me? I mean, the fact that you went along with Gabriel when he was refusing to talk to me. You only ever spoke to me when he wasn’t around. I don’t…. How could you?” Cas asked, his voice breaking. “Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that you’re owning who you are. But this is something that you were born with, and you knew the whole time that you were bisexual. You too like men and you never accepted me outright for what I am.”

It was hurting more than he thought it would. Cas couldn't believe this. “Michael, first of all, it’s nearly ten o’clock at night. I just got some horrible news about an hour ago, and it’s affecting my entire family. Because you aren’t my family anymore and haven’t been for a long time. I don’t want you in my life. Not after you put me what you put me through when you were in the closet.” Cas didn’t know how Michael could be so cruel. He was fighting back tears. “I can’t…. I can’t believe that you did this!” His voice rose a bit, and he knew that Dean might have been able to hear him.

Michael understood why Cas was so upset. “I understand, Cas. I understand why you’re so upset. There’s… there’s also something else I need to ask you. And remember that this isn’t really for me, it’s for someone else who is completely innocent.” Michael waited until Cas had given his assent for him to tell him what he needed. “So…. I have a son. He’s a few weeks old. But my boyfriend doesn’t want kids, and I really love him, so I was hoping that you would agree to raise him. His name is James.” 

What? Michael wanted to give him his child? Cas was so angry. He also couldn’t agree to something like that without asking Dean. Speaking of his husband, he was walking in the room, carrying two beers. He set them on the bedside table. Cas gestured towards the closet, there was probably something in there they could sleep in. Cas was working to keep his voice down as he replied to his brother. “Michael, first of all, I think it is abhorrent that you’re giving up your child for your boyfriend, and two, I can’t agree to something like that without discussing it with my husband. So I’ll have to get back to you on the custody matter of your child.” This last bit was said with a bark, and he hung up, throwing his phone gently on the bed. 

“What was that about, babe?” Dean asked, putting some old sweats of John’s on the bed for them to change into. “Ellen’s already in bed watching television, and I made sure she took one of her anti anxiety pills.” He told him, before stripping down to his birthday suit, as he wasn’t wearing underwear, and put on a pair of sweatpants but no shirt. Dean didn’t know that he liked the end of that conversation. His mouth dropped open as Cas told him what his brother had asked him to do. Dean wasn’t sure that he could say no to having another kid, because honestly he’d been thinking about it. This was kind of like one was just dropping into their laps. But he also wanted to make sure that Michael wasn’t going to change his mind later and try to take the child away. 

Cas sighed as he moved to put his arms around Dean’s waist. “I don’t… I don’t expect you to want to do this, Dean. I’m not going to lie, I want to take the poor child. Michael probably shouldn’t be allowed to raise children, he’s…. Way more twisted than Gabriel is.” He didn’t know how this had happened, that Michael was bisexual and he wanted to give him a child. Cas buried his head in Dean’s bare shoulder. “I just… I can’t believe that Michael was bisexual this whole time, and that he wants to give me his son.” Cas didn’t know why things like this kept happening. “I don’t.. Do you want to do this? I mean, I know I’ve been thinking about asking you if you were into the idea of having more kids. So…. do you want to take James in?”

That was the question. He didn’t know how he could say no. “It’s not that I don’t, but I want to know that Michael isn’t going to change his mind and come to take the baby away.” Dean said. He brushed his hands across Cas’ back. “If we’re given the baby free and clear, as in he signs his parental rights to us, then okay. Let’s have another kid.” Dean knew that Cas would be glad about that. “I love you, and I love our kids. We were meant to be together, Cas. I don’t know why. But I know that I wouldn’t change a thing that happened since I met you.” 

This is when Cas lifted his head so he could look into Dean’s green eyes. “I love you too, Dean Winchester.” He said, and kissed him, deeply. He pressed against him, his cock brushing up against Dean’s. “Make love to me, Dean.” He whispered against his lips. Cas pushed him onto the bed, straddling him, kissing Dean deeply. Dean’s arms went around his neck, and Cas reached into Dean’s sweatpants and took Dean’s half hard cock in his hand. He began to stroke him, and then he moved off him to take off his clothes, tossing them to the floor. He grinned when he saw that Dean had taken off the sweatpants, and his cock was standing at attention. Parting Dean’s legs, Cas settled in between them, and took Dean’s cock in his mouth, deep throating him. He was blessed with the gift of no gag reflex.

When his husband’s mouth was on his cock, Dean’s hips arched up and his hand went into Cas’ hair. His fingers tightened and he pulled it a bit, his breath shallow already. He gasped and arched his hips harder, as Cas’ left hand cupped Dean’s balls as he sucked. Before Dean could come, which was going to happen very soon, Cas licked a couple of his fingers and slid them into Dean’s hole, Dean crying out Cas’ name. Cas worked them inside him, until he was sure that Dean was ready for him, and then parted Dean’s legs and slipped his long hard cock inside him. As he slid all the way inside, Dean gasped out and tugged Cas’ face down so he could kiss him. Cas kissed back, his hips moving at a steady pace. He couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. Cas’ mouth moved over Dean’s neck, sucking lightly. He wanted to mark him so everyone knew that Dean was his. 

Dean came then, spurting all over his and Cas’ abs. “FUCK, CAS.” He cried, really hoping that Ellen couldn’t hear them from her bedroom. Dean’s fingers scratched Cas’ back, and Cas was coming as well, gripping Dean’s hips. Dean gasped and fell back against the bed, trying to catch his breath. He squeezed around Cas’ cock once more and then his husband moved out and lay next to him on the bed. Dean immediately cuddled up to him, wrapping an arm around Cas’ waist. “I love you. Best sex of my life.” He told him, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t know how he could ever live without Cas. He stroked Cas’ side, just loving the feel of his bare skin. 

“We’re going to be dads again, Cas.” Dean said, his head laid on Cas’ chest. Cas had put his arm around Dean’s back. His fingers were stroking Dean’s hip. Dean turned so he could press a kiss to Cas’ chest. “I can’t imagine being happier with anyone else. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so glad that we met.” Dean didn’t know how it had taken so long to happen, with them both knowing the same people. But he knew that they couldn’t dwell on that. They had to be happy with what they had. 

“I love you more than life itself.” Cas told him. He loved that they felt so free telling each other that. Neither of them ever hesitated. Cas was also glad that they could finally have sex. Cas hadn’t ever had better sex either. He was of the mind it was because he’d never loved anyone like he loved Dean. “His name is James.” Cas said, pressing a kiss to the top of Dean’s head. He didn’t know why Michael was being such an ass and wanting to give up his son, but Cas also knew that he couldn’t let someone who shared his blood go into the foster system. Not when they were plenty capable of taking him in. “I am so glad you’re on the same page about the baby.” Cas told him, still stroking Dean’s side. 

Lifting his head so he could look into Cas’ eyes, Dean said, “Cas, that baby has your blood. And I know that there was no way that you could let a child who was related to you go into the foster care system. I don’t… I don’t know how Michael can be that way, that he doesn’t want his own child… and all for some man that he’s not even married to, but I love being a dad with you. You are the love of my life and I can’t deny you anything. So if you want this baby, then I do too.” Dean told him, and kissed him then, his toes curling into the bedspread. 

That was when they fell asleep, hoping that things would be better in the morning. 

The following afternoon, Dean was arriving at the courthouse to see if he was going to be able to get his dad out of jail on bail. Dean was running late, he’d had to drop Frankie off at her little friend’s, Cas was doing some work on his novel and Dean didn’t want him to be disturbed. Not to mention that Frankie would take any chance she had to play with other kids her own age. The courtroom was full, and they were just getting John up to the table so he could be arraigned. Dean found Sam there already, and moved to sit with him. He leaned to whisper in Sam’s ear. “What do you think is about to happen?” He asked, he’d made sure to bring the checkbook. There was one good thing that was coming out of Bobby being gone, they would have the money to pay John’s bail if he was assigned some. 

Sam shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know, but it’s taken forever to get to him.” He fell silent as the judge asked their father what plea he was going to enter, and John told him that he was pleading not guilty. It took a handful of minutes, but the judge knew John well and let him go on his own recognizance. Sam let out a sigh of relief. It was most likely because John wasn’t a flight risk and he was a well known cop in town. Sam moved to stand as they uncuffed John and he moved over to them. They went outside in the hall so as not to disturb the court. Sam met his father’s green eyes. “Dad, that was a really good sign. Maybe the judge believes that you’re innocent.” 

While he knew that Sam was right, John still didn’t like this. “I really need to talk to you boys, but I don’t want to do it here. Too many people could overhear. We should go to my place, I want to make sure that Ellen knows as well.” John was wondering if there really was a way out of this. He wasn’t sure that there was, and that was what was worrying him. He moved with his boys down the hall, wondering if this was karma or something, not that he would know what it was for. There was so much about this that wasn’t right. Now he just had to prove it. 

_If I could fly I’d be coming right back home to you  
I think I might give up everything, just ask me to_

_Pay attention I hope that you listen_  
Cause I let my guard down  
Right now I’m completely defenseless 

_For your eyes only, I show you my heart_  
For when you’re lonely and forget who you are  
I’m missing half of me when we’re apart  
Now you know me, for your eyes only  
For your eyes only 

_I’ve got scars, although they can’t always be seen  
And pain gets hard, but now you’re here and I don’t feel a thing_

_Pay attention I hope that you listen_  
Cause I let my guard down  
Right now I’m completely defenseless 

_I can feel your heart inside of mine_  
(I feel it, I feel it)  
I’ve been going out of my mind  
(I feel it, I feel it)  
Know that I’m just wasting time  
And I hope that you don’t run from me 

 

_**Author’s note: Sorry it’s been awhile. I got some more Destiel feels, so I am in a Destiel mood. Not that I’m not ever OUT of a Destiel mood. I started reading this great Destiel fic, probably as a result of the first episode of 13. I am not sure what’s going to happen next, but I hope ya’ll liked the update. I will try to update asap.** _


	19. If I Could Fly

Chapter Nineteen: If I Could Fly

John stepped inside his house, the boys had dropped him off. John would have wanted them to come in, but at the moment he wanted to talk to Ellen himself alone. He let himself in, glad she was still keeping things locked up. “Ellen? I’m home.” He called out as he got inside, dropping his keys in the bowl by the door and locking the door again as he shut it. He wanted to beat this. He was so angry that Balthazar was seeming to do this one last thing and he was dead. John moved to the kitchen, where he found his fiancée. John found her at the coffee pot, starting a pot. It was a little late in the afternoon for that, but he didn’t stop her. There were still things he needed to tell the boys, but he’d arranged for them to come over for dinner. It was still hard for him to grasp. That he was actually up for murder.

“I’m home.” He said, unnecessarily, and she turned to him, her eyes wide with tears. John wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to him. “I’m okay, Elle.” He didn’t know just yet how they were going to prove that he didn’t kill Balthazar in cold blood, but he knew they could figure it out somehow. John stroked her back. “We’ll figure this out. I don’t know how but we will.” John didn’t know if any of that was going to make her feel better, but he had to try. John didn’t know what else to say. It was an impossible situation. “The boys are coming back in a bit, we’re going to need to talk about some things I know that will help the case. I don’t want to talk about it in a public place.”

After she’d calmed down a bit, she stepped back to look at him. He was so tall, or rather, she was so short. Ellen could see the lines around his eyes. He was getting older and older. Ellen knew that she was as well, but with a job like John’s, it really did add on the stress lines. She reached into the cupboard for mugs. “I am glad that you’re home.” She said, her hands shaking a bit, and his covered hers to still them. “I am glad that the boys will be by. Dean and Cas spent the night here last night, they’re good boys.” Ellen knew that John would be pleased she hadn’t been alone, even if she could handle things by herself. She had still been glad to know that they’d been right down the hall. She cleared her throat. “Cas told me this morning they’re going to be dads again.”

This caused a surprised noise from John. Ellen filled coffee cups and handed one to him. “He said his brother Michael is going to give him and Dean his son, James.” She didn’t know how Michael could be that way, that he didn’t want his own son. “Cas didn’t tell me all of the details, but he said as long as Michael signs away his parental rights, then they’re going to take him in.” Ellen was sure that condition was a result of Dean. She knew that her son wouldn’t want to take in a child if there was even a slight chance he would be taken away. But she understood that. It was hard to have a child taken from you like that. Not that she knew from experience. 

John wondered why Dean didn’t bring this up when he’d seen him earlier. But he understood why. Dean wasn’t sure if it was a done deal yet. “I hope that it works out for them. Especially if this is something that they want. I know that Castiel wouldn’t want someone who shared his blood growing up in the system.” It was one of the reasons that John loved him so much. Cas was all about family. It wasn’t his fault that his family hadn’t felt the same way. “I’m not surprised that Cas is making sure his nephew has a family.” John was glad that she’d changed the subject, he needed something else to focus on.

When Dean got home, he found an unfamiliar car in the driveway. After he’d pulled into the garage, he headed inside, and he found a man he didn’t recognize with his husband, and Cas was holding a baby. Dean knew this was it, this was James. He stepped up to Cas, whose eyes were full of tears. He looked upset. Dean kissed Cas’ cheek and then turned to the man that was standing there, holding some papers. Dean wondered how long this man had had this plan, for Cas and Dean to take the baby. The baby was at least a couple of months old. Dean set his green eyes on him and held out his hand. “I’m Dean Winchester, Cas’ husband. I assume you’re Michael?” He asked, and the other man nodded. Dean didn’t really know what to say to that. He wished that he did. “So this is the baby?” He asked, Cas’ eyes were pouring tears, and he really wished that he knew why. Dean kept his eyes on Michael, who actually reminded him a lot of John as a young man. Dean didn’t really know why. 

“So, how long have you had this plan, Michael? Since the baby was born, or before?” Dean asked, his tone accusatory. “Not that I’m complaining, because Cas and I get the baby. But you never wanted this kid to begin with, did you? You were planning on handing this kid off on Cas the entire time.” Dean wasn’t sure why that filled him with anger, but it did. “I don’t know what kind of man you are, but I do have some words to say to you. You knew you were bisexual this whole time, and you made Cas feel like shit for being gay. What kind of person does that? To their own brother? I can understand Gabriel a bit better than I can you, he’s just homophobic. Although I hate that word, you’re not scared, you’re just an asshole.” Dean said, actually growling as he spoke. 

Michael just looked coolly back at Dean as he spoke, and that kind of got on Dean’s nerves. “You shouldn’t have done that to him. Why would you? No one should have made you come out before you were ready, but you also knew that you liked guys too and you didn’t even speak up! You could have told Cas, you could have not made fun of him! Seriously, other than the fact that you are giving me your child, give me one good reason that I shouldn’t beat the shit out of you.”

All of what Dean said was true, and that bothered Michael just a bit. “Look, Dean, don’t do this, okay? I’ve signed the papers giving up parental rights, so all you need to do is call a judge that likes ya’ll and you’ll be set to adopt James.” Michael hadn’t even given him a last name. “I’m sorry for what I caused Cas, okay? You don’t have to believe that, and I don’t expect Cas to. But I am not going to come back and try to get James. He’s a Winchester now. I didn’t even give him a last name.” He wasn’t surprised when he saw the looks on his brother and his husband’s faces. Michael didn’t and never had wanted this child. He hadn’t even meant to sleep with the mother. “The mother isn’t going to come and try and take him either, she died in childbirth.” Michael had known that she hadn’t wanted it either, she’d been planning to give it up for adoption. Or drop him off a fire station or something. 

“Just take him, okay? I get why you’re pissed. I get why Cas is pissed. But as much as I don’t want to raise James, I also don’t want him to end up with Gabe or in the system. Kids who end up in the system are messed up for life. The mother and I…. we always wanted this baby to have parents who wanted it. Because we didn’t. I know you think that means I’m terrible. Especially since I told you my boyfriend doesn’t want kids.” Michael’s eyes brushed with tears, surprising himself. It surprised his family, too. Cas had handed off the baby to Dean, whose green eyes had filled with tears. “Why shouldn’t you raise him? You are both great dads. I… I’ve been in contact with Claire.” This was something that he knew might get his niece in trouble. “I know how great you are with your daughters. I just want James to have great parents. You two are it.”

There was a ringing in Cas’ ears when Michael said he’d been in contact with Claire. She’d never told them that, and Cas was kind of upset. “I can’t… first of all, you are not to have any more contact with my daughter. I’m going to tell her as well. You don’t get to be in our lives, you understand me? You… I am so angry at you. More than I am Gabriel. Because you knew all along what you were and acted straight. Acted homophobic. On purpose. Just to I don’t know, keep Mom and Dad in your life? Who by the way, accepted me for who I was. It was you and Gabriel that always shunned me for being gay. I don’t know why you thought that it mattered hating me.” Cas was so angry. He shared a look with his husband, who was totally in awe of the baby. Cas took a second to get butterflies in his stomach at the sight of it, and then turned back to his stupid brother.

“We’ll take the baby, okay? You can leave with your conscience clear.” Cas’ tone was cold. He didn’t know why Michael was doing this, but there was no way that Cas was letting a child that shared his blood go into the system. Not when he and Dean were capable of taking him in. Cas moved to the door, and held it open. “Leave, Mikey. Leave.” Cas had always held out hope that his brothers would someday love him like they were supposed to. He knew now that there was no way that he was ever going to have either of them in his life. It just wasn’t going to happen and he was going to have to make his peace with that. 

After Michael had walked out the door, Cas closed it, and turned back to Dean. Who looked in awe still over the baby. “James Winchester…. maybe he should have a middle name.” Cas wondered what it should be. Then he and Dean looked at each other, and then said, “Robert.” in one voice. Smiling, Cas moved over to kiss Dean, who kissed him back. Then Cas cleared his throat, and Dean looked at him expectantly. “He told me why Gwen used my sperm.” That had been a revelation that Cas hadn’t been expecting. “He said she was in love with me, and not Gabriel.”

That was a surprise. Dean wasn’t a bit surprised that no one but Michael knew that. “Wow. I… wow.” Dean wasn’t surprised a lot, really, he just didn’t know what to say. He didn’t doubt that the woman had had feelings for Cas, because Cas was gorgeous. Anyone who didn’t think so Dean questioned their sanity. “I’m not really surprised, you’re amazing.” Dean said, as the baby reached up and grabbed his chin. Dean laughed and looked down at the baby. “James Robert, you are the cutest baby.” This is when the front door opened, and Claire and Frankie came in, immediately began to squeal at the sight of their baby brother. Dean handed off the baby to Claire and grabbed Cas to lead him into the kitchen.

“So, do you need to talk about this?” Dean asked. “If you do I understand. You… you have every right to be angry.” Dean said. He himself was angry with Michael for the way that he’d treated Cas. “I myself want to beat the fuck out of Michael for what he did. And if I thought that it would matter or make you feel better, I would.” Dean reached out and wrapped his arms around Cas’ neck, tugging him close. He played with the hair at the nape of Cas’ neck. “You can be angry, you know that right? You don’t have to hold all of this inside, just because you get a son out of the deal.” Dean didn’t want Cas to hold things in, he knew how that worked because before he’d met Cas that had been all he’d done. He wanted to not hold things in as much and actually talk about things.

Cas looked into Dean’s green eyes. “I’m okay. I really am. I’m.. yeah, I’m angry as hell.” Cas didn’t know how Michael could have not wanted a baby. But on the other hand, he supposed that Michael had been doing the best he could by his child. So maybe it wasn’t all bad. “I’m… I really can’t believe that Michael did that to me. That he spent all of those years bullying me when he was bisexual and knew the whole time.” Cas really couldn’t believe the family that he’d been dealt. Dean had gone through some things, but his family wasn’t nearly as fucked up as Cas’ was. “What’s more important is we need to get stuff for the baby. I have a crib he can sleep in for tonight, and Michael brought enough clothes and diapers for tonight, but tomorrow we have to hit a store.”

“You can be as angry as you want. You can go and beat the fuck out of Michael if you need to. But you also need to remember that we have kids who need you. Michael isn’t the type to press charges, but his boyfriend might be. We don’t know for sure. So I’d prefer if you didn’t. I know trouble with the law isn't new to you, but it is to me. I’m not someone who goes and does things that the cops would need to be called for.” Cas didn’t want to lose Dean even for a second, let alone for however long he’d serve for beating the shit out of his stupid brother. “Please don’t. I can’t live without you, and you know it.” Cas licked his lips and then kissed Dean, deeply, sucking on his tongue.

This is when Claire cleared her throat. “Dads…” She said, and they both jumped apart, mostly in surprise, she knew it wasn’t because of guilt. Frankie ran for Cas, squealing “Papa!” Claire brushed her hair out of her eyes with one of her hands and handed the baby to Dean, who took him, James reaching for Dean’s nose as they passed him between them. Claire said, “I have to go and do my homework before dinner. Because I have a date with Julie tomorrow.” They both looked at her in shock. “Yeah, she asked me if I wanted to go out and grab a burger.” Claire was kind of glad that she and Julie were going out before the dance, it would make the date at the dance a little less awkward. Since it would be their second date. 

Cas, who was bouncing Frankie on his hip, turned to look at Claire. “That’s so great, Claire. I know you’ve got to be excited about that. Plus, I’m proud of you for doing your homework early.” It was Friday, she had all weekend. Cas was glad that she seemed to be turning things around now that she was here. Cas moved awkwardly as Frankie reached to climb into his shoulders. She loved to do that with him and Dean. “Be careful, Frankie Jean Winchester.” He said, as she settled in on his shoulders, playing with his black hair. They all looked at them and laughed. Cas too, reaching up to brace Frankie with his hands. “Frankie, you are such a little monkey.” He said, as she giggled. 

“Go on and play so Papa can make dinner. You know Daddy isn’t good at cooking.” Cas said, reaching up and liting her down to the floor, and she ran for the living room. Cas moved to get out the chicken he’d defrosted. “I’m making fried chicken, Dean, I know you love it.” This earned him a kiss from his husband. “Why don’t you go and put James down, he seems to be getting sleepy. I put the crib in the bedroom with Frankie till we can get his bedroom ready.” Cas also knew that Frankie would love sharing her bedroom with her baby brother. “Sadly there’s no changing table.” 

Dean gave him a kiss and headed up with the baby. Frankie was watching My Little Pony, which Dean honestly hated more than he had ever hated any cartoon, but she was happy, and Claire had already gone up to her room. Dean put the baby in the crib, wondering why Cas had had a crib already. Cas had said that he’d never lost a baby like Dean had, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t been planning on having one at some point. Dean wasn’t jealous, he wasn’t a woman. He’d had a life before Cas, he assumed that Cas had had one before him. Dean wondered if he should ask. He had to admit, it did hurt a bit that Cas would have been planning a family with someone else, but he had been when he’d been younger so it’s not as if he really had room to talk. 

As he was leaving the bedroom, his phone rang. Dean closed the door softly so he didn’t wake the baby, who had gone to sleep as soon as his head had hit the pillow in the crib. Dean was surprised to see it was Jo. “Hey, Jo, what’s going on?” He asked, as he answered the phone. He hadn’t expected to hear from her, she had been planning on going out with Charlie to see a movie. They were getting to be friends, which Dean had to admit that he liked. Charlie needed some friends, get back into the world. She’d been taking Charlotte’s death harder than she wanted to admit out loud. Dean brushed his hand over his hair, really hoping it wasn’t a problem that they were going to have to solve. There were enough of those going around right now. Dean wasn’t sure that he could handle another one.

When Jo heard Dean’s voice, she was able to relax a bit. “Hey, Dean. I need…” Jo didn’t know how to ask this. She couldn’t get a hold of Sam and she’d already called the ambulance. The baby was early. This was bad. “Dean….. the baby… it’s coming.” It was three months early. Jo knew that a baby could survive when it was born that early, but she also was scared out of her mind. She had a bad precedent for this. “I can’t…. I’ve called Sam, he must have his phone on silent for work.” Jo didn’t know if she could do this and she was scared to death. Jo wanted this baby to be okay. She was praying that it was false labor. Her water hadn’t broken yet but she was having contractions. Jo held her stomach with her free hand. “Dean, please. I called the ambulance, they’ll be here in a few minutes.” 

His eyes went wide. “Oh shit. Jo, hold on. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Dean reassured her once more and hung up, telling her he didn’t want to be on the phone while he was driving. Cas was in the kitchen, adding the chicken to the fryer. Dean went to him, his hands shaking. “Cas… I have to go… Jo said the baby’s coming… and it’s too early.” Dean wasn’t looking forward to this, wasn’t ready to deal if Jo was losing his niece or nephew. Dean knew about the trouble Jo had had in high school, and he knew that this was going to devastate her. Dean’s eyes met Cas’, his husband had started to tear up. “Can.. I know you want to come too but stay here with the kids for awhile. If… If I need you I’ll call. Claire can handle things then.” Dean didn’t know how he was going to do this without Cas, but he knew that his brother and Jo were going to need him. He knew what it was like to lose a baby and exactly how much it hurt. Dean didn’t want that for Sam. 

Cas moved to his husband and hugged him tightly. He knew what Dean was thinking. He knew that Dean didn’t want Jo and Sam to lose the baby. He also knew that Dean was remembering how much it had hurt him to lose his own child. Cas whispered in his ear. “It’s going to be fine, Dean. Don’t worry so much. And you know you can call me and I will do whatever you and your brother need.” Cas pulled back to kiss him, tasting the salt of Dean’s tears in that kiss. “Let me know what happens, okay?” He looked into those wide green eyes, they were full of tears and worry. He wiped some of them off Dean’s cheeks. “Calm down before you get there, you’ll make Jo upset, and she’s already upset.” 

While his husband was right, Dean wasn’t wanting to admit it out loud. “Okay. I’ll be careful.” Dean kissed him once more and grabbed his car keys. On his way out, he told Frankie he was going to see Auntie Jo, he didn’t think she needed to know anything more than that. She was four. Dean got outside and had to keep himself from breaking down as he approached the Impala. Dean got inside and wondered how many more hits their family could take and still be standing. He didn’t… they couldn’t lose the baby, not right now, not with John being charged with murder. Dean took some deep breaths and then started up the car, he would have to calm down or Jo would freak out, just like Cas said she would. He had to be the strong big brother. 

The ride to the hospital was short but seemed to take forever. When he got there, he found Sam already there, he saw his car as he swung into a parking spot in the emergency room section of the hospital. He hurried inside, tucking his phone in his pocket. Dean found Sam in the waiting room, but Jo wasn’t with him. That meant she was already being seen, right? So it was a good thing. Dean moved over to sit next to Sam, wondering why John wasn’t there. Or Ellen. Maybe Jo was trying to keep it quiet till they knew what was going on. Dean supposed that was a good way to do it. “Sammy?” He asked, touching his brother’s shoulder. “Where’s Jo?”

When Dean touched him, Sam had to work to keep the tears off his face. “I don’t… she’s back with the doctor. I don’t know what’s going on yet.” Sam said, brushing some of his brown hair off his face. He wasn’t surprised that Dean had come alone. Sam knew that he was trying to be the big brother and be the one who was strong. Sam knew that Dean knew he didn’t have to do that. Sam also knew that Dean was stubborn as hell. Sam didn’t expect Dean to just change because he had a husband and a family now. “I’m… I have no idea if my baby is dying or not.” Sam’s voice shook as he spoke, and Dean’s hand tightened its grip on Sam’s shoulder. “I know you think that you have to be strong for me, Dean… but you don’t. I know you know exactly what this pain feels like. I know what memories this is bringing up. You don’t have to keep things inside.” Sam brushed his hand over his hair again, brushing it out of his eyes. 

It wasn’t fair. How many more things were they going to have to deal with? Sam wasn’t one to complain either, because he knew Dean never had. And he’d had a raw deal. But Sam also knew that he was starting to get weary from having to deal with all of this. Sam didn’t want to lose his child. He didn’t want to lose Jo. “She’s in surgery…. I don’t know what’s going on and I can’t stand it.” Sam finally turned so he was looking at Dean. There were tears gathered in those green eyes. His brother’s chin was trembling. “It’s okay, Dean. You can let it out. I’m not going to break.” Sam knew that Dean wasn’t trying to make it about his pain. He never was. Dean wasn’t that kind of person. Sam had never seen Dean actually let things out, not really. Dean was the type of person to hold things in and try to be what he thought everyone else needed him to be. 

Even with Sam saying that, Dean didn’t feel like he could let the pain out. He stared at his brother for a long moment, trying to focus and not say something about how bad he was hurting and how bad it was going to be if this ended up the way he was scared that it was going to. “Sammy…. I can’t. I can’t do that. Once I let that pain out…” Dean’s voice was strangled, and he was trying to keep his composure. “I’m trying to be there for you. If I give in to this, I won’t be doing that. I’ll be giving in and being selfish and feeling my own pain.” Dean wasn’t surprised when Sam started to shake his head. They didn’t agree on things like that and never had. Dean knew that Sam wasn’t going to see it the same way that he did. “I don’t… please.” 

Before Dean could say anything more, a doctor walked up. Dean heard ringing in his ears as he heard the doctor tell Sam that they’d had to do an emergency C section, and the baby was in the ICU. Dean was trying to keep the heart in his chest beating. This was… it wasn’t fair. Dean heard Sam ask what the sex of the baby was, and the doctor told them it was a girl. The fact that they thought the baby was ultimately going to be okay wasn’t helping him from freaking out. Dean heard himself tell Sam he was going to go and call Cas, let him know what was going on. He stood, his legs feeling like jelly. He took a deep breath, and moved down the hall, letting Sam go and visit his baby daughter and his fiancee. Dean tried to calm down, but the tears were falling off his face. He pulled out his phone and hit speed dial two for his husband, holding it to his ear as his heart pounded out of his chest. When he heard his husband’s Brit accent in his ear, he felt as if warm water had just been dumped over him. 

“Cas…. Jo...she’s okay. The baby...it’s a girl, and the doctor says that she’ll be okay too after some time in ICU.”

When Cas heard his husband’s shaking voice, he was glad to hear from him. Cas had been worrying since Dean left. It hadn’t been that long, but he also knew that Dean was upset about all of this and his past and Cas wasn’t able to shake that worry. He had just finished giving Frankie a bath, and now she was in her pjs in her room, she had a half an hour before bedtime, and Claire was reading her a bedtime story. Cas was in the living room, working on his novel. Cas hadn’t been able to just sit there and worry. He’d wanted to take his mind off things. “Do you want me to come? I’ll come if you want. Claire’s reading Frankie a bedtime story. I could let her know what’s going on.” Cas knew that Dean wouldn’t want him to tell Claire about the lost baby that Dean was remembering. He didn’t want to upset her if he didn’t have to. Plus, that was Dean’s news to tell or not. Cas knew how much of Dean’s personality was cultivated in keeping people safe and from knowing how hard he took things. 

Dean told him he did want Cas to come, and Cas told him he was going to go and tell Claire where he was going, and to sit tight, and that he loved him, and then he hung up. Cas didn’t know that he was surprised. He hadn’t even gotten undressed because he’d been that sure he would have to go and be there for Dean. Cas moved up to Frankie’s room, Claire was just stepping into the hallway. Cas looked at her. She knew that Dean had gone to the hospital, but Cas hadn’t given her details yet. He hadn’t wanted to worry her till they knew what was going on. “Claire, your dad called and he wants me to come down to the hospital. Jo had the baby.” His expression prayed to her to not ask any followup questions about that. “I need you to stay here with Frankie and James. If you need anything call me or your dad, or Grandpa John.” 

She looked upset, and Cas didn’t blame her. “I know that you’re upset. I know that you’re not a kid. It’s not my news to tell though. So just for once, save me the guilt trip and be there for your sister and your brother. When I know anything else that I can tell you I’ll call, okay?” Cas met those blue eyes, and he tried to keep calm. He knew that Claire hated being left out of the loop. Not that he blamed her, she was a teenager and it could be frustrating to be left out of the loop when you were a teenager. 

Sizing her father up, Claire sighed. “Okay, Daddy. I’ll be here. Just….. Tell Uncle Sam and Aunt Jo I will be there if they need me.” She for once wasn’t going to give him the third degree, even if she wanted to. Claire knew something was up with Dean, and she didn’t know why they were leaving her out. Not telling Frankie she understood. She was only four. Claire also wanted to know the story on James, but he knew asking right now wasn’t the best idea. She wasn’t going to get him to offer up anything at the moment. It seemed fishy to her though, even if her dads seemed to be in control of the whole situation. “Is there enough diapers for James?” She asked. Nothing had been said yet about calling him a nickname. Claire was fond of Jamie. As opposed to Jimmy, which just made her want to vomit. She had never known a good Jimmy in her life.

Cas told her there was, but to call if she needed more. He would stop and get some. Cas shared a look with her, his blue eyes meeting hers that were so much like his. Now that he knew she was his daughter, he could see himself in her face. Cas knew that he was going to have to tell her at some point why her mother had used his sperm instead of getting pregnant by Gabriel. Cas met her eyes and then told her he had to go. Cas moved downstairs and grabbed his car keys. It was going to be hard, dealing with this. But Cas knew they could get through it, since the baby was going to be okay in the end. It could have been so much worse. Cas was a glass half full kind of guy though. He’d always been that way. 

When he got to the hospital, he found Dean waiting in the waiting room for ICU. It was really the ICU for children and babies, but that wasn’t the distinction that Cas should mention out loud. He approached his husband, and Dean dissolved into tears. Cas immediately took him in his arms. “Dean, it’s okay. The baby is going to be okay.” Cas told him, he was sure that Sam was with Jo or the baby. Cas knew that Dean was trying to hide how he was really feeling from his brother. Dean’s head burrowed into Cas’ neck. “It’s going to be okay. This isn’t like when you lost your baby, okay?” Cas rubbed his back. He didn’t know how it felt to lose a baby, but he did know how it felt to plan for one and the rug be pulled out from under you. He’d been close to having a family with someone before, and that was why he had a crib. He knew that Dean was dying to ask about it. He was just waiting for his husband to bite the bullet and actually ask.

As soon as Cas’ arms were around him, Dean felt better. He felt like maybe this wasn’t going to end in tragedy. “Sam’s with Jo, the baby’s in the NICU.” He had heard one of the doctors call it that. He assumed the N stood for nursery. He kept his face buried in Cas’ neck. Dean couldn’t help but think what it felt like to lose a baby. To lose something that you loved already, before you even met it. Dean cried, the tears shaking his whole body. He couldn’t imagine telling Cas how he felt and Cas being able to understand. He knew he had to ask about the crib. He believed Cas when his husband had said that he didn’t know from experience from losing a baby, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t lost something he’d been planning for. Dean didn’t know if now was the right time, but he was going to ask. 

“Cas, why did you have a crib already? Were you… did you plan on having a baby too?” Dean asked, still crying but lifting his head so he could look into Cas’ eyes. “I… I’m not doing the jealous thing. I had a life before I met you too. But…. I want to know more about you. We’re married, and I love you. I want to know everything that I can. I don’t expect you to tell me right now if you aren’t ready… but we have nothing to do but wait right now.” Dean didn’t know what he expected from Cas at the moment, but he had to know what was going on with the crib. He didn’t know what Cas had been through, and that was a bit agonizing for him. He loved Cas more than he had ever loved anyone in his life. He hated that Cas had been through something and he wanted to help him with the pain of it. It was what you did when you truly loved someone. 

The fact that Dean asked about the crib didn’t surprise Cas. He reached out and brushed some tears from Dean’s face. Dean at least seemed to be calming down a bit. Taking a deep breath, Cas said, “I was with this guy for three years. We… we had talked about having children. We got put on the adoption list. Neither of us were really hopeful.” Cas’ voice broke off, and Dean led him to a seat and took one of his hands in his own. Cas struggled for a moment, and he kept talking. “We had been on the list for a year. No one had picked us or even remotely considered us. But then this woman from Ohio finally did pick us.” Cas couldn’t look Dean in the eyes as he spoke, he looked at his lap. It had been awhile since he’d thought about all of this. 

“My boyfriend and I were picked to raise this baby. We lived with the idea for months, and then at the last minute, she chose to keep the baby.” Cas didn’t think it was the same thing as having your girlfriend have a miscarriage. So he’d never looked at it the same way as losing a baby. Even if he supposed maybe it was. “On the way home from the hospital…. we were in a car accident. I came through with just a few bumps and scrapes…. but my boyfriend, he died.” It had been a horrible experience, and Cas hadn’t thought about it in a long while. He had been so messed up after that, he’d done a lot of anonymous sex and had been on a self destructive bent for awhile. 

Dean’s green eyes widened as he listened to Cas talk. “Oh, baby.” He said, and lifted Cas’ chin with his finger. “You… that counts as losing a baby, okay? Maybe not in the same way, but you were going to be a dad and then you weren’t. I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt.” Dean might never have had to be on the adoption list. Because before Cas, Dean had been straight. He could have been with anyone and had a kid. Which clearly, he had, since Frankie existed. But Cas, he’d never had that option. He’d known he was gay for a long time. Dean looked into those blue eyes. He leaned out and kissed him softly, tasting Cas’ tears on his lips. “I know you think it’s not the same, but it kind of is. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wish that I could turn back time and fix it. Even if it meant losing you.” 

The look Cas gave him then was one of shock, and Cas started to protest. “No, I know that I wouldn’t lose you, Cas. You don’t have to tell me. You’re not gonna lose me either. But if I could take all of this pain away I would. You don’t have to handle that alone anymore. You can let me help you. I know how it feels, to lose something like that. So you don’t have to handle that pain alone anymore.” Dean tugged Cas closer, pulling his husband on his lap. Cas buried his head in Dean’s neck. “We don’t have to do any of this alone. We can all be there for each other, we’re all family now, Cas.” He knew how much that Cas needed family right now. He had lost all of his family in one fell swoop. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist, holding him as close as he could. 

They sat like that for awhile, and Cas fell asleep. Dean held him, wondering if Sam had done the same thing in Jo’s room. The hospital actually kept to visiting hours, but with them being Winchesters they could get around it. Dean didn’t want to wake Cas, he’d cried for awhile before he fell asleep. Just as Dean was thinking he might have to because his leg was falling asleep, Sam was walking up. Dean looked at him. “What’s… Sammy? Is everything okay?” He asked, lifting Cas, who miraculously stayed asleep, and laid him across a couple of chairs, letting out a gasp as his legs were able to stretch. “Is Jo awake yet?” Dean didn’t know what he would do if he was in Sam’s shoes. 

“She’s sleeping.” Sam said, she’d woken up for a bit after the C section, but she’d gone right back to sleep. Sam had been able to tell her that he loved her and that the baby was going to be okay after some time in the ICU and then she’d been out. “Dean… I saw the baby.” He said, his eyes brushing with happy tears. She was tiny, and pink, and was hooked up to machines, but she was alive. “Her name is Laura.” Sam said. They’d discussed baby names once they knew Jo wasn’t going to have a miscarriage. He met his brother’s eye. “She’s… she’s mine, and she’s here.” Sam could hardly believe it. “Would you… would you come with me to see her?” Sam asked, he knew that Dean would as soon as he asked. When his brother nodded, Sam led him to the NICU where Laura was in an incubator, machines helping her breathe. 

As soon as Dean laid his eyes on his niece, he felt a rush of love in his heart. She had Sam’s hazel eyes, and she was looking up at them both with them wide. Dean sat down next to the incubator, they’d had to put on scrubs when they entered the room. Dean reached in with his finger to stroke her tiny hand. She was tiny for a baby but not at the same time. Dean knew that she was big even for an early baby. That was at least a good sign. “Sammy, she’s beautiful. She’s definitely a Winchester, she’s strong and hanging in there.” He was so happy for Sam and Jo. Seeing her, Dean knew that she was going to make it. She just needed some help along the way. There was nothing wrong with that. She was hooked up to all of these wires, and she had to have something help her breathe, but she was alive. That was the important part in Dean’s book. 

“She’s gonna make it through this.” Dean told Sam, meeting his brother’s eyes. By some sort of miracle, Laura’s face spread into a smile, and they both looked down in time to see it. She was smiling at them. Dean had read somewhere that that was just gas, but he knew deep in his soul that his niece was smiling at him for the first time, and she would be there to smile at him for a very long time. 

_Oh no, here we go again_  
Fighting over what I said  
I’m sorry, yeah, I’m sorry  
Bad at love, no, I’m not good at this  
But I can’t say I’m innocent  
Not hardly, but I’m sorry 

_And all of my friends they know and it’s true_  
I don’t know who I am without you  
I got it bad, baby  
Got it bad 

_Oh, tell me you love me_  
I need someone, on days like this, I do  
On days like this  
Oh, tell me you love me  
I need someone   
On days like this I do  
On days like this  
Oh can you hear my heart say  
Oooohhh, oh  
No you ain’t nobody till you got somebody  
You ain’t nobody till you got somebody 

_Everything I need_  
Is standing right in front of me  
I know that we’ll be alright, alright, yeah  
Through the ups and downs  
Baby, I’ma stick around  
I promise, we’ll be alright, alright 

 

_**Author’s note: XD. Glad to have an update for ya’ll. I have lots of feels after 13x04. I couldn’t do things without a lot of angst, but the baby and Jo will be okay, I swear. I can be mean but I won’t be that mean. XD. I haven’t decided yet what exactly John has to tell Dean and Sam, that most likely won’t come out till I get to that part. It’s just how I work. I hope ya’ll are hanging in, and more ASAP.** _


	20. Tell Me You Love Me

Chapter Twenty: Tell Me You Love Me

Cas stared at his phone. Why did shit keep happening to him like this? Well, that sounded selfish, he supposed. This had happened to Michael. His brother and his boyfriend had just died in a car accident. He and Dean were at the hospital now, apparently Cas had been Michael’s emergency contact. Cas wasn’t sure why that was. He wasn’t exactly in Michael’s life. Why wouldn’t it have been Gabriel? Although knowing what he did now, he supposed that made sense. Cas was trying to text his daughter to tell her what happened, why they were at the hospital. She was home with Jamie and Frankie. They’d gone with Jamie as his nickname. Dean had insisted, he said no one was called ‘James’ all the time. Cas was someone to agree with that assessment.

Sighing, he met his husband’s eyes. “I know, Dean, I have to actually type something.” He said, anticipating what his husband, his old school barely know how to text husband, was going to say. Cas wasn’t one to assume to know what people were going to say, but this time he had a good idea. Cas brushed his free hand through his black hair, trying to think of how to tell this to Claire. He knew that he still hadn’t spoken to her about having a relationship with Michael that no one knew about. It had been two weeks since they’d gotten James, and he hadn’t been able to bring himself to bring it up to her. He didn’t know what to say. He was hurt, a lot hurt, that she’d been in contact with Michael since she was little and he hadn’t known anything about her but that she existed.

Dean sighed and put his arm around Cas’ waist, tugging him close. “Baby, you don’t have to know what to say. I know you’re upset that your brother was in her life and you weren’t. But you don’t know to what capacity it was. Maybe Gabriel didn’t know about it. Maybe it was a thing she was keeping secret. You don’t need to freak out about it yet. You don’t have any details. You need to sit Claire down and talk to her about all of it. She loves you, Cas. She’ll tell you what happened. I don’t know why she hasn’t before now, but maybe she was trying to spare your feelings.” It was a total and complete Claire thing to do, to save someone’s feelings from being hurt. Dean didn’t know where she got it from, with parents like she had to grow up with.

Stroking Cas’ arm, he said, “I know it’s one more thing on our already full plate. I know that. We can handle this, baby. I know you think we can’t. But we can. As tragic as it is, your brother wasn’t in your life anymore. He only was recently because he wanted to  _ give you his child _ . Why don’t you see that as the bad thing that it is? Now, granted, Jamie’s a baby and he never has to know that you’re not his dad biologically. Other than being his uncle. But who doesn’t want to raise their own baby? What kind of person does that? Cas, I would give literally  _ anything _ to have my baby alive. To have it have been alive this whole time.”

Tears brushed his eyes as he spoke.

Cas turned in his arms so he was looking at Dean. “Baby… I’m so sorry.” He said, forgetting everything that he was feeling about Claire and Michael. Cas reached up and brushed tears off his husband’s face. “I can understand that to a degree. I really can. I am so sorry that you lost a baby, Dean. I know that the pain of that is never going to go away.” Cas mostly tried not to think about him and his ex losing the baby they’d thought they were going to get to take home. Cas didn’t think it counted as much as going through a miscarriage like Dean had. Even if Dean insisted that it did. He didn’t know what he was going to say to make Dean feel better. He got why Michael giving them James was bringing up all the old feelings again. And he’d already been through that when Bobby had been murdered.

His husband started to really cry, and Cas immediately tugged him fully into his arms and stroked his back. He wondered if Dean had been holding this in since they were given Jamie. Cas knew that he would never know what it was like to have to go through a miscarriage. He’d never been with a woman and unless they got a surrogate it just wouldn’t happen. Cas knew suggesting Dean go and see someone wouldn’t be met well, but he could suggest that Dean take some of his medication. He still had refills on it. And it might help, as much as he knew that Dean wasn’t going to want to take it. He thought it mellowed him out too much.

“When we get home, you’re taking one of your pills. I know you don’t want to but you need to calm down, and there’s nothing wrong with taking medication.” Cas knew that Dean would object. “I don’t care what you have to say. You are going to take one. You don’t have to deal with this stuff alone. Your drugs can help you. That’s what you have them for. They will help you get through all of this baby pain. No one will think less of you for having to use it.” Cas knew that there wasn’t going to be anyone looking down on him for needing help. Dean was such a proud person. It was hard for him to accept help or look weak.

More tears brimmed in his eyes as he thought over what Cas had said. Dean didn’t want to have to use them, but he knew that Cas was right. “No, you’re right, baby. I should take some. I’ll take them if you get them.” He still didn’t want to know where they were. Less temptation that way. Dean brushed his hand across his face, wiping his tears off. He was wishing that he hadn’t gotten so sad. But this was just reminding him of all the pain he’d been through that had nearly broken him. Dean was just hoping that that kind of pain was over. Dean reached to kiss him. “I love you, Cas. I really do.” Dean looked into those blue eyes that were always seeing right into his soul. He loved those eyes. Dean took a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

It was something that he knew that Cas knew, but he also knew how grateful his husband would be glad that he said it. Dean looked at Cas. “You’d better call your great aunt too, and I’m going to call Sammy.” Dean moved to kiss him once more. “I’ll go on down the hall. I’ll be back when I’m done.” He said, and Cas nodded at him, blushing deeply. Dean stepped out into the hall and called up Sam’s number on his phone. He wanted to check on the baby as well. Uncle Dean was concerned. When Sam picked up, Dean had to stifle his tears. “Sam…… Michael and his brother died.”

When Sam heard Dean say that, he knew that his brother honestly was torn up about it. He was thinking in terms of Jamie, and the fact that he would never have a chance to know the dad that had given him up. “I’m sorry, Dean. I know how much that hurts.” Sam was with Laura in the NICU, Jo was at home being off her feet. Sam had insisted she get sleep, and she’d been released from the hospital a couple of days earlier. Not that it mattered, she’d spent every waking minute available at the hospital. Although Sam didn’t blame her. It had been hard for him to be away as well. Although they said Laura was doing well. Sam listened to his brother’s breath, and he knew that it was shaky because Dean was holding back tears.

Clearing his throat, Sam said, “Don’t hold back for me, Dean. You can cry. Your son’s father passed away. He’ll never have the chance to know him. Which, by the way, is something that is so selfless on your part, you’re being a great dad. Worried for how your son will be affected instead of how you are. You are an amazing person, Dean Winchester. Stop thinking you aren’t. It’s just something that you need to work on yourself.” Sam peered into the tiny incubator that Laura was in. She was already a bit bigger. Sam was glad that she was going to be okay. He was glad that Jo would be okay. He loved her so much. Sam knew she’d been worried about this baby.

Dean unfortunately had to let it out when Sam said what he did about Dean being a good father. Dean sniffled and tried to stop crying. “I’m…. thanks Sammy. For saying that I’m a good dad. It’s,,, I know I am but it’s still nice to hear from someone.” Dean didn’t know how he was going to stop worrying about whether he was a good person or not. Dean listened when they told him that he was, but he wasn’t sure that he actually retained any of it. Dean wasn’t one to have good self esteem. He sniffled more and wiped his eyes with some paper towels he found on a cart in the hall. He was glad that he’d been with Cas when he’d gotten the call. He wouldn’t have felt better knowing that Cas was here having to deal all by himself. Dean also knew that made him a good person. He saw a kid walking towards him, wondering what that was all about. The kid seemed to be waiting for him. Dean said, “Sammy, I gotta go, I gotta dea, with something.” The kid looked 12 or so. Dean heard Sammy say bye and then he turned to look at the kid.

Ben Winchester held out a picture of Dean. “You’re Dean Winchester, right?” He asked, and Dean nodded, seemingly in shock. “I’m Ben Winchester. I’m your son. I have a letter from Mom.” Ben had come to live with Dean, his mother was gone. Ben knew Dean was going to be surprised, he probably didn’t remember being with his mom, Lisa Braeden. Ben handed Dean the note, he wasn’t even sure that he knew what was in there.

_ Dear Dean, _

_ It’s Lisa. I’m…. I know we haven’t been together in a long time. And if you want to hate me from keeping Ben’s identity from you, go ahead. But if you’re reading this, it means I’m gone. I sent Ben to you, I was sick, stage four cancer. So I passed away, and before I did I made sure you would get Ben. It should have told you. I know that. Especially with you telling me what you did about the baby that you lost. I am cruel for not telling you in the first place that he was yours. But also enclosed is a DNA test, proving that he’s yours. I had it performed while I was pregnant. Just in case you ever needed to know. If you’re getting this letter, then you need to know. _

_ Please take in Ben. I really want you to get to know each other. I listed him as your son on his birth certificate, so no one will fight you. _

 

_ Love,  _

_ Lisa _

Dean finished reading the letter and then looked down at his son.  _ His son _ . He couldn’t believe it. Dean was mad as fuck at Lisa for keeping this, and he knew that he had to take the kid whether he wanted to or not. Which of course he wanted to. Dean would never turn down his own child. Dean knew that he had to tell Cas. This is when Cas came walking up to him. Dean’s green eyes were shining with tears. And he held out the note to Cas. “This is my son Ben.” Dean said, watching Cas’ eyebrows go up. Although Dean didn’t think he should be surprised. He’d gotten around in his twenties. Dean looked down at the kid, who he dd think resembled him.

He looked at Cas, who gave him a slight nod. “We have a place for you Ben, although we are actually house hunting. So you’ll have your own room soon. You gotta share with Claire the mo.” Dean cleared his throat and looked at the kid. “This is my husband, Cas, and he has a daughter, Claire, your sister.” He then explained about Frankie and Jamie, with a bit of a tear in his voice. This was happening way too fast. Dean was so angry that Lisa didn’t tell him that he’d had a son out there. And the most horrible part was that he didn’t feel bad she was dead. Dean knew that was horrible. He’d have to work on that. Dean brushed his hand across his eyes. “I’m sorry, kid, that all of this is happening at once.” Dean said, wishing that he could sound less upset. He was adding another child to his family. And even though he was pissed, he was glad that Ben had been sent to stay with him now that Lisa was gone.

Ben looked at Cas, who looked back at him curiously. Ben wasn’t sure what to think of Cas. Ben hadn’t expected that his dad would have a husband instead of a wife or a girlfriend. Ben had always heard what a player Dean was. Ben had tried not to hold that against him in his formative years. He knew that his mom hadn’t really been in love with Dean. Ben absorbed the info that he had siblings better than he did the husband thing. He didn’t care if he had siblings. And Frankie was four, so she was getting into some fun toys. Ben would have fun having an excuse to play with her. Ben was at an age when toys weren’t something he felt like he could still play with. He was 12 after all, and so toys weren’t an acceptable thing for him to play with anymore.

Finally, he spoke to Cas. “I’m Ben. It’s nice to meet you..” Ben wasn’t sure what else to say. He didn’t want to upset Cas. He wasn’t going to call him Dad or anything. He wasn’t ready to do that with Dean, let alone with Cas. Ben met those eyes and they were so blue. Ben’s were brown. He looked back to Dean then. “I’m sorry that she never told you about me. I knew that you existed.” He said, nodding. Ben knew that Dean was going to be even angrier about that. Ben knew it wasn’t really fair. It was keeping things from Dean and he knew that that wasn’t going to be something that flew with him.

Dean didn’t know how to deal with any of that. Dean looked at Ben, his eyes swimming with tears. “I know you’re surprised about Cas. I was straight up until I met him. But… he’s the love of my life. I wouldn’t be who I was without him. You don’t…. I don’t know how you’re going to feel about that, but you don’t have much choice so you’re going to have to try and accept it.” Dean didn’t know what he thought would happen with that. He knew what he wanted to happen. He wanted Ben to accept him and Cas as a couple. But he knew that it might take awhile for that to happen. He met Ben’s eyes. “I know that it’s a shock to you that I have a husband. You heard how much of a player I was with girls, right?” He asked, and his son nodded.

None of that surprised Dean. It was how he’d been when Lisa knew him. He was a completely different person now. “I was like that when your mom knew me. So that’s all she was able to tell you. You’ll get to know me as I am now, and actually, I’m kind of glad about that. You don’t know how much regret being that guy. I hated being that guy. I never committed to anything. Even if I had a good reason not to.” Dean couldn’t go into the reason that he regretted it right now. “I can’t.. I’ll tell you one day why I regret it but it can’t be today. My… Cas’ brother and his boyfriend just died.” Dean looked at Cas when he said that, and he knew that Cas was grateful for him being there for Cas.

This is when Cas spoke up. “Come on, Ben, there’s nothing more for me to do here tonight, and I’m not supposed to handle all of this. Gabriel is. So we can go home.” Cas have them both a half smile. He missed Michael. But he was still angry at him, and he was also thinking that this was going to be rough on Jamie one day. If they chose to tell him, that was. Cas watched as Ben shook his head at any type of hand holding, which he wasn’t surprised about, and he took one of the two suitcases that Ben had brought with him. “We can send for more of your stuff tomorrow. Although like Dean said, we’re house shopping.” Cas was glad about that. They needed a bigger place.

The next morning, it was a crowded kitchen. Dean came down to find all four (yes, count them FOUR) kids at the table. Cas was working on French toast. Dean wondered why it seemed so much of a happy family already with them. But he didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Dean moved to kiss his husband. “You didn’t wake me.” He admonished, but he made sure to make it sound as least harsh as he could. He didn’t want him to feel guilty. Dean reached in and got out the bottle of apple juice and poured himself a tall glass. He was very thirsty. He met Claire’s eye, who was kind of glaring at him. Dean looked back at her, wondering why she was looking at him like that. Maybe because she had to share her room.

“Claire, can I see you please?” Dean asked, ignoring the look Cas gave him of curiosity. Dean was sure that Claire wasn’t showing her contempt for Dean in front of Cas. When they got into the foyer, Dean looked down at her, folding his arms tightly. “I’m sorry that your room is being taken up by sharing it with your brother. And if you consider me your dad too, then yes, he is your brother, so you can’t say he’s not. I saw the DNA results. They’re real. He’s mine.” Dean wished that he’d be able to be more surprised that he had a kid out there that he hadn’t known about. He’d had  _ two  _ kids that he hadn’t known that he’d had.

Claire folded her arms tightly as she listened to what her dad had to say. She knew that he had a past. She knew that. She just wished that he didn’t. Claire didn’t want to share her bedroom with Ben, even if she knew it was the right thing to do. “I saw the DNA results too. I know he’s yours.” She finally spoke, her long blonde hair falling down her back in waves. Claire didn’t know why she was so mad about it. It’s not like it was a secret that Dean had been a whore. There might be more kids out there. Claire knew that’s not who he was anymore. He had changed. Claire hated how much of a baby she was being. “Look, I know I’m being a brat. I know that. I know we’re house hunting and sharing with Ben is just temporary. I know that.” It hurt to admit it, even if it was completely true.

“I just, Dad, really?”

Sighing, Dean wished he had a better explanation to give her. He’d been so torn up about losing the other baby that he had been commitment phobe until he met Cas. He was so grateful to Cas for changing his entire life like that. “Look. I wish I could take it back, believe me. I wish and wish that every day. I hated who I used to be. I just can’t tell you why right now.” Dean said, managing to keep the tears at bay. Dean didn’t want to go into it at the moment. He knew that he’d get too emotional and he was trying not to do that. “I can’t turn my back on him. I never got to be his dad till now. He’s 12, honey. I don’t… I need to know him.” Dean really did need to know Ben. He had to know what made the kid tick, how much he had of Dean in him. Clearing his throat, he said, “Claire, you don’t have to like it. The sharing your room thing. But really, it won’t be for long. We’ll have a place.”

It honestly wasn’t fair, and he knew that. He could see why Claire was upset. It wasn’t fair to any of them. But Dean knew that they’d have to make the best of it. “It’s a totally weird situation. I know that. I wish I could change it. But we just have to go with it. Make the most of it. We can’t let him go somewhere else. I need to get to know him. He’s my son. I know that you don’t understand that. And honestly, I don’t want you to be able to understand it. Because that would freak me the fuck out.” Dean was so glad that she was a lesbian and wasn’t going to shower them with early grandkids. She didn’t have random sex with guys. Dean was completely okay with her lesbianism just for that. He knew that Cas agreed with him, 

  
When he said that about Ben, that he had to get to know him, her anger started to dissipate. He knew that this was going to be hard for him to handle. She knew that it was going to be hard to justify this to himself. That his child was twelve and he barely knew him. Claire knew how angry he was about not getting to be in Ben’s life till now. It was awful of his mom, Claire was with him on that point. He also knew that it was taking pressure off the fact that they knew she’d had a relationship with Michael for years. She didn’t know why she had kept that from them. It had just seemed like a good idea when she made the decision. 

Eyeing her father, Claire wondered what to say. She sighed. She was going to let him off the hook a bit. Claire sighed and looked at Dean. “I know how hard this is for you. I know that. I know that me sharing my room is just temporary.” She said, and watched his shoulder sag a bit in relief. Claire was glad to ease his suffering a bit. Claire tucked some of her hair behind her ear. “Dad, look. I didn’t say that  I hated him. He’s just…. It’s a big surprise. I know that he’s struggling with the fact that you have a husband. If it makes you feel any better, he doesn’t seem to be grossed out. Just surprised.” Claire thought that was a good thing. A silver lining thing. Claire wasn’t sure that she could look at it that way, but she knew that her dad might have to look at it that way.

Tears gathered in his eyes despite him trying to hold them back. She was throwing him an olive branch. “I really appreciate that. That you’re acknowledging that this is hard for me.” Dean didn’t know how to do any of this. Yeah, he’d been able to take to Frankie right away, but she was younger. It was easier with younger kids. They didn’t have the same kind of views. Frankie had taken to them like a wish takes to water. Ben might not. He was twelve, his personality was already shaped into who he was going to be in the long run. Most likely. Dean brushed his hand across his stubbly chin. He had to shave. “Claire, all I ask is that you try and deal with this until we’re more settled into a new place.” Dean was so grateful for her right now. He really was. She was handling this just fine. Even with it being a complete and huge surprise that none of them had been expecting.

He watched her walk back to the kitchen, feeling all kinds of love for her as she walked.

 

_ Four months later _

They were set up in a huge place in the best neighborhood in Dallas. Dean was standing in the master bedroom, which was huge, and it had a huge bathroom and a sitting room. Cas was unpacking clothes in the closet. Dean was supposed to be putting bedding on the bed, which he had just finished assembling. The kids all had their own rooms, and there was a library, a bathroom for each of the kids, and a study. Dean had been glad to get it. They were all going to fit more comfortably. Dean reached into the box that said bedding and found the bed skirt. Dean sighed. He knew that Cas really needed the bed skirt. He didn’t. He was fine with there being no bed skirt. He called out to Cas. “Cas, do we really have to have this bed skirt thing?” He asked, and he was very disappointed sounding. “Please don't make me.” He called towards the closet, using as whiny tone as he could.

Cas poked his head out of the closet. It was a huge walkin deal, and he was so happy to have it. He was hanging some of his clothes. Dean’s were next. They didn’t nearly have enough to fill it up with clothes. Dean needed some new anyway. Cas was handing some pants on a pants hanger. “Please, Dean. Don’t fight me on this one. I want to keep old manuscripts underneath the bed. It’s the best place to put them. And easy to get to. So please, just do it for me.” He said, meeting those green eyes. Dean sighed but he moved to add the bed skirt. Cas smiled to himself, so glad that Dean was contributing. He moved back into the closet, but left the door open.

He hummed to himself as he put away boxes, and then he heard footsteps, and Frankie was standing there, calling out ‘Papa!’ Cas reached down to lift her and bounced her on his hip. “Hey, Frankie.” He said. He was glad that she seemed to be happy to be in the new house. Frankie had been through so much, and she was so resilient. Cas was very proud of her. He looked at her in the blue eyes of her mother. “What’s going on, Frankie? Did you get your stuff in your room unpacked?” It had been a couple of days. She’d of course been having help from whomever was available, but she’d been excited to put her own books on her shelf and her own toy box away. 

Frankie bounced on his hip and wrapped her arms around his neck. Frankie loved their new house. She looked at her daddy, and wondered how to say what she wanted to say. “Papa. I don’t like Ben.” She said softly, Frankie almost never had a bad word to say about anyone. Frankie heard her other daddy walking into the closet too, and then he was standing with them, it was just her and her daddies. Just like it should be.

Dean met Cas’ eye. And then he turned back to Frankie. “Kiddo, why don’t you like your brother?” He asked, wondering what she was going to say. She always told it like it was, one of the reasons she was like Dean. Dean thought that was a good skill to have though. It was nice when people had the courage to say what they were really thinking. He listened as Frankie told them it was because he was mean and didn't’ talk to her. Dean met Cas’ eyes again and then turned back to his daughter. “He likes you, Frankie. He does. I swear. He’s just getting used to having a new family.” He told her, reaching out and taking her from Cas. She easily wrapped her arms around his neck.

“It’s going to be fine, kiddo. You had to adjust to me and Papa. And then Claire when she came, right?” He asked, and his daughter nodded. Dean shrugged a shoulder as he bounced her on his hip. “He just has to get used to having us around, and know that we’ll still be there all the time.” Dean kissed her cheek and then handed her back to Cas. She liked to be held by both of them more than she liked to walk herself. Dean knew they had to break her of that eventually. Dean bounced her again, she was playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. It usually was a spot for him, he was glad that it wasn’t when it wasn’t Cas. Only Cas could do that for him. Dean looked into her eyes. “It’s gonna be fine, I swear. Just relax.”

There was a noise, and Ben had poked his head in his parents’ room. “Hey, are we ordering pizza or what?” He asked, brushing his hand across his hair. Which was getting longer and curly. Mostly to get on Dean’s nerves. He knew that Dean didn’t like long hair on guys.

Dean handed Frankie off to Cas, she was reaching for him. “Um, yeah, check on your…. I mean Claire. Make sure she’s down for pizza.” Dean said, meeting his son’s eyes. He was so glad that they were doing all of this together. He moved to grab his phone. “Let’s all gather in the kitchen. That’s the most put away anyway.” Dean moved with the two of them downstairs, and Claire was already in the kitchen, with Jo and the new baby. She’d just been released from the hospital. Dean grinned when he saw that she was there. “Is Sammy here too?” He asked eagerly, as he moved over to see the baby. She was smiling, and weighed 6 pounds, she was doing very well. Dean smiled at her, and she reached out her arms for him.

“Heck yeah, you remember your Uncle Dean.” Dean grinned, and took the baby from Jo. She looked up at him with her eyes wide. Dean tickled her belly, earning a soft giggle. Jo was fussing over Jamie, who was getting to be seven months old and he was grabbing hair. Dean leaned into Cas as he came up behind his husband. “Look, Cas.” Dean said, looking down at Laura. She was still looking at Dean with those green eyes wide in wonder. “She remembers me.” Dean said proudly, with only a slight catch in his voice.

Smiling, Cas kissed Dean’s neck. “Of course she does, no one could forget you, Dean Henry Winchester.” Cas said, his voice soft. Dean’s question about Sam was answered as he came inside from out in the driveway. Cas grinned. “Hey, Sammy.” He said, moving away from Dean so he could get his phone and order the pizza. Cas’ eyes briefly met Ben’s, and they shared an uneasy look. Cas wasn’t sure what Ben thought of him just yet. But he’d warmed up once he’d gotten over the shock of him being a man. Cas and Ben were slowly getting to know each other. Cas was using his tip toes, he already knew from raising Claire that teenagers and preteens were hard. Cas didn’t want to do anything that would make Ben’s life harder than it already was, since he too had lost his mother. Frankie never really asked about Charlie anymore, she seemed to believe that her mom was with Jesus and right now that was enough for her. Ben was old enough to know what happened and that his mother wasn’t coming back.

Cas picked up his phone and began the ordering, already well versed in what to get for all of them to eat. They could drop 50 bucks easily in Papa John’s. Cas’ nimble fingers moved over his phone, and then Sam was standing with him. “Oh, hi, Sam.” Cas said, wondering if he was just saying hello or if they were going to talk about John’s case. It hadn’t had any advancements, they were still waiting for trial. They were trying to prove that John didn’t kill Balthazar. In the meantime, John was off work. Without pay, so Cas was making sure to help out wherever he could. Even if John was stubborn and didn’t want the help.

Leaning against the counter, Sam looked at Cas. “I’m so glad that you guys were home. We just left Dad’s, so they could see the baby. We wanted ya’ll to be able to see her too before we got back home.” Sam said, wondering how to broach the subject of John’s lawyer. He needed to be paid, and Sam knew that Cas was the one in charge of it. Sam was trying to have John worry about beating the charges than the cost of things. He’d already been to the bank to set up the trust that Bobby had left for Laura. There wasn’t any kind of lien on it, so they could use it for her whole life, and Sam planned on doing just that. He looked at Cas, wondering if he could just broach it.

“Um, Cas? Can I talk to you about something?” Sam asked, and wasn’t surprised when Cas nodded his assent. “We need to pay Dad’s lawyer. He’s let us set up a payment plan, mostly because he’d worked with Dad before. He believes that Dad is innocent.” Sam knew Cas hadn’t actually met the other man yet, he’d just given Sam a few checks to pay on the stipend. Sam brushed his hand through his collar length brown hair. It was getting longer and longer. Laura loved to pull on it. Sam glanced over at Dean, who was still in seventh heaven, playing with Sam’s daughter. She was giggling away. Sam’s green eyes brushed with tears. “I love…. Laura has… she’s completely out of the woods.” Sam said. He met Cas’ eyes then, who was finished ordering the pizza.

Sam’s eyes were bright. “She’s going to be just fine.” There was also the news that she was the only child that he and Jo could have, the doctor had had to tie Jo’s tubes. They hadn’t told anyone yet. Sam decided to tell Cas, he would keep it secret if Sam asked him to. He wanted to tell Dean but he wasn’t ready yet. Sam cleared his throat again, and Cas looked at him. “Cas…. Jo and I can’t have any more kids. We haven’t… we haven’t told anyone yet.” Sam said, and he watched a crestfallen look take over Cas’ face. Sam brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. “I want… I need to tell Dean and Dad but I have to do it in my own time.” Cas nodded and Sam took a shaky breath. He didn’t know how to get through this. He hadn’t been ready for Laura but it was a whole nother issue when it was she was the only one they could ever have.

There was so much that Cas wished he could change. Jo not being able to have any more children was one of them. Cas reached out and touched Sam’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of Dad’s lawyer.” He said, as he wondered about what to say when it came to what Sam had just said. “I won’t tell anyone, you know I can keep a secret. I’m so sorry, Sam.” After all the trouble that Jo had had with having children, he wasn’t surprised that this was the result. Cas felt so bad for her. Especially when he and Dean just kept getting handed children. Cas wished there was something he could do that would make her feel better. He knew how badly Jo wanted kids. “You aren’t completely out of options. There are still other ways to have more children. But I know how devastated Jo must be.” Cas hadn’t ever stopped feeling for her after she’d told him what she had about her trouble with babies.

Dean passed in front of them, juggling Jamie and Laura, and Cas waited until he’d moved on to Jo before he spoke again. “No one is going to be angry that you didn’t tell anyone right away. It’s… it’s a huge thing to have to deal with. You know that Dad and Dean will support you no matter what.” Cas knew that he didn’t have to say that out loud, but he was still glad that he had. Cas raised his voice above the din. “Pizza’s ordered!” He called out. There were general cheers and then things went back to the noisy level that was normal for this family. Cas moved closer a bit to Sam so he could speak quieter and Sam could hear him. “I know what it’s like to lose a baby.” Cas said, and told him the story of he and his previous partner. Tears brushed his eyes.

“But Sam… I feel like everything I had to go through was leading me to Dean. Dean and I are supposed to be together. You have to look at it this way. You and Jo were meant to have Laura. And maybe you’ll be meant to save a baby from someone who doesn’t or can’t care for a child.”

That was a good way to look at it. Sam looked at Cas, and his eyes brushed with tears. “Thanks, Cas. Really. I mean that.” Sam said, and wiped his eyes. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad in the long run. His gaze fell on Dean then, who was handing the baby off to Claire, their daughter wanted to give the baby her bottle. Sam was glad that the kids were seeming to get along. Ben was still being kind of quiet, but Sam expected that. He was getting used to being in a big family. Sam was amazed at how much the Winchester family had grown in the last year and a half. Sam was so glad that they were having so many good things happen amongst the bad things that happened. That was the silver lining of it all, he supposed.

Dean moved over to Cas, and put his arms around his husband. They snaked around his husband’s waist. Sam walked over to Jo then, to give them a moment alone. Dean wondered what Cas and Sam had been talking about, but he also wasn’t going to ask. He knew that it was something that Sam wasn’t ready to talk about, since he’d chosen Cas to talk to. Dean leaned his head in Cas’ neck, to smell. Dean took a deep sniff of Cas’ neck. “I love you, Castiel Winchester.” Dean said, his voice wobbling just a bit. He didn’t know what he’d do without Cas, and lately with everything happening it was on his mind.

“I love you, too, Dean Winchester.” Came the reply. Neither of them knew what was going to happen in the next few months, and they weren’t sure if they could handle it. Little did they know how much bigger their lives were going to become.

 

_ I’m getting kind of over this _ __   
_ I need a metamorphosis _ __   
_ Are you awake as me? _ _   
_ __ If not, do you wanna be?

 

_ Oooh I need some temporary saving _ _   
_ _ Oooh I need some, some uncomplicating _

 

_ Help me out _ __   
_ ‘Cause I don’t wanna do this on my own _ __   
_ Help me out, out _ __   
_ Help me out _ __   
_ ‘Cause I need something up to calm me down _ _   
_ __ Help me out, out

 

_ I don’t mean to bother you _ __   
_ But there’s something that I want from you _ __   
_ Distract me from thinking too much _ _   
_ __ Loose ends all tied up with a touch

 

_ Help me out _ __   
_ ‘Cause I don’t want to do this on my own _ __   
_ Help me out, out _ __   
_ Help me out _ __   
_ ‘Cause I need something up to calm me down _ _   
_ __ Help me out, out

  
  
**_Author’s note: So, I don’t know where the last burst of inspiration came for this, but I am so glad to have this up for ya’ll on Christmas. Lots and lots of Destiel feels lately. Among my Blam feels of_ ** _ glee _ **_. XD. Anyway, I’m going to try and update Is This How Love Works? Next, I’m not sure if that will happen because I’ve also got a start going on a Blam update. But I still have the Destiel feels so something Destiel is going to possibly come out within the next few days as well. Hope this satisfies, and I hope ya’ll are having a good Christmas._ **


	21. Help Me Out

Chapter Twenty-One: Help Me Out

The sirens all came to a stop. The lawn was full of other cops. John stood in the front lawn, trying not to disturb the crime scene. He had come home to find his fiancée dead. Thank God he’d been out with Jodie Mills, discussing his case, or they’d try and pin this on him. Tears pulled in his eyes. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do without Ellen. Jodie was calling the boys, John was standing all alone as he watched cops going in and out of his place. He didn’t know what to think and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what the boys were going to say. He was finally… he had finally been ready to move on and marry Ellen. She loved the boys like they were her own. The tiny silver lining was they were tying this to Balthazar’s guys, so he was off the hook for the man’s murder. John was glad about that. He could go back to work if he so chose. Right now he wasn’t sure that was something that he wanted.

A few feet away, Jodie was dialing Dean first. She knew that he was going to take the news so much harder than Sam was going to, although why exactly she knew that she wasn’t sure. She waited for Dean to pick up, and when she heard the kid’s voice in her ear she almost faltered. She didn’t know how to say the words she needed to say. “Um, Dean, it’s Jodie.” She said, and once he’d started to greet her, she stopped him. “No, hon, I have news.” It all came out, that she and John had been out to lunch to talk about the case, and that someone had broken in from Balthazar’s gang and killed Ellen. She didn’t know what he was going to do and that kind of scared her. Jodie waited on tenterhooks for what he had to say.

The words sounded foreign to Dean. What the hell? Dean’s throat filled with a lump, and he wondered how he was going to tell this to Cas. How was Jo going to take this?! And the kids? Dean was trying not to have a panic attack. Cas was upstairs with Jamie, getting him down for a nap. Dean had to keep his emotions as in check as he could. He finally spoke. “So… is Dad off the hook then? Or are they blaming him for this too?” He asked, his tone a bit cold as he spoke.

Jodie was a little relieved there wasn’t any yelling. And she could handle the question that he posed to her. She didn’t know what he was going to do when she told him but she could handle it. “Your dad’s in the clear. They’ve decided that this has to do with Balthazar trying to get to your dad, even if he’s not alive, which means they figure John didn’t do anything to Balthazar. Who cares what logic they’ve come to, your dad is off the hook.” She said. “The body’s already been… well they know it was Ellen, and so the only thing to do is just grieve. Try and relax as best you can. I know it’s going to be next to impossible, Dean Winchester, but I need you to try. For your Dad and Jo, okay?” She said, her tone a bit motherly.

When Jodie got that tone with him, Dean’s eyes brushed with fresh tears. This was a nightmare. He managed to say that he would, and that he had to go. She said she understood and they hung up. Dean curled into a ball on the floor. Ellen was… she had become family. First Bobby and now Ellen? How far was this guy’s cronies going to go in his honor? Dean tried to keep calm. He didn’t want to have a panic attack. He finally had a good heart and he wanted to keep it that way. Dean cried though, big sobs that shook his entire body. How were they going to do this? Ellen hadn’t been involved in anything, other than with John. Dean tried to sit up, but he fell right back to the floor, sobbing.

This is when Ben and Claire got home. They were sort of getting along. Claire saw their father in a ball on the floor, crying, and she dropped her bag and knelt next to him on the floor. Ben seemed unaware of what to do, he’d never seen Dean like this. Claire put her hand on Dean’s back. “Dad?” She asked, trying to get a reaction out of him other than crying. “Dad…. I’m… I need to know what’s wrong.” Claire said. She felt a bit like the parent, but as a conversation about her being in contact with Michael was still coming, she didn’t think that feeling would last. “Dad… seriously. What’s wrong?” She asked. Then her eyes caught Ben’s. He was looking at her with a sort of disgust look on his face.

“What, Ben?” Claire asked, her tone a bit firm and a lot angry.

“You… you call him Dad.” Ben said, and he meant it. He didn’t know why that bothered him so much. Or why he had to take it out on Claire. It wasn’t her fault that he hadn’t been in Dean’s life until now. That was his mother’s fault. And as much as he missed her, he was pissed at her as well. That she’d kept him from getting to know his dad. Ben met his older sister’s (if that’s what he had to think of her as) eyes and defiantly said, “Even I don’t call him Dad. He’s my dad for real, Claire.” Ben knew there was going to be a row, as his new “dad” Castiel would say. He hadn’t taken to calling him Cas, and he certainly wasn’t calling him dad. He just wasn’t ready to do that. It was still hard to imagine Dean Winchester with a man.

Claire’s head snapped up, Dean forgotten for a moment. She stood, folding her arms. “Look, Ben, you’re a Winchester by birth. Okay? I got it. But I’m a Winchester just as much as you are. My dad is married to Dean, and I accept them as a couple. You don’t. You’re going to have to get over that good and fast. Because they’re together whether you like it or not. And whether you like it or not, Dean’s my dad. Frankie’s my sister and Jamie’s my baby brother. I’m a part of this family whether you like it or not.” Claire told him, her tone cold. “Now, I don’t have time for this childishness. Something has happened and my dad is upset, so if you aren’t going to help me then get the fuck out!” This last part was yelled. Claire was getting tired of her little brother’s attitude. She got that he’d lost his mom, but he wasn’t even trying to consider himself a part of this family.

And it finally was a family, Lucy had come to her senses and dropped the lawsuit. Claire thought it had to do with the fact that she was seeing Charlie. She knelt by Dean again, wanting to find out what had happened to make him act like this way. “Dad?” Claire asked, his tears seemed to be drying up a bit. Then he was telling her that Ellen had been shot while she’d been home alone. Claire sat down against the wall in shock. “Grandma Ellen?” She asked, her voice shaking with fear. She didn’t know what to say or do, and it was hurting her quite a bit. She reached out and took her dad’s hand, and held on tightly. 

When his daughter’s fingers closed around his, it seemed to center him. Dean moved to sit up next to her on the floor, leaning onto the wall. They looked at each other for a moment. “She’s… she’s family.” Dean managed to say. He was so upset that this had happened. Dean closed his wet eyes. “I know that we still have a talk coming. But I can’t do it right now. And let me tell you this part. Grandpa is let off the hook for killing Balthazar. He’s been cleared of all charges.” He knew that  this would make her feel better, and he was glad. It made him feel better too, a bit. At least John wasn’t going to go down for a crime he hadn’t committed.

Before either of them could say anything, Cas came down. He had successfully gotten Jamie down for his nap. He saw his family on the floor with tear stained faces, and he froze where he stood. “What… what happened?” He asked, fearing the answer. When Dean told him it was Ellen, Cas almost fainted. “Okay… I can’t talk about that right now. Let’s talk about the fact that your son stormed upstairs and slammed his door shut, Dean Winchester.” Cas said, he had to focus on something that wasn’t Ellen or he was going to break down and then he wasn’t going to be of any use to anyone.

Dean sighed. “He got into a fight with Claire, baby. It’s okay.” He didn’t want to talk about what Claire had said to Ben. All of it was valid. Ben wasn’t really trying to be in this family. Dean got why he would be pushing Claire and Jamie away, but Frankie was his blood relation. Dean didn’t know why the boy refused to accept that he was in a family with two dads. Dean was trying to get to know him. He really was. He didn’t know how he was going to manage that with Ben pushing everyone away. Dean met Cas’ eyes. “Please, baby, just drop it for now, okay?”

When his husband met his eyes, Cas knew that he had to drop it. He sighed. “Okay. Fine. I was going to start putting together lunch. Is that… is there something that we need to be doing?” He asked, and was glad when he got a no. Cas leaned down to kiss Dean. As he did he whispered, “Get up off the floor. At least go and wallow on the couch.” Cas’ blue eyes met those green ones, and Dean was having a hard time keeping it all in, Cas could tell. “Claire, will you give us a minute?” He asked, and she nodded, heading into the kitchen.

Once they were alone, Cas helped his husband up off the floor. “Hey. You don’t have to hold it all in for me. You can be upset. You can be as upset as you want to be.” Cas told him, brushing his thumb across Dean’s cheeks, wiping away the tears. He didn’t know how they were going to make it through this, and he knew that’s what Dean was worried about. Cas kissed him. “I swear, we will make it through this. We have to be there for Dad. You know that he’s going to take this so much harder than the rest of us. He’s lost a second person that he was going to spend the rest of his life with. Believe me, it takes its toll. I know from having one experience, I can’t even imagine how John must feel.”

“You think that hasn’t occurred to me?!” Dean asked, his voice rising a little. He felt so guilty though because it wasn’t Cas’ fault. He closed his eyes as Cas bristled. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I know that you aren’t trying to be a jerk. I’m being a total asshat all on my own.” Dean said. He didn’t know how John was going to make it through this. Mary had almost killed him. It had taken him so long to be open to a serious relationship. Not that Dean blamed him for that. It was hard after what he’d been through. This wasn’t going to be easy on any of them. He didn’t even know how he was going to help Jo through this. Although he did know how it was to lose a parent. Dean knew that it was going to be hard for Jo. Not that he blamed her.

Dean brushed his hand across his cheeks, trying to keep the tears off his cheeks. He was trying to keep it all in, he knew that he didn’t have to be holding it in for Cas, but he had to. Or it was just going to upset everyone, including the kids. Dean sighed and looked at Cas, who seemed to be still a little upset Dean had snapped at him. “I’m…. go on and make lunch, baby. I’m sorry that I snapped at you. I didn’t mean to be an ass, I really didn’t.”

Cas didn’t know what he was going to say to Dean, but what he’d said had hurt him. Cas looked at him. “Dean, I know you’re upset. Anyone would be. Ellen is your family. But I’m not going to pretend that you snapping at me like that is okay.” Cas told him. His anger was surprising him. He hadn’t expected to still be angry after Dean apologized. He could tell that Dean really was sorry. “I know that you’re sorry. But I need a minute.” Cas looked at him a moment longer and saw the anguish in those eyes. But he was still upset and he went into the kitchen. He was going to make mac and cheese and hot dogs for lunch. It was one of Frankie’s favorites. Cas was still reeling from what Dean had said. He wasn’t used to Dean snapping at him like that. They’d never really had an argument before. Cas moved to get out a pan of water for the mac and cheese. It was just… how was this something that they were dealing with? Ellen being gone. It wasn’t fair.

He was surprised when Ben came into the kitchen. Cas looked at him as he came in. “What’s wrong, Ben?” Cas asked. Cas hadn’t felt like Ben was actually trying to be a part of this family. It was as if he was here because he had to be. Cas knew that Dean was trying to be his dad. He wasn’t upset that Dean had a child with someone else. He knew it was pointless to be upset about things like that. Cas hadn’t exactly been the virgin Mary before he met Dean. And he was the first man that Dean had ever been with. So Cas wasn’t going to be upset if there were kids that Dean had. Just because you were safe wasn’t a 100% guarantee. Cas moved to get out hot dogs while he waited for Ben to tell him what he was feeling.

It was hard for Ben to adjust to being in this family. Ben moved to get a soda out of the fridge and cracked it open. He moved to sit at the kitchen table. Ben had been thinking about what Claire had said to him. Ben knew that he wasn’t really having an easy time adjusting to Dean being with a man. Ben wanted to try and talk to Cas, try and get him to see how it was hard for him. From everything that he’d heard about him it was hard. Ben took a long sip of his soda and looked at Cas. “Castiel. I want to talk to you.” He didn’t want to tell him what Claire had said. Ben wasn’t wanting to confirm that she was right about what she’d said. Because as much as he didn’t want to admit it, she was. Ben waited till Cas had turned to face him before he kept talking.

“I know that I’m not really trying to meld myself into this family. I want… I do want to get to know Dean. I do. He’s my dad. I don’t really know how to accept that my dad is married to you. From everything that my mom told me, that wasn’t ever going to be possible.” Ben said. He shrugged one of his shoulders. “I know I need to try harder. Because even though it’s hard for me, I know that you guys aren’t going to break up.” Ben had found himself wishing that the entire time he’d been in this family. Ben knew that was selfish. He also knew that he wasn’t being fair to Frankie. She was his blood relation. Ben knew that she loved Cas just as much as she did Dean. Ben just wasn’t ready to be that way just yet. He was trying to be nice to her, but he knew that she didn’t like him. And he knew why.

His stepfather just looked at him and waited for him to continue. Ben didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know how Cas was going to react to anything that he said. “I want to be able to call Dean dad one day. I just can’t right now. It’s not his fault that he was never in my life before now. It’s not. I know that. I’m not blaming him for not being there. That’s really not an issue. It was my mom’s fault. As much as I miss her, I’m pissed as hell that she didn’t tell Dean that I was his son. It’s going to bother me possibly for the rest of my life that I don’t get to yell at her about that.”

It was something that Cas didn’t know about from experience. His parents had always been married and in love. He knew that he was going to have to try and help Ben though. “I understand that it’s hard to adjust to Dean being married to me. It was a very quick thing for us. We didn’t expect it. Now granted, at first we wondered if it was because Dean was dying, and needed a new heart.” This is when Cas had to pause, that was still hard for him to think about. “We’re not going to break up.” Cas agreed. It really wasn’t something that was going to happen. Cas moved to check the water to see if it was boiling yet. “I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time adjusting. But you know that you can talk to us about anything. Even if you feel that it’s hard to adjust to Dean being with me. I know that it’s hard, believe me, I get it. I had some trouble with my own family. They didn’t want to accept me as what I am. So I get your reticence.”

It was hard for Cas to imagine that Ben might not ever be okay with Dean as he was. With a husband. Cas wanted that to not be the case. Dean really wanted to get to know Ben. He really did. Cas knew that Dean was having a hard time as well with Ben being so stubborn and having a hard time adjusting. Cas really felt that was the case, that Ben was being stubborn. Everyone had been welcoming to him. Cas didn’t know what Claire had said to him during the fight that Dean had told him about, but he had a feeling that it had led to this conversation. Cas wasn’t sure what it was going to take for Ben to be okay with having two dads. “I know that you’re having a hard time adjusting. No one is going to expect you to adjust immediately. But you have to try and be okay with your dad being married to me. Because that’s not going to change.”

It was hard to hear, even if he already knew that. Ben took a deep breath before he spoke. “I want to be okay. Claire might not think that I want to be okay, but I do. I want Dean in my life. And that includes you. I just need some time to adjust.” Ben was going to say more when there was noise from the front door, and Jo and Sam had arrived with Laura. Ben knew what it was like to lose your mom. Ben moved to go over to Jo, who seemed very upset. Ben waited until she’d handed the baby to Cas before he moved to hug her. “I’m sorry about your mom, Aunt Jo.”

Jo was very surprised that Ben came forward to hug her like that. She hugged him back. They hadn’t had a lot of interaction, but she knew that Ben liked Sam. Jo was doing her best to keep the tears at bay. It was hard, dealing with this. Jo hadn’t expected this to happen to her mother. And she felt like it was all her fault. She was the one who had turned Balthazar down in the first place. Jo didn’t know that it was really healthy to blame herself for this. But she did anyway. Jo brushed some of her blonde hair out of her eyes. This was all so hard to handle. She was already dealing with the fact that she would never carry another child. She was so heartbroken about that. She wasn’t necessarily surprised, after what she’d already been through with babies, but it still hurt. She realized she had to say something back to Ben about what he’d said. Feeling like she was underwater, she said, “I appreciate that, Ben.”

Her mom wasn’t going to get to be there when she married Sam. Jo was working to keep the tears from falling. Jo watched as Ben left the room with Sam and Laura, to go and talk to Dean in the living room. She turned to Cas. Cas was probably her best friend. She wiped tears that had escaped off her cheeks. Jo stepped closer to Cas, and he put his arms around her. Jo let him hug her, trying to see if she could calm down. She was definitely letting herself feel things. Jo sobbed on his chest. She was too short to be able to reach his shoulders. She tried to keep herself from having a panic attack. Jo managed to speak through her sobs. “Cas, she’s not going to be.. She’s not going to be in Laura’s life. She’s not going to get to see me finally marry Sam.” Jo was hurt. She was so angry at who had done this to her mother. “I feel like this is all my fault.”

When she said that she felt like it was all her fault, Cas felt bad for her. “Jo, no. This isn’t your fault. You can’t look at it that way. I know why you think that. Because this is because of Balthazar. But this isn’t your fault. You were harassed by him. What he did was wrong. You turning him down was the right thing to do. You had no idea that this was going to happen.” Cas hated that Jo was blaming herself. Cas knew that he couldn’t stop that, but he could try and help her. She stepped back then, seeming to stop crying. Cas knew that it was going to come and go, the tears. He also knew that she hated to have people see her upset like that. Cas didn’t blame her, it was really hard to let someone see you so vulnerable. Cas wasn’t sure that he liked it himself. It was dependent on who was seeing him that way.

He moved to add the noodles to the water. They needed to eat. Cas was the one who in a crisis made sure that people still took care of themselves. He wasn’t sure why that was. It was just another good reason why he and Dean were together, because Dean had a tendency to let things get to him, at least, since Cas had known him. Cas didn’t think that was a bad thing. You couldn’t keep things bottled up inside. Cas stirred the noodles with a fork. “You guys need to eat, I’m cooking a huge amount of mac and cheese and some hot dogs. I know that you might not feel like eating, but we all need to eat. We’re going to need strength to get through this.” Cas didn’t know how any of them were going to do this, since they were still reeling from Bobby, but they had to try.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Dean was talking to Sam. Ben was there, but he was just listening. He was holding Laura on the couch. Dean brushed his hand through his hair. Sam seemed kind of in shock. Dean was more worried about their father than he was the rest of them. John had honestly barely made it through losing Mary. Dean brushed his hand through his scruffy chin then, he was really having a hard time not being fidgety. He finally spoke. “Sammy… I’m sad about Ellen. She’s family. I hate that this happened to her. But… I’m more worried about Dad than I am us. He barely made it through Mom. I know you don’t remember, but I kind of do.” It had been a long time, but Dean had vague memories of how John had been after they’d lost Mary. It had been extremely hard for them all, but Dean remembered being really worried about his dad.

That was how Dean was though, he worried more about others than he did himself. He’d never complained about the life he’d been handed, and he knew that that made him a better person than he thought he was. Dean met Sam’s eyes, he’d been crying. Sam wasn’t one to do a lot of that. Dean wasn’t either, but it’s not because they felt like it wasn’t manly or something. It was just something that they didn’t really do when they were dealing. Dean brushed his hand across his eyes. “Sam, this might be when we lose Dad. I don’t… I don’t like thinking it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Dad tried….” He couldn’t say it out loud, but he knew that Sam got what he meant. “It’s taken him a long time to be okay with committing to someone else. He finally agreed to get married to Ellen. And now, she’s gone.”

Sam wasn’t sure what to say. He knew that Dean was worried about their dad. He was too, but not like Dean was. Sam didn’t think that suicide was something that John would ever consider. Sam brushed hair out of his eyes. Dean was always on him about getting a haircut. “I don’t think Dad’s going to try that, Dean, I don’t. You had four years with him that I didn’t have, this is true. But I still don’t think that he’s going to try and take his life over this. There’s so many of us that he is here for. He’s a grandfather now. So many times over. You have four kids, Dean. Four. I have one myself.” This is where his voice faltered, because he knew that he was never going to have another biological child, and it really did hurt. Even if he hadn’t been exactly ready for Laura to come into the world. Sam waited until his voice was sure before he spoke again. “Dean, I really don’t think he’s going to be that selfish, and take himself away from the kids.”

He saw that his brother was struggling, and that he had tears dripping off his cheeks. Sam reached out and took Dean’s hand. They’d never done that kind of thing before Cas. Sam wasn’t really sure why, but he didn’t mind that it was something that they did now. They’d always done the hugging thing. That had never been an issue. He held Dean’s hand tightly, and met his brother’s eye. “Dean, you don’t have to hold anything in. You know you can tell me anything. I know how worried about Dad you are. But we’re not going to lose him, okay? He’s not going anywhere. You know that he loves all of us. He’s not going to take his own life. I know that you are having a hard time believing that he won’t.” Sam’s own eyes were getting a bit misty as he spoke, but he knew that what he was saying was the truth. “If he was really going to do that ever, wouldn’t you think he’d have tried when Mom was gone?”

That was the question. Dean met his brother’s eye. He wasn’t sure Ben should be hearing this, but he also didn’t think that he could ask him to leave right now. Dean took a deep breath before he spoke again. “Sam… he didn’t formally try… but he did put himself into situations where he might die.” Dean had never brought this up with anyone. No one knew that he knew. “He… I heard Bobby talking with Dad once. He told Bobby that he’d put himself in a lot of situations that were dangerous needlessly. Crime scenes without backup, driving on the wrong side of the road, into traffic, sitting on the train tracks and barely getting out of the way before the train came…” Dean’s eyes met Sam’s, and Sam was looking shocked. I hate to be the one to have to tell you. I know how hard it is to hear. Think about being sixteen and hearing that.” It felt really good to get that off his chest. He’d been carrying that around for twenty years. “He’s not… he hasn’t done that in a long time. But the potential for him to do that again is there. Because he’s done it before.” Dean didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost John too. Dean had idolized his father for a very long time. John was an amazing person. People outside of their family might not think so, but Dean did, and he always had.

Tears had filled his eyes, and Dean wasn’t sure that he could speak without his voice shaking. Dean was aware of Ben, who scooted carefully over closer to him on the couch, being careful not to jostle Laura, who was sleeping. Dean didn’t let go of Sam’s hand, he held tighter even. Dean was drawing strength from Sam. He needed to feel that, needed it to feel grounded. “I just don’t want him to do that kind of thing again. He… he has family, like you said, grandchildren.” Dean didn’t want his kids to grow up without their grandfather. He knew what that was like, since Mary’s and John’s parents hadn’t been around. Dean wasn’t even sure if they were alive or dead. No one knew. Dean had never tried to look into it mostly because he didn’t want to upset John. Henry Winchester, John’s father, had disappeared when John was six, and they’d never heard if he was alive or not. He had just been gone. No one knew if he had left under his own volition or not.

That was something that Sam was surprised to hear. His own voice was shaking as he spoke. “I don’t…. I can’t believe that you never told me that. I’m not… I’m not mad, don’t think that.” He said, and his eyes met Ben’s, who wasn’t crying but he did look upset. “Ben, you can leave the room if you want to. No one’s going to make you hear this conversation.” Sam knew that Ben was having issues, and he didn’t blame him. However, Ben had really opened up to Sam, more than he had Dean or Cas, and Sam felt like Ben really did like him. Sam was hoping that Ben would tell him how he felt about Dean and Cas, and he could help them get close to Ben. Sam wasn’t sure if Ben was going to leave or not. But he was okay if he did. There was a playpen in the corner of the room for Jamie, and he could put Laura there if he wanted to leave. Sam and Dean were both surprised when Ben told them he was going to stay. He wanted to be there for Dean.

Honestly, that was a surprise. But as Sam met Dean’s eye, and Dean actually looked surprised as well. Sam wasn’t sure where Ben’s insistence to be there for Dean was coming from, but he was glad. Sam knew that Dean needed Ben to get close to him. Sam knew that Dean needed to get to know him because he’d been absent for twelve years of Ben’s life, even if it hadn’t been his own fault, he felt guilty. Sam knew that Dean didn’t want to feel guilty and getting closer to Ben would help that. Sam said, “Okay. If you want to stay we’re not going to stop you. I know how it feels to be a kid and being left out of the loop. I don’t want you to have to feel like that.” Sam turned his gaze back to Dean. “I’m… I don’t know what to do, Dean. Should we tell Dad that we know that he did that?” It was hard to think of his larger than life father being suicidal in a way.

“I just, I don’t want Dad to do that again either.”

Dean was surprised that Ben wanted to stay in the room and be there for him. He turned to look at his son, who was sitting there calmly holding Laura, who was asleep. Dean knew how good of a baby she really was. It was nice after the tumultuous way she’d come into the world. Dean looked into those green eyes that were so much like his. He hadn’t had a hard time at all believing that Ben was his son. Dean wasn’t sure what it was going to take to bridge the gap between them, but this was a good sign. “Ben, I understand why you feel the way you do about this family. I know you don’t think so, but I do. You’re going through a horrible time right now, so we’re going to let you get away with things a bit. Now, don’t think you can run your mouth and disrespect anyone, especially your older sister. Because Ben, she  _ is _ your older sister. Whether you’re ready to admit that or not.”

It was hard for Ben to admit, Dean knew. But he also knew that his son needed to know that this was a family, and it wasn’t going to break up. This was a serious family. It wasn’t going to just dissolve. “Ben, you need to adjust to my sexuality. I know that. I know it’s something that you’re struggling with. Before I met Cas, I wasn’t even remotely into guys. So I know that your mom wouldn’t have ever thought that and prepared you for it. But I need you to understand. If you need to go to some kind of therapist, we can do that. I myself have never wanted to, but I won’t stop you if you want to go. Cas and I are forever. We’re not going to break up. He’s… he’s my life. He’s been there for me through all of this. I know we haven’t really talked about it. But he was there for me when I was dying. I don’t want to scare you, but I did die. Cas was there, and we had barely been together. I know that we’re forever. No one would go through all of that with someone if they weren’t in love forever.”

That was something that Ben hadn’t known. He’d never heard of anyone actually being in love that quickly before. He knew some of the details, they’d told him. But he hadn’t known that. Ben looked at him, surprised. “Um, Dean, I had… wow.” He really did believe that Cas and Dean were forever now. Ben looked at him, his green eyes wide with surprise. “I… I didn’t know that. I’m sorry that I’ve been so much of a dick.” Normally he knew that Dean would stop him for using that language, but he  _ was _ Dean Winchester’s son. It stood to reason that he would have a bit of a potty mouth on occasion. Ben didn’t know that he could be against Dean and Cas now. “Hold on. I need to go and talk to Castiel.” He said, and slowly moved over to the playpen and put Laura inside.

When he got into the kitchen, Cas was with Jo and they were talking. Ben moved to hug Cas, and tightly. He knew that his stepfather was surprised. Ben said, “Thanks, so much, for what you did for Dad.” It was the first time he’d called Dean ‘Dad’. And he knew that Cas would notice. “I didn’t.. I didn’t know how serious you guys were from the get go. Dad just told me.” He stepped back, and he knew that Cas was going to be touched, and he wasn’t wrong. Cas was misty in the eyes. Ben didn’t know what he was going to do to make up for how much of a brat he’d been. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been. I’m going to do my best to make up for how much of a brat I’ve been.” Then he moved to go back to the living room. It was something that he really meant that he was going to do.

Later that evening, Dean and Cas were in the living room after they’d gotten Frankie and Jamie down for the night. They were looking for something to watch on tv. Dean was so touched that Ben was on board now. He wondered if that really was because of what he’d told him that afternoon. Dean was glad that he seemed to have a turnaround. Dean was leaning against Cas. They had huge pieces of cheesecake sitting in front of them on the coffee table. Dean took a bite, it was raspberry. It was his favorite. Dean would eat just about any kind of sweet that you put in front of him. Dean loved all kind of sweets. He looked up at Cas, who had settled on  _ Last Man Standing _ , which was kind of hilarious because Cas hated most Republicans he ran into or had the mischance to speak to. Dean wasn’t sure that he blamed him for that, it  _ was _ Texas. Those kinds of Republicans were harder to deal with than some maybe in another state. Although Dean loved Texas. It was just his kind of place. He looked at Cas with tears in his eyes. “I don’t…. I can’t believe that Ben came around like that.”

Cas looked at him and stroked Dean’s arm. “I know. But I think it’s a good thing. We are lucky that he chose to be okay with us. You said the right words.” Cas said, and he took a bite of his own cheesecake. “We have to accept that it was whatever it was. He’s come around and it doesn’t matter what it was that got him to do so.” He wanted to change the subject. They had to talk about what they were going to say to Claire about hiding her relationship with Michael. She’d wanted to go to the funeral and he hadn’t let her go. He felt guilty about that, but he also had been so angry that she’d never spoken up about it. “We need to talk about what we’re going to say to Claire about Michael.” It was something that he knew Dean had been dreading talking about. But they had to decide. They’d been putting it off enough. “I know that it’s hard for us to talk about it right now, but we need to do something.”

Sighing, Dean knew that Cas was right. “I know. I know we have to talk to her.” He didn’t know what they were going to say and it had actually been on his mind a lot. “I know that we have to say something.” He repeated, as if he was still having trouble with the idea. Dean sighed again. “I don’t know what to say. I’m not as mad as you are about it. I mean, yeah, it was messed up that he was in her life and wasn’t in yours. But I don’t know what to say to her. She was hiding it and I know how angry you are about that.” Dean didn’t know how Cas was even able to keep it at bay, he was so angry. Cas was holding that all in and Dean was surprised that he was even able to keep it at bay a little. Dean wasn’t so good at holding in his emotions when it came to anger.

“You have to tell her how you feel, Cas.”

He knew that his husband was right. He did have to tell her how he felt. He just didn’t want to explode all over her with his anger at his entire family. This was just as much Michael’s fault. Cas sighed himself. “I know I need to speak up.” He said, a bit grudgingly. “I just… I don’t want to take my anger on Michael out on her. It’s not her fault that he ignored me for most of my life when he was no different than I was.” Cas was still nursing a lot of anger at Michael. He didn’t really know how to deal with all of it. Cas didn’t know what to do about that. He didn’t want to go and talk to a therapist. He’d already been through that in his life. He didn’t want to do it again. It was too much. He brushed his hand through his hair and took another bite of cheesecake.

“I don’t know what to say to her about it. She knows that Michael upset me, but I don’t know if she knows all of why.” Cas didn’t know what he was going to do to impress upon her how much it hurt him, what Michael had done. “From what I understand, he was never not in her life. So I have all this anger. He wasn’t in my life for a very long time. He only contacted me again because he had a baby that he wanted me to raise. How can I be expected to not be angry about that? I mean… who does that? And he was biseuxal and knew the entire time! It’s… it makes me so angry. I just, I don’t want to take that anger out on her.” Cas didn’t know how Michael had been able to sleep at night. Before he passed away that is. Jamie was never going to know how horrible his father had been, because Cas was never going to tell him. He was never going to have to know that he had a father that didn’t want him. Cas only planned to tell him if something medical came up that wasn’t something that was in their side of the family. Cas also knew that he didn’t know who the mother was anyway and couldn’t tell Jamie even if he wanted to.

It was something that Dean knew Cas struggled with. Not that he blamed him. Dean was angry too. It was incredibly messed up. He didn’t know how Cas had managed to escape his family as the type of person that he was. It was amazing the type of person that he was as it was with all of the stuff that had happened to him. Dean leaned out to kiss him deeply. He kissed him until they both couldn’t breathe. “I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else in my entire life. You are an amazing person. You are an amazing dad. The best husband a guy could ask for. I don’t know what I would do without you. I really don’t. You are my whole world, Castiel Winchester.” Dean wanted him to know just how amazing that he was. They made love then, the cheesecake forgotten, the talk to Claire forgotten. It didn’t matter what they were feeling, as long as they were together.

_ You keep me connected to you _

_ Like I was your shadow _ __   
_ You’re giving me answers to all of my  _ __   
_ Questions here on my pillow, oh _ __   
_ Can’t nothing get between us, baby _ __   
_ We’ve been waiting on this moment for so long _ _   
_ __ You wanna be reckless, restless, right until tomorrow

_ When I put my lips on you _

_ You feel shivers go up and down your spine for me _ __   
_ Make you cry for me _ __   
_ When I put my lips on you _ __   
_ I hear your voice echoing all through the night for me _ __   
_ Baby cry for me _ __   
_ When I put my lips on you (when I, when I when I) _ _   
_ __ When I put my lips on you (when I, when I, when I)

_ Just turn off the lights and you can be my private dancer _

_ When we close the curtains _ __   
_ You and me forget all our manners, oh _ __   
_ The neighbors must think we’re crazy baby _ __   
_ ‘Cause look how easily we keep coming undone _ _   
_ __ You wanna be reckless, restless, right until tomorrow

_ When I put my lips on  _

_ You feel shivers go up and down your spine for me _ __   
_ Make you cry for me _ __   
_ When I put my lips on you _ __   
_ I hear your voice echoing all through the night for me _ __   
_ Baby cry for me _ __   
_ When I put my lips on you (when I, when I when I) _ _   
_ __ When I put my lips on you (when I, when I, when I)

  
  
**_Author’s note: So, I still haves all these Destiel feels that needs to go somewhere. So, here we are. I’m sorry for Ellen, I wasn’t planning that, honestly. It just sort of happened. And what’s going on with Jo is going on with me, so I think I’m trying to work through some of those demons and feelings. Difference is I didn’t get to have a kid first. But that’s too real for this early in the morning. I just hope that ya’ll are hanging in, and I hope to have another update soon. That song is_ ** _ Lips On You _ **_, and it’s on Maroon 5’s new album, it’s so worth the three years it took to come out. So check it out. The song used in the chapter before this is also on that album. Almost all the songs I hear remind me of Destiel, though, I can’t believe that there are people that don’t ship it. Sigh._ **


	22. Lips On You

Chapter Twenty-Two: Lips On You

The funeral had passed by in a blur for Jo. It was three months later, and it still felt like it was yesterday. Jo was at Dean and Cas’, they were setting up for Ben’s 13th birthday. Jo was mostly calm at the moment, but she also knew that there was going to be a moment where she wasn’t. It was the first big family gathering since Ellen’s death. They’d caught the killers, and the trial wasn’t for months. Jo had been spending time lately talking to Charlie, Lucy had decided to leave town, she’d moved to Georgia. So they had broken up. Jo knew it was because Charlie didn’t want to leave Dallas. Charlie had also been very angry that Lucy had left like that. Jo felt bad for her friend, but she hadn’t liked Lucy. It was probably mostly to do with the fact that she had tried to take Dean and Cas’ child away from them. 

At the moment, she was throwing together the coolers, which were going to be full of soda and other beverages. Ben had wanted pizza, so that was what Dean had ordered. It was coming in a couple of hours. There were already a lot of people here, Jo could hear Jodie in the living room with John and Jamie and Laura. Both babies were laying in the playpen, staring up at the people around them. Jo hadn’t told anyone yet that Laura was going to be her only biological child. Jo wanted more kids. And she knew that Sam did too. He hadn’t said much about having more, but Jo knew him. She knew that he was still wanting to have kids. Even if they hadn’t planned for this one, here she was. But Jo knew that Sam wanted at least one more. 

She was broken from her thoughts when Dean came in the kitchen, carrying Frankie, whose arms were wrapped around his neck tightly. “Hey, Dean.”

Dean looked at his almost sister in law. She was being awfully quiet. Dean knew that most of it had to do with this was the first family gathering that Ellen would not be at. And John had shown up with Jodie. None of them thought something was really going on, but it had seemed strange. Dean just thought it was because Jodie was the one who had been there when they’d found Ellen. He set Frankie down, who immediately ran for Dianna, who was getting huge. Frankie could pretty much ride her. Which she promptly did, and since Cas wasn’t in the room, Dean let her. Dianna took off with Frankie on her back, his daughter giggling all the way. “Don’t you go where Papa can see you!” He said, he knew that Cas would kill him. Then his attention turned to Jo. “Hey, so, I know why you’re quiet. I’m sad too. We were going to be a real family. I know how much Dad misses Ellen. We all do. You don’t have to keep those feelings inside, Jo.” 

He knew that she wasn’t going to open up about it most likely. He didn’t know that he blamed her though. “But…. Jo, there’s this club. And it’s the Dead Moms club. And you can’t be in it till you’re in it.” Dean watched as her eyes brushed with tears but she refused to look at him, busily filling one of the coolers with some ice. Dean leaned down to her level, she had crouched. “Look. I know how shitty life has been for awhile. I can’t even remember when it wasn’t. I know that. But we’ve still got to hang in there. Ellen would want us to keep going. I know how sad it is. Laura is never going to know her. But you can’t dwell on that. Because there’s nothing that you can do to change it.” 

When he spoke, Jo knew that he was actually trying to be nice. “You don’t have to try and cheer me up, Dean.” Jo said, making sure she didn’t look at him as she stood. The last of the baby weight had fallen off. Jo knew it was because she’d been dealing with grief and the knowledge that she wasn’t ever going to have another child the natural way. Something in her told her to tell Dean. “Dean…. There’s something that I want… that I need to get off my chest. It’s not good news…. It’s not. But since we’re already down the rabbit hole we’ll keep going.” Dean raised an eyebrow but he waited for her to speak. Jo finally lifted her head to face him, ringing her hands before she made herself stop. “Dean… I’m…. Laura is the only baby that I was able to have. I’m… I can’t have any more children.” 

This was not the news he was expecting, she could tell. He started towards her, but she held up a hand. “No… please don’t try and comfort me, I’ll start crying and this is Ben’s day.” There were loud noises in the living room, it sounded like the Halo tournament was going just fine. Ben had actually made some friends in his new school and had invited them over. Jo tucked curly waves behind her ear. “I just… I can’t keep it inside anymore. It’s… talking about it makes it more real but I can’t… I keep agonizing over it and I need to say it out loud. I need to have it drilled into my head because I know that I’m going to be hopeful and think that some way somehow it will happen, and I know that it won’t.”

It was impossible. This wasn’t fair. Dean and Cas kept getting kids thrown at them, and all Jo and Sam were going to be able to have was Laura. “I’m sorry, Jobelle.” He said, using Cas’ nickname for her. He didn’t often use it, because it was Cas’ thing, but he had to admit it was the right thing to say in this moment. “I know it must especially hurt because Cas and I have four kids. But to be fair, I wasn’t exactly a commitment person in my youth. And condoms are only so effective.” Dean didn’t even bring up the Gwen using Cas’ juice to have a baby that resulted in Claire. He still couldn’t believe that they hadn’t had the talk about Michael with her yet. He supposed that the upset of Ellen’s death had something to do with it. But Dean didn’t want to put it off any longer if they didn’t have to. 

Speaking of the girl in question, here she came. Dean looked at Jo. They had a silent conversation, and Jo nodded, and went out to join the others in the living room. Dean told Claire to hold on a minute, and then he poked his head in the living room to call for his husband. Cas seemed puzzled but he came willingly enough. As soon as they were all in the room, Dean gestured towards the kitchen table, and they all took seats. To Claire’s credit, she looked worried. Dean was sure that she could guess what they were going to talk about. It had been coming for awhile now. “Okay, Claire, we are finally going to have this talk about you and Michael keeping in contact.” 

There was a sharp intake of breath from Cas, and Dean knew that meant that Cas wasn’t prepared for this conversation. Dean took a deep breath and reached for Cas’ hand, holding it tightly under the table. Like they were teenagers or something. Dean didn’t know how to start, and he wasn’t expecting Cas to chime in and help, either. “Look, I know that he was your uncle. I know that.” Dean said, starting slowly. He hadn’t really planned anything out to say, as long as this had been on his mind. “But… you know the way that he treated your dad. You know it. Because you know that Cas was never allowed to come to family functions and he only went to your great aunt’s when he was sure that his brothers weren’t going to be in attendance.” 

Claire brushed some hair behind her ear. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say. She didn’t. She knew that it was wrong. She knew that. “I’m not.. I don’t know what to say, okay? I… I always sort of loved him, even if he was the one who was being rude to Daddy like that.” She really hated herself. “No one is more mad at me than I am. To be fair, I didn’t know that he was bisexual until very recently.” Claire knew that was no excuse. “I know, that’s no excuse. I’m just saying, that I had no prior knowledge of that. But Dads…. Please, we don’t need to rehash this. I am sorry that I was in his life. I really really am. If I could take it all back I would.”

This is when Cas spoke. “Claire Novak-Winchester….. You have no idea how angry I am at Michael. And I am. I’m…. he knew what he was. He knew that. Some people aren’t aware for awhile who they are. That’s understandable. But Michael knew who he was and he was still excluding me. I don’t…. I hope that you never have to know how that feels. How it feels to be excluded by someone who is supposed to be your family. He was supposed to be loving me no matter what. And he didn’t.” Cas didn’t know how Michael had been able to live with himself. “And Claire, he gave us your baby brother to raise because his boyfriend didn’t want kids!” 

That last part was yelled. Claire knew why Cas was upset. “Daddy…. Please. Don’t be upset. I know how mad you are. And you have every right to be. It’s… I know that you can never fix it. And how frustrating that must feel.” Claire was doing her best to avoid Dean’s eyes. She knew that he was going to chime in eventually. She knew that nothing she said was going to mean anything. “What do you want me to say, Daddy? I know that he was awful to you. I know that. I know why we have Jamie. I’m sorry. I don’t…. I know how mad you are. And I totally get that. But.. I don’t…. Can you understand that he was my uncle, and I was in the closet for a long time? I wasn’t… I wasn’t allowed to speak out about how wrong I thought his behavior to you was.”

This had honestly not occurred to Cas, but he knew that it should have. “Oh my God…. Claire, I never… I never thought of it that way.” He could believe it as well, he knew how Gabriel was. Cas didn’t want to make her talk about Gabriel if he didn’t have to. “I can’t… I’m sorry that Gabriel put you through what he did. But… you don’t have to worry about him anymore, Claire. You don’t. You are mine and he gave up his parental rights. You know that we don’t care who you are. Who you sleep with. I just…. I had to know why you were still in Michael’s life, knowing what he was.” 

He reached out to take her hand. She looked at him, and Cas wondered what it must have been like to have Gabriel as a parent. Cas looked into her blue eyes, that were so much like his. “You… I’m sorry, that I didn’t think that maybe Gabriel had something to do with you not being able to speak your mind about Michael.” 

This is when there was a yell from the living room. Cas and Dean shared a look. Dean knew, that was Jodie. He got up and ran into the living room. John was on the floor, clutching his chest. Dean’s ears were ringing, and he knew that this was insane. John took care of himself, Dean thought he was too skinny as it was. They were all talking a mile a minute, and Dean leaned down and grabbed John’s hand. Cas was busy calling an ambulance. Dean met those green eyes that were so much like his, and he wondered what was going to happen if he was losing his dad. John was trying to speak, and Dean knew that this couldn’t happen on Ben’s birthday. Dean didn’t want that to be something that Ben had to deal with, losing his grandfather on his first birthday as a teenager. 

John wasn’t sure how much time he had, and he didn’t know why this was happening. But he knew that he needed to say this, if this was his time. “Dean, I want… I want you to know. You… you have never disappointed me in a major way. Sam either. You both are amazing men. And I know that I only have so much to do with that. If this… if this is my time, I need you boys to know that…” John took a deep breath, he didn’t know why he was having these chest pains, but John knew that there was heart trouble in their family. Dean’s eyes were brushing with tears, and Sam had come over as well, both of them were listening. 

“You… you have a sister.” John managed to say, and both of their mouths dropped open in shock. Although he knew that they shouldn’t be surprised, it’s not as if he had been a monk after Mary had died. “You… her name is Callie. She’s 21, and she lives near here.” John was running out of breath, and he thought maybe this was it. “You… you should call her.” 

This is when his eyes closed, and Dean’s eyes were brushing with tears, and they were falling down his cheeks. Dean didn’t know what he was supposed to do if he was losing John. “Dad, please. I need you to hang on. I need you. These kids need a granddad.” Dean could barely speak anymore as they got the stretcher to them, that hadn’t taken as long as Dean had thought that it would. Dean had to let go of his hand, and he was wiping his eyes so he could try and figure out what was going on. If this was really it. 

About an hour later, they were all gathered in the waiting room. Except the little kids, they’d gotten a neighbor to look after them so Ben and Claire could join them too. Sam looked over at his niece and nephew, they were being quiet, and playing a game that he and Dean had played when they were kids, MASH. Sam couldn’t believe that that was still a game that people played. He knew why they were playing, they were trying to keep their minds off the Grey’s Anatomy surgery going on with John. Cas was being very quiet and leaning on Dean, who was being almost catatonic. Sam wished that he could do something more than just sit here. He had thought that they were done with the heart trouble thing. Sam was rubbing his scruffy chin. Jo sat beside him, quiet. 

“Dad… he could…” Sam started, and they all looked at him. Sam could feel the lump in his throat forming. “I know none of us want to say it out loud. I know that. But we have to say it He might… be leaving us. That’s why he told us about Callie.” Sam was still having a hard time wrapping his mind around that. “And I’m… I’m not sure. Do we call her? Tell her that Dad’s… that he’s in the hospital? If it was me, I would want to know. But he didn’t tell us if he was close to her….”

“SAM. SHUT UP.” This was the first words that Dean had spoken in the last hour, and they all looked at him in surprise when he did speak. Dean wasn’t sure if they were going to like what he had to say. “We don’t know anything about this girl! She…. she hasn’t been in our lives for a reason. Yeah, Dad has some basic information on her, but that doesn’t mean that she was in his life, you know that, right?” Dean asked, brushing his hand through his hair, messing up the hair that Cas had spent 23 minutes before the party fixing. 

It was all way too unfair. Dean ignored Cas, who was trying to get his attention, because Dean knew that Cas was only doing that to get him to stop talking. Dean’s hands were shaking, hitting his legs. He didn’t want to get this coming out wrong, he assumed it would, he wasn’t the best with words. “We are… we are… we might be…” His tone was shaking and his breath caught, tears were starting to fall. Dean was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “I don’t…… Sammy, you don’t remember Mom, because you were too young. I was four years old. I know her. I know what she was like. We could be losing the one who put me back into pieces when she was gone.” Dean’s voice wobbled. “Dad.. he’s always been there for me, when I fell apart. I didn’t.. I wouldn’t be here for sure without him. Dad… he’s my….. Cas is my husband, and I… he’s my everything.” 

“But Dad…. he’s my rock, he’s my… he’s my Superman.” 

With all of this said, everyone kind of looked at him. No one really knew what to say. Ben finally moved over to him and put his arm around Dean, who was full on crying. Dean wiped his eyes, and Cas reached in his pocket and pulled out some tissues and handed them to him. Dean took them but wiped his eyes with his sleeves. 

Sam was the one to speak. “Dean, look at me.” Dean did, his green eyes watery, and pouring tears. Sam kept his tone serious and calm. “What if you were in Callie’s shoes? What if you had a dad out there that you maybe hadn’t gotten to see that much, if at all, and so you might want to know when he’s dying. Dean, we have to call her. We have to let her come down here, so she maybe doesn’t hate us because we didn’t let her come and say goodbye.”

This was not what Dean had wanted to hear, and he was doing his best to keep back his anger. He was mostly angry that Sam was right. “Okay, fine, we’ll call her.” Dean said, and Sam handed him his cell phone, it was already ringing to Callie. Dean cursed at him, but he took the phone. He also knew why he was elected to be the one to speak to her, because he was the oldest. He listened to it ring, and then there was a melodious voice in his ear, saying that she was Callie Winchester. So she had known the whole time that she was a Winchester. Everyone in Dallas knew who John was. He was a highly decorated cop, she would have been able to come to him any time that she wanted. 

“This is Dean Winchester.” Dean said, and he heard the gasp on the other end of the phone. “You…. you knew who you were and who we were the whole time. I was calling… I was calling to tell you that Dad’s….. That he’s DYING. We… we thought you just didn’t know who you were, that you were his. You are just… you’re avoiding us. We…. we’re all about family. Why wouldn’t you want to know us? Just…” He couldn’t stop the anger. 

Callie Winchester was frozen for a moment. Because she didn’t know what to say. “I wasn’t…. I wasn’t around because he asked me to let him be the one to tell ya’ll, and I was just waiting for him to do that. He only just now found out about me, recently. I contacted him because my mom passed on and she told me who my dad was. So… no one was trying to not be in anyone else’s life. So calm down on that front. But I... “ Her voice faltered and shook, and Callie wasn’t sure why she hadn’t forced John into telling the boys that he’d found her right away. They’d been wasting precious time. 

Dean fell silent as he saw a doctor coming forward. “Oh shit. Callie…. It might be too late.” He said, and hung up the phone. He knew she’d just text back or something. He absentmindedly handed the phone back to Sam. They told them that Jon was in a coma, but it was a medically induced one. They were leaving him under until they found out whether or not his new heart was going to take in his body. Dean could barely hear, this wasn’t something that he’d thought that he would have to hear. The doctor was still speaking, Sam must have asked him some questions. Dean was kind of freaking out. He didn’t want John to have to deal with what he had had to deal with. He barely felt Cas gripping his hand, and he was gripping it tightly. 

This couldn’t be happening. Not again. They had to keep John. Dean looked up at the sky, at the god that he didn’t believe in and he took a deep breath. “Don’t let him die.” Dean knew that there was a way that that was going to be the thing that happened, and Dean would never be the same if his dad was going. 

**To Be Continued**

 

_**Author’s note: So… yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on most of this last chapter. I had it started for awhile, but then shit happened and so I was without a laptop for awhile. So…. this is kind of hilarious that this ended up being my longest fic ever when it was a fic I had started for this friend. I suppose that we’re still friends, even though I am sure that she never read this. But I promise, there is going to be another fic for this. I’m so excited, it’s been awhile since I had a possible series. I hope that ya’ll liked and I hope you will like the new when I get it up.** _


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